Depression, Anger and Girlfriends

I don't know if it's depression but my girlfriends made me very angry. At least this time I finally got to the end of why it makes me angry. Once again, it's one of those things I think I should have figured out years ago.

We get along pretty good as a couple despite the problems she has and our other differences. We decided to move in together last Sept for money saving reasons. We'd know and liked each other since March 2007. Two of her grandchildren live with us so it was kind of a shock to my system as I much prefer to be alone.

Gradually we fell in love and most of the time I know she loves me. There are a few things that will turn that knowing off almost instantly. She takes good care of me, cooks for me, washes clothes for me and keeps the house looking nice. Lol, she even irons my pants and my pullover knit shits.

When we first met she was a yeller. She yelled at everyone about everything they did wrong. She yelled at me once and we had a three day fight during which I left and wouldn't answer my phone. I won't tolerate being yelled at as it reminds me of my mother and I also think it's very childish and out of control.

I don't like noise and her grandchildren were quite loud and so was she. Banging cupboard doors, slamming doors, dishes and anything else that can make loud noise. We talked that one out and she stopped it.

The other day she called me at 12:50 PM and said she was at her brothers after work and that she had called for her ride and would be home in 30-40 minutes. When 1:30 PM came and she wasn't home I decided to take a nap. At 3:40 the phone rang and woke me up but they hung up before I answered. Didn't recognize the number.

Now I'm really pissed because she isn't home and hasn't called. IMO she should have called at 1:30 when she KNEW she wasn't going to be home when she said. However when her granddaughter got home from school she called. Then she wanted to know if I wanted anything from Subway. My reply. NO!

I felt she was trying to buy me off because she knew she messed up and I was pissed. I was right too. She admitted it. You can't buy me. My mother used to do that and to this day it pisses me off when people try. You can't repair emotional pain by bringing me food or gifts. MOF I'm as likely to throw it in the garbage right in front of you as anything else.

Anyway, she tells me she loves me but her friends and her beer were more important to her than calling me to let me know she wasn't going to be home on time. To me that's not love, that means, to me that when I'm not around you forget about me and don't care what I feel or how worried I might be.

If you don't care about me enough to call me and let me know you are going to be late then it makes me feel like I'm being played and used rather than loved. If you don't call it makes me feel as if everything else you did was just so you could get something from me. It invalidates everything you have ever told me or shown me about loving me and makes it all a lie just to get what you want.

When she or anyone else hurts me I withdraw from them totally. I become very cold and hard hearted and do things to hurt them back. After all, if you don't care enough to call me you must not love me so I'm not going to show you I love you either. You hurt me so I'm going to hurt you back.

Leftovers from the way my mother used to treat me and the things she did. I believe in what peoples actions show and not what their words say. I learned that before I was 5.

I never followed that line of reasoning to the end before. I always told the other chicks it was just total disrespect and I wouldn't put up with it. It is and I feel you don't do that to someone you love. No more than you would cheat on someone you say you love.

Of course when you've never let your feelings exist it's hard to explain why you feel the way you do and what reasonable or unreasonable thing caused it. When everything in a relationship is invalidated it hurts to think you've been played.

Problem is now I don't know how to react to something like that. It makes me feel hurt and angry and I want to hurt back. If she doesn't love me then why shouldn't I hurt back. Actions speak louder than words. At least now I understand why it makes me so angry. I don;t know how to stop it tho.

Girls, sex and depression

Lol, I expect someone to come out of the woodwork for my glamorizing my sex escapades again. However no glamour to it, it's just what happened.

I was going to go through these girls one at a time but it's just to many in the 4 years or so I was there.

Now to be fair, I was a bad boy type. You know, the kind your mother didn't want you hanging around with and if you were a girl that was even worse.

Back then everyone wore slacks but jeans were cheap so that's what I wore. Believe it or not you could get 3 pair of Levis for 5 bucks back then. I also wore boots rather than shoes. Another thing that made you a bad person. You should also know I listened to devil music better know as rock and roll. ;) Hmm, would that be rap nowdays.

Girls were easy and I mean girls from 13 to 50. Sheesh, I slept with two of the Mayors daughters, My English teachers daughter, my guidance counselors daughter and a ton of others.

I played the part of the moody bad boy and at parties I often sat alone in the corner and watched. There'd be a constant parade of girls coming over and trying to cheer me up or get me to dance. I'd take my pick for the night.

Besides the girls I went to school with there were a ton more. LeMars is a college town and I slept with lots of college girls. Had an interesting yer after I got my first car. College girls galore and most were more advanced than me at 15 and 16.

Slept with my first Asian, Black and Native American chick in the same year. A couple of over 40 women in that same year.

They all knew what was in store when the went out with me. I was sorta cruel about it. There was so much free sex running around and available to me that if I took a girl out to park and she said no at any point I'd say okay, start up the car and take her home. Then I'd go pick up one I knew would have sex and go back out and park.

More than likely the one I had just gotten rid of would call me in a day or two and beg me to take her out again. So I did. Only a couple I had to take home twice, the rest got the hint from the first time.

Funny tho, I never slept with the town slut. Lol, every town has one and you usually know who she is by 8th or 10th grade. We were just never free at the same times. Did sleep with her shy cousin a lot tho.

All in all there were only three girls I really cared about all the time I lived there. One broke my heart, I broke ones heart and the other was mutual, we broke each others hearts.

By the time I was 18 I'd slept with over 50 different chicks and that was about 7 times the national average for all men, at the time. I still don't have a problem with picking up women and I'm a lot farther over the national average now, even tho it's risen about 250% since then.

MOF I have the picking up and dating part down pat, it's the relationship part I really suck at. Hmmm, do you suppose with all the girlfriends I was trying to replace the love I never got from my mother? Duh, that's an easy one. Depressing but easy.

I'd say that I'm still trying to replace it to this day. The need to be cuddled and held is almost overwhelming somedays. Particularly if my depression is really bad.

In some respects I was very lucky. I'd never, ever used a condom in my life until about two years ago. I only have one child and I've never had a sexually transmitted disease. Lol, had crabs once but you can get them even with a condom. Funny, got them from a upper class rich chick.

So lots of girls, even more sex and lots of angry depression. All I can say is James Dean was a wuss. ;)

Depression and School at LeMars

Sorry for the delay in adding new posts. I've been a bit under the weather but it has nothing to do with depression unless I'm so depressed my immune system is down. Been sick a lot lately with flu and colds.

Once again this is slightly out of order but it's at least the correct town.

I didn't think much of Iowa schools after having moved to so many different places in Iowa. They were way behind Minnesota and it was boring for me. They didn't have advanced classes for the above average student back then and damn few now but more than there used to be.

