I don't know if it's depression but my girlfriends made me very angry. At least this time I finally got to the end of why it makes me angry. Once again, it's one of those things I think I should have figured out years ago.
We get along pretty good as a couple despite the problems she has and our other differences. We decided to move in together last Sept for money saving reasons. We'd know and liked each other since March 2007. Two of her grandchildren live with us so it was kind of a shock to my system as I much prefer to be alone.
Gradually we fell in love and most of the time I know she loves me. There are a few things that will turn that knowing off almost instantly. She takes good care of me, cooks for me, washes clothes for me and keeps the house looking nice. Lol, she even irons my pants and my pullover knit shits.
When we first met she was a yeller. She yelled at everyone about everything they did wrong. She yelled at me once and we had a three day fight during which I left and wouldn't answer my phone. I won't tolerate being yelled at as it reminds me of my mother and I also think it's very childish and out of control.
I don't like noise and her grandchildren were quite loud and so was she. Banging cupboard doors, slamming doors, dishes and anything else that can make loud noise. We talked that one out and she stopped it.
The other day she called me at 12:50 PM and said she was at her brothers after work and that she had called for her ride and would be home in 30-40 minutes. When 1:30 PM came and she wasn't home I decided to take a nap. At 3:40 the phone rang and woke me up but they hung up before I answered. Didn't recognize the number.
Now I'm really pissed because she isn't home and hasn't called. IMO she should have called at 1:30 when she KNEW she wasn't going to be home when she said. However when her granddaughter got home from school she called. Then she wanted to know if I wanted anything from Subway. My reply. NO!
I felt she was trying to buy me off because she knew she messed up and I was pissed. I was right too. She admitted it. You can't buy me. My mother used to do that and to this day it pisses me off when people try. You can't repair emotional pain by bringing me food or gifts. MOF I'm as likely to throw it in the garbage right in front of you as anything else.
Anyway, she tells me she loves me but her friends and her beer were more important to her than calling me to let me know she wasn't going to be home on time. To me that's not love, that means, to me that when I'm not around you forget about me and don't care what I feel or how worried I might be.
If you don't care about me enough to call me and let me know you are going to be late then it makes me feel like I'm being played and used rather than loved. If you don't call it makes me feel as if everything else you did was just so you could get something from me. It invalidates everything you have ever told me or shown me about loving me and makes it all a lie just to get what you want.
When she or anyone else hurts me I withdraw from them totally. I become very cold and hard hearted and do things to hurt them back. After all, if you don't care enough to call me you must not love me so I'm not going to show you I love you either. You hurt me so I'm going to hurt you back.
Leftovers from the way my mother used to treat me and the things she did. I believe in what peoples actions show and not what their words say. I learned that before I was 5.
I never followed that line of reasoning to the end before. I always told the other chicks it was just total disrespect and I wouldn't put up with it. It is and I feel you don't do that to someone you love. No more than you would cheat on someone you say you love.
Of course when you've never let your feelings exist it's hard to explain why you feel the way you do and what reasonable or unreasonable thing caused it. When everything in a relationship is invalidated it hurts to think you've been played.
Problem is now I don't know how to react to something like that. It makes me feel hurt and angry and I want to hurt back. If she doesn't love me then why shouldn't I hurt back. Actions speak louder than words. At least now I understand why it makes me so angry. I don;t know how to stop it tho.
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Friday, April 25, 2008
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Sex, my Cherie Amor. Stressed but definitely not depressed.
Sex and how to deal with it on this blog is going to be something else. Like the beatings and the molestation I'm not going to tell you everytime it happened because it just happened to often with to many different females.
Lol, it's hard for me to write this because of the wording of it and trying to keep it appropriate for anyone to read. In case you hadn't noticed I tend to be a little blunt and tactless at the best of times. The proper wording doesn't elude me, it just sound so cold and sterile.
None of it was cold and sterile. It was mostly always wet, wild and one hell of a lot of fun. There are girls who don't like me anymore nor I them, now, but the sex we had was so good that now and then we could sleep together again. We just can't live together or be a couple.
