Girls, sex and depression

Lol, I expect someone to come out of the woodwork for my glamorizing my sex escapades again. However no glamour to it, it's just what happened.

I was going to go through these girls one at a time but it's just to many in the 4 years or so I was there.

Now to be fair, I was a bad boy type. You know, the kind your mother didn't want you hanging around with and if you were a girl that was even worse.

Back then everyone wore slacks but jeans were cheap so that's what I wore. Believe it or not you could get 3 pair of Levis for 5 bucks back then. I also wore boots rather than shoes. Another thing that made you a bad person. You should also know I listened to devil music better know as rock and roll. ;) Hmm, would that be rap nowdays.

Girls were easy and I mean girls from 13 to 50. Sheesh, I slept with two of the Mayors daughters, My English teachers daughter, my guidance counselors daughter and a ton of others.

I played the part of the moody bad boy and at parties I often sat alone in the corner and watched. There'd be a constant parade of girls coming over and trying to cheer me up or get me to dance. I'd take my pick for the night.

Besides the girls I went to school with there were a ton more. LeMars is a college town and I slept with lots of college girls. Had an interesting yer after I got my first car. College girls galore and most were more advanced than me at 15 and 16.

Slept with my first Asian, Black and Native American chick in the same year. A couple of over 40 women in that same year.

They all knew what was in store when the went out with me. I was sorta cruel about it. There was so much free sex running around and available to me that if I took a girl out to park and she said no at any point I'd say okay, start up the car and take her home. Then I'd go pick up one I knew would have sex and go back out and park.

More than likely the one I had just gotten rid of would call me in a day or two and beg me to take her out again. So I did. Only a couple I had to take home twice, the rest got the hint from the first time.

Funny tho, I never slept with the town slut. Lol, every town has one and you usually know who she is by 8th or 10th grade. We were just never free at the same times. Did sleep with her shy cousin a lot tho.

All in all there were only three girls I really cared about all the time I lived there. One broke my heart, I broke ones heart and the other was mutual, we broke each others hearts.

By the time I was 18 I'd slept with over 50 different chicks and that was about 7 times the national average for all men, at the time. I still don't have a problem with picking up women and I'm a lot farther over the national average now, even tho it's risen about 250% since then.

MOF I have the picking up and dating part down pat, it's the relationship part I really suck at. Hmmm, do you suppose with all the girlfriends I was trying to replace the love I never got from my mother? Duh, that's an easy one. Depressing but easy.

I'd say that I'm still trying to replace it to this day. The need to be cuddled and held is almost overwhelming somedays. Particularly if my depression is really bad.

In some respects I was very lucky. I'd never, ever used a condom in my life until about two years ago. I only have one child and I've never had a sexually transmitted disease. Lol, had crabs once but you can get them even with a condom. Funny, got them from a upper class rich chick.

So lots of girls, even more sex and lots of angry depression. All I can say is James Dean was a wuss. ;)

Sex, teen boys and small towns

Sex, sex, sex. After having had Cherie introduce me to the joy of sex I was horny all of the time. One of the best memories I have of LeMars is all of the sex I had with high school, college girls and older women.

Heh, I think the average number of sex partners in a lifetime, back then, was 7. I'd gone way past that before the end of 9th grade. Of course I didn't know that then, or care.

In a way it's kind of sad to think that all of the older college girls and the older, 40-50, females I had sex with could go to jail for sexual abuse nowadays, is astonishing to me. I thought I was one of the luckiest kids in the world that women of all ages were willing and wanted to sleep with me.

I suppose if I were to be totally honest about the whole thing with the older women I wouldn't call it molestation or sexual abuse. I was astounded when someone pointed it out to me that it was. Nah, at least not for me. I think that law should apply more individually than it should as a class.

Lol, I also have a double standard. Girls are different. The law was passed in the first place, to protect girls and smaller children from men. Men knew men didn't need protecting from females. Yes, I know all the arguments against my position. Yes, I know, it's stone age. Yes, I know, times change.

Now I'm not talking about some female molesting a baby or toddler or lower grade schooler. That's wrong no matter what. I decide things on an individual basis. Heh, I know some guys in there 20's that if an older woman of 30 hit on them it would be molestation but I also knew 6th grade boys that were having sex and it wouldn't be for them. Depends on the innocence and experience level I guess. Oh, and turning 18 doesn't make you any less dumb than you were the day before.

