Cherie finally gets herself naked and I get adrenaline

Cherie was teasing us a lot with glimpses of her cotton bra and panties. Her petticoats were very sexy as I said before.

She had pulled her sweater up so we could see her soft flat stomach. You have to remember, this was a big deal back then. Women and girls just didn't show their bodies like the do now. Way back then just to get a glimpse of panties was a rarity let alone seeing any skin.

Then she took off her skirt and laid it on a clean spot on the ground. While she's doing this she's giggling and laughing and teasing us about what we are going to see. All we want her to do is hurry up. Lol, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if she became a stripper or exotic dancer a few years later.

She had us so hot and horny we could hardly wait. Us guys were all dancing around like we had ants in our pants. We kept telling her to hurry up and she just laughed at us. She wasn't worried about getting caught but we were and we didn't want that to happen until after we'd seen her naked.

She removed all or her petticoats except the final one and the she pulled off her sweater. Next she pulled her panties down but we still couldn't see anything because she still had the damn petticoat thing on. Sheesh, she was making it take forever. Just realized where it came from but I still love to be teased, like that, by women.

I can watch them sit around or walk around in their panties and bra's for hours. Had a girlfriend who used to take forever to do her hair and makeup and I'd lay in bed and just watch her. She usually wore a thong and no bra and watching her body move was a great turn on.

Cherie finally took her bra off and we were in rapture. Her breasts were the most beautiful things I'd ever seen. She asked if we wanted to touch them and naturally we all said yes.

They were so soft, warm and silky I couldn't believe it. Her nipples were poking out and were very hard. Lol, bet they weren't as hard as us boys were tho. We touched them for a couple of minutes and then started telling her to take the last petticoat off.

She did and once again it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. She was standing there naked and she slowly turned so we could see her from all sides. She let us touch here anywhere we wanted and boy did we touch her. All over.

I was more interested in her breasts and her butt than I was in her crotch. I held her from behind and cupped her lovely warm breasts in my hands. Damn that felt good. My hips were moving back and forth all on their own. Lol, I had no idea what I was doing but I was enjoying it to the max.

After about 10 minutes she told us she had to get dressed and go. We didn't want her to leave but she said she had to get home. While she was getting dressed the other three guys climbed out and I stayed down in the window well with her.

She told me if I wanted to have even more fun she would meet me that night. Naturally I said yes. I was in for an even bigger surprise when I met her that night.

I had so much adrenaline going at this point I was shaking like a leaf in a strong wind. Damn I loved the way it felt and the way her soft skin felt. I wanted more, more, more.

One thing more terrifying than having something bad happen

I just finished a book called Fire by Sebastian Junger. Good book and somewhat enlightening but one chapter in particular I found interesting. Yep, it's been out awhile but it's never been at the dollar store for a buck before. It's worth more than I paid for it and it's a hardcover book I'll keep for awhile.

It's got a chapter in in called Colter's Way and it's about John Colter who was a mountain man, trapper and a hunter for the Lewis and Clark expedition.

It goes on to tell about his going trapping in the Blackfeet Native American territory in Montana. How he got shot while there and went back to recuperate and as soon as he was well he went back with a partner.

More problems with the Blackfeet and he was lucky to escape with his life. Once again he went back and yet again had problems with the Blackfeet and a few men were killed at a new fort.

Finally he decided he had enough of living in the wild and headed back to the East. Got married and then died two years later. What the wild country and the Native Americans couldn't do, civilization did.

According to the book evidently the danger of being in the wild was what he thrived on. It was how he tested himself. Danger just for the sake of seeing if one can survive.

I doubt many of you have been shot at but being shot at and missed is the most exhilarating feeling in the world. Heh, so is throwing a car into a 30 mph curve at 75. So is continually driving thru the most violence prone areas of Milwaukee at 1:30 AM.

Different times and mostly different dangers but the mindset is the same. Am I good enough to survive even if everything is not in my control. Totally and absolutely dependent on ones self for ones survival. In the position where things are happening so fast yet to your mind it seems like it takes forever.