That's not unusual for me. I had good teachers and I find that getting turned on is a big circle if done correctly. Lol, unlike most men I happen to like a lot of foreplay. I like to tease and contrary to what you might think I'm very soft, sensual and gentle in bed.
I was driving with a couple of guys today, from India, and they wanted to know how many women I'd been with. I didn't tell them but they stopped guessing after they hit 200. They weren't even in the ball park as you'll see later on.
Heh, I probably should have seen a shrink about that too but it was never something that bothered me. Still doesn't bother me but I realized that I was looking for love from any woman that would give it to me. Yeah, yeah, I know, to replace or make up for the love I never got from my mother.
Unfortunately for the ladies I wasn't capable of loving back. Just of breaking up and moving on when I met the next one who excited me. With one exception from the time I was 13 to 36 long term relationships just never worked. Yeah, I know, that was my fault too. WTH you expect with the way I was raised?
The way I was I probably cheated at least twice in even a two week relationship. Sex just seemed to fall into my lap. Pun intended. Still does. I seldom pursue any woman and if I do it's not for long. Mostly they chase me. Probably because I just don't pay much attention to any of them.
I was also a bad boy, the kind your mother didn't want you to meet. Naturally, rebellious girls wanted to be with me. It was just to easy most of the time.
So, anyway, I met Cherie that night. She asked where we could go and I said the only place I knew was my stepfathers car. So that's where we went. It was dark out and no one was likely to pay any attention to us parked in back of the bar.
She took the lead in everything because I flat out didn't know what to do and watching Beaver Cleaver certainly didn't each me anything. Cherie did tho.
She taught me some of the finer points of kissing and we kissed and touched for a long time. Almost to long. At least she was wearing a pair of short shorts and the usual tight sweater. Damn, she had really nice boobs. Oh hell, everything Cherie had was nice.
She gave me my first fellatio in the back of that car. Lol, not that it lasted long. Anyway, eventually we both ended up naked and she was breathing as hard as I was. We touched each other until I just couldn't stand it and begged her to let me have sex with her.
I do distinguish between having sex, making love and plain out hard core screwing. I seldom make love. I doubt I've told 10 women in my ife that I loved them. Maybe half of those I meant it really, the other half I just thought I did. Altho I did really rerealy like some of them.
Back to Cherie and I in the car. I had no clue what to do next so she showed me that too. She got underneath me and I stabbed ineffectively until she finally grabbed it and put it in for me. Then she started moving and it lasted about two whole minutes.
I loved it, it made me feel so close to her and I wanted to do it again and again and again. Lol, here comes the kicker, Cherie told me after we got dressed that we could do it together anytime I wanted. However it was going to cost me a quarter every time.
I could afford it so we spent pretty much every night that we could, together having sex. I couldn't get enough of the feelings or the closeness. It was great. The greatest thing ever. I know now that there are more important things but there weren't back then.
Sure, I still prefer hot, skinny, small breasted chicks in their 20's. Always have and always will but now at my age and health I find her mind to be more intriguing than I do the sex. There's another reason I still get different women without trying to hard at all.
I dated the oldest woman, last month that I'd dated since I was 17. She was all of 40. As silly and confused as most otf the 20 somethings tho. Now I've been semi dating a woman who is 53. We have a lot in common and I like that. She's not as young as I'd like but she understand me with out explanations. She thinks like I do and she's pretty enough for me
I feel like a stupid teenager with her. Don't act like I normally do. She makes me nervous because she's not near as forward as the rest of the girls I know. I actually have to pursue her and I don't really know how anymore. Rejections scares the hell out of me sometimes and this is one of those times.
Cherie and I had a lot of sex together before I moved. She taught me to kiss and I never had a complaint from anyone. Heh, even tho she was charging me a quarter she always made sure she came too. However she was not my girlfriend. Never was. We just had an arrangement we both really enjoyed.
Don't know what happened to her after I left but I hope she turned out okay. Somehow I suspect she turned out about like I did. To bad for her. I hope, for her sake, that she's happier than I am.
