I don't know if it's depression but my girlfriends made me very angry. At least this time I finally got to the end of why it makes me angry. Once again, it's one of those things I think I should have figured out years ago.
We get along pretty good as a couple despite the problems she has and our other differences. We decided to move in together last Sept for money saving reasons. We'd know and liked each other since March 2007. Two of her grandchildren live with us so it was kind of a shock to my system as I much prefer to be alone.
Gradually we fell in love and most of the time I know she loves me. There are a few things that will turn that knowing off almost instantly. She takes good care of me, cooks for me, washes clothes for me and keeps the house looking nice. Lol, she even irons my pants and my pullover knit shits.
When we first met she was a yeller. She yelled at everyone about everything they did wrong. She yelled at me once and we had a three day fight during which I left and wouldn't answer my phone. I won't tolerate being yelled at as it reminds me of my mother and I also think it's very childish and out of control.
I don't like noise and her grandchildren were quite loud and so was she. Banging cupboard doors, slamming doors, dishes and anything else that can make loud noise. We talked that one out and she stopped it.
The other day she called me at 12:50 PM and said she was at her brothers after work and that she had called for her ride and would be home in 30-40 minutes. When 1:30 PM came and she wasn't home I decided to take a nap. At 3:40 the phone rang and woke me up but they hung up before I answered. Didn't recognize the number.
Now I'm really pissed because she isn't home and hasn't called. IMO she should have called at 1:30 when she KNEW she wasn't going to be home when she said. However when her granddaughter got home from school she called. Then she wanted to know if I wanted anything from Subway. My reply. NO!
I felt she was trying to buy me off because she knew she messed up and I was pissed. I was right too. She admitted it. You can't buy me. My mother used to do that and to this day it pisses me off when people try. You can't repair emotional pain by bringing me food or gifts. MOF I'm as likely to throw it in the garbage right in front of you as anything else.
Anyway, she tells me she loves me but her friends and her beer were more important to her than calling me to let me know she wasn't going to be home on time. To me that's not love, that means, to me that when I'm not around you forget about me and don't care what I feel or how worried I might be.
If you don't care about me enough to call me and let me know you are going to be late then it makes me feel like I'm being played and used rather than loved. If you don't call it makes me feel as if everything else you did was just so you could get something from me. It invalidates everything you have ever told me or shown me about loving me and makes it all a lie just to get what you want.
When she or anyone else hurts me I withdraw from them totally. I become very cold and hard hearted and do things to hurt them back. After all, if you don't care enough to call me you must not love me so I'm not going to show you I love you either. You hurt me so I'm going to hurt you back.
Leftovers from the way my mother used to treat me and the things she did. I believe in what peoples actions show and not what their words say. I learned that before I was 5.
I never followed that line of reasoning to the end before. I always told the other chicks it was just total disrespect and I wouldn't put up with it. It is and I feel you don't do that to someone you love. No more than you would cheat on someone you say you love.
Of course when you've never let your feelings exist it's hard to explain why you feel the way you do and what reasonable or unreasonable thing caused it. When everything in a relationship is invalidated it hurts to think you've been played.
Problem is now I don't know how to react to something like that. It makes me feel hurt and angry and I want to hurt back. If she doesn't love me then why shouldn't I hurt back. Actions speak louder than words. At least now I understand why it makes me so angry. I don;t know how to stop it tho.
Showing posts with label girlfriend. Show all posts
Showing posts with label girlfriend. Show all posts
Friday, April 25, 2008
Saturday, November 17, 2007
No depression, except the normal stress and anxiety
Here I was, LeMars Iowa, a young kid who turned 13 in 1960. I had one hell of a lot of fun in the 60's and some not so fun moments but mostly I love the 60's and 70's.
I was a rebel and I fit right in the era. However I didn't fit with the hippies nor did I fit with the bad asses. Funny, I still don't fit much of anywhere so like back then I mostly stay apart from named or labeled groups.
For a few years while living in LeMars I still got beatings from both parents. I still got molested by relatives and I tried, as in the past, to maintain a low profile, stay out of the house as much as possible and keep myself together.
I was the new kid in town so I had a few fights. Lol, some families seemed to have an inexhaustible supply of ever bigger brothers. I'd kick the crap out of the one my age and here'd come his bigger brother. Sheesh, it got old but I earned the respect I deserved from everyone.