Where one little bit of unfocused attention will get you dead quick. Most of you will never experience that and I don't know whether to be glad for you or sad for you. It makes you feel truly alive and that shouldn't be missed but it's also damn foolishness.

OTOH I've been involved in a lot of damn foolishness in my life and still am occasionally. Can't seem to go for to long a time without that adrenaline rush. I have no doubt about my ability to win or control every situation I get into. Heh, I'm sure some day it will get me killed but I'm also sure that if or when it happens I'll be dying happy and full of adrenaline.

I'm going to end this with a long quote from the book that will explain it all better than I ever could. MOF it kinda reminds me of a child seeking attention. If they can't get positive attention for doing good things they'll do some bad things because even negative attention is better than no attention at all.

Funny but a 23 month old reminded me of that the other day. I wasn't paying attention to her at all nor was she successful at getting my attention in a nice way. So she went right to something she knew would get her in trouble. Then she got some attention. Now I try to give her positive attention every time I see her, daily.

Here's the quote.

"None of these men had become trappers against his will; to one degree or another they'd all volunteered for the job. However rough it was, it must gave looked better than the alternative which was-in one form or another-an uneventful life passed in society's embrace. For people like Colter, the one thing more terrifying than having something bad happen must have been to have nothing happen at all."

I can relate to that in a big way. I learned something about myself reading that and it explains totally why I kept, and still keep, putting myself in situations where something bad is pretty sure to happen. Sheesh, I go out of my way to do it.

I'm old enough to know it's foolish and, evidently, to bored to care. Better something bad than nothing at all.

Simple.

Drugs for my depression and for ADD.

I was talking to a lady yesterday who was telling me she was on drugs for depression. So we started comparing the depression drugs we had both taken.

It was quite a list between the two of us. Personally the only drug I've found that really works for me for anything at all is Xanax. The two no drug things that seem to work best are just laying in the sun for an hour a day and getting massages. She hasn't tried those yet but is going to.

Another thing that seems to work, at least for me, is getting outside of myself and helping others with their problems. Spending time with baby T and watching her amazement at life in general is a big help. We pretty much walk the same route everyday yet she, being so little, finds something new that amazes her, everyday.

She accomplishes new things on a daily basis and nothing is beyond her curiosity. She's teaching me to look at and see things differently.

I tried the newest drug for add a few years ago. Don't even remember the name of it but it's non addictive. I didn't like it and what it did to me and the it made me feel. I've also tried Ritalin and it was much more effective. Of course the prescription wasn't legal as I got it from overseas but it seemed to work better than anything else.

I've been told I think to much, for most of my life. I can multi task better than anyone I know. If I only have one thing to do I can barely accomplish it but if I have 5 things to do I can accomplish them all. IOW I learned to use my ADD to my advantage.

Xanax does a wonderful job for me for getting my brain to shut off so I can sleep. It's supposedly used to treat anxiety disorders but I don't have any anxiety about much of anything. Except being able to fall asleep at night. For that it's just flat out amazing.

It's almost like flipping a switch. My thoughts stop racing and my brain slows down to less than a crawl. Now my brain isn't racing about problems or anything like that. It just keeps having new idea after new idea and follows them to figure out all the angles to see if they will work or not.

I've tried bio feedback and meditation and neither has worked very well, at least not for me. Altho the meditation might work better if I took some Xanax before I started it. It's just damn difficult for me to focus on anything.

However there is one exception to the lack of focus. There's also one thing that can always relieve my anger and frustration. However it's not a great or recommended solution. Putting myself in dangerous situations sharpens my focus a ton.

When I still had my restored El Camino with it's 500 HP engine I used to go out and drive the hell out of it. I lived in the boonies and had a few roads I could drive on that had little or no traffic. They also had some nice curves. Nothing cause focus like throwing a car into a 40 mph curve at 90 mph.

Nothing like the possibility of dying to focus the mind. One little lapse and it's all over. Big wreck at best and dead at worst. Being shot at has the same effect. It sharpens your focus a ton. Now if I could just focus that much when I'm not in danger I'd be a trillionaire.

Point of all of this is that when I was a kid all of the stealing and things I did were adrenaline filled moments. If I was depressed as a kid the adrenaline I got from all the stupid crap I did made me feel great.