Akk the times we were doing it I didn't care about anything else. Heh, I could think of what Cherie and I did the night before, during a beating, and smile while getting beaten. Used to really piss my mother off.
I've never forgotten Cherie getting naked for us and for having sex with me and teaching me some things. The times I spent with her were some of the happiest I'd ever had.
Lol, it's hard for me to write this because of the wording of it and trying to keep it appropriate for anyone to read. In case you hadn't noticed I tend to be a little blunt and tactless at the best of times. The proper wording doesn't elude me, it just sound so cold and sterile.
None of it was cold and sterile. It was mostly always wet, wild and one hell of a lot of fun. There are girls who don't like me anymore nor I them, now, but the sex we had was so good that now and then we could sleep together again. We just can't live together or be a couple.
That's not unusual for me. I had good teachers and I find that getting turned on is a big circle if done correctly. Lol, unlike most men I happen to like a lot of foreplay. I like to tease and contrary to what you might think I'm very soft, sensual and gentle in bed.
I was driving with a couple of guys today, from India, and they wanted to know how many women I'd been with. I didn't tell them but they stopped guessing after they hit 200. They weren't even in the ball park as you'll see later on.
Heh, I probably should have seen a shrink about that too but it was never something that bothered me. Still doesn't bother me but I realized that I was looking for love from any woman that would give it to me. Yeah, yeah, I know, to replace or make up for the love I never got from my mother.
Unfortunately for the ladies I wasn't capable of loving back. Just of breaking up and moving on when I met the next one who excited me. With one exception from the time I was 13 to 36 long term relationships just never worked. Yeah, I know, that was my fault too. WTH you expect with the way I was raised?
The way I was I probably cheated at least twice in even a two week relationship. Sex just seemed to fall into my lap. Pun intended. Still does. I seldom pursue any woman and if I do it's not for long. Mostly they chase me. Probably because I just don't pay much attention to any of them.
I was also a bad boy, the kind your mother didn't want you to meet. Naturally, rebellious girls wanted to be with me. It was just to easy most of the time.
So, anyway, I met Cherie that night. She asked where we could go and I said the only place I knew was my stepfathers car. So that's where we went. It was dark out and no one was likely to pay any attention to us parked in back of the bar.
She took the lead in everything because I flat out didn't know what to do and watching Beaver Cleaver certainly didn't each me anything. Cherie did tho.
She taught me some of the finer points of kissing and we kissed and touched for a long time. Almost to long. At least she was wearing a pair of short shorts and the usual tight sweater. Damn, she had really nice boobs. Oh hell, everything Cherie had was nice.
She gave me my first fellatio in the back of that car. Lol, not that it lasted long. Anyway, eventually we both ended up naked and she was breathing as hard as I was. We touched each other until I just couldn't stand it and begged her to let me have sex with her.
I do distinguish between having sex, making love and plain out hard core screwing. I seldom make love. I doubt I've told 10 women in my ife that I loved them. Maybe half of those I meant it really, the other half I just thought I did. Altho I did really rerealy like some of them.
Back to Cherie and I in the car. I had no clue what to do next so she showed me that too. She got underneath me and I stabbed ineffectively until she finally grabbed it and put it in for me. Then she started moving and it lasted about two whole minutes.
I loved it, it made me feel so close to her and I wanted to do it again and again and again. Lol, here comes the kicker, Cherie told me after we got dressed that we could do it together anytime I wanted. However it was going to cost me a quarter every time.
I could afford it so we spent pretty much every night that we could, together having sex. I couldn't get enough of the feelings or the closeness. It was great. The greatest thing ever. I know now that there are more important things but there weren't back then.
Sure, I still prefer hot, skinny, small breasted chicks in their 20's. Always have and always will but now at my age and health I find her mind to be more intriguing than I do the sex. There's another reason I still get different women without trying to hard at all.