Being the new kid in a small town is a lot like living in a flock of chickens. I upset the pecking order and it had to be figured out where I fit in the order. As usual it turns out I didn't fit. While I proclaim myself not to be a leader, it's for damn sure I'm not a follower. To hell with the pecking order, I did my own thing back then and I do it now.
The older brothers, who could kick my ass, soon found out the price was a bit higher than they wanted to pay and it got harder to kick my ass every time we fought. Soon they started telling their brothers my age to deal with it and leave them alone. In the end it was pretty much no one messed with me.
I did make some friends and we hung out together a lot. Just like now days, there was nothing much for kids to do so we got into trouble now and then because of sheer boredom. The group I hung out with wasn't known for good grades or anything else but being tough and trouble.
Lol, neither the girls or the guys. The girls back then were a lot calmer than they are now tho. The tempers were there but the girls were better able to control theirs. Also, the female pecking order was more socially oriented than physical or mental.
Girls fighting was almost unheard of and fun to watch because mostly they were hair pulling contests and someone might lose a top or the guys might get to see some skin. Nothing dangerous about it at all except for the hurt feelings for the loser.
Heh, I was reading a book about Abby Hoffman the other day and learned some things I didn't know but for the most part I lived the 60's experience to the hilt. I was a rebel then and I guess I'd have to say I still am.
Was I depressed while living in LeMars? Probably. The stress and anxiety of never knowing what was going to happen at home makes that pretty much a fact. However I never knew it as depression. I had a reputation with the girls as being a bit sad and quite moody but part of that was an act to get girls to pick me up.
Lol, at least I thought it was an act, now I'm not so sure. One thing I do know tho is that same act will still get chicks to pick you up today. There's always a babe that wants to take care of you and make you feel better. Hmmm, perhaps that's why I have so many problems with women.
Gasp, could it be I've been looking for a mother for all of these years? I'm sure that's the correct psychiatric answer but I'm not sure it's true. I suspect the answer is I never learned to feel the things for others that I should have learned when I was a child. I never learned that anyone could be depended on. I never learned how to make a relationship work.
In some ways I haven't changed much at all. In other ways I'm not even recognizable as the same person. My current girlfriend and lover remarked the other day that she was surprised at the fact I like to cuddle up with her on the couch and on how tender and gentle I am with her in bed.
Both were a major surprise to her because they certainly don't match the first impression people get. We've know each other for 8 months of so and just got together about a month ago. Yet she's still surprised. Lol, you don't get to know the real me until I decide to let you.
While shrinks may think one thing I suspect the bigger issue is trust.
I was a rebel and I fit right in the era. However I didn't fit with the hippies nor did I fit with the bad asses. Funny, I still don't fit much of anywhere so like back then I mostly stay apart from named or labeled groups.
For a few years while living in LeMars I still got beatings from both parents. I still got molested by relatives and I tried, as in the past, to maintain a low profile, stay out of the house as much as possible and keep myself together.
I was the new kid in town so I had a few fights. Lol, some families seemed to have an inexhaustible supply of ever bigger brothers. I'd kick the crap out of the one my age and here'd come his bigger brother. Sheesh, it got old but I earned the respect I deserved from everyone.
Being the new kid in a small town is a lot like living in a flock of chickens. I upset the pecking order and it had to be figured out where I fit in the order. As usual it turns out I didn't fit. While I proclaim myself not to be a leader, it's for damn sure I'm not a follower. To hell with the pecking order, I did my own thing back then and I do it now.
The older brothers, who could kick my ass, soon found out the price was a bit higher than they wanted to pay and it got harder to kick my ass every time we fought. Soon they started telling their brothers my age to deal with it and leave them alone. In the end it was pretty much no one messed with me.
I did make some friends and we hung out together a lot. Just like now days, there was nothing much for kids to do so we got into trouble now and then because of sheer boredom. The group I hung out with wasn't known for good grades or anything else but being tough and trouble.
Lol, neither the girls or the guys. The girls back then were a lot calmer than they are now tho. The tempers were there but the girls were better able to control theirs. Also, the female pecking order was more socially oriented than physical or mental.
Girls fighting was almost unheard of and fun to watch because mostly they were hair pulling contests and someone might lose a top or the guys might get to see some skin. Nothing dangerous about it at all except for the hurt feelings for the loser.
Heh, I was reading a book about Abby Hoffman the other day and learned some things I didn't know but for the most part I lived the 60's experience to the hilt. I was a rebel then and I guess I'd have to say I still am.