I'm pretty sure I was a school teachers worst nightmare. Highly intelligent but I was starting to just not care what happened at school or anywhere else. When I started school at LeMars I had an A average and when I quit I had a D average.

I slowly but surely went downhill every semester and I had become a huge discipline problem for teachers. What do you do with a kid who just doesn't care what the punishment might be and doesn't show up for the vast majority of them anyway.

They tried detention because I skipped a lot of school but detention didn't work because I just didn't show up for it. Then they decided to suspend me from school. That made me laugh. Why would you suspend someone for skipping school? Stupidity at it's finest as it's exactly what I wanted. I didn't have to go to school and I didn't get in trouble for it.

Few incidents stand out in my mind but there are a couple. One teacher got so angry at me he threw me up against the wall. Lol, I dared him to do it again because if he'd touched me again I was going to try to kill him with my hands. Yes, I was capable. OTOH he had good reason for what he did but good reason or not you as a teacher should never put your hands on a child except to protect yourself. I was no threat to him until he threw me against the wall.

I'd just missed the top of his head when I threw a humongous spit ball at another kid. It was bigger than a golf ball and smaller than a baseball. I missed the kid I was throwing at and just happened to hit the board right above his head. He was pissed to say the least.

The other teacher I remember very well was Mrs. Harker. She threw me out of her Algebra class for not being able to do the problems. Heh, I could get the answers just fine but I couldn't show on paper how I got the answers. She told me I'd never be able to do more advanced math until I could show how I got the answers.

I wasn't failing the class but she threw me out anyway. She had a preconceived notion that everything had to be done the way she wanted and I couldn't do it. I think I should have been left in the class until I couldn't get the correct answers anymore. That was not to be tho.

Bet you can't guess who the remedial math teacher was. Yep, the same one who'd thrown me against the wall. However by then he was pretty much smart enough to leave me alone. Mostly I read other books in his class. Sheesh, remedial math was so easy I could do it in my sleep.

So I hated school and I quit as soon as I could. There's more to tell about school but this is enough about it for now.

No depression, except the normal stress and anxiety

Here I was, LeMars Iowa, a young kid who turned 13 in 1960. I had one hell of a lot of fun in the 60's and some not so fun moments but mostly I love the 60's and 70's.

I was a rebel and I fit right in the era. However I didn't fit with the hippies nor did I fit with the bad asses. Funny, I still don't fit much of anywhere so like back then I mostly stay apart from named or labeled groups.

For a few years while living in LeMars I still got beatings from both parents. I still got molested by relatives and I tried, as in the past, to maintain a low profile, stay out of the house as much as possible and keep myself together.

I was the new kid in town so I had a few fights. Lol, some families seemed to have an inexhaustible supply of ever bigger brothers. I'd kick the crap out of the one my age and here'd come his bigger brother. Sheesh, it got old but I earned the respect I deserved from everyone.

Being the new kid in a small town is a lot like living in a flock of chickens. I upset the pecking order and it had to be figured out where I fit in the order. As usual it turns out I didn't fit. While I proclaim myself not to be a leader, it's for damn sure I'm not a follower. To hell with the pecking order, I did my own thing back then and I do it now.

The older brothers, who could kick my ass, soon found out the price was a bit higher than they wanted to pay and it got harder to kick my ass every time we fought. Soon they started telling their brothers my age to deal with it and leave them alone. In the end it was pretty much no one messed with me.

I did make some friends and we hung out together a lot. Just like now days, there was nothing much for kids to do so we got into trouble now and then because of sheer boredom. The group I hung out with wasn't known for good grades or anything else but being tough and trouble.

Lol, neither the girls or the guys. The girls back then were a lot calmer than they are now tho. The tempers were there but the girls were better able to control theirs. Also, the female pecking order was more socially oriented than physical or mental.

Girls fighting was almost unheard of and fun to watch because mostly they were hair pulling contests and someone might lose a top or the guys might get to see some skin. Nothing dangerous about it at all except for the hurt feelings for the loser.

Heh, I was reading a book about Abby Hoffman the other day and learned some things I didn't know but for the most part I lived the 60's experience to the hilt. I was a rebel then and I guess I'd have to say I still am.

Was I depressed while living in LeMars? Probably. The stress and anxiety of never knowing what was going to happen at home makes that pretty much a fact. However I never knew it as depression. I had a reputation with the girls as being a bit sad and quite moody but part of that was an act to get girls to pick me up.

Lol, at least I thought it was an act, now I'm not so sure. One thing I do know tho is that same act will still get chicks to pick you up today. There's always a babe that wants to take care of you and make you feel better. Hmmm, perhaps that's why I have so many problems with women.

Gasp, could it be I've been looking for a mother for all of these years? I'm sure that's the correct psychiatric answer but I'm not sure it's true. I suspect the answer is I never learned to feel the things for others that I should have learned when I was a child. I never learned that anyone could be depended on. I never learned how to make a relationship work.

In some ways I haven't changed much at all. In other ways I'm not even recognizable as the same person. My current girlfriend and lover remarked the other day that she was surprised at the fact I like to cuddle up with her on the couch and on how tender and gentle I am with her in bed.

Both were a major surprise to her because they certainly don't match the first impression people get. We've know each other for 8 months of so and just got together about a month ago. Yet she's still surprised. Lol, you don't get to know the real me until I decide to let you.

While shrinks may think one thing I suspect the bigger issue is trust.

Sex, abuse, stress and depression and beatings in Denison

Lol, another thing to add to the list of abuse, stress and depression that I'm not going to count every detail of. Sex happened a lot and unless it was something out of the ordinary, plenty of it was, I'm not going to tell you about everytime.

Of course paying Cherie a quarter for sex was cool with me. The way I look at it you pay for it one way or another. Dating and relationships cost plenty and you might get some sex and you might not. At least paying her a quarter I was guaranteed.

Another nice thing about it was there was no serious feelings involved. Just the greatness of the sex and the way it relieved all of my stress and depression.

We were in Denison for a while after Cherie and I started up. I actually looked forward to seeing her frequently and we had fun together.

Unfortunately after we moved it was quite awhile before I had actual, real sex with another girl. Lol, never ran into any that charged for it for a few years either.

As I said before, I loved the closeness of it and how it made me feel. Unfortunately it was pretty much the same feelings I got when I was molested by my uncles. That I didn't like and yet I liked the feelings.

That's the problem with child molesters. Everytime it happened to me it was a great feeling that someone cared about me. The people who molest play that angle a lot, from what I read about it, later in life.

For a long time I thought I might be gay. It was a really confusing time for me. At least Cherie made some of that go away. It definitely wasn't anything I could talk to anyone about at the time. Hell, I just started talking about it to select people a few years ago.