I dated the oldest woman, last month that I'd dated since I was 17. She was all of 40. As silly and confused as most otf the 20 somethings tho. Now I've been semi dating a woman who is 53. We have a lot in common and I like that. She's not as young as I'd like but she understand me with out explanations. She thinks like I do and she's pretty enough for me
I feel like a stupid teenager with her. Don't act like I normally do. She makes me nervous because she's not near as forward as the rest of the girls I know. I actually have to pursue her and I don't really know how anymore. Rejections scares the hell out of me sometimes and this is one of those times.
Cherie and I had a lot of sex together before I moved. She taught me to kiss and I never had a complaint from anyone. Heh, even tho she was charging me a quarter she always made sure she came too. However she was not my girlfriend. Never was. We just had an arrangement we both really enjoyed.
Don't know what happened to her after I left but I hope she turned out okay. Somehow I suspect she turned out about like I did. To bad for her. I hope, for her sake, that she's happier than I am.
Akk the times we were doing it I didn't care about anything else. Heh, I could think of what Cherie and I did the night before, during a beating, and smile while getting beaten. Used to really piss my mother off.
I've never forgotten Cherie getting naked for us and for having sex with me and teaching me some things. The times I spent with her were some of the happiest I'd ever had.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Pain, stress, depression and the mind
For some reason I've been in more than the usual amount of pain for the last few days. It hurts my legs to walk and they hurt just sitting still. No comfortable position at all. Elbows, forearms and hands are the same way.
No clue what's causing it, well, a couple of medical problems, but the pain is beyond the usual scope of increase. Hopefully it's the weather. I've had arthritis for years but have been able to mostly ignore it or get by with ibuprofen.
I've got a very high pain threshold, lol, perhaps that's why, even at my size, I won so many fights with people bigger than me. I could ignore more damage than most people. Point is I'm up to Tylenol 3s and most people would be getting some really heavy duty pain killers. So why don't I?
Because then I can't function as I want to. Short term, no problem, long term, big problem. If you can't function as you want to what is the point of being alive. Then again, a permanently altered reality might be very interesting.
Then maybe I wouldn't have feelings and memories. Particularly ones I can't seem to suppress anymore. Now there's a whole nother subject. Suppressed memories almost always filter thru the subconscious first.
Anyway, the pain interferes with suppression of feelings and memories. Now I'm learning to replace the bad memories with good memories. Which in theory won't cause as much stress which equals less pain which equals less concentration required to control the rest.
Lol, I know I'm not going crazy because I question the sanity of it but now I'm substituting made up memories and making them real enough so my subconscious will believe them and act on them rather than the true memories.
IOW I'm building a new reality, small memory by small memory. I wonder if it will become real enough that I actually believe it. Denial is a very strong fault that could be put to good use. Now there's a subject I'm going to have to look up. Something I know absolutely nothing about. Actual memory replacement.
Funny that writing all of this depressing stuff is actually helping me. Oh well, it gets less depressing, to me at least because in a couple of weeks I'll have chronologically aged to where things get to be fun. Lol, I turned 13 in 1960. Sex, drugs and rock and roll. Ban the bomb, burn your bra and free love.
I had a wild time.
No clue what's causing it, well, a couple of medical problems, but the pain is beyond the usual scope of increase. Hopefully it's the weather. I've had arthritis for years but have been able to mostly ignore it or get by with ibuprofen.
I've got a very high pain threshold, lol, perhaps that's why, even at my size, I won so many fights with people bigger than me. I could ignore more damage than most people. Point is I'm up to Tylenol 3s and most people would be getting some really heavy duty pain killers. So why don't I?
Because then I can't function as I want to. Short term, no problem, long term, big problem. If you can't function as you want to what is the point of being alive. Then again, a permanently altered reality might be very interesting.
Then maybe I wouldn't have feelings and memories. Particularly ones I can't seem to suppress anymore. Now there's a whole nother subject. Suppressed memories almost always filter thru the subconscious first.
Anyway, the pain interferes with suppression of feelings and memories. Now I'm learning to replace the bad memories with good memories. Which in theory won't cause as much stress which equals less pain which equals less concentration required to control the rest.
Lol, I know I'm not going crazy because I question the sanity of it but now I'm substituting made up memories and making them real enough so my subconscious will believe them and act on them rather than the true memories.