Was I depressed while living in LeMars? Probably. The stress and anxiety of never knowing what was going to happen at home makes that pretty much a fact. However I never knew it as depression. I had a reputation with the girls as being a bit sad and quite moody but part of that was an act to get girls to pick me up.
Lol, at least I thought it was an act, now I'm not so sure. One thing I do know tho is that same act will still get chicks to pick you up today. There's always a babe that wants to take care of you and make you feel better. Hmmm, perhaps that's why I have so many problems with women.
Gasp, could it be I've been looking for a mother for all of these years? I'm sure that's the correct psychiatric answer but I'm not sure it's true. I suspect the answer is I never learned to feel the things for others that I should have learned when I was a child. I never learned that anyone could be depended on. I never learned how to make a relationship work.
In some ways I haven't changed much at all. In other ways I'm not even recognizable as the same person. My current girlfriend and lover remarked the other day that she was surprised at the fact I like to cuddle up with her on the couch and on how tender and gentle I am with her in bed.
Both were a major surprise to her because they certainly don't match the first impression people get. We've know each other for 8 months of so and just got together about a month ago. Yet she's still surprised. Lol, you don't get to know the real me until I decide to let you.
While shrinks may think one thing I suspect the bigger issue is trust.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Wandering around in my head gets depressing, it's not fair.
I remember to much and I think to much. I've started trying to keep track of the time I spend, just thinking. Sometimes I think about weird things like the power of your mind or cosmic consciousness.
Sometimes I think about my past life and what I'm going to write in here. That helps me to remember incidents that have happened. Sometimes I think about how am I going to open the boxes in my mind that I have kept sealed shut for years. Opening some will be scary and depressing and possibly dangerous. They've been hidden away that long for a reason.
Most times tho I'm either trying to teach my self a new way to think via 'The Secret" which advocates how to get what you want by stating things in a positive fashion. For instance, 'I want to have a safe driving record' as opposed to 'I don't want to get a ticket'. Changing my thought process from the negative, 'I don't want' to the positive 'I do want' is working.
Most of my thinking is about what I do want to do with my life in the future. Yes, I want a pretty, skinny, intelligent woman for a great relationship and I will get that. However that's just a very small part of what I want.
Lol, I know life is not fair. Trish, the love of my life, got angry at me because she wasn't allowed to talk to me about guys she went out with but I talked to her about chicks I went out with. Sent me an angry email about how it wasn't fair. She's right, it wasn't. However it did hurt me a lot to hear about her boyfriends.
My reply to her email was as angry as hers was. Who the hell said life was fair? Who the hell said I was fair? etc. Which made her even madder so we fought more. Besides, I was getting even for her cheating on me and having someone else's baby that she told everyone was mine all thru the pregnancy. Talk about not fair.
About an hour after we finished arguing I was reading something and found an interesting quote. 'Not being able to make everything perfectly fair is no reason not to make things more fair. ' and realized I was wrong. It's one of the reasons I went on permanent vacation.
I've always tried to be fair and for me to have gone that far off from what I believed to be right was an indication of how depressed I really was and how hurt and angry at her I was. Not just at her tho.
At other chicks too. Trish has a lot of spirit and coincidentally is black, lol, and 32 years younger than me. So to get over the hurt of us breaking up, it was vicious, both times, I started going out with other black chicks. Trish wasn't from the 'hood' or the ghetto but the girls I dated after her were.
Some from Minneapolis and Atlanta but mostly from Milwaukee. Now here too. The people up north live in better houses but that's about the only difference I can see. The problems are the same, the lack of opportunity is the same, the hopelessness and despair is the same.
Even tho these girls were 30 yrs younger than me, I still met most of their parents, brothers, sisters, etc. Lol, feels a little weird being one of two white guys at a family reunion of 300. I don't know how I got talked into that.
So what's any of this got do do with my thinking to much and what I want to do in the future? Simple, I have set a goal of making 5 million dollars in the next two years. What do I want to do with the money?
Why, play the game of course. What game? The getting people to do what I want and donate money game. Right or wrong, here's the plan. If you've got a better idea tell me about it. However I know I can do this and that it's the right thing to do.
When I make enough money so I can drive fancy cars, have a fancy house and girlfriend I want to start a foundation that works exclusively with girls trying to get out of the ghetto and helps them learn to have a better life.
