Pain, stress, depression and the mind

For some reason I've been in more than the usual amount of pain for the last few days. It hurts my legs to walk and they hurt just sitting still. No comfortable position at all. Elbows, forearms and hands are the same way.

No clue what's causing it, well, a couple of medical problems, but the pain is beyond the usual scope of increase. Hopefully it's the weather. I've had arthritis for years but have been able to mostly ignore it or get by with ibuprofen.

I've got a very high pain threshold, lol, perhaps that's why, even at my size, I won so many fights with people bigger than me. I could ignore more damage than most people. Point is I'm up to Tylenol 3s and most people would be getting some really heavy duty pain killers. So why don't I?

Because then I can't function as I want to. Short term, no problem, long term, big problem. If you can't function as you want to what is the point of being alive. Then again, a permanently altered reality might be very interesting.

Then maybe I wouldn't have feelings and memories. Particularly ones I can't seem to suppress anymore. Now there's a whole nother subject. Suppressed memories almost always filter thru the subconscious first.

Anyway, the pain interferes with suppression of feelings and memories. Now I'm learning to replace the bad memories with good memories. Which in theory won't cause as much stress which equals less pain which equals less concentration required to control the rest.

Lol, I know I'm not going crazy because I question the sanity of it but now I'm substituting made up memories and making them real enough so my subconscious will believe them and act on them rather than the true memories.

IOW I'm building a new reality, small memory by small memory. I wonder if it will become real enough that I actually believe it. Denial is a very strong fault that could be put to good use. Now there's a subject I'm going to have to look up. Something I know absolutely nothing about. Actual memory replacement.

Funny that writing all of this depressing stuff is actually helping me. Oh well, it gets less depressing, to me at least because in a couple of weeks I'll have chronologically aged to where things get to be fun. Lol, I turned 13 in 1960. Sex, drugs and rock and roll. Ban the bomb, burn your bra and free love.

I had a wild time.

Bored to death and glad to move back to IA

We didn't spend a lot of time in MN this time but it was about as much boredom as I could handle. The more I think about it the more I really didn't like that town, still don't as far as that goes.

We moved back to Sioux City, same stupid low income apts and right next to my grandparents apt building. The kids I knew had moved but some different ones had moved in. I knew the area so it was cool. I could run wild again and do what ever I wanted to do.

Lol, the first thing I did was go across the street for donuts. I pigged out on them, again, for about a month. Damn donut machine still fascinated me too.

Once again I was way ahead in school so that was boring. I was still getting beat by my mother and occassionally by my stepfather but nothing I couldn't handle. Had a few fights with kids at school because I was the new kid, again. I kicked ass tho and wasn't afraid of anyone or anything so most people left me alone.

Teachers were happy because I'd sit in back and be quiet and read. I pretty much did whatever I wanted in school and once again my mother wouldn't let me skip a grade. I couldn't wait until I was 16 and could put a stop to the school stupidity.

By then I knew I was never going to be happy in school. It was to easy for me and I couldn't and wouldn't fit the mold they tried to make me fit into. I may have said this before but it's still a cool quote and I still feel the same way today. "You laugh at me because I'm different but I laugh at you because you are all the same."

I've never been a leader even tho I'm out in front most of the time. I've never, ever been a follower because followers are sheep. I go my own way and do my own thing and if others don't like it that's just to bad.

I don't take orders well, never have and never will. Asking me will work much better than telling me. I suppose that's why I've worked for myself as much as I've worked for others. Stupidity drives me crazy, mentally slow people drive me crazy, people who can't make decisions drive me crazy. Lol, yeah, I know, it's a short trip.

I knew practically every foot of Sioux City within two miles of where I lived. I knew every hidey hole, dead end and ways to get from one place to another without being seen. I still have the same habit when I move someplace. I'll drive all the roads in the town and in the surrounding area. I seldom go the same way twice to get anywhere.

I don't mind getting lost but consider it just another unplanned exploring experience. Lol, I've had more than a few of those. You do find some interesting things that way tho. Some times more interesting than I want but I can and could deal with it.

So we live back in Sioux City and I'm marginally content. Only because I'm pretty much unsupervised for 12 hours a day or more.

Lots of people in my life have told me I'm spoiled but what they don't get and never will get is I'm the one who spoiled me. I did what I wanted, when I wanted and where I wanted and had no fear of the consequences. What? They gonna beat me more, pffft, who cared. Gonna beat me to death. Damn, I was hoping they would.

I know the older I got the harder I was to deal with because I just didn't give a damn what happened. By now I was beyond anyones help. Not that anyone cared. Parents were to busy drinking to worry about me unless I got into trouble somewhere. Then I'd get beat. Big deal.

I've done pretty much what ever I felt like doing and still do as long as I think it's the right thing to do. Heh, yes, I'm the one who gets to decide if it's the right thing. As long as it doesn't violate my rules it's cool. Consequences? Bah, doesn't matter as long as I feel I was doing the right thing. That's a subject for another day tho.

Nothing much exciting happened living there this time. Only two things I can remember and I'll tell you about them tomorrow or the next day.