IOW I'm building a new reality, small memory by small memory. I wonder if it will become real enough that I actually believe it. Denial is a very strong fault that could be put to good use. Now there's a subject I'm going to have to look up. Something I know absolutely nothing about. Actual memory replacement.
Funny that writing all of this depressing stuff is actually helping me. Oh well, it gets less depressing, to me at least because in a couple of weeks I'll have chronologically aged to where things get to be fun. Lol, I turned 13 in 1960. Sex, drugs and rock and roll. Ban the bomb, burn your bra and free love.
I had a wild time.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
A great day today and I feel really good.
I talked with T this morning and she brought the baby out because I hadn't seen her for a few days. Baby T is now 16 months and can almost say my name. It's so cool.
T was in back and I was watching the baby when her husband K came in. He played with baby for a minute and then asked me to watch her as he had to go back to work. Then her mom asked me a bit later if I'd mind keeping her busy while she got her bookkeeping done.
Now this is harder than it sounds because baby T is very spoiled and has quite the temper and tends to scream and cry a lot when she doesn't get her way. I spoil her too so it's not like it's something I didn't know. Her mom and I have discussed it and we both agreed it was getting out of hand and I've only known her for 5-6 weeks and she's worse.
When baby T gets mad at me she goes and stands by the door to the private quarters and stands there and screams. Usually her mom will come and let her in but she knows it's not a good thing because the baby just gets mom to pick her up so she'll be quiet. When she gets mad at mom she'll do the same thing to me.
I'm watching her and moms working and baby T decides she wants to throw dry cheerios all over so I took them away and naturally she had a fit. Mom didn't come to her aid and I let her scream and cry for a bit before I went and got her. She came back and sat by me and we talked for a bit. I have no clue what she was saying but I understood the tone. Every guy understands that tone in a female. She was letting me know she wasn't happy.
Then she decided she wanted to go outside. I picked her up so she could see better but she kept making a motion with her hand that means she wants something. She might not be able to make me understand her words yet but she does make me understand somethings. Her mom was back behind the counter so I told her baby and I were going out to see what her dad was doing.
I put her on my shoulders and she started giggling and off we went to explore the outside world together. She loved it and we went and found dad and he held he for a minute and then back on my shoulders. We walked around the whole area like that and everyone talked to her and she would babble back. She loved it and I thought it was the greatest thing. Then she got heavy so we went back inside. We'd been out for about 30 minutes.
She had a tantrum when I put her down inside and kept trying to force the door open. It was funny because she was really mad and frustrated because she couldn't get out. I tryed to distract her with toys and she threw them all on the floor. Finally got her to sit on the couch quietly and then she wanted the toys and wanted me to get them. I wouldn't so she had another bout. I laughed at her and told her I dealt with a woman 6 foot tall who threw tantrums too so she wasn't impressing me at 30 inches or so of fury.
When she got quiet again I put her back on my shoulders and we went back out for another walk. This time she got to say where she wanted to go and would indicate it to me with her hand motion. So we went and she was perfectly content, sitting on my shoulders quietly talking and ooing amd ahing over everything.
She'd indicate she wanted to go see someone and I'd walk over and she'd talk at them for a minute and then indicate she wanted to go somewhere else. She was fascinated by the butterflies and we followed them for a bit. Then she saw a pine cone so I stooped and picked it up and gave it to her. She examined it for a few minutes and was telling me about it. Then she dropped it and I had to pick it up. Not easy for me with her on my shoulders and it happened twice more so I got tired and we went back in.
Mom was working but about done so I sat her on the counter and she was playing with some paper and a pencil when she decided she wanted to play with the calculator mom was using and I wouldn't let her. She got mad and threw everything on the floor and I just let her get mad. She got over it and indicated she wanted the paper and pen from the floor so I put her down to get it. Oops, another fit.
She then went over by the door and started screaming and crying and m0m and I were laughing. After we had both ignored her she soon quit and came over and wrapped her little arms around me and held on. Naturally I melted and picked her up. Then she wanted the stuff on the floor again so we went thru an instant replay.
