Lol, I expect someone to come out of the woodwork for my glamorizing my sex escapades again. However no glamour to it, it's just what happened.
I was going to go through these girls one at a time but it's just to many in the 4 years or so I was there.
Now to be fair, I was a bad boy type. You know, the kind your mother didn't want you hanging around with and if you were a girl that was even worse.
Back then everyone wore slacks but jeans were cheap so that's what I wore. Believe it or not you could get 3 pair of Levis for 5 bucks back then. I also wore boots rather than shoes. Another thing that made you a bad person. You should also know I listened to devil music better know as rock and roll. ;) Hmm, would that be rap nowdays.
Girls were easy and I mean girls from 13 to 50. Sheesh, I slept with two of the Mayors daughters, My English teachers daughter, my guidance counselors daughter and a ton of others.
I played the part of the moody bad boy and at parties I often sat alone in the corner and watched. There'd be a constant parade of girls coming over and trying to cheer me up or get me to dance. I'd take my pick for the night.
Besides the girls I went to school with there were a ton more. LeMars is a college town and I slept with lots of college girls. Had an interesting yer after I got my first car. College girls galore and most were more advanced than me at 15 and 16.
Slept with my first Asian, Black and Native American chick in the same year. A couple of over 40 women in that same year.
They all knew what was in store when the went out with me. I was sorta cruel about it. There was so much free sex running around and available to me that if I took a girl out to park and she said no at any point I'd say okay, start up the car and take her home. Then I'd go pick up one I knew would have sex and go back out and park.
More than likely the one I had just gotten rid of would call me in a day or two and beg me to take her out again. So I did. Only a couple I had to take home twice, the rest got the hint from the first time.
Funny tho, I never slept with the town slut. Lol, every town has one and you usually know who she is by 8th or 10th grade. We were just never free at the same times. Did sleep with her shy cousin a lot tho.
All in all there were only three girls I really cared about all the time I lived there. One broke my heart, I broke ones heart and the other was mutual, we broke each others hearts.
By the time I was 18 I'd slept with over 50 different chicks and that was about 7 times the national average for all men, at the time. I still don't have a problem with picking up women and I'm a lot farther over the national average now, even tho it's risen about 250% since then.
MOF I have the picking up and dating part down pat, it's the relationship part I really suck at. Hmmm, do you suppose with all the girlfriends I was trying to replace the love I never got from my mother? Duh, that's an easy one. Depressing but easy.
I'd say that I'm still trying to replace it to this day. The need to be cuddled and held is almost overwhelming somedays. Particularly if my depression is really bad.
In some respects I was very lucky. I'd never, ever used a condom in my life until about two years ago. I only have one child and I've never had a sexually transmitted disease. Lol, had crabs once but you can get them even with a condom. Funny, got them from a upper class rich chick.
So lots of girls, even more sex and lots of angry depression. All I can say is James Dean was a wuss. ;)
Showing posts with label friends. girls. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. girls. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Saturday, November 17, 2007
No depression, except the normal stress and anxiety
Here I was, LeMars Iowa, a young kid who turned 13 in 1960. I had one hell of a lot of fun in the 60's and some not so fun moments but mostly I love the 60's and 70's.
I was a rebel and I fit right in the era. However I didn't fit with the hippies nor did I fit with the bad asses. Funny, I still don't fit much of anywhere so like back then I mostly stay apart from named or labeled groups.
For a few years while living in LeMars I still got beatings from both parents. I still got molested by relatives and I tried, as in the past, to maintain a low profile, stay out of the house as much as possible and keep myself together.
I was the new kid in town so I had a few fights. Lol, some families seemed to have an inexhaustible supply of ever bigger brothers. I'd kick the crap out of the one my age and here'd come his bigger brother. Sheesh, it got old but I earned the respect I deserved from everyone.
Being the new kid in a small town is a lot like living in a flock of chickens. I upset the pecking order and it had to be figured out where I fit in the order. As usual it turns out I didn't fit. While I proclaim myself not to be a leader, it's for damn sure I'm not a follower. To hell with the pecking order, I did my own thing back then and I do it now.
The older brothers, who could kick my ass, soon found out the price was a bit higher than they wanted to pay and it got harder to kick my ass every time we fought. Soon they started telling their brothers my age to deal with it and leave them alone. In the end it was pretty much no one messed with me.
I did make some friends and we hung out together a lot. Just like now days, there was nothing much for kids to do so we got into trouble now and then because of sheer boredom. The group I hung out with wasn't known for good grades or anything else but being tough and trouble.
Lol, neither the girls or the guys. The girls back then were a lot calmer than they are now tho. The tempers were there but the girls were better able to control theirs. Also, the female pecking order was more socially oriented than physical or mental.
Girls fighting was almost unheard of and fun to watch because mostly they were hair pulling contests and someone might lose a top or the guys might get to see some skin. Nothing dangerous about it at all except for the hurt feelings for the loser.
Heh, I was reading a book about Abby Hoffman the other day and learned some things I didn't know but for the most part I lived the 60's experience to the hilt. I was a rebel then and I guess I'd have to say I still am.
Was I depressed while living in LeMars? Probably. The stress and anxiety of never knowing what was going to happen at home makes that pretty much a fact. However I never knew it as depression. I had a reputation with the girls as being a bit sad and quite moody but part of that was an act to get girls to pick me up.
