Trust, nice people, abandonment and liking others

Yep, I'm getting sidetracked again but then I doubt anyone reads this stuff anyway so it doesn't much matter. So what's my problem today?

I still don't know how to deal with genuinely nice people who care and aren't related to me. T and her husband K are so nice to me. They told me tonight I'm almost like family to them. They also told me tonight I'm the only one they trust with baby T.

Damn, I don't even know how to explain what bugs me about it. It's not that they trust me that bothers me. Lots of people trust me and I expect that. I'm very trustworthy until you screw me over and then I can be your worst nightmare.

I trust myself totally, unless I go to Vegas. Then no matter how many lies I tell myself I know I'm going to party like it's the end of the world at least one or two nights, do stupid shit and be a total asshole. So as much as I love Vegas I don't go there often anymore because I know I can't trust myself there.

It's not the responsibility they give me with baby T either. I can deal with that even tho she is a bit hard for me to keep up with. She still can't talk but she can make herself understood and she understands a lot of things. It's funny because I'm strong willed and so is she. She throws tantrums and I laugh.

Tonight T, K and I were sitting on the couch and baby crawled up on her dads lap and touched his face, then she touched moms face and then she touched mine. Did it 3 times in a row and melted my heart. Baby treats me just like I'm one of her parents. She falls asleep sitting on my lap. When I leave she throws a real fit so now we worked out a strategy so I leave when she's in back. Still throws a fit but not near as bad as if she can see me leaving. I imagine when she can finally talk real words that I can understand I'm gonna get an earful.

I'm just kind of wandering around the country and hadn't planned on staying here this long except for Mama T and baby T I'd be gone. Now I expect I'll be here at least another month. When I left for a week a month ago she would look at my room and point and make the I want, motion and then cry when I didn't show up. Not sure I can leave that, at least not yet.

I know when I do leave I'm really going to miss her and her mom and dad. I may never know what bugs me about them liking me. Maybe it's just the fact they do like me. I do know I don't know how to deal with it very well.

Probably low self esteem. I'm working on that and I'm not really sure that's the problem. Most of the time I like me, not always but usually that happens when I break my own rules. I don't know what the problem is I just know it bugs the hell out of me to feel this way. It's not depression doing it either.

Could be that the sad fact is I just never learned how to deal with people who are truly nice and it makes me uncomfortable. I keep looking for motives and reason and excuses and there are none. They just like me for me. Funny, that's what I always wanted and now that I have it I don't know how to deal with it.

I'll deal with it but I do wish there were classes that would help me learn to deal with it faster. I've got an old GF who calls now and then and makes noises about us being together. She finally told me her problem and it explained everything about her instantly. She's got some severe abandonment issues but I didn't know why. Now I do. Lol, I know I have almost as many issues on the same subject as she does. Maybe that's what's freaking me out about them liking me. I'm afraid they'll stop.

A great day today and I feel really good.

I talked with T this morning and she brought the baby out because I hadn't seen her for a few days. Baby T is now 16 months and can almost say my name. It's so cool.

T was in back and I was watching the baby when her husband K came in. He played with baby for a minute and then asked me to watch her as he had to go back to work. Then her mom asked me a bit later if I'd mind keeping her busy while she got her bookkeeping done.

Now this is harder than it sounds because baby T is very spoiled and has quite the temper and tends to scream and cry a lot when she doesn't get her way. I spoil her too so it's not like it's something I didn't know. Her mom and I have discussed it and we both agreed it was getting out of hand and I've only known her for 5-6 weeks and she's worse.

When baby T gets mad at me she goes and stands by the door to the private quarters and stands there and screams. Usually her mom will come and let her in but she knows it's not a good thing because the baby just gets mom to pick her up so she'll be quiet. When she gets mad at mom she'll do the same thing to me.

I'm watching her and moms working and baby T decides she wants to throw dry cheerios all over so I took them away and naturally she had a fit. Mom didn't come to her aid and I let her scream and cry for a bit before I went and got her. She came back and sat by me and we talked for a bit. I have no clue what she was saying but I understood the tone. Every guy understands that tone in a female. She was letting me know she wasn't happy.

Then she decided she wanted to go outside. I picked her up so she could see better but she kept making a motion with her hand that means she wants something. She might not be able to make me understand her words yet but she does make me understand somethings. Her mom was back behind the counter so I told her baby and I were going out to see what her dad was doing.

I put her on my shoulders and she started giggling and off we went to explore the outside world together. She loved it and we went and found dad and he held he for a minute and then back on my shoulders. We walked around the whole area like that and everyone talked to her and she would babble back. She loved it and I thought it was the greatest thing. Then she got heavy so we went back inside. We'd been out for about 30 minutes.

She had a tantrum when I put her down inside and kept trying to force the door open. It was funny because she was really mad and frustrated because she couldn't get out. I tryed to distract her with toys and she threw them all on the floor. Finally got her to sit on the couch quietly and then she wanted the toys and wanted me to get them. I wouldn't so she had another bout. I laughed at her and told her I dealt with a woman 6 foot tall who threw tantrums too so she wasn't impressing me at 30 inches or so of fury.

When she got quiet again I put her back on my shoulders and we went back out for another walk. This time she got to say where she wanted to go and would indicate it to me with her hand motion. So we went and she was perfectly content, sitting on my shoulders quietly talking and ooing amd ahing over everything.