Anyway, back to the total honesty. The way I tell the story is that these older women all seduced me. That part is true but it's not the whole story. OTOH I've just come to realize in the last few years how manipulative I really was back then.

I did everything in my power to get those women to seduce me and encouraged it at all times and let them know, in one way or another, that I was very open to the idea. Particularly the ones I was around a lot and could tease.

Only one older woman I ever had anything to do with that I thought was wrong. However that didn't stop me from having oral sex with her multiple times and finally making love to her. Hey, she was 10 years older than me and hot. Really freaking hot. Unfortunately she was also my uncles wife.

So I wasn't particular about girls my age or older women. Nor was I particular about fat or skinny. At least not for sex. I just didn't want anyone to know about the fat ones. Pretty ones, plain ones and even a few ugly ones, that, like the fat ones, I didn't want anyone to know about.

Yes, LeMars is filled with lots of memories of sex. Eventually we'll get to a lot of them. ROTF, I haven't or should say hadn't slept with anyone over 35 since I was 18 or so. Now the last three have been 40, 51 and 54. No different than younger chicks as far as sex goes. ;)

Sex, abuse, stress and depression and beatings in Denison

Lol, another thing to add to the list of abuse, stress and depression that I'm not going to count every detail of. Sex happened a lot and unless it was something out of the ordinary, plenty of it was, I'm not going to tell you about everytime.

Of course paying Cherie a quarter for sex was cool with me. The way I look at it you pay for it one way or another. Dating and relationships cost plenty and you might get some sex and you might not. At least paying her a quarter I was guaranteed.

Another nice thing about it was there was no serious feelings involved. Just the greatness of the sex and the way it relieved all of my stress and depression.

We were in Denison for a while after Cherie and I started up. I actually looked forward to seeing her frequently and we had fun together.

Unfortunately after we moved it was quite awhile before I had actual, real sex with another girl. Lol, never ran into any that charged for it for a few years either.

As I said before, I loved the closeness of it and how it made me feel. Unfortunately it was pretty much the same feelings I got when I was molested by my uncles. That I didn't like and yet I liked the feelings.

That's the problem with child molesters. Everytime it happened to me it was a great feeling that someone cared about me. The people who molest play that angle a lot, from what I read about it, later in life.

For a long time I thought I might be gay. It was a really confusing time for me. At least Cherie made some of that go away. It definitely wasn't anything I could talk to anyone about at the time. Hell, I just started talking about it to select people a few years ago.

Another thing I never talk about much is the fact I wet the bed all my life. Didn't really stop until a couple of months after Cherie and I started doing it regularly.

Then we moved back to Sioux City for a few weeks and then to the small town of LeMars, Iowa for the next 5 years or so. LeMars is about 25 miles South of Sioux City, IA on US highway 75. Lots of interesting things happened there.

I suppose some of it was/is considered molestation but it was women and just because they were way older than I was didn't make it feel that way to me. I thought I was one of the luckiest teenagers alive when I got to have sex with those older women.

Actually I was stunned when someone told me the older women were child molesters. Just never thought of it that way and most of it I instigated or mentioned before they did. Yep, I have a double standard where guys and girls are concerned.

I suppose I shouldn't as I've never felt it from the girls side but as a guy I loved it and there wasn't a thing wrong with it. Just because they were older didn't make it bad, at least not to me.

More about LeMars and my life there in future posts.

Sex, my Cherie Amor. Stressed but definitely not depressed.

Sex and how to deal with it on this blog is going to be something else. Like the beatings and the molestation I'm not going to tell you everytime it happened because it just happened to often with to many different females.

Lol, it's hard for me to write this because of the wording of it and trying to keep it appropriate for anyone to read. In case you hadn't noticed I tend to be a little blunt and tactless at the best of times. The proper wording doesn't elude me, it just sound so cold and sterile.

None of it was cold and sterile. It was mostly always wet, wild and one hell of a lot of fun. There are girls who don't like me anymore nor I them, now, but the sex we had was so good that now and then we could sleep together again. We just can't live together or be a couple.

