We didn't spend a lot of time in MN this time but it was about as much boredom as I could handle. The more I think about it the more I really didn't like that town, still don't as far as that goes.
We moved back to Sioux City, same stupid low income apts and right next to my grandparents apt building. The kids I knew had moved but some different ones had moved in. I knew the area so it was cool. I could run wild again and do what ever I wanted to do.
Lol, the first thing I did was go across the street for donuts. I pigged out on them, again, for about a month. Damn donut machine still fascinated me too.
Once again I was way ahead in school so that was boring. I was still getting beat by my mother and occassionally by my stepfather but nothing I couldn't handle. Had a few fights with kids at school because I was the new kid, again. I kicked ass tho and wasn't afraid of anyone or anything so most people left me alone.
Teachers were happy because I'd sit in back and be quiet and read. I pretty much did whatever I wanted in school and once again my mother wouldn't let me skip a grade. I couldn't wait until I was 16 and could put a stop to the school stupidity.
By then I knew I was never going to be happy in school. It was to easy for me and I couldn't and wouldn't fit the mold they tried to make me fit into. I may have said this before but it's still a cool quote and I still feel the same way today. "You laugh at me because I'm different but I laugh at you because you are all the same."
I've never been a leader even tho I'm out in front most of the time. I've never, ever been a follower because followers are sheep. I go my own way and do my own thing and if others don't like it that's just to bad.
I don't take orders well, never have and never will. Asking me will work much better than telling me. I suppose that's why I've worked for myself as much as I've worked for others. Stupidity drives me crazy, mentally slow people drive me crazy, people who can't make decisions drive me crazy. Lol, yeah, I know, it's a short trip.
I knew practically every foot of Sioux City within two miles of where I lived. I knew every hidey hole, dead end and ways to get from one place to another without being seen. I still have the same habit when I move someplace. I'll drive all the roads in the town and in the surrounding area. I seldom go the same way twice to get anywhere.
I don't mind getting lost but consider it just another unplanned exploring experience. Lol, I've had more than a few of those. You do find some interesting things that way tho. Some times more interesting than I want but I can and could deal with it.
So we live back in Sioux City and I'm marginally content. Only because I'm pretty much unsupervised for 12 hours a day or more.
Lots of people in my life have told me I'm spoiled but what they don't get and never will get is I'm the one who spoiled me. I did what I wanted, when I wanted and where I wanted and had no fear of the consequences. What? They gonna beat me more, pffft, who cared. Gonna beat me to death. Damn, I was hoping they would.
I know the older I got the harder I was to deal with because I just didn't give a damn what happened. By now I was beyond anyones help. Not that anyone cared. Parents were to busy drinking to worry about me unless I got into trouble somewhere. Then I'd get beat. Big deal.
I've done pretty much what ever I felt like doing and still do as long as I think it's the right thing to do. Heh, yes, I'm the one who gets to decide if it's the right thing. As long as it doesn't violate my rules it's cool. Consequences? Bah, doesn't matter as long as I feel I was doing the right thing. That's a subject for another day tho.
Nothing much exciting happened living there this time. Only two things I can remember and I'll tell you about them tomorrow or the next day.
Showing posts with label happy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label happy. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Reality and how it works for me.
Everyone should know they create their own unique reality. At least I hope they do. Even insane people or deeply troubled people create their own reality. Lol, the reason they are considered insane or troubled is because their perceived realities don't match what the rest of us think perceived realities should be.
That line of thinking leads to some interesting speculation that maybe it's our perceived realities that are wrong and insane peoples that are correct. Perhaps they see what's really there and we have learned to cover it up or ignore it so don't believe it exists. Just because we can't see it or understand it doesn't mean it isn't true.
We all create our own realities and we all choose which people we let into our private realities. We even have some choice in our public realities. We exercise this in public by where we shop, where we eat, what we buy, etc.
If we are mistreated somewhere we don't generally go back, if the salespeople at one store are rude we go to a different store, if we don't like the food we go someplace else to eat the next time. Accept this as fact because it is how we do things.
Our private realities are a different story. There we create them totally, They are ours and we are responsible for them. We are responsible for who we allow in them. Yes, we are, you do choose your friends don't you? You do chose to answer the phone for some people and let others go to voice mail. Isn't caller ID a wonderful thing.
We are responsible for our acts because it's our reality and we made the choice to do them. Most bank robbers aren't compelled to rob banks but do it by conscious choice.