With the intro to rich people that I will have due to the money I have I will be able to raise a lot more money and help a lot more people. It's where most of my money will also go. I have a lot of ideas that can help. Lol, my girlfriend or wife is going to be the one out in front, not me. Semi anonymous at least or at least not the one doing the talking to the big shots and media.
I not only want to change a little corner of my world I want to change a big corner of it for other people. Some just need an emergency taken care of, some just need a ride to work, some need counseling, most need a job that pays enough to live on.
BTW, I give people here rides to work when they need them, rides to the doctor or hospital and small loans now and then. Everyone appreciates it and I even get paid back by 95%. I don't ask for gas money but every now and then someone will offer so I take it. If I refused it would hurt their dignity.
While I don't have to work, I'm not rich either. Like most people I'm on a budget and I can only do so much. However I am doing what I can do to make my little corner of the world more fair and a little nicer for me and for the people I am able to help.
That, at least, makes me feel good. Do what you can to make your part of the world more fair. It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be more fair. I know you can't help everyone but you can certainly help a friend or a neighbor who needs it. Do your part to make it more fair.
Sometimes I think about my past life and what I'm going to write in here. That helps me to remember incidents that have happened. Sometimes I think about how am I going to open the boxes in my mind that I have kept sealed shut for years. Opening some will be scary and depressing and possibly dangerous. They've been hidden away that long for a reason.
Most times tho I'm either trying to teach my self a new way to think via 'The Secret" which advocates how to get what you want by stating things in a positive fashion. For instance, 'I want to have a safe driving record' as opposed to 'I don't want to get a ticket'. Changing my thought process from the negative, 'I don't want' to the positive 'I do want' is working.
Most of my thinking is about what I do want to do with my life in the future. Yes, I want a pretty, skinny, intelligent woman for a great relationship and I will get that. However that's just a very small part of what I want.
Lol, I know life is not fair. Trish, the love of my life, got angry at me because she wasn't allowed to talk to me about guys she went out with but I talked to her about chicks I went out with. Sent me an angry email about how it wasn't fair. She's right, it wasn't. However it did hurt me a lot to hear about her boyfriends.
My reply to her email was as angry as hers was. Who the hell said life was fair? Who the hell said I was fair? etc. Which made her even madder so we fought more. Besides, I was getting even for her cheating on me and having someone else's baby that she told everyone was mine all thru the pregnancy. Talk about not fair.
About an hour after we finished arguing I was reading something and found an interesting quote. 'Not being able to make everything perfectly fair is no reason not to make things more fair. ' and realized I was wrong. It's one of the reasons I went on permanent vacation.
I've always tried to be fair and for me to have gone that far off from what I believed to be right was an indication of how depressed I really was and how hurt and angry at her I was. Not just at her tho.
At other chicks too. Trish has a lot of spirit and coincidentally is black, lol, and 32 years younger than me. So to get over the hurt of us breaking up, it was vicious, both times, I started going out with other black chicks. Trish wasn't from the 'hood' or the ghetto but the girls I dated after her were.
Some from Minneapolis and Atlanta but mostly from Milwaukee. Now here too. The people up north live in better houses but that's about the only difference I can see. The problems are the same, the lack of opportunity is the same, the hopelessness and despair is the same.
Even tho these girls were 30 yrs younger than me, I still met most of their parents, brothers, sisters, etc. Lol, feels a little weird being one of two white guys at a family reunion of 300. I don't know how I got talked into that.
So what's any of this got do do with my thinking to much and what I want to do in the future? Simple, I have set a goal of making 5 million dollars in the next two years. What do I want to do with the money?
Why, play the game of course. What game? The getting people to do what I want and donate money game. Right or wrong, here's the plan. If you've got a better idea tell me about it. However I know I can do this and that it's the right thing to do.
When I make enough money so I can drive fancy cars, have a fancy house and girlfriend I want to start a foundation that works exclusively with girls trying to get out of the ghetto and helps them learn to have a better life.
With the intro to rich people that I will have due to the money I have I will be able to raise a lot more money and help a lot more people. It's where most of my money will also go. I have a lot of ideas that can help. Lol, my girlfriend or wife is going to be the one out in front, not me. Semi anonymous at least or at least not the one doing the talking to the big shots and media.
I not only want to change a little corner of my world I want to change a big corner of it for other people. Some just need an emergency taken care of, some just need a ride to work, some need counseling, most need a job that pays enough to live on.