The problem with adrenaline is it is addictive and you also need more and more of it to accomplish the same thing.

Maybe it's why I stopped stealing about 5-7 years later on in my life. No more adrenaline rush from it. If I ever find the person or persons who stole my El Camino I'm going to have a nice adrenaline rush tho. No law enforcement personnel will be necessary.

More lying, cheating and stealing

As I said before I got sidetracked. I found out the schedule of the guy running the paper office and knew how much time I had to explore to find the money and figure out how to steal what I wanted.

The whole thing was going to be entirely blind and if anyone at all came in while I was doing it I was going to be busted. The office was set up with an L shaped counter with a piece that flipped up so you could get behind the counter. There was also a locked gate under the flipup top.

No problem there as I could just climb over the counter. That part was simple. So one day I did and I found the money drawer almost immediately. Only 4 drawers behind the counter and a few doors to store junk under the counter.

Considering only one of the drawers was locked it wsn't to tough to figure out where the money was. How to get at it was the problem. That was the part I hadn't been told. Because I only had less than a minute to do my thing it took me a few trys to figure it out.

First I tried picking the lock, shaking the drawer and wiggling it around and pulling on it as hard as I could without actually breaking it. None of that worked. I came quite close to getting caught behind the counter a couple of times and that was a major rush.

Conditions were seldom right for me to risk it so it took a couple of weeks. Turns out it was fairly simple in the end. What I had to do was open the door underneath the drawer and then slide my hand up, bend it over and I could get my hand on whatever was in the drawer.

A piece about an inch high had been broken off one side of the drawer and that left enough space to get my hand in. Had a total of about 3 inches of room to work with but I had small hands and wrists so it was okay.

The first time I just felt around to see what I could feel. Bank money bags was all. So then I started positioning myself so I could see what was actually in the drawer and what the manager was pulling out. He seldom got in the drawer while any of us were around so that took another couple of weeks.

I forget what day we were supposed to pay our paper bills at the office but I knew that's when there would be the most money. No brainer there. So when I finally decided to steal some I knew when, where and how.

The bus depot had pretty well dried up as that manager was taking more and keeping more of his precautions and the amount of cash found in open cars was never that much. Plenty of cigarettes, booze and other junk but mostly just loose change here and there.

So I finally hit the drawer. I crawled under the counter, reached up and felt around for the bag with the money in it, go it out and opened. Lol, my hands were shaking from the adrenaline but I managed it anyway and took ten bucks.

Didn't want to be greedy as I didn't want to lose the opportunity to steal from there on an ongoing basis. Seemed hilarious to me that I was stealing money from the paper office to pay my paper bill.

That happened on an ongoing basis for quite a long time and I never got caught. Seems the money was never missed either. I was always paying attention and listening to the talk and never, ever heard a word about it.

While I never got caught, I eventually did get implicated but that's another story. Did I know he things I was doing were wrong? Certainly did, problem was I didn't care. Lying to my parents, cheating at gambling and pinball and stealing were all wrong and I knew it every time.

It just didn't matter and I had no fear of the consequences.

Stealing, gambling, an adrenaline rush and not depressed

You've probably figured out that I loved to gamble. Considering I've told you I hustled pool, bowling, pinball and everything else I was great at. Even chess for drinks later on in life. Cards, pitching quarters, anything. As long as could gamble on it I would.

Almost always won. Stealing money and shoplifting gave me the same rush gambling did. Probably even more as the penalty for getting caught was going to be a lot more severe than losing a little money.

I watched the mangers office at the bus depot for another chance and sure enough it came along. So I snuck into the office again and went thru everything making sure I'd missed nothing before.

After I made sure I went and checked the filing cabinet. EUREKA. The filing cabinet drawers were filled with money. Pennies in one drawer, nickles in another all the way up to 100 dollar bills in the bottom drawer.

Now I had one hell of a dilemma. What did I dare take and how much? All that money for the taking freaked me out but I was smart enough to know that stealing a small amount was going to be a test to see if anyone noticed.