When she came back and hugged me again I told her we had to pick up her toys and I helped her with it then picked her back up and put her on the counter. Mom got her work done and as baby T was tired decided to give her some juice and put her down for a nap. I left feeling better than I have in a long time.
The sense of wonder she has and the fascination she has with everything new is just great. I really enjoy watching her learn new things and get excited over new things. It's really cool because everything is new. Her little tantrums are so funny and predictable. She definitely has a mind of her own. She's just the coolest little girl I've ever been around.
I have the feeling that baby T is going to make me regret that I never had children. I suppose I could still have a child but that kinda means that I have to be in a relationship first and I'm not nor is there anyone I'm interested in. I have the feeling that I missed out on a lot but it was my choice not to have a child.
My childhood made me not want to have kids. It took this long for me to get over it and decide I could handle it. It's not to late but it's getting there. I can't say that 60 is really a great time to think about having kids. Lol, of course my mind doesn't think it's 60 but my body knows it is.
Spending that quality time with baby T today made me feel really great and I think we'll go for a walk again tomorrow. I sure didn't have time to feel depressed playing with and being responsible for her. Best day for me this year.
T was in back and I was watching the baby when her husband K came in. He played with baby for a minute and then asked me to watch her as he had to go back to work. Then her mom asked me a bit later if I'd mind keeping her busy while she got her bookkeeping done.
Now this is harder than it sounds because baby T is very spoiled and has quite the temper and tends to scream and cry a lot when she doesn't get her way. I spoil her too so it's not like it's something I didn't know. Her mom and I have discussed it and we both agreed it was getting out of hand and I've only known her for 5-6 weeks and she's worse.
When baby T gets mad at me she goes and stands by the door to the private quarters and stands there and screams. Usually her mom will come and let her in but she knows it's not a good thing because the baby just gets mom to pick her up so she'll be quiet. When she gets mad at mom she'll do the same thing to me.
I'm watching her and moms working and baby T decides she wants to throw dry cheerios all over so I took them away and naturally she had a fit. Mom didn't come to her aid and I let her scream and cry for a bit before I went and got her. She came back and sat by me and we talked for a bit. I have no clue what she was saying but I understood the tone. Every guy understands that tone in a female. She was letting me know she wasn't happy.
Then she decided she wanted to go outside. I picked her up so she could see better but she kept making a motion with her hand that means she wants something. She might not be able to make me understand her words yet but she does make me understand somethings. Her mom was back behind the counter so I told her baby and I were going out to see what her dad was doing.
I put her on my shoulders and she started giggling and off we went to explore the outside world together. She loved it and we went and found dad and he held he for a minute and then back on my shoulders. We walked around the whole area like that and everyone talked to her and she would babble back. She loved it and I thought it was the greatest thing. Then she got heavy so we went back inside. We'd been out for about 30 minutes.
She had a tantrum when I put her down inside and kept trying to force the door open. It was funny because she was really mad and frustrated because she couldn't get out. I tryed to distract her with toys and she threw them all on the floor. Finally got her to sit on the couch quietly and then she wanted the toys and wanted me to get them. I wouldn't so she had another bout. I laughed at her and told her I dealt with a woman 6 foot tall who threw tantrums too so she wasn't impressing me at 30 inches or so of fury.
When she got quiet again I put her back on my shoulders and we went back out for another walk. This time she got to say where she wanted to go and would indicate it to me with her hand motion. So we went and she was perfectly content, sitting on my shoulders quietly talking and ooing amd ahing over everything.
She'd indicate she wanted to go see someone and I'd walk over and she'd talk at them for a minute and then indicate she wanted to go somewhere else. She was fascinated by the butterflies and we followed them for a bit. Then she saw a pine cone so I stooped and picked it up and gave it to her. She examined it for a few minutes and was telling me about it. Then she dropped it and I had to pick it up. Not easy for me with her on my shoulders and it happened twice more so I got tired and we went back in.