Lol, at least I thought it was an act, now I'm not so sure. One thing I do know tho is that same act will still get chicks to pick you up today. There's always a babe that wants to take care of you and make you feel better. Hmmm, perhaps that's why I have so many problems with women.
Gasp, could it be I've been looking for a mother for all of these years? I'm sure that's the correct psychiatric answer but I'm not sure it's true. I suspect the answer is I never learned to feel the things for others that I should have learned when I was a child. I never learned that anyone could be depended on. I never learned how to make a relationship work.
In some ways I haven't changed much at all. In other ways I'm not even recognizable as the same person. My current girlfriend and lover remarked the other day that she was surprised at the fact I like to cuddle up with her on the couch and on how tender and gentle I am with her in bed.
Both were a major surprise to her because they certainly don't match the first impression people get. We've know each other for 8 months of so and just got together about a month ago. Yet she's still surprised. Lol, you don't get to know the real me until I decide to let you.
While shrinks may think one thing I suspect the bigger issue is trust.
I was a rebel and I fit right in the era. However I didn't fit with the hippies nor did I fit with the bad asses. Funny, I still don't fit much of anywhere so like back then I mostly stay apart from named or labeled groups.
For a few years while living in LeMars I still got beatings from both parents. I still got molested by relatives and I tried, as in the past, to maintain a low profile, stay out of the house as much as possible and keep myself together.
I was the new kid in town so I had a few fights. Lol, some families seemed to have an inexhaustible supply of ever bigger brothers. I'd kick the crap out of the one my age and here'd come his bigger brother. Sheesh, it got old but I earned the respect I deserved from everyone.
Being the new kid in a small town is a lot like living in a flock of chickens. I upset the pecking order and it had to be figured out where I fit in the order. As usual it turns out I didn't fit. While I proclaim myself not to be a leader, it's for damn sure I'm not a follower. To hell with the pecking order, I did my own thing back then and I do it now.
The older brothers, who could kick my ass, soon found out the price was a bit higher than they wanted to pay and it got harder to kick my ass every time we fought. Soon they started telling their brothers my age to deal with it and leave them alone. In the end it was pretty much no one messed with me.
I did make some friends and we hung out together a lot. Just like now days, there was nothing much for kids to do so we got into trouble now and then because of sheer boredom. The group I hung out with wasn't known for good grades or anything else but being tough and trouble.
Lol, neither the girls or the guys. The girls back then were a lot calmer than they are now tho. The tempers were there but the girls were better able to control theirs. Also, the female pecking order was more socially oriented than physical or mental.
Girls fighting was almost unheard of and fun to watch because mostly they were hair pulling contests and someone might lose a top or the guys might get to see some skin. Nothing dangerous about it at all except for the hurt feelings for the loser.
Heh, I was reading a book about Abby Hoffman the other day and learned some things I didn't know but for the most part I lived the 60's experience to the hilt. I was a rebel then and I guess I'd have to say I still am.
Was I depressed while living in LeMars? Probably. The stress and anxiety of never knowing what was going to happen at home makes that pretty much a fact. However I never knew it as depression. I had a reputation with the girls as being a bit sad and quite moody but part of that was an act to get girls to pick me up.
Lol, at least I thought it was an act, now I'm not so sure. One thing I do know tho is that same act will still get chicks to pick you up today. There's always a babe that wants to take care of you and make you feel better. Hmmm, perhaps that's why I have so many problems with women.
Gasp, could it be I've been looking for a mother for all of these years? I'm sure that's the correct psychiatric answer but I'm not sure it's true. I suspect the answer is I never learned to feel the things for others that I should have learned when I was a child. I never learned that anyone could be depended on. I never learned how to make a relationship work.
In some ways I haven't changed much at all. In other ways I'm not even recognizable as the same person. My current girlfriend and lover remarked the other day that she was surprised at the fact I like to cuddle up with her on the couch and on how tender and gentle I am with her in bed.
Both were a major surprise to her because they certainly don't match the first impression people get. We've know each other for 8 months of so and just got together about a month ago. Yet she's still surprised. Lol, you don't get to know the real me until I decide to let you.
While shrinks may think one thing I suspect the bigger issue is trust.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Sex, my Cherie Amor. Stressed but definitely not depressed.
Sex and how to deal with it on this blog is going to be something else. Like the beatings and the molestation I'm not going to tell you everytime it happened because it just happened to often with to many different females.
Lol, it's hard for me to write this because of the wording of it and trying to keep it appropriate for anyone to read. In case you hadn't noticed I tend to be a little blunt and tactless at the best of times. The proper wording doesn't elude me, it just sound so cold and sterile.
None of it was cold and sterile. It was mostly always wet, wild and one hell of a lot of fun. There are girls who don't like me anymore nor I them, now, but the sex we had was so good that now and then we could sleep together again. We just can't live together or be a couple.
That's not unusual for me. I had good teachers and I find that getting turned on is a big circle if done correctly. Lol, unlike most men I happen to like a lot of foreplay. I like to tease and contrary to what you might think I'm very soft, sensual and gentle in bed.