If I'd stolen a large amount it would have been noticed right away and with a possibility I might get caught. Obviously, to me anyway, I'd be both a prime suspect and questioned as a witness as to whether I saw anyone going in or out of the office.

So I played it smart. I took a roll of dimes, quarters and half dollars. Just taking one roll from each drawer could have been excused as a miscount of the money.

It was. I watched that place for a couple of weeks and never heard a peep about the missing money. Next time I needed to pay my paper bill I stole a bank bundle of ones from the filing cabinet.

I hated that paper route and I hated collecting. Some people were always bitchy about paying their bill. Besides, by stealing the money to pay my paper bill it was like I had money in the bank because people owed me for their papers.

I never collected from anyone for a few weeks and then someone called in and bitched I hadn't been by to collect. So I got chewed up for not keeping up on my collections. Lol, you'd think people would have been happy not to have to pay their bill. You can tell that was a long time ago. Doubt it would happen now.

I never heard anything about stealing the ones either so once I took a pack of fives and a pack of tens. Funny but that got by too. Don't know why it did or what the bus depot owner was into but never heard a word about that either.

No traps were ever set to catch me nor was I watched anymore than usual. Nor was the office locked anymore often than it ever was. So I was getting away with it. Continued to for quite a long time. I also discovered that stealing twenty dollar bills had a problem I never considered. I had to much to figure out to be depressed.

Big time thief but no depression, just adrenaline

I mentioned earlier that I loved to play pinball machines. Yeh, back in the day I was a gamer. Still am but I got old and reflexes got slow. I had one of the first Nintendo games to come out. I played almost 24 hours a day when I first got it. Even took a day off work to play. Got a severe case of Nintendo thumb.

I bought a X-box a couple of years ago because I got tired of my two younger cousins kicking my ass at golf. I did get good enough to win my share but golf is the only game I did get good at. I love NASCAR racing but I'm to shaky to play well. Lol, can qualify 1st and after a few laps I'm in dead last. Only place I win consistently is Daytona and Dega.

Pinball machines was all there was back then. That and the bowling machines with the thing like a hockey puck to slide down. I was a pro at that too.

I used to play at the bus depot frequently. The pinball machines were back out of sight so I could cheat until I learned to beat the new games. I'd get it up to 20 free games or so and then quit cheating so I could learn to beat it fairly.

Pinball machines suck now compared to the old days. 1 game, 5 balls for a nickle. 6 games for a quarter. Another thing I loved was shooting games. I was a pro at them too. Didn't matter, pistol or rifle, I kicked ass.

Bet you can't guess where I learned to get good at all of those things can you. Naturally, in the bars. I won so much stuff playing the bowling game that when the bar would get new stuff I'd play until I got the stuff I wanted. Yes, you could get free games on them too.

Best thing I ever won on the bowling was a complete picnic set with everything you needed and a big wicker basket it all fit in. Lol, yes the had had good prizes back then and even Cracker Jacks had decent stuff in them instead of the crap you get now.

Point is I was very good at all bar games so no one thought much of it when I'd play for hours at a time.

I was playing at the bus depot one day when the owner walked back into his office, Opened a drawer and shut it and came out with 3 rolls of 50 cent pieces. Lol, yes, they had half dollars back then.

The place was pretty busy so I filed that piece of information away for another day, or night. Yep, I made a killing there.

Now I understand I did some things for the adrenaline rush

When I was a kid I didn't understand about the adrenaline rush I got from some of the stupid things I did. When I would shoplift something it wasn't always something I needed. Most of the time it was but not always.

Lol, one year I made it a goal to shoplift all of my xmas presents for my mother, sister and stepfather. I paid for my grandmothers gift. I shoplifted mostly to see if I could get away with it and for the rush I got out of it.

Money was for things you couldn't steal easily or shoplift. Pinball machines, pizza and bowling for the most part. Pool when I could find a place to let me play. Made money on everything but pizza.

For the most part I'd have rather stolen money tho. Shoplifting was a way to save money on things I wanted but it got to be to easy and the adrenalin rush got to be less and less.

Funny, I never thought about taking the stuff I stole back to the store to get my money back. Not even once. Nor did I bother to steal clothes as it was just to easy. In Fairmont I was pretty much a one kid crime wave.