Another thing I never talk about much is the fact I wet the bed all my life. Didn't really stop until a couple of months after Cherie and I started doing it regularly.

Then we moved back to Sioux City for a few weeks and then to the small town of LeMars, Iowa for the next 5 years or so. LeMars is about 25 miles South of Sioux City, IA on US highway 75. Lots of interesting things happened there.

I suppose some of it was/is considered molestation but it was women and just because they were way older than I was didn't make it feel that way to me. I thought I was one of the luckiest teenagers alive when I got to have sex with those older women.

Actually I was stunned when someone told me the older women were child molesters. Just never thought of it that way and most of it I instigated or mentioned before they did. Yep, I have a double standard where guys and girls are concerned.

I suppose I shouldn't as I've never felt it from the girls side but as a guy I loved it and there wasn't a thing wrong with it. Just because they were older didn't make it bad, at least not to me.

More about LeMars and my life there in future posts.

Cures for stress and depression or my first time sex with a girl

At last something memorable that wasn't a beating or sexual abuse. Just plain old fashioned sex. I was reading an article on the MSNBC site one day and it was about marriage helping depression.

They had thought that depressed people would gain less from having a live in girlfriend or getting married. Turns out they were wrong. Getting married helped depressed people much more than it helped happier or non depressed people.

It was an interesting study because depressed people who got married scored 7 plus points lower on a depression scale than those depressed people who didn't get married. I found that highly interesting, and, like the researchers, not what I expected.

The conclusion was that marriage may provide the companionship and emotional support depressed people need, to make it somewhat better. Lol, maybe I need to get married again to get rid of all of my stress and depression.

So what does all of this have to do with what happened to me in Denison. Quite a bit actually because it's when and where I met the first girl I ever touched sexually, the first girl I ever saw naked and the first girl I ever had sex with with.

I suppose I should tell you more today but unfortunately I have some obligations to keep today so it's just going to have to wait for the next time I post. Lol, she was a great cure for depression and stress and also a great adrenaline rush except I was at risk for nothing.

Depression as a survival mechanism

I heard two different versions of depression today. Lol, I really need to learn to leave the TV off.

The first version I heard was the depression is a survival mechanism in that it lets you know when you have been doing the wrong thing or things and is your bodies way or your minds way of telling you to stop.

Well, I'd agree with that in the fact that it does make you stop. Of course it makes you stop pretty much everything else to. Sometimes so much so that you cease bothering to even do the simple things that will keep you alive, like eating.

The other version I heard that depression was natures way of weeding out the weak and the useless. Severe depression would probably do that. Hmmm, I think I like the first version better because who wants to be thought of as weak and useless.

Unfortunately, in myself, I view my depression as weakness and my stupidity at letting it get so bad as even more weakness. I believe it is a change of chemical composition in the brain, as science says. But I also believe I should be able to control it with my mind. It's weakness when I can't. For most of my life I couldn't afford to show any weakness of any kind.

I don't believe it's a weakness in others tho. Nor do I think it's anything to be ashamed of. At least not for others. I'm glad to see that they finally switched the way depression is seen and the drugs for it are advertised.

A chemical imbalance in the brain is nothing to be ashamed of. Being thought of as not being able to cope with what life throws at you is. One is not your fault, one is.

Thankfully most people haven't experienced what I have nor have they done any research to see why they are so different from other people. Lol, because they aren't different so they didn't have to.

Some where along the way I learned a lot of things about how the mind works and what it can do. There is a lot of scientific proof that your mind can make you sick and a little about the fact it can also make you well. The Placebo effect probably being the most researched.

That's the part where my own weakness comes in. I know I should be able to control it and I'm not very successful at it. Of course after I get depressed I don't usually care if I can control it or not. However I should be able to recognize the signs that it's coming on and change it before I let it get so bad.

Heh, I can screw up an electrocardiogram just by slowing down or speeding up my heart rate. Yes, just by thinking about it. I got my cholesterol down to below where it needs to be just by thinking about it. I can totally ignore small pain and in general control large pain.

I'm constantly getting told I'm bleeding if I'm working outside or wow, where did you get that big bruise from. Lol, what bleeding, what bruise? I never notice or feel it.

Larger pain is a little different and I actually have to work at it to lessen it, isolate it or be able to ignore it. When the vertebrae in my neck changes it can take me up to two weeks to get control of the intense pain.

I know another thing about depression and that is that getting away from where you are when you get depressed will help. It always helps me to change my location. It helped a lot this time.

What I don't know is whetherdepression is a weakness or a survival mechanism. I could argue either side of that one. What I do know is that depression is a PITA.

Drugs for my depression and for ADD.

I was talking to a lady yesterday who was telling me she was on drugs for depression. So we started comparing the depression drugs we had both taken.

It was quite a list between the two of us. Personally the only drug I've found that really works for me for anything at all is Xanax. The two no drug things that seem to work best are just laying in the sun for an hour a day and getting massages. She hasn't tried those yet but is going to.

Another thing that seems to work, at least for me, is getting outside of myself and helping others with their problems. Spending time with baby T and watching her amazement at life in general is a big help. We pretty much walk the same route everyday yet she, being so little, finds something new that amazes her, everyday.

She accomplishes new things on a daily basis and nothing is beyond her curiosity. She's teaching me to look at and see things differently.

I tried the newest drug for add a few years ago. Don't even remember the name of it but it's non addictive. I didn't like it and what it did to me and the it made me feel. I've also tried Ritalin and it was much more effective. Of course the prescription wasn't legal as I got it from overseas but it seemed to work better than anything else.

I've been told I think to much, for most of my life. I can multi task better than anyone I know. If I only have one thing to do I can barely accomplish it but if I have 5 things to do I can accomplish them all. IOW I learned to use my ADD to my advantage.

Xanax does a wonderful job for me for getting my brain to shut off so I can sleep. It's supposedly used to treat anxiety disorders but I don't have any anxiety about much of anything. Except being able to fall asleep at night. For that it's just flat out amazing.

It's almost like flipping a switch. My thoughts stop racing and my brain slows down to less than a crawl. Now my brain isn't racing about problems or anything like that. It just keeps having new idea after new idea and follows them to figure out all the angles to see if they will work or not.

I've tried bio feedback and meditation and neither has worked very well, at least not for me. Altho the meditation might work better if I took some Xanax before I started it. It's just damn difficult for me to focus on anything.

However there is one exception to the lack of focus. There's also one thing that can always relieve my anger and frustration. However it's not a great or recommended solution. Putting myself in dangerous situations sharpens my focus a ton.

When I still had my restored El Camino with it's 500 HP engine I used to go out and drive the hell out of it. I lived in the boonies and had a few roads I could drive on that had little or no traffic. They also had some nice curves. Nothing cause focus like throwing a car into a 40 mph curve at 90 mph.