I was driving with a couple of guys today, from India, and they wanted to know how many women I'd been with. I didn't tell them but they stopped guessing after they hit 200. They weren't even in the ball park as you'll see later on.
Heh, I probably should have seen a shrink about that too but it was never something that bothered me. Still doesn't bother me but I realized that I was looking for love from any woman that would give it to me. Yeah, yeah, I know, to replace or make up for the love I never got from my mother.
Unfortunately for the ladies I wasn't capable of loving back. Just of breaking up and moving on when I met the next one who excited me. With one exception from the time I was 13 to 36 long term relationships just never worked. Yeah, I know, that was my fault too. WTH you expect with the way I was raised?
The way I was I probably cheated at least twice in even a two week relationship. Sex just seemed to fall into my lap. Pun intended. Still does. I seldom pursue any woman and if I do it's not for long. Mostly they chase me. Probably because I just don't pay much attention to any of them.
I was also a bad boy, the kind your mother didn't want you to meet. Naturally, rebellious girls wanted to be with me. It was just to easy most of the time.
So, anyway, I met Cherie that night. She asked where we could go and I said the only place I knew was my stepfathers car. So that's where we went. It was dark out and no one was likely to pay any attention to us parked in back of the bar.
She took the lead in everything because I flat out didn't know what to do and watching Beaver Cleaver certainly didn't each me anything. Cherie did tho.
She taught me some of the finer points of kissing and we kissed and touched for a long time. Almost to long. At least she was wearing a pair of short shorts and the usual tight sweater. Damn, she had really nice boobs. Oh hell, everything Cherie had was nice.
She gave me my first fellatio in the back of that car. Lol, not that it lasted long. Anyway, eventually we both ended up naked and she was breathing as hard as I was. We touched each other until I just couldn't stand it and begged her to let me have sex with her.
I do distinguish between having sex, making love and plain out hard core screwing. I seldom make love. I doubt I've told 10 women in my ife that I loved them. Maybe half of those I meant it really, the other half I just thought I did. Altho I did really rerealy like some of them.
Back to Cherie and I in the car. I had no clue what to do next so she showed me that too. She got underneath me and I stabbed ineffectively until she finally grabbed it and put it in for me. Then she started moving and it lasted about two whole minutes.
I loved it, it made me feel so close to her and I wanted to do it again and again and again. Lol, here comes the kicker, Cherie told me after we got dressed that we could do it together anytime I wanted. However it was going to cost me a quarter every time.
I could afford it so we spent pretty much every night that we could, together having sex. I couldn't get enough of the feelings or the closeness. It was great. The greatest thing ever. I know now that there are more important things but there weren't back then.
Sure, I still prefer hot, skinny, small breasted chicks in their 20's. Always have and always will but now at my age and health I find her mind to be more intriguing than I do the sex. There's another reason I still get different women without trying to hard at all.
I dated the oldest woman, last month that I'd dated since I was 17. She was all of 40. As silly and confused as most otf the 20 somethings tho. Now I've been semi dating a woman who is 53. We have a lot in common and I like that. She's not as young as I'd like but she understand me with out explanations. She thinks like I do and she's pretty enough for me
I feel like a stupid teenager with her. Don't act like I normally do. She makes me nervous because she's not near as forward as the rest of the girls I know. I actually have to pursue her and I don't really know how anymore. Rejections scares the hell out of me sometimes and this is one of those times.
Cherie and I had a lot of sex together before I moved. She taught me to kiss and I never had a complaint from anyone. Heh, even tho she was charging me a quarter she always made sure she came too. However she was not my girlfriend. Never was. We just had an arrangement we both really enjoyed.
Don't know what happened to her after I left but I hope she turned out okay. Somehow I suspect she turned out about like I did. To bad for her. I hope, for her sake, that she's happier than I am.
Akk the times we were doing it I didn't care about anything else. Heh, I could think of what Cherie and I did the night before, during a beating, and smile while getting beaten. Used to really piss my mother off.
I've never forgotten Cherie getting naked for us and for having sex with me and teaching me some things. The times I spent with her were some of the happiest I'd ever had.
Lol, it's hard for me to write this because of the wording of it and trying to keep it appropriate for anyone to read. In case you hadn't noticed I tend to be a little blunt and tactless at the best of times. The proper wording doesn't elude me, it just sound so cold and sterile.
None of it was cold and sterile. It was mostly always wet, wild and one hell of a lot of fun. There are girls who don't like me anymore nor I them, now, but the sex we had was so good that now and then we could sleep together again. We just can't live together or be a couple.
That's not unusual for me. I had good teachers and I find that getting turned on is a big circle if done correctly. Lol, unlike most men I happen to like a lot of foreplay. I like to tease and contrary to what you might think I'm very soft, sensual and gentle in bed.
I was driving with a couple of guys today, from India, and they wanted to know how many women I'd been with. I didn't tell them but they stopped guessing after they hit 200. They weren't even in the ball park as you'll see later on.
Heh, I probably should have seen a shrink about that too but it was never something that bothered me. Still doesn't bother me but I realized that I was looking for love from any woman that would give it to me. Yeah, yeah, I know, to replace or make up for the love I never got from my mother.