Mom was working but about done so I sat her on the counter and she was playing with some paper and a pencil when she decided she wanted to play with the calculator mom was using and I wouldn't let her. She got mad and threw everything on the floor and I just let her get mad. She got over it and indicated she wanted the paper and pen from the floor so I put her down to get it. Oops, another fit.
She then went over by the door and started screaming and crying and m0m and I were laughing. After we had both ignored her she soon quit and came over and wrapped her little arms around me and held on. Naturally I melted and picked her up. Then she wanted the stuff on the floor again so we went thru an instant replay.
When she came back and hugged me again I told her we had to pick up her toys and I helped her with it then picked her back up and put her on the counter. Mom got her work done and as baby T was tired decided to give her some juice and put her down for a nap. I left feeling better than I have in a long time.
The sense of wonder she has and the fascination she has with everything new is just great. I really enjoy watching her learn new things and get excited over new things. It's really cool because everything is new. Her little tantrums are so funny and predictable. She definitely has a mind of her own. She's just the coolest little girl I've ever been around.
I have the feeling that baby T is going to make me regret that I never had children. I suppose I could still have a child but that kinda means that I have to be in a relationship first and I'm not nor is there anyone I'm interested in. I have the feeling that I missed out on a lot but it was my choice not to have a child.
My childhood made me not want to have kids. It took this long for me to get over it and decide I could handle it. It's not to late but it's getting there. I can't say that 60 is really a great time to think about having kids. Lol, of course my mind doesn't think it's 60 but my body knows it is.
Spending that quality time with baby T today made me feel really great and I think we'll go for a walk again tomorrow. I sure didn't have time to feel depressed playing with and being responsible for her. Best day for me this year.
Sunday, April 1, 2007
How do you know if you are happy?
What is happiness? How does it feel? This is just another emotion I have no clue about. People tell me I am not a happy person so I'll always ask them how do you be a happy person? What does it take to have feelings of happiness? How does it feel? No one has yet given me an adequate explanation.
I've had a few girlfriends who I thought made me happy but the truth is what they did was just lessen the mental pain I have always felt. Seldom has anyone made me totally forget the mental pain. The only thing that's ever done that is adrenaline. The more of an adrenaline rush I can get the better I feel.
However adrenaline gets harder and harder to come by. Example of this is I was driving west on Interstate 90 in South Dakota. It was raining lightly, below freezing and the wind was from my right at around 45 mph. Lol, I was doing the usual 79 mph, smoking a cigarette and driving one handed as always.
All of a sudden I hit a slick spot and my car started sliding sideways. I corrected for the slide, calmly reached down and put my cigarette in the ashtray, meanwhile the car starts sliding in the opposite direction and the wind is pushing me toward the south shoulder of the interstate. Still steering with one hand I finally got the cigarette in the ashtray and got the car straightened out at the same time. Didn't even bother to take the cruise control off.
About another mile down the road it happened again and this time I got completely sideways but was able to control it again with no real problem. I even considered slowing down but hey, it was a couple of freak things so I didn't care. Then it happened again and was a little more difficult to get control off but still no big deal, to me.
No adrenaline rush from that at all but I did have a big grin on my face. Was I stupid for not slowing down? Certainly. Did I put anyone else in danger? Nope traffic was pretty sparse due to the freezing rain. Did it make me happy? Nope, not a bit.
Is happiness just a lack of bad feelings? Is it as simple as not being depressed? Just what the hell is happiness and how do you get it? I have a warm/cool place to live, I get enough to eat and have enough to support myself for a long time, I have a decent car and plenty of clothes etc. People tell me I should be very happy for what I have but it's just stuff.
For sure it beats the hell out of being homeless and hungry and I'm grateful for that but it doesn't seem to make me a happy person. I truly want to be a happy person but there don't seem to be any guide books on how to be happy.
I'm seldom in a truly bad mood but at best my moods mostly stop at neutral. Helping others with their life problems or stopping them from being abused makes me feel good for a bit but it doesn't last long and I don't have a clue if that's happy or not. I can only think of one time that I had great feelings and a big grin for hours but that was due to making 300 bucks on the net while I was taking a nap for an hour and a half. It was my first good day on the net and it felt great. People tell me that's how I should feel all the time.