Nothing like the possibility of dying to focus the mind. One little lapse and it's all over. Big wreck at best and dead at worst. Being shot at has the same effect. It sharpens your focus a ton. Now if I could just focus that much when I'm not in danger I'd be a trillionaire.

Point of all of this is that when I was a kid all of the stealing and things I did were adrenaline filled moments. If I was depressed as a kid the adrenaline I got from all the stupid crap I did made me feel great.

The problem with adrenaline is it is addictive and you also need more and more of it to accomplish the same thing.

Maybe it's why I stopped stealing about 5-7 years later on in my life. No more adrenaline rush from it. If I ever find the person or persons who stole my El Camino I'm going to have a nice adrenaline rush tho. No law enforcement personnel will be necessary.

Digression from depression to weirdness today

I met someone weird about a year ago, that I'd seen for a few weeks before I actually met him. He was the boyfriend of one of the girls I worked with.


This guy was walking weirdness. All you had to do is look at him and you knew he was weird. He looked normal, but weird at the same time. Lol, I wonder if people have that reaction when they meet me?

Unless I'm wearing all black, which I do frequently, I think I look fairly normal. BTW, I don't wear black to get attention. I've been wearing it all of my life. When I want or need to have some attitude I put on black. The more attitude I want the more black I'll wear.


Anyway, I look normal and fairly forgettable. I always wonder what people who approach me from the right think when they meet me. Just curiosity on my part, not caring, as when they see the solid gold 1 inch long rattlesnake hanging from my left ear I can see their mind doing flip flops and the double take most of them do is almost funny.


You should know by now, if you've read any of this since I started, that I wear the earring on purpose. It messes with peoples heads and it's fun to watch. Lol, one old boy down south, bouncer, told me when he met me he thought I was a innocent looking older guy and then I turned enough so he could see the snake and he said his next thought was "Oh shit". Cracked me up.


Anyway, the guy was walking weirdness as I said. So his girlfriend introduced us one day. I don't remember his name. Heh, don't remember hers either but could if I tried. I still remember exactly what she looks like. She went back in to go back to work.

When she left he and I started talking and it got weirder by the minute. He was explaining something that was mildly profound yet a very basic concept to me.

Evidently my boredom was showing because he finally said "You Grok?" and I replied "Lazarus Long".

From then on we understood each other perfectly. We seldom spoke in full sentences after that but in concepts. Lol, when I went back inside I told his GF he was weird and she relied that most people thought so.

I told her no, not for the reason that you think but because he understands me. That's weird. Most people don't. I understood him too and that was weird to her.

So what was it about the 4 words that lead us to know. Simple, both are related to Science Fiction. Lazarus Long is even more obscure than Grok but the end result is that if you understood the whole thing then we both believed nothing was impossible or to far fetched to be considered as impossible.

Which then leads to other things like acceptance of people or cultures who are different from our own, what can be done with the mind and a ton of other things. Yeah, I know, it's weird.

How often have you met someone who you know can understand everything you say, perfectly, after just a few words. it's quite nice when it happens. Doesn't happen often tho.

So today I leave you with this. Pantheistic solipsism. Go look it up. It's what we understood. ;)

Big time thief but no depression, just adrenaline

I mentioned earlier that I loved to play pinball machines. Yeh, back in the day I was a gamer. Still am but I got old and reflexes got slow. I had one of the first Nintendo games to come out. I played almost 24 hours a day when I first got it. Even took a day off work to play. Got a severe case of Nintendo thumb.

I bought a X-box a couple of years ago because I got tired of my two younger cousins kicking my ass at golf. I did get good enough to win my share but golf is the only game I did get good at. I love NASCAR racing but I'm to shaky to play well. Lol, can qualify 1st and after a few laps I'm in dead last. Only place I win consistently is Daytona and Dega.

Pinball machines was all there was back then. That and the bowling machines with the thing like a hockey puck to slide down. I was a pro at that too.

I used to play at the bus depot frequently. The pinball machines were back out of sight so I could cheat until I learned to beat the new games. I'd get it up to 20 free games or so and then quit cheating so I could learn to beat it fairly.

Pinball machines suck now compared to the old days. 1 game, 5 balls for a nickle. 6 games for a quarter. Another thing I loved was shooting games. I was a pro at them too. Didn't matter, pistol or rifle, I kicked ass.

Bet you can't guess where I learned to get good at all of those things can you. Naturally, in the bars. I won so much stuff playing the bowling game that when the bar would get new stuff I'd play until I got the stuff I wanted. Yes, you could get free games on them too.

Best thing I ever won on the bowling was a complete picnic set with everything you needed and a big wicker basket it all fit in. Lol, yes the had had good prizes back then and even Cracker Jacks had decent stuff in them instead of the crap you get now.

Point is I was very good at all bar games so no one thought much of it when I'd play for hours at a time.

I was playing at the bus depot one day when the owner walked back into his office, Opened a drawer and shut it and came out with 3 rolls of 50 cent pieces. Lol, yes, they had half dollars back then.

The place was pretty busy so I filed that piece of information away for another day, or night. Yep, I made a killing there.

Facts, reality and getting over depression

I wrote a post on a forum about the difference between facts, reality and truth.

Yes, I know, you thought they were all the same. Well, they aren't. That's part of what makes life so complicated. Facts are always true but reality and truth are very different and very changeable.

The fact and the truth is that in my reality I am very depressed. The fact and truth is that in my reality I am in a lot of pain. Both physical and mental.

Yet when other people look at me they see absolutely nothing wrong with me. I appear to smile a lot, I'm not unpleasant to them, I can walk and talk just fine.

What they see is not the truth but what I allow them to see. Letting them see anything else would be weakness, to me. If you appear weak you are much more likely to have people try to take advantage of or victimize you.

In their reality their truth is that I am in good shape, in my reality the truth is I'm not. Two truths but exact opposites.

Funny thing is we could all take lie detector tests and they would show that others are telling the truth yet mine would also show that I am telling the truth.

Reality and truth are malleable or changeable but facts are not.

What is a fact in my reality has to be a fact in your reality or it's not truly a fact. If it's raining and we are standing side by side it's a fact that it's raining. If the temperature is 70 degrees that's a fact in both of our realities.

Here's another fact. With me what you see is what you get but what I allow you to see is only the tip of the iceberg. If you get to know me very well you will discover that what you thought you knew was entirely wrong.

Aren't perceptions fun? What you perceive is your truth but what you perceive isn't always true. That's why writing this blog about my life is so depressing. However it's not why I'm depressed.

Hopefully someone reading this will make a change in the way they treat their kids, someone will change something in their life to make it better, someone will realize that no matter what happened to you it's possible to overcome it.