Unfortunately for the ladies I wasn't capable of loving back. Just of breaking up and moving on when I met the next one who excited me. With one exception from the time I was 13 to 36 long term relationships just never worked. Yeah, I know, that was my fault too. WTH you expect with the way I was raised?
The way I was I probably cheated at least twice in even a two week relationship. Sex just seemed to fall into my lap. Pun intended. Still does. I seldom pursue any woman and if I do it's not for long. Mostly they chase me. Probably because I just don't pay much attention to any of them.
I was also a bad boy, the kind your mother didn't want you to meet. Naturally, rebellious girls wanted to be with me. It was just to easy most of the time.
So, anyway, I met Cherie that night. She asked where we could go and I said the only place I knew was my stepfathers car. So that's where we went. It was dark out and no one was likely to pay any attention to us parked in back of the bar.
She took the lead in everything because I flat out didn't know what to do and watching Beaver Cleaver certainly didn't each me anything. Cherie did tho.
She taught me some of the finer points of kissing and we kissed and touched for a long time. Almost to long. At least she was wearing a pair of short shorts and the usual tight sweater. Damn, she had really nice boobs. Oh hell, everything Cherie had was nice.
She gave me my first fellatio in the back of that car. Lol, not that it lasted long. Anyway, eventually we both ended up naked and she was breathing as hard as I was. We touched each other until I just couldn't stand it and begged her to let me have sex with her.
I do distinguish between having sex, making love and plain out hard core screwing. I seldom make love. I doubt I've told 10 women in my ife that I loved them. Maybe half of those I meant it really, the other half I just thought I did. Altho I did really rerealy like some of them.
Back to Cherie and I in the car. I had no clue what to do next so she showed me that too. She got underneath me and I stabbed ineffectively until she finally grabbed it and put it in for me. Then she started moving and it lasted about two whole minutes.
I loved it, it made me feel so close to her and I wanted to do it again and again and again. Lol, here comes the kicker, Cherie told me after we got dressed that we could do it together anytime I wanted. However it was going to cost me a quarter every time.
I could afford it so we spent pretty much every night that we could, together having sex. I couldn't get enough of the feelings or the closeness. It was great. The greatest thing ever. I know now that there are more important things but there weren't back then.
Sure, I still prefer hot, skinny, small breasted chicks in their 20's. Always have and always will but now at my age and health I find her mind to be more intriguing than I do the sex. There's another reason I still get different women without trying to hard at all.
I dated the oldest woman, last month that I'd dated since I was 17. She was all of 40. As silly and confused as most otf the 20 somethings tho. Now I've been semi dating a woman who is 53. We have a lot in common and I like that. She's not as young as I'd like but she understand me with out explanations. She thinks like I do and she's pretty enough for me
I feel like a stupid teenager with her. Don't act like I normally do. She makes me nervous because she's not near as forward as the rest of the girls I know. I actually have to pursue her and I don't really know how anymore. Rejections scares the hell out of me sometimes and this is one of those times.
Cherie and I had a lot of sex together before I moved. She taught me to kiss and I never had a complaint from anyone. Heh, even tho she was charging me a quarter she always made sure she came too. However she was not my girlfriend. Never was. We just had an arrangement we both really enjoyed.
Don't know what happened to her after I left but I hope she turned out okay. Somehow I suspect she turned out about like I did. To bad for her. I hope, for her sake, that she's happier than I am.
Akk the times we were doing it I didn't care about anything else. Heh, I could think of what Cherie and I did the night before, during a beating, and smile while getting beaten. Used to really piss my mother off.
I've never forgotten Cherie getting naked for us and for having sex with me and teaching me some things. The times I spent with her were some of the happiest I'd ever had.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Wandering around in my head gets depressing, it's not fair.
I remember to much and I think to much. I've started trying to keep track of the time I spend, just thinking. Sometimes I think about weird things like the power of your mind or cosmic consciousness.
Sometimes I think about my past life and what I'm going to write in here. That helps me to remember incidents that have happened. Sometimes I think about how am I going to open the boxes in my mind that I have kept sealed shut for years. Opening some will be scary and depressing and possibly dangerous. They've been hidden away that long for a reason.
Most times tho I'm either trying to teach my self a new way to think via 'The Secret" which advocates how to get what you want by stating things in a positive fashion. For instance, 'I want to have a safe driving record' as opposed to 'I don't want to get a ticket'. Changing my thought process from the negative, 'I don't want' to the positive 'I do want' is working.
Most of my thinking is about what I do want to do with my life in the future. Yes, I want a pretty, skinny, intelligent woman for a great relationship and I will get that. However that's just a very small part of what I want.
Lol, I know life is not fair. Trish, the love of my life, got angry at me because she wasn't allowed to talk to me about guys she went out with but I talked to her about chicks I went out with. Sent me an angry email about how it wasn't fair. She's right, it wasn't. However it did hurt me a lot to hear about her boyfriends.
My reply to her email was as angry as hers was. Who the hell said life was fair? Who the hell said I was fair? etc. Which made her even madder so we fought more. Besides, I was getting even for her cheating on me and having someone else's baby that she told everyone was mine all thru the pregnancy. Talk about not fair.
About an hour after we finished arguing I was reading something and found an interesting quote. 'Not being able to make everything perfectly fair is no reason not to make things more fair. ' and realized I was wrong. It's one of the reasons I went on permanent vacation.