BTW, I give people here rides to work when they need them, rides to the doctor or hospital and small loans now and then. Everyone appreciates it and I even get paid back by 95%. I don't ask for gas money but every now and then someone will offer so I take it. If I refused it would hurt their dignity.
While I don't have to work, I'm not rich either. Like most people I'm on a budget and I can only do so much. However I am doing what I can do to make my little corner of the world more fair and a little nicer for me and for the people I am able to help.
That, at least, makes me feel good. Do what you can to make your part of the world more fair. It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be more fair. I know you can't help everyone but you can certainly help a friend or a neighbor who needs it. Do your part to make it more fair.
Monday, April 2, 2007
Seems I've turned into a depressed needy wuss that confuses my girlfriend
We haven't been getting along for quite awhile. We've dated off and on for almost a year when I'm between girls. Lol, you could say she's my fallback position. No, it's not a nice thing to do to her but she's always there and we always end up back together.
I have some rules in my life that are pretty simple. Be honest with me, be loyal to me if we are friends or in a relationship, be faithful in a relationship and do what you tell me you will do. Simple and easy, at least to me.
Evidently I need to add another. Give me lots of attention. She works and she has a son who doesn't live with her but that she gets on a weekly basis when she's in town. I know her work hours so I don't call her during those hours. However I do call her before work, sometimes after work as she gets off around one in the morning.
She will tell me she'll call at a certain time or when a certain thing gets done and then she doesn't. When she wants something, even as little as 20 dollars she'll be really nice, call me, tell me how much she cares, etc. However as soon as she gets what she wants she forgets about calling or being nice. Irritates me to no end.
When she doesn't call I get very upset with her and then we fight. We had agreed to be together for this week but I put a condition on it that it depended on how well we got along on the phone. Heh, we lasted one day after discussing our future together.
Two weeks ago she was working in a smaller city and was going to be working somewhere else the next week. I told her if she wanted I'd come and stay with her the next week. Then work happened and I couldn't come so we agreed on this week at her apt as she wasn't supposed to be working.
She didn't call me to let me know she got to the small city so I called to make sure she was okay and got no answer. Neither did she call me the next day so I left a message. When she still hadn't called the next morning I got irritated and sent her a not so nice text message. She finally got around to calling and I asked her why she hadn't called before.
She got mad and hung up on me. The second time in a week so I quit calling her and said from now on it was up to her to call me. Short fight about that but I had it in stubborn mode so we didn't talk for a few days. Besides, we had plans to be together this week anyway.
Now I'm mad and not talking, she's mad and not talking and things are going very badly. The meeting her at her next job got cancelled because I was angry at her for not calling. We then planned this eek together if we could get along.
We couldn't. We lasted two days without fighting, made plans on what to do with her son while I was there and it was all set up so we could be together. She wants me to come to where she lives and move in together so we figured out how to introduce her son to the idea and all of that.
Then we got into a fight yet again. She hadn't called me when she said she would and I snapped on her and we didn't talk until yesterday. I had sent her a txt msg that said if she didn't call by 11 on Sunday we were through and I wouldn't be there. Sent her another one at 9 Sunday morning telling her she had two hours left or we were through because I was tired of the BS of her not doing what she said.
So she called right back and said she was about out of minutes and would call me when she got home, from her house phone. Checkout time at my motel was 11 so when she hadn't called by then I checked out, killed time talking to the woman who runs the motel and her little girl and she still hadn't called by noon so I left and headed west. She lives NE of here so wrong direction.
She finally called at 12:30 and asked what I was doing and if I was on the way. Told her I was headed west and we got into a big argument. Then a few miles down the road I decided what she had said made sense so I turned around and headed for her, 1000 miles away. Stopped and got gas and called her and told her I changed my mind, that she was right and I'd be there Monday night.
She then told me that because I hadn't called her she took another job and was going to be gone but I could come to the small city and stay with her at the motel. That pissed me off and I said no then she went off on me and chewed my ass up one side and down the other. Told me she decided to take the job when I hadn't called her because I was mad. Lol, I was mad because she hadn't called me. Once again the conversation was short and I told her to have fun at the job and we hung up.
Then I checked back into a motel to get some work done and to think. She had told me I was acting like a spoiled little kid and I wasn't to tell her what to do or when or how. So I thought about it and decided she was right, I had been acting badly. If it was okay for us to meet at her other job why wasn't it okay for me to meet her this time. Because I had planned to be at her place and it pissed me off because it wasn't going to happen.