If not then it's still not a waste of my time because it's helping me to get better and to be better. It's also a map of how not to raise a child.

Pain, stress, depression and the mind

For some reason I've been in more than the usual amount of pain for the last few days. It hurts my legs to walk and they hurt just sitting still. No comfortable position at all. Elbows, forearms and hands are the same way.

No clue what's causing it, well, a couple of medical problems, but the pain is beyond the usual scope of increase. Hopefully it's the weather. I've had arthritis for years but have been able to mostly ignore it or get by with ibuprofen.

I've got a very high pain threshold, lol, perhaps that's why, even at my size, I won so many fights with people bigger than me. I could ignore more damage than most people. Point is I'm up to Tylenol 3s and most people would be getting some really heavy duty pain killers. So why don't I?

Because then I can't function as I want to. Short term, no problem, long term, big problem. If you can't function as you want to what is the point of being alive. Then again, a permanently altered reality might be very interesting.

Then maybe I wouldn't have feelings and memories. Particularly ones I can't seem to suppress anymore. Now there's a whole nother subject. Suppressed memories almost always filter thru the subconscious first.

Anyway, the pain interferes with suppression of feelings and memories. Now I'm learning to replace the bad memories with good memories. Which in theory won't cause as much stress which equals less pain which equals less concentration required to control the rest.

Lol, I know I'm not going crazy because I question the sanity of it but now I'm substituting made up memories and making them real enough so my subconscious will believe them and act on them rather than the true memories.

IOW I'm building a new reality, small memory by small memory. I wonder if it will become real enough that I actually believe it. Denial is a very strong fault that could be put to good use. Now there's a subject I'm going to have to look up. Something I know absolutely nothing about. Actual memory replacement.

Funny that writing all of this depressing stuff is actually helping me. Oh well, it gets less depressing, to me at least because in a couple of weeks I'll have chronologically aged to where things get to be fun. Lol, I turned 13 in 1960. Sex, drugs and rock and roll. Ban the bomb, burn your bra and free love.

I had a wild time.

Fairmont, fishing and depression still exists

The best thing about fishing, besides catching fish, was that it was something I could do alone. I loved being away from adults. Of course that makes sense because most adults close to me did nothing but hurt me physically, mentally or emotionally.

Those that didn't do any of those failed to protect me so I had no trust in adults at all. Relatives least of all. Probably explains why I've more comfortable with women and with little kids. While I was molested by several women, we'll get to that later on, none of them hurt me except for my mother. Not even mentally.

Anyway, I loved to fish and I caught a lot of fish as a kid. I hated and still hate bullheads tho. Got horned one to many times and it got infected and hurt like hell for over a week. I'd much rather fish from shore than a boat as I don't have to worry about near as much or be as careful. Pretty hard to hit another boat or fall overboard and drown on dry land. While I like boats, fishing from shore is more relaxing.

I was fishing by myself one day and I saw a guy doing something I'd never seen before and he was out fishing me by a ton. I went over and talked to him and he explained to me that his rod was a fly rod and he used artificial flies to out fish me.

I'd never seen a fly rod before and obviously never seen anyone using one. He showed me a little bit about it and I thought perhaps I could do it with a regular rod. Lol, my young brain didn't grasp how it really worked so I tried it my way.

I shoplifted a few artificial flys and tied one onto the end of my line and then I would put out about 6 feet of line and jiggle it around or let it trail in the water while I walked on the dock. I caught more fish but I still wasn't happy because I couldn't do it the way he was.

The dock at the swimming beach was a U shape with the legs of the U being on shore. Little kids stayed inside the dock area and the bigger kids, who could swim, could go out to the raft. The swimming area had a life guard and swimming was only allowed during certain hours. Fishing off the dock was not allowed during swimming hours. The hours were enforced by the police.

During the non swimming hours I spend a lot of time walking the dock and catching fish. I also started experimenting with learning to fly cast from the dock. Almost impossible with a 5 foot steel rod and an old fashioned level wind reel but I got so I could get it out 20 feet or so.

Then I managed to accumulate enough money to get myself a 6 foot fiberglass rod and a close faced spinning reel. I could cast that baby a mile with conventional terminal tackle and best of all was no backlashes or birdsnests. Don't remember how I got the money but it's safe to assume I probably stoled it or stoled something and sold it to get the money.

Heh, I just remember a cops name from Fairmont. Joe Sutton. He and I would become acquainted thru him trying to nail me for anything. He got lucky, once.

I practiced with the new rod and reel and could then get the fly out 30 feet or so. I could also keep it above the bushes and stuff on shore so I no longer had to fish from docks. More freedom. Seems my whole life has been a struggle for freedom. Lol, still is for that matter.

I was fly fishing from shore one day and catching fish but the bushes behind me were a problem. Every now and then while false casting the fly would get hung up in the bushes. I'd tighten the line and give a jerk and the fly would come free so then I'd start over with the false casting.

One time it got caught and I thought it was in the bushes again so I tightened up the line and gave my usual hard yank to free the fly. When I yanked, my head snapped around and my ear hurt really bad. I grabbed the line and followed it with my fingers, right to my ear.

I now had a bumblebee fly as an unintentional earring. I swore a bit, got out my knife and cut the line off at the fly. Then I tried to get the fly out of my ear but I couldn't. It didn't hurt that bad so I tied on a new fly and kept on fishing until I got tired of it.

I stopped at the concession stand that was run by some people I knew and when they saw my ear the told me to come in and they took a side cutter and cut the hook off just above the barb. Pissed me off because now I'd lost my best fly. However it got the fly out of my ear and that was a good thing.

When my mother saw my ear I lied to her about what happened but eventually she found out and took my fishing gear away for a week. That was depressing to say the least. The fact that she beat me for lying to her was no surprise but if I'd told her the truth she'd have beat me for that too. Which leads to depression at it's finest.

Self esteem, depression and guilt

I said yesterday the purpose of this blog wasn't to make money. Today I noticed all of the self esteem AdSense ads and I know a free method to boost anyone and every ones self esteem.

Before I get to the specific instructions I'll tell you something that will be a subject of a future post. I spent 20 years as a serious alcoholic and had a lot of guilt about a lot of things. Heh, talk about causes of depression.

Anyway, in 1980 I spent a long, long time in alcohol treatment. To bad I wasn't a celebrity I might have gotten away with 4 weeks but I wasn't so I ended up in alcohol treatment for 9 MONTHS. Lol, one of the time my being stubborn caused me a major problem.

Yes, it was court ordered and I wasn't to be released from treatment until all the staff agreed I was likely to stay sober when I got out. Took me 6 months to figure out my way wasn't going to work and to figure out what they wanted me to say and do.