Used to drive the cop, Joe Sutton, crazy. He knew I was stealing everything I could get my hands on but he could never catch me. Heh, I never even worried about him. I was a little kid, what was he going to do, throw me in jail. I'd have been glad of that as it would have been better than home.

Lol, you may think not but having been there more than a few times I now know for a fact it would have been better than home. I hung around in kind of disreputable places even as a kid. Bowling alleys, bus depots, bars and almost always with bigger and older kids.

I'm still way more comfortable in a bar than I am anywhere else. I seldom go to them anymore but I'm still very comfortable when I do.

Anyway, I finally found a couple of places I could steal money from on a regular basis and not get caught. Stole way more than I could spend so I buried a lot of it. 50 years later I imagine most of it is still buried or rotted away. Probably rotted away as paper money tends to rot quickly.

I got a huge adrenaline rush from it.

How do you know if you are happy?

What is happiness? How does it feel? This is just another emotion I have no clue about. People tell me I am not a happy person so I'll always ask them how do you be a happy person? What does it take to have feelings of happiness? How does it feel? No one has yet given me an adequate explanation.

I've had a few girlfriends who I thought made me happy but the truth is what they did was just lessen the mental pain I have always felt. Seldom has anyone made me totally forget the mental pain. The only thing that's ever done that is adrenaline. The more of an adrenaline rush I can get the better I feel.

However adrenaline gets harder and harder to come by. Example of this is I was driving west on Interstate 90 in South Dakota. It was raining lightly, below freezing and the wind was from my right at around 45 mph. Lol, I was doing the usual 79 mph, smoking a cigarette and driving one handed as always.

All of a sudden I hit a slick spot and my car started sliding sideways. I corrected for the slide, calmly reached down and put my cigarette in the ashtray, meanwhile the car starts sliding in the opposite direction and the wind is pushing me toward the south shoulder of the interstate. Still steering with one hand I finally got the cigarette in the ashtray and got the car straightened out at the same time. Didn't even bother to take the cruise control off.

About another mile down the road it happened again and this time I got completely sideways but was able to control it again with no real problem. I even considered slowing down but hey, it was a couple of freak things so I didn't care. Then it happened again and was a little more difficult to get control off but still no big deal, to me.

No adrenaline rush from that at all but I did have a big grin on my face. Was I stupid for not slowing down? Certainly. Did I put anyone else in danger? Nope traffic was pretty sparse due to the freezing rain. Did it make me happy? Nope, not a bit.

Is happiness just a lack of bad feelings? Is it as simple as not being depressed? Just what the hell is happiness and how do you get it? I have a warm/cool place to live, I get enough to eat and have enough to support myself for a long time, I have a decent car and plenty of clothes etc. People tell me I should be very happy for what I have but it's just stuff.

For sure it beats the hell out of being homeless and hungry and I'm grateful for that but it doesn't seem to make me a happy person. I truly want to be a happy person but there don't seem to be any guide books on how to be happy.

I'm seldom in a truly bad mood but at best my moods mostly stop at neutral. Helping others with their life problems or stopping them from being abused makes me feel good for a bit but it doesn't last long and I don't have a clue if that's happy or not. I can only think of one time that I had great feelings and a big grin for hours but that was due to making 300 bucks on the net while I was taking a nap for an hour and a half. It was my first good day on the net and it felt great. People tell me that's how I should feel all the time.

Money doesn't buy happiness. Having things doesn't make me happy. I've had more things than most people ever will. New boats, cars, houses, hell I had a 7 bedroom, 3 bathroom on 2 acres at a very good fishing lake, four wheelers, motorcycles and all new furniture with all of the trimmings. Still didn't make me happy. It's just stuff. Doesn't matter to me if I drive a brand new suburban or an old pickup truck as long as it's reliable and gets me where I want to go.

Same with houses, apts, etc. As long as it keeps me warm or cool, dry and comfortable I don't care if it's a penthouse or a cheap motel room. Stuff doesn't have any meaning for me as long as it does the job I need it to do.