So I'm here alone, she's there alone and we are both angry at one another. I know the problem and I know it's my fault, this time. Depression makes you do some weird things without even understanding you are doing them.
When she doesn't call or return calls I take it as total rejection and get very hurt over it. When I get hurt I get angry and unreasonable. It feels a lot like my mother rejecting me. For that reason I need and want and crave her attention. I never used to be that way. I didn't need anyone for anything. I'm not here with her so still don't but now it hurts.
Somewhere along the way I turned into a very needy wuss who pouts and gets angry if I don't get the attention I need. That's totally stupid because it pushes her away and then I don't get anything I want at all. Worse yet I know it's the same reason I fought with all the other girls I went out with. That made me even more depressed.
I don't blame my mother for my behavior, that's my very own responsibility and I am responsible for the things I say and do. The problem is I don' think, I just get angry. Rejection is a very scary thing to me. Now I understand why it is and that's due to my mother not wanting me.
So, here I sit, depressed, alone and lonely and have no one to blame but myself. Life sucks some days.
I have some rules in my life that are pretty simple. Be honest with me, be loyal to me if we are friends or in a relationship, be faithful in a relationship and do what you tell me you will do. Simple and easy, at least to me.
Evidently I need to add another. Give me lots of attention. She works and she has a son who doesn't live with her but that she gets on a weekly basis when she's in town. I know her work hours so I don't call her during those hours. However I do call her before work, sometimes after work as she gets off around one in the morning.
She will tell me she'll call at a certain time or when a certain thing gets done and then she doesn't. When she wants something, even as little as 20 dollars she'll be really nice, call me, tell me how much she cares, etc. However as soon as she gets what she wants she forgets about calling or being nice. Irritates me to no end.
When she doesn't call I get very upset with her and then we fight. We had agreed to be together for this week but I put a condition on it that it depended on how well we got along on the phone. Heh, we lasted one day after discussing our future together.
Two weeks ago she was working in a smaller city and was going to be working somewhere else the next week. I told her if she wanted I'd come and stay with her the next week. Then work happened and I couldn't come so we agreed on this week at her apt as she wasn't supposed to be working.
She didn't call me to let me know she got to the small city so I called to make sure she was okay and got no answer. Neither did she call me the next day so I left a message. When she still hadn't called the next morning I got irritated and sent her a not so nice text message. She finally got around to calling and I asked her why she hadn't called before.
She got mad and hung up on me. The second time in a week so I quit calling her and said from now on it was up to her to call me. Short fight about that but I had it in stubborn mode so we didn't talk for a few days. Besides, we had plans to be together this week anyway.
Now I'm mad and not talking, she's mad and not talking and things are going very badly. The meeting her at her next job got cancelled because I was angry at her for not calling. We then planned this eek together if we could get along.
We couldn't. We lasted two days without fighting, made plans on what to do with her son while I was there and it was all set up so we could be together. She wants me to come to where she lives and move in together so we figured out how to introduce her son to the idea and all of that.
Then we got into a fight yet again. She hadn't called me when she said she would and I snapped on her and we didn't talk until yesterday. I had sent her a txt msg that said if she didn't call by 11 on Sunday we were through and I wouldn't be there. Sent her another one at 9 Sunday morning telling her she had two hours left or we were through because I was tired of the BS of her not doing what she said.
So she called right back and said she was about out of minutes and would call me when she got home, from her house phone. Checkout time at my motel was 11 so when she hadn't called by then I checked out, killed time talking to the woman who runs the motel and her little girl and she still hadn't called by noon so I left and headed west. She lives NE of here so wrong direction.
She finally called at 12:30 and asked what I was doing and if I was on the way. Told her I was headed west and we got into a big argument. Then a few miles down the road I decided what she had said made sense so I turned around and headed for her, 1000 miles away. Stopped and got gas and called her and told her I changed my mind, that she was right and I'd be there Monday night.
She then told me that because I hadn't called her she took another job and was going to be gone but I could come to the small city and stay with her at the motel. That pissed me off and I said no then she went off on me and chewed my ass up one side and down the other. Told me she decided to take the job when I hadn't called her because I was mad. Lol, I was mad because she hadn't called me. Once again the conversation was short and I told her to have fun at the job and we hung up.
Then I checked back into a motel to get some work done and to think. She had told me I was acting like a spoiled little kid and I wasn't to tell her what to do or when or how. So I thought about it and decided she was right, I had been acting badly. If it was okay for us to meet at her other job why wasn't it okay for me to meet her this time. Because I had planned to be at her place and it pissed me off because it wasn't going to happen.