That's not unusual for me. I had good teachers and I find that getting turned on is a big circle if done correctly. Lol, unlike most men I happen to like a lot of foreplay. I like to tease and contrary to what you might think I'm very soft, sensual and gentle in bed.

I was driving with a couple of guys today, from India, and they wanted to know how many women I'd been with. I didn't tell them but they stopped guessing after they hit 200. They weren't even in the ball park as you'll see later on.

Heh, I probably should have seen a shrink about that too but it was never something that bothered me. Still doesn't bother me but I realized that I was looking for love from any woman that would give it to me. Yeah, yeah, I know, to replace or make up for the love I never got from my mother.

Unfortunately for the ladies I wasn't capable of loving back. Just of breaking up and moving on when I met the next one who excited me. With one exception from the time I was 13 to 36 long term relationships just never worked. Yeah, I know, that was my fault too. WTH you expect with the way I was raised?

The way I was I probably cheated at least twice in even a two week relationship. Sex just seemed to fall into my lap. Pun intended. Still does. I seldom pursue any woman and if I do it's not for long. Mostly they chase me. Probably because I just don't pay much attention to any of them.

I was also a bad boy, the kind your mother didn't want you to meet. Naturally, rebellious girls wanted to be with me. It was just to easy most of the time.

So, anyway, I met Cherie that night. She asked where we could go and I said the only place I knew was my stepfathers car. So that's where we went. It was dark out and no one was likely to pay any attention to us parked in back of the bar.

She took the lead in everything because I flat out didn't know what to do and watching Beaver Cleaver certainly didn't each me anything. Cherie did tho.

She taught me some of the finer points of kissing and we kissed and touched for a long time. Almost to long. At least she was wearing a pair of short shorts and the usual tight sweater. Damn, she had really nice boobs. Oh hell, everything Cherie had was nice.

She gave me my first fellatio in the back of that car. Lol, not that it lasted long. Anyway, eventually we both ended up naked and she was breathing as hard as I was. We touched each other until I just couldn't stand it and begged her to let me have sex with her.

I do distinguish between having sex, making love and plain out hard core screwing. I seldom make love. I doubt I've told 10 women in my ife that I loved them. Maybe half of those I meant it really, the other half I just thought I did. Altho I did really rerealy like some of them.

Back to Cherie and I in the car. I had no clue what to do next so she showed me that too. She got underneath me and I stabbed ineffectively until she finally grabbed it and put it in for me. Then she started moving and it lasted about two whole minutes.

I loved it, it made me feel so close to her and I wanted to do it again and again and again. Lol, here comes the kicker, Cherie told me after we got dressed that we could do it together anytime I wanted. However it was going to cost me a quarter every time.

I could afford it so we spent pretty much every night that we could, together having sex. I couldn't get enough of the feelings or the closeness. It was great. The greatest thing ever. I know now that there are more important things but there weren't back then.

Sure, I still prefer hot, skinny, small breasted chicks in their 20's. Always have and always will but now at my age and health I find her mind to be more intriguing than I do the sex. There's another reason I still get different women without trying to hard at all.

I dated the oldest woman, last month that I'd dated since I was 17. She was all of 40. As silly and confused as most otf the 20 somethings tho. Now I've been semi dating a woman who is 53. We have a lot in common and I like that. She's not as young as I'd like but she understand me with out explanations. She thinks like I do and she's pretty enough for me

I feel like a stupid teenager with her. Don't act like I normally do. She makes me nervous because she's not near as forward as the rest of the girls I know. I actually have to pursue her and I don't really know how anymore. Rejections scares the hell out of me sometimes and this is one of those times.

Cherie and I had a lot of sex together before I moved. She taught me to kiss and I never had a complaint from anyone. Heh, even tho she was charging me a quarter she always made sure she came too. However she was not my girlfriend. Never was. We just had an arrangement we both really enjoyed.

Don't know what happened to her after I left but I hope she turned out okay. Somehow I suspect she turned out about like I did. To bad for her. I hope, for her sake, that she's happier than I am.

Akk the times we were doing it I didn't care about anything else. Heh, I could think of what Cherie and I did the night before, during a beating, and smile while getting beaten. Used to really piss my mother off.

I've never forgotten Cherie getting naked for us and for having sex with me and teaching me some things. The times I spent with her were some of the happiest I'd ever had.