We are all responsible for what we say in our realities because we made the choice to say them. In the heat of an argument you call your girlfriend or wife a stupid ignorant whore and she gets hurt by the words and leaves you.
You can rationalize saying the words anyway you like, "I was angry" "She pissed me off" "she hurt me first so I hurt back" but the fact of the matter is you made a conscious choice to argue with her and you made a choice to say the words. They did come out of your mouth after all.
Of course you could always claim an alien took over your body and it wasn't really you that said the words. However the choice you could have made, not to argue would have been the best but you didn't make that choice. You chose a different option.
Get it yet? We all control our own reality. At least 99.9999% do. Yes, even the poor, the rich and everyone in between. You absolutely allways have two choices. Yes or no, good or bad, etc.
Circumstances may put you in a position in which it looks like you have no choice but you will always have two no matter what. One will just be so bad you can't even consider it and assume you have no choice but you do. You always do, even with no brainers.
Sometimes you have to many choices but that's a nice position to be in. Not everyone is comfortable with to many choices and get afraid of making the wrong choice or get so confused they can't make a choice at all. Like children in a toy store.
What happened in your past reality doesn't really matter now. You should have learned from it and then left it in the past where it belongs. That can be very hard to do. Particularly in my case.
Practically every decision I make is colored one way or another by what happened to me in the past. Everyone has that problem and needs to learn how to overcome it. When you choose your own reality, what and who you allow in it, you have made a start in the right direction.
As you get better at controlling your own reality you will discover you can live without a lot of people you thought you couldn't. If some lies to you all the time why do you let them into your reality? If someone steals from you why do you let them in your reality? If someone mistreats you why do you let them in your reality?
It is your reality after all. You get to choose the rules, morals and ethics of people you allow to be close to you in your reality. I've excluded several people from my reality in the last week for failing to meet the minimum expectations I have for people in my private reality.
When something or someone causes more bad feelings, more feeling of anger, irritation or impatience than they cause good feelings you really should think about removing them from your reality or at least pushing them away so there is more distance between you.
In other words you get to choose how happy you are going to be, how much drama you want to put up with, etc. It is your reality so you get to choose everything in it. Choose to keep things in your reality because they make you happy or feel good and get rid of the things that make you feel bad.
I have people, who when they call I immediately answer the phone. There are others who I don't answer but if they leave a message I'll probably listen to it and then there are those who I don't answer at all and delete their messages without listening to them. It's my choice. It's also yours.
Choose wisely who you let in your reality and you will be happier. Yeah, some of your present reality is bad, so is some of mine. So you works at a crappy job. Change it. It is your choice. Yes, you do have to support your family and yes jobs may be hard to find but focus on what you want, keep working at it and you will find a job you like and that you can support your family on.
Just wishing isn't going to change your reality one little bit. You need to make the choice to do it and then the work to make it happen. If you don't then learn to be happy in your reality.
I am changing mine. You can change yours.
That line of thinking leads to some interesting speculation that maybe it's our perceived realities that are wrong and insane peoples that are correct. Perhaps they see what's really there and we have learned to cover it up or ignore it so don't believe it exists. Just because we can't see it or understand it doesn't mean it isn't true.
We all create our own realities and we all choose which people we let into our private realities. We even have some choice in our public realities. We exercise this in public by where we shop, where we eat, what we buy, etc.
If we are mistreated somewhere we don't generally go back, if the salespeople at one store are rude we go to a different store, if we don't like the food we go someplace else to eat the next time. Accept this as fact because it is how we do things.
Our private realities are a different story. There we create them totally, They are ours and we are responsible for them. We are responsible for who we allow in them. Yes, we are, you do choose your friends don't you? You do chose to answer the phone for some people and let others go to voice mail. Isn't caller ID a wonderful thing.
We are responsible for our acts because it's our reality and we made the choice to do them. Most bank robbers aren't compelled to rob banks but do it by conscious choice.
We are all responsible for what we say in our realities because we made the choice to say them. In the heat of an argument you call your girlfriend or wife a stupid ignorant whore and she gets hurt by the words and leaves you.
You can rationalize saying the words anyway you like, "I was angry" "She pissed me off" "she hurt me first so I hurt back" but the fact of the matter is you made a conscious choice to argue with her and you made a choice to say the words. They did come out of your mouth after all.
Of course you could always claim an alien took over your body and it wasn't really you that said the words. However the choice you could have made, not to argue would have been the best but you didn't make that choice. You chose a different option.