She'd indicate she wanted to go see someone and I'd walk over and she'd talk at them for a minute and then indicate she wanted to go somewhere else. She was fascinated by the butterflies and we followed them for a bit. Then she saw a pine cone so I stooped and picked it up and gave it to her. She examined it for a few minutes and was telling me about it. Then she dropped it and I had to pick it up. Not easy for me with her on my shoulders and it happened twice more so I got tired and we went back in.

Mom was working but about done so I sat her on the counter and she was playing with some paper and a pencil when she decided she wanted to play with the calculator mom was using and I wouldn't let her. She got mad and threw everything on the floor and I just let her get mad. She got over it and indicated she wanted the paper and pen from the floor so I put her down to get it. Oops, another fit.

She then went over by the door and started screaming and crying and m0m and I were laughing. After we had both ignored her she soon quit and came over and wrapped her little arms around me and held on. Naturally I melted and picked her up. Then she wanted the stuff on the floor again so we went thru an instant replay.

When she came back and hugged me again I told her we had to pick up her toys and I helped her with it then picked her back up and put her on the counter. Mom got her work done and as baby T was tired decided to give her some juice and put her down for a nap. I left feeling better than I have in a long time.

The sense of wonder she has and the fascination she has with everything new is just great. I really enjoy watching her learn new things and get excited over new things. It's really cool because everything is new. Her little tantrums are so funny and predictable. She definitely has a mind of her own. She's just the coolest little girl I've ever been around.

I have the feeling that baby T is going to make me regret that I never had children. I suppose I could still have a child but that kinda means that I have to be in a relationship first and I'm not nor is there anyone I'm interested in. I have the feeling that I missed out on a lot but it was my choice not to have a child.

My childhood made me not want to have kids. It took this long for me to get over it and decide I could handle it. It's not to late but it's getting there. I can't say that 60 is really a great time to think about having kids. Lol, of course my mind doesn't think it's 60 but my body knows it is.

Spending that quality time with baby T today made me feel really great and I think we'll go for a walk again tomorrow. I sure didn't have time to feel depressed playing with and being responsible for her. Best day for me this year.

How do you deal with good things or caring people?

Some very nice things happened today and I'm not used to it. In particular I'm not used to people being happy to see me or even caring about me. Just a tad bit weird at my age.

I was surprised the 14 month old even remembered me but she tried to climb the counter to get on my side so I could hold her and play with her. Even had a fit when her mother told her I was to tired to hold her.

T said she was having company and I was welcome to come over and eat with them. I probably should have said yes but I didn't. Then she had to tell me everything the baby has done for the last 8 days and how much she missed me after I left. Then I got to hear the story of mom having to drive 60 miles round trip because the cell phone I gave the baby got left in the wrong car and baby threw a fit for 2 days. Lol, typical female. Can't go without her phone.

Then her husband was nice enough to help me carry all of my stuff up to the second floor. Both of them are really great people and the baby is so spoiled. I don't help tho. Baby sits on my lap every morning and plays with me and my glasses and hat, etc. while I have coffee and talk with her mother.

None of this is particularly normal for me so I try to just be nice and polite. It's more normal for me to avoid people, chit chat and all that goes with it. Says way to much about my life that I don't know how to deal with truly nice people. As a rule I'd rather deal with kids as it's more straight forward. They haven't developed phoniness yet and are, at times, to honest or blunt.

When I was about 25 or so I lived with my cousins parents for awhile. I was pretty much a drunk at the time and in trouble most of the time. They'd gotten me a construction job and I was paying them a little bit for rent.

Naturally I was as big a srewup there as I was everywhere else. The rule was I wasn't supposed to drink while I was there. Small problem as every Saturday afternoon the crew went to the bar to have a couple of beers and get checks cashed.

I got out of it the first time but after that I went and because it was a bar and I was a drunk naturally I got drunk. I was big into self medication back then. Lol, one thing I have learned is the doctors have better drugs than alcohol.

Anyway, the next morning when I was getting ready to go to work my uncle called me into the kitchen and calmly talked to me about the rules and explained that my getting drunk wouldn't be tolerated. So I went to the bar with the crew again the next week. I suppose to test to see if he meant what he said.

So we had another talk and he told me how much him and my aunt cared about me and wanted me to do well and be well and this was my last chance. After that he started chewing my ass for almost everything. I deserved it tho as I wasn't helping around the place at all. Just fishing and working.

Then he sat me down and talked to me again about responsibility and helping out and all that normal stuff that I really knew nothing about. I finally asked him why he didn't just leave me alone and he said because he and my aunt liked me and cared about me and it was about time someone besides my grandmother had shown me some caring and concern.

They kept caring and I kept screwing up. Didn't get drunk again tho. I'd have two and leave. I used to be predictable as to how many drinks I could have and still leave the bar. Two was the limit. If I had three I'd be there all night or until I was broke, whichever came first.

Then I got hurt and messed up my vertebrae in my neck and ended up drawing Workman's comp for about 3 months. Since I couldn't work and had money I went and got drunk. My uncle threw me out when I sobered up the next day. We talked first tho and he still wanted to know why I was the way I was and didn't I realize they both cared about me.

I think my reply shocked both of us. It was simply "I don't know how to deal with people who care about me." and I really didn't.

Just like I don't know how to deal with really nice people.

Funny but the girls I go out with have the same problem and that leaves me with the same problem my uncle had with me. I know why they don't believe I care about them and I know the feeling well but I don't understand it in them. I also know they keep doing some of the things they do just to test to see if I will still care about them. Bad part is, I do still care but if I let them get away with it then it just gets worse.

At least I know how to deal with them. Nice or caring people confuse me.