I've always tried to be fair and for me to have gone that far off from what I believed to be right was an indication of how depressed I really was and how hurt and angry at her I was. Not just at her tho.
At other chicks too. Trish has a lot of spirit and coincidentally is black, lol, and 32 years younger than me. So to get over the hurt of us breaking up, it was vicious, both times, I started going out with other black chicks. Trish wasn't from the 'hood' or the ghetto but the girls I dated after her were.
Some from Minneapolis and Atlanta but mostly from Milwaukee. Now here too. The people up north live in better houses but that's about the only difference I can see. The problems are the same, the lack of opportunity is the same, the hopelessness and despair is the same.
Even tho these girls were 30 yrs younger than me, I still met most of their parents, brothers, sisters, etc. Lol, feels a little weird being one of two white guys at a family reunion of 300. I don't know how I got talked into that.
So what's any of this got do do with my thinking to much and what I want to do in the future? Simple, I have set a goal of making 5 million dollars in the next two years. What do I want to do with the money?
Why, play the game of course. What game? The getting people to do what I want and donate money game. Right or wrong, here's the plan. If you've got a better idea tell me about it. However I know I can do this and that it's the right thing to do.
When I make enough money so I can drive fancy cars, have a fancy house and girlfriend I want to start a foundation that works exclusively with girls trying to get out of the ghetto and helps them learn to have a better life.
With the intro to rich people that I will have due to the money I have I will be able to raise a lot more money and help a lot more people. It's where most of my money will also go. I have a lot of ideas that can help. Lol, my girlfriend or wife is going to be the one out in front, not me. Semi anonymous at least or at least not the one doing the talking to the big shots and media.
I not only want to change a little corner of my world I want to change a big corner of it for other people. Some just need an emergency taken care of, some just need a ride to work, some need counseling, most need a job that pays enough to live on.
BTW, I give people here rides to work when they need them, rides to the doctor or hospital and small loans now and then. Everyone appreciates it and I even get paid back by 95%. I don't ask for gas money but every now and then someone will offer so I take it. If I refused it would hurt their dignity.
While I don't have to work, I'm not rich either. Like most people I'm on a budget and I can only do so much. However I am doing what I can do to make my little corner of the world more fair and a little nicer for me and for the people I am able to help.
That, at least, makes me feel good. Do what you can to make your part of the world more fair. It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be more fair. I know you can't help everyone but you can certainly help a friend or a neighbor who needs it. Do your part to make it more fair.
Sometimes I think about my past life and what I'm going to write in here. That helps me to remember incidents that have happened. Sometimes I think about how am I going to open the boxes in my mind that I have kept sealed shut for years. Opening some will be scary and depressing and possibly dangerous. They've been hidden away that long for a reason.
Most times tho I'm either trying to teach my self a new way to think via 'The Secret" which advocates how to get what you want by stating things in a positive fashion. For instance, 'I want to have a safe driving record' as opposed to 'I don't want to get a ticket'. Changing my thought process from the negative, 'I don't want' to the positive 'I do want' is working.
Most of my thinking is about what I do want to do with my life in the future. Yes, I want a pretty, skinny, intelligent woman for a great relationship and I will get that. However that's just a very small part of what I want.
Lol, I know life is not fair. Trish, the love of my life, got angry at me because she wasn't allowed to talk to me about guys she went out with but I talked to her about chicks I went out with. Sent me an angry email about how it wasn't fair. She's right, it wasn't. However it did hurt me a lot to hear about her boyfriends.
My reply to her email was as angry as hers was. Who the hell said life was fair? Who the hell said I was fair? etc. Which made her even madder so we fought more. Besides, I was getting even for her cheating on me and having someone else's baby that she told everyone was mine all thru the pregnancy. Talk about not fair.
About an hour after we finished arguing I was reading something and found an interesting quote. 'Not being able to make everything perfectly fair is no reason not to make things more fair. ' and realized I was wrong. It's one of the reasons I went on permanent vacation.
I've always tried to be fair and for me to have gone that far off from what I believed to be right was an indication of how depressed I really was and how hurt and angry at her I was. Not just at her tho.
At other chicks too. Trish has a lot of spirit and coincidentally is black, lol, and 32 years younger than me. So to get over the hurt of us breaking up, it was vicious, both times, I started going out with other black chicks. Trish wasn't from the 'hood' or the ghetto but the girls I dated after her were.
Some from Minneapolis and Atlanta but mostly from Milwaukee. Now here too. The people up north live in better houses but that's about the only difference I can see. The problems are the same, the lack of opportunity is the same, the hopelessness and despair is the same.
Even tho these girls were 30 yrs younger than me, I still met most of their parents, brothers, sisters, etc. Lol, feels a little weird being one of two white guys at a family reunion of 300. I don't know how I got talked into that.
So what's any of this got do do with my thinking to much and what I want to do in the future? Simple, I have set a goal of making 5 million dollars in the next two years. What do I want to do with the money?
Why, play the game of course. What game? The getting people to do what I want and donate money game. Right or wrong, here's the plan. If you've got a better idea tell me about it. However I know I can do this and that it's the right thing to do.