So how do you get to be happy? I really wish someone would answer that for me with something that works. I'd really like to know how to be happy and have weeks or months that are happy. Is happiness something you can learn, is it an absence of bad feelings. Just what is happiness? Someone explain it to me, please.

The need for adrenaline and depression

I need to take a break from writing about my childhood. It's to damn depressing. ;) For most of my life, at least since I coould read and I could read at 5, I've been reading books about what makes me the way I am, how did I get this eay and every self help book you can imagine. Plus psychology books and books about social problems.

I've prety much been a thrill seeker all my life and I never ever was worried about what might happen. I was the first in my crowd to hop a moving train, I was the first to climb the water tower, I was the first to smoke and the first to get drunk. The more of an adrenaline rush I could get the happier I was.

I raced cars for two years at small tracks and actually got bored with it. I've been shot, stabbed and cut because of my huge need for the adrenaline rush. I spent a lot of time in places most people wouldn't go into voluntarily. Actually I was still doing that until last month when someone asked me to stop.

She argued with me for hours about driving thru the worst areas of Milwaukee to get to my girlfriends place which isn't in a very good area anyway but it's not the worst. I went into a house, in the worst area of the hood, with my girlfriend, 10 guys, 3 chicks and me. Oh I forget to mention my girlfriend is a black chick and I'm an old white guy. It was quite interesting but no adrenaline rush.

Anyway M finally asked me what I was trying to prove or who I was trying to prove it to. I did it because I was looking for a rush, to prove to myself that I still had the nads to do it and because I didn't give a damn if anything happened. No adrenaline rush driving thru the "hood" at 1:20 in the morning either. It's no shorter to go that way nor is it longer, it's just one way to get to her house from where I stay. So now I take the safer way 4 out of 5 times. Made my girlfriend happier too.

Wow, imagine this, I developed an alcohol problem. Sheesh, I wonder how that happened. Most people ended up in treatment back in 1980 for 30-60 days. I was there for nine freaking months before they finally let me out. Naturally I had a drink with my steak at the first steakhouse I came to the day they let me out.

A shrink told me once I was the kind of person who jumped off cliffs without a parchute because I had the confidence I'd be able to build one on the way down. Another shrink told me I was born about 150 years to late. Court ordered shrinks are mostly full of crap. For years I never made a plan of any kind. Whatever happened, happened. It was live from moment to moment and hunt the ever increasing need for adrenaline.

I was the kid your mother told you to stay away from. I had no friends, still don't, and didn't need any. I was always accused of being a ringleader or the leader and I never was. I was on my own path and if people followed me that was their choice and I didn't care. I did what I wanted, when I wanted and where I wanted and defied anyone to stop me. Despite that I was never a leader, I was just out in front. The rest followed like sheep and I seldom noticed.

Leadership implies caring about your followers and no one in authority ever got it that I didn't give a damn about anyone behind me. I ran around with an older crowd because the kids my age seemed so childish yet they almost always followed along behind me. Even the older guys I hung around with.

Y'all won't believe this but I was the first kid in town to wear blue jeans and I was the first kid in town to wear boots all the time. Back then wearing jeansmenat you were a bad person or a troublemaker or juvenile delinquent. Everyone wore slacks or khaki pants and no one wore jeans, but me. Heh, two years later every kid in town was wearing jeans. Believe it or not I started wearing them because back then you could get Levi's 3 pairs for 5 bucks. I had to buy my own clothes so I bought cheap, not popular. Funny, now slacks are cheaper than Levi's are.

The one thing I always had was plenty of girlfriends tho. Still do when I want to have. At this moment I'm not particularly interested in anyone but one girl and she isn't interested in me. Oh, forgot, broke up with the Milwaukee chick a couple of weeks ago. Didn't even care when it happened. I just got tired of her I guess.

Just like I'm tired of life. I might as well have written the next day in my life as remembering this stuff is as depressing as what I don't want to talk about or even remember. That's life, no matter how depressing it is or how bad it gets. Unfortunately, at least in my point of view, I'll get thru this too as I'm to damn stubborn to just freaking give up without a fight. Lol, even more depressing is when I get thru this it will just happen again as it has in the past. Now there's a lovely future.