They made a mistake letting me out but I had learned to play the game their way so they finally let me out. They did make me a much better manipulator and it took 7 more years for what they taught me, to sink in. It finally did.

It was also at the same time that I discovered personal responsibility. That it wasn't my fault my mother didn't want me, that it wasn't my fault I was molested and that most things I felt guilty or bad about weren't my fault. But that's another 30 yrs in the future from Fairmont.

Back to self esteem. The following is what taught me and it works. I've taught it to others and it's to simple for most to believe it works. Things can be exceptionally simple and still work very well. If you can write or print it will work for you too. All you have to do is do it.

What I want you to do is write down three things you did or didn't do today that were good things. One line each.

When you have very low self esteem or are very depressed it's hard to think of three things that were good but everyone does good things everyday. Problem is you and I don't give ourselves credit for doing them or not doing them.

It can be as simple as I put the toilet seat down, in my case if nothing else, I didn't have a drink today. I didn't pee my pants, I didn't hit anyone, I didn't lose my temper, I let someone in in traffic, I took the garbage out, I was nice when I didn't want to be, etc. I went to work on time, I donated 1 million dollars to a worth cause and on and on and on.

They don't have to be major things. They can be things you expect yourself to do and you do them daily but never give yourself the credit for doing them. If you really want to see if it works try it for thirty days without telling anyone and then after thirty days ask your friends, wife, girlfriend, etc. if they see any changes in you in the last couple of weeks.

Some days I really struggle with this but I know there are always at least three things I did that were good things. They don't have to be major things. Any little small things are fine. It doesn't matter how small or how large. It just matters that you did it.

Some days just getting out of bed is a good thing. ;) The more you do it the more things you will be able to come up with that you did that were good things. However you must do it everyday.

When you are feeling down go back and read what you have written. It will help you. The only rule is you can only use 1 thing per week. You can't write down that you didn't pee on the floor today for seven days in a row. Nor should you write down the same things every week. Try to find new things everyday that were good.

It's cheap, ya just don't get any cheaper than free. You don't need to spend a ton of money to raise your own self esteem. However you do have to do it daily and you do have to write it down everyday. I spend 5 minutes doing it every night before I go to sleep.

Doing it them gives me a free fringe benefit that also helps me go to sleep because I'm thinking of good things instead of other things.

Give it the 30 day trial and see if you don't feel better about yourself. Yes, it's simple but it does work so give it a shot before you waste any money on supposedly sure fire ways to raise your own self esteem. If your kids have low self esteem it will work for them too. You may have to help them a bit but when you help them write theirs you can write it down as a good thing you did.

It's simple, it's not hard, and it's free. Life just doesn't get much better than that. Give it a try as it will work for you too and raise your self esteem.

Rewind on depression and moving from Iowa

For some reason I got ahead of the story. Yesterdays post is correct, it's just not in the correct order. Evidently I copied the wrong page when I pasted it in to the blog. Before we moved to Denison from Sioux City we moved back to Minnesota. Then to Sioux City, then to Denison, then to LeMars Iowa.

Fairmont MN was a pretty cool place. Lots of lakes and I liked it there. Big enough so I wasn't much noticed by anyone but not so big I couldn't get around. Naturally I was behind in school again. No big deal there as I would catch up in a few weeks.

I really got tired of moving and being the new kid all the time tho. I was always the outsider and while I suppose it bothered me at the time and is probably partly accountable for the what I turned into I don't remember it bothering me much at the time.

There was always the same routine. The teachers loved me, the kids didn't like me because I was new, different and smart. Fighting was a common thing with every move and not something I feared at all. I took no shit and gave no quarter. After I had established I couldn't be bullied or beaten into submission things would be fine.

That's just how life worked back then. It was normal. The new kid always got picked on. Lol, the only good thing was sooner or later another new kid would come along. Usually I'd make friends with them but not always. The local kids would forget me and pick on the newer kid.

Because the town was on a chain of lakes I fished a lot. My stepfathers sister owned a lake place that was a bar and marina. We spent a lot of time there because they could drink and I could fish and be left alone. While I got in some minor trouble there it was a place I could still live and I considered it.

At the moment it's to close to all the girls I went out with and I don't want to get anywhere close to them because I don't trust myself. It would be to easy for me to feel lonely and call one of them and start up again. If I go out with one the rest will eventually find out and then it's the same crap all over again. No point in that.

It was a place I liked tho. Out of all the places I've lived MN is still my favorite place. The whole upper Midwest is decent but MN was always the best. I lived on the East Cost and hated it. Was really hard to find a good steak. I lived in LA and hated it. To many people, to many pretentious people and to damn much concrete. I lived down South and hated it. Just to freaking hot for to long.

As long as I have Internet I can live anywhere I want, now. That makes some people jealous. It was one hell of a journey getting to this point tho.

Enough wandering off the track again and back to MN. I had lots of experiences there and learned a lot more about life. I finally got to see my grandmother again too and I hadn't been allowed to see her since my mother moved us from my hometown.

Things are going to get worse.

Dating and depression don't go together very well

Dating sucks and depression doesn't help it at all. Nor does the fact I'm really picky. I had a knock on my door a couple of days ago and it was an idiot I met at the motel pool, along with a chick. He's dumber than a stump and thinks he's really slick but the chick was kind of hot.

He introduced us and we talked for a bit on the balcony and then she asked if she could come in. I said sure she could and I told the guy to hit the road.

Lynn told me she'd seen me two different times in Wal-Mart and was afraid to talk to me because I was old and white and she didn't know if I liked younger black chicks or not. There's a black checkout girl I flirt with and it turns out they are friends so Lynn asked her friend if she knew anything about me.

Her friend told her I must like black girls because I always flirted with her when I was getting checked out. She also told her she knew I was staying at the motel. Then the dumb doofus, who it turns out dates her sister now and then, was talking to her sister about meeting this old guy at the motel and Lynn figured out it was me so she asked him to introduce us.

She stayed and talked with me for about an hour and then asked me if I'd give her a ride home as her daughter was coming home from school and she needed to be there. So I gave her a ride home and on the way she told me she'd come back after her daughter went to bed.

I gave her my phone number so she could call if anything changed and she said cool, she'd be here just after 8 PM. We were going to go out and eat and talk more. She never showed up and she never called.

The next morning she showed up and I was in the office playing with baby T. When I got done playing with baby one of the maids told me she'd been here knocking on my door. While I was walking across the parking lot I saw her coming from next door so I waited for her.

She came in and we talked some more and she tried to BS me about why she never called. She'd been telling me how smart she was so I let her keep talking and making excuses. Biggest excuse was it was long distance to call my cell phone. So I asked her why she didn't call the room phone as it's a local number?