When I make enough money so I can drive fancy cars, have a fancy house and girlfriend I want to start a foundation that works exclusively with girls trying to get out of the ghetto and helps them learn to have a better life.
With the intro to rich people that I will have due to the money I have I will be able to raise a lot more money and help a lot more people. It's where most of my money will also go. I have a lot of ideas that can help. Lol, my girlfriend or wife is going to be the one out in front, not me. Semi anonymous at least or at least not the one doing the talking to the big shots and media.
I not only want to change a little corner of my world I want to change a big corner of it for other people. Some just need an emergency taken care of, some just need a ride to work, some need counseling, most need a job that pays enough to live on.
BTW, I give people here rides to work when they need them, rides to the doctor or hospital and small loans now and then. Everyone appreciates it and I even get paid back by 95%. I don't ask for gas money but every now and then someone will offer so I take it. If I refused it would hurt their dignity.
While I don't have to work, I'm not rich either. Like most people I'm on a budget and I can only do so much. However I am doing what I can do to make my little corner of the world more fair and a little nicer for me and for the people I am able to help.
That, at least, makes me feel good. Do what you can to make your part of the world more fair. It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be more fair. I know you can't help everyone but you can certainly help a friend or a neighbor who needs it. Do your part to make it more fair.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Dating and depression don't go together very well
Dating sucks and depression doesn't help it at all. Nor does the fact I'm really picky. I had a knock on my door a couple of days ago and it was an idiot I met at the motel pool, along with a chick. He's dumber than a stump and thinks he's really slick but the chick was kind of hot.
He introduced us and we talked for a bit on the balcony and then she asked if she could come in. I said sure she could and I told the guy to hit the road.
Lynn told me she'd seen me two different times in Wal-Mart and was afraid to talk to me because I was old and white and she didn't know if I liked younger black chicks or not. There's a black checkout girl I flirt with and it turns out they are friends so Lynn asked her friend if she knew anything about me.
Her friend told her I must like black girls because I always flirted with her when I was getting checked out. She also told her she knew I was staying at the motel. Then the dumb doofus, who it turns out dates her sister now and then, was talking to her sister about meeting this old guy at the motel and Lynn figured out it was me so she asked him to introduce us.
She stayed and talked with me for about an hour and then asked me if I'd give her a ride home as her daughter was coming home from school and she needed to be there. So I gave her a ride home and on the way she told me she'd come back after her daughter went to bed.
I gave her my phone number so she could call if anything changed and she said cool, she'd be here just after 8 PM. We were going to go out and eat and talk more. She never showed up and she never called.
The next morning she showed up and I was in the office playing with baby T. When I got done playing with baby one of the maids told me she'd been here knocking on my door. While I was walking across the parking lot I saw her coming from next door so I waited for her.
She came in and we talked some more and she tried to BS me about why she never called. She'd been telling me how smart she was so I let her keep talking and making excuses. Biggest excuse was it was long distance to call my cell phone. So I asked her why she didn't call the room phone as it's a local number?
More BS followed and more excuses so I cut that conversation off and we talked about other things for awhile. Then she asked me if I could take her to run an errand and I said sure. Should have taken all of 15 minutes but then she wanted to pick up a girlfriend and I said okay.
We picked her up, then she saw a guy she knew walking and hollered at him so we gave him a ride and then yet another guy. I'm interested in listening to her and how she is with her friends so I didn't say to much. Just watched and listened.
After 3 hours of screwing around we dropped the guys off and she asked me to take her and her girlfriend back to her house for a minute. So back to her place we went. She picked up most of her junk in the car and headed in saying she'd be right back. Then she hollered at her girlfriend to come in.
A minute later the GF came back to get the rest of her stuff and told me Lynn said she'd have her brother in law bring her over in about 10 minutes or so. I said okay and the GF headed back in when I noticed she'd forgotten something so I honked at her.
She came back to see what I wanted and I handed it to her. I'd been thinking ever since Lynn went in and because I'd been listening I told her to tell Lynn to just forget it. Then I drove off. While I was listening I learned she didn't meet most of my requirements for a relationship so why waste anymore time on her.
She thought she was going to get me to buy her some clothes and other stuff later on and turns out she was more interested in money than in me. So bye bye baby. Lol, haven't seen her since. It's freaking bad enough being depressed without going out with someone you can't rely on.
Problem is she did make me realize how much I missed being with a female. No big deal, she kinda fell into my lap accidentally and I know when I am less depressed I'll find someone who suits me. That's one thing I learned from the secret and from double your dating email course I'd signed up for a couple of years ago.
I have a small site about dating at Dating Hot Women and I've used what I learned from the course quite successfully. Lol, it's the biggest reason I've had so many different girlfriends the last two years.
So here I sit, depressed and dateless. Like the man said, "This to shall pass". The only thing I know for sure is I will find a female who meets the majority of my requirements sooner or later.
He introduced us and we talked for a bit on the balcony and then she asked if she could come in. I said sure she could and I told the guy to hit the road.
Lynn told me she'd seen me two different times in Wal-Mart and was afraid to talk to me because I was old and white and she didn't know if I liked younger black chicks or not. There's a black checkout girl I flirt with and it turns out they are friends so Lynn asked her friend if she knew anything about me.