Sex, virginity and how I lost my virginity at 13

As I mentioned previously the kids next door were all about my age. We almost always talked about girls, what sex would be like and who was it most likely we could have sex with.

It's been my experience that every small town has at least one girl with a bad reputation. To put it bluntly a girl who is very easy to get into bed or at least someone easy to get naked.

We all knew who she was and she was very pretty and quite well developed for her age. She was a grade or two ahead of me in school.

On occasion she would come over to the courthouse lawn and talk and flirt with us. She was a masturbation fantasy for a few months. We were always teasing her about showing us her boobs and she wasn't shy about touching them in front of us.

When we were in a private place she wasn't shy about kissing us or letting us touch her outside her clothes. Me and the oldest kid next door for the most part.

She could play and run as fast as we could or even faster so one day when we were teasing her about seeing her breasts she told the 4 of us that if we could catch her she would take all of her clothes off for us.

Now she either didn't try to run to fast of she seriously underestimated how fast a very horny young teenage boy could move when properly motivated. She didn't make it more than about 10 feet before I had her.

She was laughing about it but us boys weren't laughing at all. We just wanted to see her naked as soon as possible. To her credit she very willingly kept her part of the bargain. We just had to find kind of a private place to go where we wouldn't be caught.

She knew of one and took us all there. Lol, it was at the local school back in a hard to get to area where there was a deep concrete walled hole that was part of a window well for one of the rooms in the school basement.

Considering it wasn't a school day and there was no one around we all went there. Us 4 boys were just a bit scared about the whole thing but our curiosity easily overcame our fears about getting caught.

Now Cheri wasn't from a well to do family but as poor or poorer than the rest of us. However she did dress in a very sexy way. It was back in the days when girls would wear those lacy things that made their poodle skirts stand out away from their bodies.

She had four or five of those things on. Petticoats or whatever they were called. Very feminine and to this day seeing someone wearing something like that still turns me on. She also wore a lot of tight sweaters.

She explained the rules to us before she started taking her clothes off and they were very simple. Touching only and none of us could remove any of our clothes or unzip our pants. Naturally we all agreed to her terms without a second thought. She was in control and she knew it.

She was still laughing and giggling at us and how excited we were and playing it as far as she could without actually doing anything. She teased us by pulling her sweater up and letting us see her bra. Damn white cotton thing. Lol, petticoats might turn me on but white cotton bras sure don't, at least they haven't for a very long time.

She's also pull the front of her skirt up and her petticoats and let us see her white cotton panties. They don't do anything for me anymore either. Of course this was in the days before Victoria's Secret or anything else like that. Cotton was the standard.

When they started coming out with more of the satiny panties and bras nothing turned me on more than they did. I just love a chick wearing hot lingerie under her clothes. Particularly when it's matching and pretty or colorful.

Her petticoats, which were about to come off were a different set of pastel colors which was quite daring for a teen girl back then. We messed around and she teased us for what seemed like forever.

I'll tell you how the rest of it went in my next post. She will get naked and I'll have a ton of stress and adrenaline.

Cures for stress and depression or my first time sex with a girl

At last something memorable that wasn't a beating or sexual abuse. Just plain old fashioned sex. I was reading an article on the MSNBC site one day and it was about marriage helping depression.

They had thought that depressed people would gain less from having a live in girlfriend or getting married. Turns out they were wrong. Getting married helped depressed people much more than it helped happier or non depressed people.

It was an interesting study because depressed people who got married scored 7 plus points lower on a depression scale than those depressed people who didn't get married. I found that highly interesting, and, like the researchers, not what I expected.

The conclusion was that marriage may provide the companionship and emotional support depressed people need, to make it somewhat better. Lol, maybe I need to get married again to get rid of all of my stress and depression.

So what does all of this have to do with what happened to me in Denison. Quite a bit actually because it's when and where I met the first girl I ever touched sexually, the first girl I ever saw naked and the first girl I ever had sex with with.

I suppose I should tell you more today but unfortunately I have some obligations to keep today so it's just going to have to wait for the next time I post. Lol, she was a great cure for depression and stress and also a great adrenaline rush except I was at risk for nothing.

COPD, Depression and loss of interest in hobbies or fun

I've had a loss of interest in a lot of things I used to enjoy and a change in other things I never used to do. This loss of interest didn't happen over night but took some time.