Get it yet? We all control our own reality. At least 99.9999% do. Yes, even the poor, the rich and everyone in between. You absolutely allways have two choices. Yes or no, good or bad, etc.
Circumstances may put you in a position in which it looks like you have no choice but you will always have two no matter what. One will just be so bad you can't even consider it and assume you have no choice but you do. You always do, even with no brainers.
Sometimes you have to many choices but that's a nice position to be in. Not everyone is comfortable with to many choices and get afraid of making the wrong choice or get so confused they can't make a choice at all. Like children in a toy store.
What happened in your past reality doesn't really matter now. You should have learned from it and then left it in the past where it belongs. That can be very hard to do. Particularly in my case.
Practically every decision I make is colored one way or another by what happened to me in the past. Everyone has that problem and needs to learn how to overcome it. When you choose your own reality, what and who you allow in it, you have made a start in the right direction.
As you get better at controlling your own reality you will discover you can live without a lot of people you thought you couldn't. If some lies to you all the time why do you let them into your reality? If someone steals from you why do you let them in your reality? If someone mistreats you why do you let them in your reality?
It is your reality after all. You get to choose the rules, morals and ethics of people you allow to be close to you in your reality. I've excluded several people from my reality in the last week for failing to meet the minimum expectations I have for people in my private reality.
When something or someone causes more bad feelings, more feeling of anger, irritation or impatience than they cause good feelings you really should think about removing them from your reality or at least pushing them away so there is more distance between you.
In other words you get to choose how happy you are going to be, how much drama you want to put up with, etc. It is your reality so you get to choose everything in it. Choose to keep things in your reality because they make you happy or feel good and get rid of the things that make you feel bad.
I have people, who when they call I immediately answer the phone. There are others who I don't answer but if they leave a message I'll probably listen to it and then there are those who I don't answer at all and delete their messages without listening to them. It's my choice. It's also yours.
Choose wisely who you let in your reality and you will be happier. Yeah, some of your present reality is bad, so is some of mine. So you works at a crappy job. Change it. It is your choice. Yes, you do have to support your family and yes jobs may be hard to find but focus on what you want, keep working at it and you will find a job you like and that you can support your family on.
Just wishing isn't going to change your reality one little bit. You need to make the choice to do it and then the work to make it happen. If you don't then learn to be happy in your reality.
I am changing mine. You can change yours.
Sunday, April 1, 2007
How do you know if you are happy?
What is happiness? How does it feel? This is just another emotion I have no clue about. People tell me I am not a happy person so I'll always ask them how do you be a happy person? What does it take to have feelings of happiness? How does it feel? No one has yet given me an adequate explanation.
I've had a few girlfriends who I thought made me happy but the truth is what they did was just lessen the mental pain I have always felt. Seldom has anyone made me totally forget the mental pain. The only thing that's ever done that is adrenaline. The more of an adrenaline rush I can get the better I feel.
However adrenaline gets harder and harder to come by. Example of this is I was driving west on Interstate 90 in South Dakota. It was raining lightly, below freezing and the wind was from my right at around 45 mph. Lol, I was doing the usual 79 mph, smoking a cigarette and driving one handed as always.
All of a sudden I hit a slick spot and my car started sliding sideways. I corrected for the slide, calmly reached down and put my cigarette in the ashtray, meanwhile the car starts sliding in the opposite direction and the wind is pushing me toward the south shoulder of the interstate. Still steering with one hand I finally got the cigarette in the ashtray and got the car straightened out at the same time. Didn't even bother to take the cruise control off.
About another mile down the road it happened again and this time I got completely sideways but was able to control it again with no real problem. I even considered slowing down but hey, it was a couple of freak things so I didn't care. Then it happened again and was a little more difficult to get control off but still no big deal, to me.
No adrenaline rush from that at all but I did have a big grin on my face. Was I stupid for not slowing down? Certainly. Did I put anyone else in danger? Nope traffic was pretty sparse due to the freezing rain. Did it make me happy? Nope, not a bit.
Is happiness just a lack of bad feelings? Is it as simple as not being depressed? Just what the hell is happiness and how do you get it? I have a warm/cool place to live, I get enough to eat and have enough to support myself for a long time, I have a decent car and plenty of clothes etc. People tell me I should be very happy for what I have but it's just stuff.
For sure it beats the hell out of being homeless and hungry and I'm grateful for that but it doesn't seem to make me a happy person. I truly want to be a happy person but there don't seem to be any guide books on how to be happy.