Money doesn't buy happiness. Having things doesn't make me happy. I've had more things than most people ever will. New boats, cars, houses, hell I had a 7 bedroom, 3 bathroom on 2 acres at a very good fishing lake, four wheelers, motorcycles and all new furniture with all of the trimmings. Still didn't make me happy. It's just stuff. Doesn't matter to me if I drive a brand new suburban or an old pickup truck as long as it's reliable and gets me where I want to go.
Same with houses, apts, etc. As long as it keeps me warm or cool, dry and comfortable I don't care if it's a penthouse or a cheap motel room. Stuff doesn't have any meaning for me as long as it does the job I need it to do.
So how do you get to be happy? I really wish someone would answer that for me with something that works. I'd really like to know how to be happy and have weeks or months that are happy. Is happiness something you can learn, is it an absence of bad feelings. Just what is happiness? Someone explain it to me, please.
I've had a few girlfriends who I thought made me happy but the truth is what they did was just lessen the mental pain I have always felt. Seldom has anyone made me totally forget the mental pain. The only thing that's ever done that is adrenaline. The more of an adrenaline rush I can get the better I feel.
However adrenaline gets harder and harder to come by. Example of this is I was driving west on Interstate 90 in South Dakota. It was raining lightly, below freezing and the wind was from my right at around 45 mph. Lol, I was doing the usual 79 mph, smoking a cigarette and driving one handed as always.
All of a sudden I hit a slick spot and my car started sliding sideways. I corrected for the slide, calmly reached down and put my cigarette in the ashtray, meanwhile the car starts sliding in the opposite direction and the wind is pushing me toward the south shoulder of the interstate. Still steering with one hand I finally got the cigarette in the ashtray and got the car straightened out at the same time. Didn't even bother to take the cruise control off.
About another mile down the road it happened again and this time I got completely sideways but was able to control it again with no real problem. I even considered slowing down but hey, it was a couple of freak things so I didn't care. Then it happened again and was a little more difficult to get control off but still no big deal, to me.
No adrenaline rush from that at all but I did have a big grin on my face. Was I stupid for not slowing down? Certainly. Did I put anyone else in danger? Nope traffic was pretty sparse due to the freezing rain. Did it make me happy? Nope, not a bit.
Is happiness just a lack of bad feelings? Is it as simple as not being depressed? Just what the hell is happiness and how do you get it? I have a warm/cool place to live, I get enough to eat and have enough to support myself for a long time, I have a decent car and plenty of clothes etc. People tell me I should be very happy for what I have but it's just stuff.
For sure it beats the hell out of being homeless and hungry and I'm grateful for that but it doesn't seem to make me a happy person. I truly want to be a happy person but there don't seem to be any guide books on how to be happy.
I'm seldom in a truly bad mood but at best my moods mostly stop at neutral. Helping others with their life problems or stopping them from being abused makes me feel good for a bit but it doesn't last long and I don't have a clue if that's happy or not. I can only think of one time that I had great feelings and a big grin for hours but that was due to making 300 bucks on the net while I was taking a nap for an hour and a half. It was my first good day on the net and it felt great. People tell me that's how I should feel all the time.
Money doesn't buy happiness. Having things doesn't make me happy. I've had more things than most people ever will. New boats, cars, houses, hell I had a 7 bedroom, 3 bathroom on 2 acres at a very good fishing lake, four wheelers, motorcycles and all new furniture with all of the trimmings. Still didn't make me happy. It's just stuff. Doesn't matter to me if I drive a brand new suburban or an old pickup truck as long as it's reliable and gets me where I want to go.
Same with houses, apts, etc. As long as it keeps me warm or cool, dry and comfortable I don't care if it's a penthouse or a cheap motel room. Stuff doesn't have any meaning for me as long as it does the job I need it to do.
So how do you get to be happy? I really wish someone would answer that for me with something that works. I'd really like to know how to be happy and have weeks or months that are happy. Is happiness something you can learn, is it an absence of bad feelings. Just what is happiness? Someone explain it to me, please.
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