So I'm here alone, she's there alone and we are both angry at one another. I know the problem and I know it's my fault, this time. Depression makes you do some weird things without even understanding you are doing them.
When she doesn't call or return calls I take it as total rejection and get very hurt over it. When I get hurt I get angry and unreasonable. It feels a lot like my mother rejecting me. For that reason I need and want and crave her attention. I never used to be that way. I didn't need anyone for anything. I'm not here with her so still don't but now it hurts.
Somewhere along the way I turned into a very needy wuss who pouts and gets angry if I don't get the attention I need. That's totally stupid because it pushes her away and then I don't get anything I want at all. Worse yet I know it's the same reason I fought with all the other girls I went out with. That made me even more depressed.
I don't blame my mother for my behavior, that's my very own responsibility and I am responsible for the things I say and do. The problem is I don' think, I just get angry. Rejection is a very scary thing to me. Now I understand why it is and that's due to my mother not wanting me.
So, here I sit, depressed, alone and lonely and have no one to blame but myself. Life sucks some days.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
The need for adrenaline and depression
I need to take a break from writing about my childhood. It's to damn depressing. ;) For most of my life, at least since I coould read and I could read at 5, I've been reading books about what makes me the way I am, how did I get this eay and every self help book you can imagine. Plus psychology books and books about social problems.
I've prety much been a thrill seeker all my life and I never ever was worried about what might happen. I was the first in my crowd to hop a moving train, I was the first to climb the water tower, I was the first to smoke and the first to get drunk. The more of an adrenaline rush I could get the happier I was.
I raced cars for two years at small tracks and actually got bored with it. I've been shot, stabbed and cut because of my huge need for the adrenaline rush. I spent a lot of time in places most people wouldn't go into voluntarily. Actually I was still doing that until last month when someone asked me to stop.
She argued with me for hours about driving thru the worst areas of Milwaukee to get to my girlfriends place which isn't in a very good area anyway but it's not the worst. I went into a house, in the worst area of the hood, with my girlfriend, 10 guys, 3 chicks and me. Oh I forget to mention my girlfriend is a black chick and I'm an old white guy. It was quite interesting but no adrenaline rush.
Anyway M finally asked me what I was trying to prove or who I was trying to prove it to. I did it because I was looking for a rush, to prove to myself that I still had the nads to do it and because I didn't give a damn if anything happened. No adrenaline rush driving thru the "hood" at 1:20 in the morning either. It's no shorter to go that way nor is it longer, it's just one way to get to her house from where I stay. So now I take the safer way 4 out of 5 times. Made my girlfriend happier too.
Wow, imagine this, I developed an alcohol problem. Sheesh, I wonder how that happened. Most people ended up in treatment back in 1980 for 30-60 days. I was there for nine freaking months before they finally let me out. Naturally I had a drink with my steak at the first steakhouse I came to the day they let me out.
A shrink told me once I was the kind of person who jumped off cliffs without a parchute because I had the confidence I'd be able to build one on the way down. Another shrink told me I was born about 150 years to late. Court ordered shrinks are mostly full of crap. For years I never made a plan of any kind. Whatever happened, happened. It was live from moment to moment and hunt the ever increasing need for adrenaline.
I was the kid your mother told you to stay away from. I had no friends, still don't, and didn't need any. I was always accused of being a ringleader or the leader and I never was. I was on my own path and if people followed me that was their choice and I didn't care. I did what I wanted, when I wanted and where I wanted and defied anyone to stop me. Despite that I was never a leader, I was just out in front. The rest followed like sheep and I seldom noticed.
Leadership implies caring about your followers and no one in authority ever got it that I didn't give a damn about anyone behind me. I ran around with an older crowd because the kids my age seemed so childish yet they almost always followed along behind me. Even the older guys I hung around with.
Y'all won't believe this but I was the first kid in town to wear blue jeans and I was the first kid in town to wear boots all the time. Back then wearing jeansmenat you were a bad person or a troublemaker or juvenile delinquent. Everyone wore slacks or khaki pants and no one wore jeans, but me. Heh, two years later every kid in town was wearing jeans. Believe it or not I started wearing them because back then you could get Levi's 3 pairs for 5 bucks. I had to buy my own clothes so I bought cheap, not popular. Funny, now slacks are cheaper than Levi's are.