I'm seldom in a truly bad mood but at best my moods mostly stop at neutral. Helping others with their life problems or stopping them from being abused makes me feel good for a bit but it doesn't last long and I don't have a clue if that's happy or not. I can only think of one time that I had great feelings and a big grin for hours but that was due to making 300 bucks on the net while I was taking a nap for an hour and a half. It was my first good day on the net and it felt great. People tell me that's how I should feel all the time.
Money doesn't buy happiness. Having things doesn't make me happy. I've had more things than most people ever will. New boats, cars, houses, hell I had a 7 bedroom, 3 bathroom on 2 acres at a very good fishing lake, four wheelers, motorcycles and all new furniture with all of the trimmings. Still didn't make me happy. It's just stuff. Doesn't matter to me if I drive a brand new suburban or an old pickup truck as long as it's reliable and gets me where I want to go.
Same with houses, apts, etc. As long as it keeps me warm or cool, dry and comfortable I don't care if it's a penthouse or a cheap motel room. Stuff doesn't have any meaning for me as long as it does the job I need it to do.
So how do you get to be happy? I really wish someone would answer that for me with something that works. I'd really like to know how to be happy and have weeks or months that are happy. Is happiness something you can learn, is it an absence of bad feelings. Just what is happiness? Someone explain it to me, please.
I've had a few girlfriends who I thought made me happy but the truth is what they did was just lessen the mental pain I have always felt. Seldom has anyone made me totally forget the mental pain. The only thing that's ever done that is adrenaline. The more of an adrenaline rush I can get the better I feel.
However adrenaline gets harder and harder to come by. Example of this is I was driving west on Interstate 90 in South Dakota. It was raining lightly, below freezing and the wind was from my right at around 45 mph. Lol, I was doing the usual 79 mph, smoking a cigarette and driving one handed as always.
All of a sudden I hit a slick spot and my car started sliding sideways. I corrected for the slide, calmly reached down and put my cigarette in the ashtray, meanwhile the car starts sliding in the opposite direction and the wind is pushing me toward the south shoulder of the interstate. Still steering with one hand I finally got the cigarette in the ashtray and got the car straightened out at the same time. Didn't even bother to take the cruise control off.
About another mile down the road it happened again and this time I got completely sideways but was able to control it again with no real problem. I even considered slowing down but hey, it was a couple of freak things so I didn't care. Then it happened again and was a little more difficult to get control off but still no big deal, to me.
No adrenaline rush from that at all but I did have a big grin on my face. Was I stupid for not slowing down? Certainly. Did I put anyone else in danger? Nope traffic was pretty sparse due to the freezing rain. Did it make me happy? Nope, not a bit.
Is happiness just a lack of bad feelings? Is it as simple as not being depressed? Just what the hell is happiness and how do you get it? I have a warm/cool place to live, I get enough to eat and have enough to support myself for a long time, I have a decent car and plenty of clothes etc. People tell me I should be very happy for what I have but it's just stuff.
For sure it beats the hell out of being homeless and hungry and I'm grateful for that but it doesn't seem to make me a happy person. I truly want to be a happy person but there don't seem to be any guide books on how to be happy.
I'm seldom in a truly bad mood but at best my moods mostly stop at neutral. Helping others with their life problems or stopping them from being abused makes me feel good for a bit but it doesn't last long and I don't have a clue if that's happy or not. I can only think of one time that I had great feelings and a big grin for hours but that was due to making 300 bucks on the net while I was taking a nap for an hour and a half. It was my first good day on the net and it felt great. People tell me that's how I should feel all the time.
Money doesn't buy happiness. Having things doesn't make me happy. I've had more things than most people ever will. New boats, cars, houses, hell I had a 7 bedroom, 3 bathroom on 2 acres at a very good fishing lake, four wheelers, motorcycles and all new furniture with all of the trimmings. Still didn't make me happy. It's just stuff. Doesn't matter to me if I drive a brand new suburban or an old pickup truck as long as it's reliable and gets me where I want to go.
Same with houses, apts, etc. As long as it keeps me warm or cool, dry and comfortable I don't care if it's a penthouse or a cheap motel room. Stuff doesn't have any meaning for me as long as it does the job I need it to do.
So how do you get to be happy? I really wish someone would answer that for me with something that works. I'd really like to know how to be happy and have weeks or months that are happy. Is happiness something you can learn, is it an absence of bad feelings. Just what is happiness? Someone explain it to me, please.
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