Her friend told her I must like black girls because I always flirted with her when I was getting checked out. She also told her she knew I was staying at the motel. Then the dumb doofus, who it turns out dates her sister now and then, was talking to her sister about meeting this old guy at the motel and Lynn figured out it was me so she asked him to introduce us.
She stayed and talked with me for about an hour and then asked me if I'd give her a ride home as her daughter was coming home from school and she needed to be there. So I gave her a ride home and on the way she told me she'd come back after her daughter went to bed.
I gave her my phone number so she could call if anything changed and she said cool, she'd be here just after 8 PM. We were going to go out and eat and talk more. She never showed up and she never called.
The next morning she showed up and I was in the office playing with baby T. When I got done playing with baby one of the maids told me she'd been here knocking on my door. While I was walking across the parking lot I saw her coming from next door so I waited for her.
She came in and we talked some more and she tried to BS me about why she never called. She'd been telling me how smart she was so I let her keep talking and making excuses. Biggest excuse was it was long distance to call my cell phone. So I asked her why she didn't call the room phone as it's a local number?
More BS followed and more excuses so I cut that conversation off and we talked about other things for awhile. Then she asked me if I could take her to run an errand and I said sure. Should have taken all of 15 minutes but then she wanted to pick up a girlfriend and I said okay.
We picked her up, then she saw a guy she knew walking and hollered at him so we gave him a ride and then yet another guy. I'm interested in listening to her and how she is with her friends so I didn't say to much. Just watched and listened.
After 3 hours of screwing around we dropped the guys off and she asked me to take her and her girlfriend back to her house for a minute. So back to her place we went. She picked up most of her junk in the car and headed in saying she'd be right back. Then she hollered at her girlfriend to come in.
A minute later the GF came back to get the rest of her stuff and told me Lynn said she'd have her brother in law bring her over in about 10 minutes or so. I said okay and the GF headed back in when I noticed she'd forgotten something so I honked at her.
She came back to see what I wanted and I handed it to her. I'd been thinking ever since Lynn went in and because I'd been listening I told her to tell Lynn to just forget it. Then I drove off. While I was listening I learned she didn't meet most of my requirements for a relationship so why waste anymore time on her.
She thought she was going to get me to buy her some clothes and other stuff later on and turns out she was more interested in money than in me. So bye bye baby. Lol, haven't seen her since. It's freaking bad enough being depressed without going out with someone you can't rely on.
Problem is she did make me realize how much I missed being with a female. No big deal, she kinda fell into my lap accidentally and I know when I am less depressed I'll find someone who suits me. That's one thing I learned from the secret and from double your dating email course I'd signed up for a couple of years ago.
I have a small site about dating at Dating Hot Women and I've used what I learned from the course quite successfully. Lol, it's the biggest reason I've had so many different girlfriends the last two years.
So here I sit, depressed and dateless. Like the man said, "This to shall pass". The only thing I know for sure is I will find a female who meets the majority of my requirements sooner or later.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Really depressed in Sioux City, Iowa
As I said before my father wanted me to stay and my mother forced me to leave with her and my sister. I did my best not to go with her but I was little and I lost the battle. So we moved to Sioux City, Iowa to live with my mothers parents.
They lived in a small 1 bedroom apt which was fine for them but when you added 3 more people it was almost as bad as living in the house behind my paternal grandmothers. The only thing that made it better was my grandparents had tv and an inside bathroom.
I have no idea how to describe the area in politcally correct terms but it was not an upscale area. West 8th and Perry is as close as I can remember. For me it was pretty much culture shock and way, way to many people.
I'd seldom been out of the area I was born in and have no real memories of traveling anywhere except to the lake and stopping at places that were near the lake. TV was something I'd seldom seen and people who were any color but white were totally new to me. I didn't even know they existed.
Several of the chicks I've dated have remarked that I'm one of the few people they know who just isn't much concerned about color. We've even had conversations about why that is. I suspect that growing up without hearing a prejudice word about anyone may have had a lot to do with it that and the fact I didn't know anyone or have any opinions.
Still don't have any opinions for that matter. To me chicks are chicks and I like them all. Some better than others but that has more to do with personality than anything else. For the last several years I've dated more non white girls than anyone else. I was shocked when one girl asked me if I would go out with and be seen in public with her. My reply was why wouldn't I? You are beautiful, intelligent and fun and I'd be proud to be seen with you anywhere.
Her reply was, but I'm black. Lol, she was right about that. She was not light skinned or even medium toned, she was about as black as it gets. I told her not a problem for me and that most people would think it was a bigger problem that she was 35 years younger than me and 6 inches taller. Big freaking deal, she's a girl and I'm a guy and that's all that mattered.
Carmen put me to the test and we went out a few times. Held hands, kissed in public, walked arm in arm and did everything I'd do with any girl I went out with. We don't see each other anymore but that's because she moved to a different area of the country. I hope she finds a nice guy and has a great life because she's a nice girl and she deserves it.
Anyway, to get back to the subject. We moved to what was a very poor or depressed area. You'll never guess who lived next door. Two black families with kids my age. We played together every day for almost 18 months without a problem. Well, with the usual problems kids have with each other but nothing about color at all.
I also met Hispanic, Asian and Native American kids and never had problems with any of them either. We were all poor, we were all kids and we all played together. To this day I'm thankful that I met all of them and that we all had fun together.