More BS followed and more excuses so I cut that conversation off and we talked about other things for awhile. Then she asked me if I could take her to run an errand and I said sure. Should have taken all of 15 minutes but then she wanted to pick up a girlfriend and I said okay.

We picked her up, then she saw a guy she knew walking and hollered at him so we gave him a ride and then yet another guy. I'm interested in listening to her and how she is with her friends so I didn't say to much. Just watched and listened.

After 3 hours of screwing around we dropped the guys off and she asked me to take her and her girlfriend back to her house for a minute. So back to her place we went. She picked up most of her junk in the car and headed in saying she'd be right back. Then she hollered at her girlfriend to come in.
A minute later the GF came back to get the rest of her stuff and told me Lynn said she'd have her brother in law bring her over in about 10 minutes or so. I said okay and the GF headed back in when I noticed she'd forgotten something so I honked at her.

She came back to see what I wanted and I handed it to her. I'd been thinking ever since Lynn went in and because I'd been listening I told her to tell Lynn to just forget it. Then I drove off. While I was listening I learned she didn't meet most of my requirements for a relationship so why waste anymore time on her.

She thought she was going to get me to buy her some clothes and other stuff later on and turns out she was more interested in money than in me. So bye bye baby. Lol, haven't seen her since. It's freaking bad enough being depressed without going out with someone you can't rely on.

Problem is she did make me realize how much I missed being with a female. No big deal, she kinda fell into my lap accidentally and I know when I am less depressed I'll find someone who suits me. That's one thing I learned from the secret and from double your dating email course I'd signed up for a couple of years ago.

I have a small site about dating at Dating Hot Women and I've used what I learned from the course quite successfully. Lol, it's the biggest reason I've had so many different girlfriends the last two years.

So here I sit, depressed and dateless. Like the man said, "This to shall pass". The only thing I know for sure is I will find a female who meets the majority of my requirements sooner or later.

COPD, Depression and loss of interest in hobbies or fun

I've had a loss of interest in a lot of things I used to enjoy and a change in other things I never used to do. This loss of interest didn't happen over night but took some time.

I used to love to fish. So much so that it's how I figured out I had a severe drinking problem. I never took alcohol with me to go fishing and only have about 5 or 6 times in my life. I always figured I couldn't do two things well at once.

I had planned to go fishing one night and instead went to the bar. While I was sitting there it came to me that I'd really rather be at the lake so why was I in the bar. It was on a Monday or Tuesday, I remember that because it was one of the deadest bar nights. Yet I was in the bar instead of fishing.

I even have a fishing forum for South Dakota at Fishing Eastern South Dakota Lakes and Rivers tho I don't fish anymore. I still love the idea of fishing just not all the work it takes to get there. It's just way to much effort to go thru all you have to do just to get to the lake and find a place to fish. Can't make myself do it anymore. Loss of interest in doing one of my favorite hobbies.

Food was another of my favorite things. I loved to eat. I loved candy bars and would buy 15-20 bucks worth at a time. A weeks supply. Now I can barely stand it. I used to love junk food, twinkies, ho ho's and that line of junk. Now I can take it or leave it. Just don't care about it at all.

Great home cooked food like my grandmothers or even mine was always good. I can cook a complete Thanksgiving dinner from scratch. I can make pie crust from scratch and I can make really great home made fudge. Mashed potato's and gravy are, were, my favorite. Steak, chops, burgers, you name it I can cook it.

Now the microwave and the frozen dinner section are my favorite place at the grocery store. To damn much work to cook and do dishes. Besides, nothing tastes worth a damn anyway. Most days I have to force myself to eat or remember to. I no longer enjoy food. I hated peanut butter all my life and now I'm eating it 4 times a week or more.

Sex is another thing that doesn't do much for me lately, nor the idea of it. Lol, maybe I should take a vow of celibacy. I've got a good start. Feb 20th of this year was the last time. Funny that I don't miss it more. Probably the damn Zoloft took away the idea. Maybe! Considering it was at least 3 times a week and usually 5 times before and probably two different women.

Now, don't care. Still can, just don't care. It's just to damn much effort to go out and chase women and get involved in all the drama. Besides, sex is work or takes effort.

I loved working on the PC and on the net and now I can barely make myself write this blog 5 days a week. I used to love the challenge of marketing on the net and now it's boring. All I've been doing for the last 8 weeks is reading new stuff about marketing and watching videos about new ways of doing things on the net. I can't make myself go do the work I need to do.

Reading books, as you should know if you follow this blog, was one of my favorite things. Now it takes me a couple of weeks to finish a book. Perhaps because it doesn't hold my interest or I haven't found a book compelling enough to make me keep reading.

The TV was always just background noise while I read or worked. I never really 'watched' TV, it was just on. Now I freaking watch TV and I mean I 'watched' TV. No reading, no working, nothing but TV. I can actually just focus on TV. TV sucks for the most part.

Makes me wonder how much of it is caused by depression, how much by age, how much by COPD and how much by the Zoloft.

Fishing and not doing it is COPD related rather than depression. Can't carry all the things I need to without breathing hard and taking a break. Rather than admit my weakness I stopped doing it instead. That way I can still lie to myself about my COPD.

Food could be age, depression and copd related. The sugar and junk food thing started before the severe depression tho. Heh, just realized I haven't eaten yet today. Arghhh.

Reading I have no clue what it could be. Maybe Steven King and all the authors I like quit writing good books and I'm the only one that knows it. In case you don't know it that was sarcasm. ;)

Sex and loss of interest I'm pretty sure is the Zoloft. Must have taken a long time to build up in my body. That's a prescription that won't be renewed. Don't want and can't stand the thought of being cuddled. Conflicted here because I'm glad it went away but I doubt it's a good thing that it did. Blame it on Zoloft.

Sex being work. COPD! Heh, if I'd have know if was going to mess up sex as much as it has I'd have quit smoking years ago. Having chicks ask if I'm OK is a real downer. Vigorous sex is a thing of the past unless I get to carried away and then it doesn't last long because I have to stop way to soon because I can't breathe. Lol, one asked me if she should call an ambulance. I now explain beforehand that all I need is a couple of minutes to catch my breath I'll be fine so don't ask or offer.

TV? I chalk that one up to age and senility.

Depression and my headaches are back

I don't know if it's my depression, the weather or what but I'm back to having headaches almost everyday. I don't like it as I haven't had them like this for a long time. Nothing major is going wrong, nothing much has changed in the last month so no explanation.

While I did decide to stay where I am for another month I think I'll be leaving after that. It's not impossible that getting to be such friends with mama T, K and baby T are what's making me think I should move on.

I have a habit of pushing people away when they get to close to me because I don't trust them not to hurt me eventually. Mama T and I get a little closer everyday and that's scary. Baby T really likes me and that's scary. K likes me and we get along fine.