I used to love to fish. So much so that it's how I figured out I had a severe drinking problem. I never took alcohol with me to go fishing and only have about 5 or 6 times in my life. I always figured I couldn't do two things well at once.

I had planned to go fishing one night and instead went to the bar. While I was sitting there it came to me that I'd really rather be at the lake so why was I in the bar. It was on a Monday or Tuesday, I remember that because it was one of the deadest bar nights. Yet I was in the bar instead of fishing.

I even have a fishing forum for South Dakota at Fishing Eastern South Dakota Lakes and Rivers tho I don't fish anymore. I still love the idea of fishing just not all the work it takes to get there. It's just way to much effort to go thru all you have to do just to get to the lake and find a place to fish. Can't make myself do it anymore. Loss of interest in doing one of my favorite hobbies.

Food was another of my favorite things. I loved to eat. I loved candy bars and would buy 15-20 bucks worth at a time. A weeks supply. Now I can barely stand it. I used to love junk food, twinkies, ho ho's and that line of junk. Now I can take it or leave it. Just don't care about it at all.

Great home cooked food like my grandmothers or even mine was always good. I can cook a complete Thanksgiving dinner from scratch. I can make pie crust from scratch and I can make really great home made fudge. Mashed potato's and gravy are, were, my favorite. Steak, chops, burgers, you name it I can cook it.

Now the microwave and the frozen dinner section are my favorite place at the grocery store. To damn much work to cook and do dishes. Besides, nothing tastes worth a damn anyway. Most days I have to force myself to eat or remember to. I no longer enjoy food. I hated peanut butter all my life and now I'm eating it 4 times a week or more.

Sex is another thing that doesn't do much for me lately, nor the idea of it. Lol, maybe I should take a vow of celibacy. I've got a good start. Feb 20th of this year was the last time. Funny that I don't miss it more. Probably the damn Zoloft took away the idea. Maybe! Considering it was at least 3 times a week and usually 5 times before and probably two different women.

Now, don't care. Still can, just don't care. It's just to damn much effort to go out and chase women and get involved in all the drama. Besides, sex is work or takes effort.

I loved working on the PC and on the net and now I can barely make myself write this blog 5 days a week. I used to love the challenge of marketing on the net and now it's boring. All I've been doing for the last 8 weeks is reading new stuff about marketing and watching videos about new ways of doing things on the net. I can't make myself go do the work I need to do.

Reading books, as you should know if you follow this blog, was one of my favorite things. Now it takes me a couple of weeks to finish a book. Perhaps because it doesn't hold my interest or I haven't found a book compelling enough to make me keep reading.

The TV was always just background noise while I read or worked. I never really 'watched' TV, it was just on. Now I freaking watch TV and I mean I 'watched' TV. No reading, no working, nothing but TV. I can actually just focus on TV. TV sucks for the most part.

Makes me wonder how much of it is caused by depression, how much by age, how much by COPD and how much by the Zoloft.

Fishing and not doing it is COPD related rather than depression. Can't carry all the things I need to without breathing hard and taking a break. Rather than admit my weakness I stopped doing it instead. That way I can still lie to myself about my COPD.

Food could be age, depression and copd related. The sugar and junk food thing started before the severe depression tho. Heh, just realized I haven't eaten yet today. Arghhh.

Reading I have no clue what it could be. Maybe Steven King and all the authors I like quit writing good books and I'm the only one that knows it. In case you don't know it that was sarcasm. ;)

Sex and loss of interest I'm pretty sure is the Zoloft. Must have taken a long time to build up in my body. That's a prescription that won't be renewed. Don't want and can't stand the thought of being cuddled. Conflicted here because I'm glad it went away but I doubt it's a good thing that it did. Blame it on Zoloft.

Sex being work. COPD! Heh, if I'd have know if was going to mess up sex as much as it has I'd have quit smoking years ago. Having chicks ask if I'm OK is a real downer. Vigorous sex is a thing of the past unless I get to carried away and then it doesn't last long because I have to stop way to soon because I can't breathe. Lol, one asked me if she should call an ambulance. I now explain beforehand that all I need is a couple of minutes to catch my breath I'll be fine so don't ask or offer.

TV? I chalk that one up to age and senility.