Funny, baby T's heritage is 100% from India. Her mom has been here 7 or 9 yrs and her dad for a couple. Tonight she and I met 4 of the most gorgeous, polite, well behaved little girls I've met in a long time. Absolutely wonderful kids. So we have a little Indian girl leading an old white guy around and baby T talking to 4 children of the maintenance guy at the motel who just happen to be black. He and I have talked a few times but I'd never met his kids before. To me this is life as it should be.
Anyway, life in Sioux City was a bit better but still not great. I didn't get beat as much because my mother didn't dare do it on front of my grandfather. I never got the impression he liked me tho. Just tolerated me. I still got slapped, hit, pinched and beat, just not around my grandfather and seldom in front of my grandmother.
My grandmother hit me a time or two and one time she grabbed my arm so hard she left puncture marks with all 5 of her finger nails. She cried and she never hit or grabbed me that way again. Still, both favored my sister over me and I knew that. Hey, at least I had friends to play with and tv to watch.
So we moved and my life got a little better. The best thing was I wasn't being molested several times a week or more and I wasn't being beat 3/4ths to death. I was still depressed, missed my dad and my grandparents a lot and had even less than I'd had before.
Hell of a way to learn that a bike that's to big, to old and falling apart is better than no bike at all. That living close to a library is a good thing and having lakes to go to was even better. I didn't have much in Minnesota and I had even less in Iowa.
I don't remember being as depressed there but I still stayed out of the way of adults when it was possible. So my adventure being out in the real world begins.
They lived in a small 1 bedroom apt which was fine for them but when you added 3 more people it was almost as bad as living in the house behind my paternal grandmothers. The only thing that made it better was my grandparents had tv and an inside bathroom.
I have no idea how to describe the area in politcally correct terms but it was not an upscale area. West 8th and Perry is as close as I can remember. For me it was pretty much culture shock and way, way to many people.
I'd seldom been out of the area I was born in and have no real memories of traveling anywhere except to the lake and stopping at places that were near the lake. TV was something I'd seldom seen and people who were any color but white were totally new to me. I didn't even know they existed.
Several of the chicks I've dated have remarked that I'm one of the few people they know who just isn't much concerned about color. We've even had conversations about why that is. I suspect that growing up without hearing a prejudice word about anyone may have had a lot to do with it that and the fact I didn't know anyone or have any opinions.
Still don't have any opinions for that matter. To me chicks are chicks and I like them all. Some better than others but that has more to do with personality than anything else. For the last several years I've dated more non white girls than anyone else. I was shocked when one girl asked me if I would go out with and be seen in public with her. My reply was why wouldn't I? You are beautiful, intelligent and fun and I'd be proud to be seen with you anywhere.
Her reply was, but I'm black. Lol, she was right about that. She was not light skinned or even medium toned, she was about as black as it gets. I told her not a problem for me and that most people would think it was a bigger problem that she was 35 years younger than me and 6 inches taller. Big freaking deal, she's a girl and I'm a guy and that's all that mattered.
Carmen put me to the test and we went out a few times. Held hands, kissed in public, walked arm in arm and did everything I'd do with any girl I went out with. We don't see each other anymore but that's because she moved to a different area of the country. I hope she finds a nice guy and has a great life because she's a nice girl and she deserves it.
Anyway, to get back to the subject. We moved to what was a very poor or depressed area. You'll never guess who lived next door. Two black families with kids my age. We played together every day for almost 18 months without a problem. Well, with the usual problems kids have with each other but nothing about color at all.
I also met Hispanic, Asian and Native American kids and never had problems with any of them either. We were all poor, we were all kids and we all played together. To this day I'm thankful that I met all of them and that we all had fun together.
Funny, baby T's heritage is 100% from India. Her mom has been here 7 or 9 yrs and her dad for a couple. Tonight she and I met 4 of the most gorgeous, polite, well behaved little girls I've met in a long time. Absolutely wonderful kids. So we have a little Indian girl leading an old white guy around and baby T talking to 4 children of the maintenance guy at the motel who just happen to be black. He and I have talked a few times but I'd never met his kids before. To me this is life as it should be.
Anyway, life in Sioux City was a bit better but still not great. I didn't get beat as much because my mother didn't dare do it on front of my grandfather. I never got the impression he liked me tho. Just tolerated me. I still got slapped, hit, pinched and beat, just not around my grandfather and seldom in front of my grandmother.
My grandmother hit me a time or two and one time she grabbed my arm so hard she left puncture marks with all 5 of her finger nails. She cried and she never hit or grabbed me that way again. Still, both favored my sister over me and I knew that. Hey, at least I had friends to play with and tv to watch.
So we moved and my life got a little better. The best thing was I wasn't being molested several times a week or more and I wasn't being beat 3/4ths to death. I was still depressed, missed my dad and my grandparents a lot and had even less than I'd had before.
Hell of a way to learn that a bike that's to big, to old and falling apart is better than no bike at all. That living close to a library is a good thing and having lakes to go to was even better. I didn't have much in Minnesota and I had even less in Iowa.
I don't remember being as depressed there but I still stayed out of the way of adults when it was possible. So my adventure being out in the real world begins.
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