The one thing I always had was plenty of girlfriends tho. Still do when I want to have. At this moment I'm not particularly interested in anyone but one girl and she isn't interested in me. Oh, forgot, broke up with the Milwaukee chick a couple of weeks ago. Didn't even care when it happened. I just got tired of her I guess.
Just like I'm tired of life. I might as well have written the next day in my life as remembering this stuff is as depressing as what I don't want to talk about or even remember. That's life, no matter how depressing it is or how bad it gets. Unfortunately, at least in my point of view, I'll get thru this too as I'm to damn stubborn to just freaking give up without a fight. Lol, even more depressing is when I get thru this it will just happen again as it has in the past. Now there's a lovely future.
I've prety much been a thrill seeker all my life and I never ever was worried about what might happen. I was the first in my crowd to hop a moving train, I was the first to climb the water tower, I was the first to smoke and the first to get drunk. The more of an adrenaline rush I could get the happier I was.
I raced cars for two years at small tracks and actually got bored with it. I've been shot, stabbed and cut because of my huge need for the adrenaline rush. I spent a lot of time in places most people wouldn't go into voluntarily. Actually I was still doing that until last month when someone asked me to stop.
She argued with me for hours about driving thru the worst areas of Milwaukee to get to my girlfriends place which isn't in a very good area anyway but it's not the worst. I went into a house, in the worst area of the hood, with my girlfriend, 10 guys, 3 chicks and me. Oh I forget to mention my girlfriend is a black chick and I'm an old white guy. It was quite interesting but no adrenaline rush.
Anyway M finally asked me what I was trying to prove or who I was trying to prove it to. I did it because I was looking for a rush, to prove to myself that I still had the nads to do it and because I didn't give a damn if anything happened. No adrenaline rush driving thru the "hood" at 1:20 in the morning either. It's no shorter to go that way nor is it longer, it's just one way to get to her house from where I stay. So now I take the safer way 4 out of 5 times. Made my girlfriend happier too.
Wow, imagine this, I developed an alcohol problem. Sheesh, I wonder how that happened. Most people ended up in treatment back in 1980 for 30-60 days. I was there for nine freaking months before they finally let me out. Naturally I had a drink with my steak at the first steakhouse I came to the day they let me out.
A shrink told me once I was the kind of person who jumped off cliffs without a parchute because I had the confidence I'd be able to build one on the way down. Another shrink told me I was born about 150 years to late. Court ordered shrinks are mostly full of crap. For years I never made a plan of any kind. Whatever happened, happened. It was live from moment to moment and hunt the ever increasing need for adrenaline.
I was the kid your mother told you to stay away from. I had no friends, still don't, and didn't need any. I was always accused of being a ringleader or the leader and I never was. I was on my own path and if people followed me that was their choice and I didn't care. I did what I wanted, when I wanted and where I wanted and defied anyone to stop me. Despite that I was never a leader, I was just out in front. The rest followed like sheep and I seldom noticed.
Leadership implies caring about your followers and no one in authority ever got it that I didn't give a damn about anyone behind me. I ran around with an older crowd because the kids my age seemed so childish yet they almost always followed along behind me. Even the older guys I hung around with.
Y'all won't believe this but I was the first kid in town to wear blue jeans and I was the first kid in town to wear boots all the time. Back then wearing jeansmenat you were a bad person or a troublemaker or juvenile delinquent. Everyone wore slacks or khaki pants and no one wore jeans, but me. Heh, two years later every kid in town was wearing jeans. Believe it or not I started wearing them because back then you could get Levi's 3 pairs for 5 bucks. I had to buy my own clothes so I bought cheap, not popular. Funny, now slacks are cheaper than Levi's are.
The one thing I always had was plenty of girlfriends tho. Still do when I want to have. At this moment I'm not particularly interested in anyone but one girl and she isn't interested in me. Oh, forgot, broke up with the Milwaukee chick a couple of weeks ago. Didn't even care when it happened. I just got tired of her I guess.
Just like I'm tired of life. I might as well have written the next day in my life as remembering this stuff is as depressing as what I don't want to talk about or even remember. That's life, no matter how depressing it is or how bad it gets. Unfortunately, at least in my point of view, I'll get thru this too as I'm to damn stubborn to just freaking give up without a fight. Lol, even more depressing is when I get thru this it will just happen again as it has in the past. Now there's a lovely future.
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