I've said before I don't know how to deal with this stuff and the emotions it causes. Maybe that's why my headaches are back so often. Maybe it's because they think I'm so damn nice and if they knew my history they'd not like me at all.

There aren't many people around who'd call me a nice person. A few but not many. Most would call me an asshole at best and kids shouldn't read the worst so I won't say it. Problem is underneath all the hard ass, push people away, don't take any shit, is a nice person.

I just never let people see it because when they do the vast majority have tried to take advantage of me one way or another or have used what they know to hurt me. Part of my upbringing I guess but it's just easier for me not to have people get to close to me or be to close to me.

I've been trying to figure out why I like babies or kids better than adults and girls better than boys. Baby girls are one way for chicks to get to me. I suspect it has something to do with one of my ex girlfriends from 35 years ago giving up my baby girl for adoption.

Most of the time when people ask me if I have kids I just say no rather than bother to explain it to them. People have been asking me that a lot lately and the only one I told the truth to was mama T. I expect she told K and her mother, sisters and cousins but that's okay.

For some reason she talks to them a lot about me. Even tho I can't speak her language I can understand my own name and a word here and there. I can also understand voice tone and body language. I don't know why she tells them so much about me but she does.

I'm not even sure if I like it or not. I'm a very private person. Well, I was until I started this blog. Still am anonymous tho, just not private. Some days writing this is depressing.

This is one of those days. Considering I just took pain pills for my headache I guess that's about enough of this. Besides, it's stressful too.

More on my life in Sioux City and depression

Don't make the mistake of thinking because I was happier I wasn't depressed anymore. I missed my grandmother very much and my Dad too. If I even talked about either of them around my mother I got hit and told how much like my father I was. It took her a long time to understand that I took that as being a good thing.

At this point in my life I could have still been saved from what I was going to become. It wouldn't have been easy but it could have been done. I was still getting straight "A" in school but school was really boring and no challenge at all. The school wanted me to skip a grade two different times but she wouldn't okay it. I never did know why and still don't.

At my age I had to watch what ever my grandfather decided. TV was still in black and white back then and we could get 3 stations. We watched a lot of boxing and wrestling together and in the mornings I could watch cartoons. Cartoons in black and white sucked. We always had to watch Ed Sullivan. Heh, I can remember when Elvis and the Beatles were on that show. Lol, both in B and W and not at the same time. ;)

I still read everything I could get my hands on and I was and still am a faster than average reader. Notice that doesn't translate in a good writer tho. I hated English class. My punctuation sucks, I know. Anyway there were a lot more places to steal comics and books from.

So we lived in Sioux City and my life was easy. I didn't have to watch my sister, feed her, cook for us or do anything. Not even dishes. I finally got the opportunity to be a kid and didn't know how. That sucks. Soon I was about to get a major shock in my life and it didn't make me very happy.

I thought it would make my life even better but it didn't. It was shortly after that when I knew I could no longer be saved from what I was going to become. Once again I had to choose between nerd and hard ass. Once gain I chose what I needed to so as to survive.

It was obviously a good choice as I did survive but not one kids should have to make, I had one hell of an exciting life and for a long, long, time lived on the wild side and loved it. More about that tomorrow.

Back on track with depression

As I said I ran wild in Sioux City. There was a Sunshine store across the street, it's a grocery store, that had the first donut making machine I'd ever seen. It would drop them into the hot grease and they inner part would turn. When they were half way around the machine would flip them over and when they came to the exit it would flip them out and then start another one. It cooked 10 at a time or at least there were always 10 going around.

That machine just fascinated the hell out of me. The clerks were mostly female and the first few times I was watching they ran me off but after that they let me watch as long as I wanted. Lol, I was so fascinated they probably thought I was retarded or something.

Every now and then they would give me a broken donut and I really loved those things. Every penny I could get went towards donuts. Plain were two for a nickle and chocolate iced were each a nickle. Naturally I liked the chocolate iced the best. 50 years later and I can still get hungry for those donuts and if the machine was anywhere around I expect I'd go watch it.

There was a creek behind the store and it went underground in some large cement tubes. It was about 20 feet down from street level and the city had a ladder that went straight up and down the wall to get down to the creek bed. Us kids weren't supposed to play there but we always did. I was the first one to go a long ways down the concrete tunnels. It was cool in there when it was hot outside.

When ever we got caught down there we would get in trouble but none of us really cared. It was probably dangerous but that made it more attractive and exciting instead of scary. Lol, it only scared our parents. After we moved it flooded and came up the stairs about 8 feet toward my grandparents apt.

There was also a red shield boys club a few blocks away. I had quite a few fights there because I was the new kid but after another new kid moved in that stopped. It was farther than I was allowed to go but I didn't care, I went anyway. Heh, I went miles away and my mother and grandparents never knew it.

I've been a wanderer since the first time I ran away from home at age 4. I'd seen more place by the time I was 16 than most people would see in their lifetimes but people also didn't travel much back then. More about that later tho as that's a bit in the future.

Sioux City, IA and Fairmont, MN are probably the two places I was happiest in as a kid. I was pretty much left alone to do my own thing in both places.

I think my love of wandering is why I like to go for walks with baby T because it's so cool to watch her discover new things and places. She finds something new even tho we walk the same area all the time. Now I'm trying to teach her the names of things.

Anyway, I like to think I felt like she does when I was wandering and discovering new things. I came from a small town with nothing much happening except trains so the world was a marvelous place to me. Particularly when I could get away from adults at the same time.

I was independent as hell and more self reliant than a lot of adults I knew and I could take better care of myself than some of them. More than one shrink has told me people would like me a lot better if I wasn't so damned independent and self reliant.

The unfortunate thing is I had to learn to be that way as a kid or die. I'm to damn stubborn to die til I get ready to and I've seldom asked anyone for help with anything. When I did ask I paid them for helping. I did what I had to do to keep my sister and me as good as I could. Adults never helped or seldom helped so who was I going to ask. So, like the song says "I learned to depend on me."

Even tho I know I should ask it's really hard for me to do. Even with the chick I love so much. Damn I hate her. ;) You'd think I'd do it so people would like me better but that never made any difference to me. Could be it's a part of my fear of rejection or abandonment too. Lol, there's another thing damn few people know about me and would be astonished to find out.

Heh, I once told my ex wife, when she told me I needed her, that I didn't NEED her and we were together because I wanted her but I didn't NEED her. Got a call from her shrink to explain that one so she could explain it to my ex. The shrink got it right away but it took two weeks to get my ex to understand it. Perhaps that's why we're divorced.

I don't remember having any depression while I lived in Sioux City and that's probably why I have good memories of the place.