I don't know if it's depression but my girlfriends made me very angry. At least this time I finally got to the end of why it makes me angry. Once again, it's one of those things I think I should have figured out years ago.
We get along pretty good as a couple despite the problems she has and our other differences. We decided to move in together last Sept for money saving reasons. We'd know and liked each other since March 2007. Two of her grandchildren live with us so it was kind of a shock to my system as I much prefer to be alone.
Gradually we fell in love and most of the time I know she loves me. There are a few things that will turn that knowing off almost instantly. She takes good care of me, cooks for me, washes clothes for me and keeps the house looking nice. Lol, she even irons my pants and my pullover knit shits.
When we first met she was a yeller. She yelled at everyone about everything they did wrong. She yelled at me once and we had a three day fight during which I left and wouldn't answer my phone. I won't tolerate being yelled at as it reminds me of my mother and I also think it's very childish and out of control.
I don't like noise and her grandchildren were quite loud and so was she. Banging cupboard doors, slamming doors, dishes and anything else that can make loud noise. We talked that one out and she stopped it.
The other day she called me at 12:50 PM and said she was at her brothers after work and that she had called for her ride and would be home in 30-40 minutes. When 1:30 PM came and she wasn't home I decided to take a nap. At 3:40 the phone rang and woke me up but they hung up before I answered. Didn't recognize the number.
Now I'm really pissed because she isn't home and hasn't called. IMO she should have called at 1:30 when she KNEW she wasn't going to be home when she said. However when her granddaughter got home from school she called. Then she wanted to know if I wanted anything from Subway. My reply. NO!
I felt she was trying to buy me off because she knew she messed up and I was pissed. I was right too. She admitted it. You can't buy me. My mother used to do that and to this day it pisses me off when people try. You can't repair emotional pain by bringing me food or gifts. MOF I'm as likely to throw it in the garbage right in front of you as anything else.
Anyway, she tells me she loves me but her friends and her beer were more important to her than calling me to let me know she wasn't going to be home on time. To me that's not love, that means, to me that when I'm not around you forget about me and don't care what I feel or how worried I might be.
If you don't care about me enough to call me and let me know you are going to be late then it makes me feel like I'm being played and used rather than loved. If you don't call it makes me feel as if everything else you did was just so you could get something from me. It invalidates everything you have ever told me or shown me about loving me and makes it all a lie just to get what you want.
When she or anyone else hurts me I withdraw from them totally. I become very cold and hard hearted and do things to hurt them back. After all, if you don't care enough to call me you must not love me so I'm not going to show you I love you either. You hurt me so I'm going to hurt you back.
Leftovers from the way my mother used to treat me and the things she did. I believe in what peoples actions show and not what their words say. I learned that before I was 5.
I never followed that line of reasoning to the end before. I always told the other chicks it was just total disrespect and I wouldn't put up with it. It is and I feel you don't do that to someone you love. No more than you would cheat on someone you say you love.
Of course when you've never let your feelings exist it's hard to explain why you feel the way you do and what reasonable or unreasonable thing caused it. When everything in a relationship is invalidated it hurts to think you've been played.
Problem is now I don't know how to react to something like that. It makes me feel hurt and angry and I want to hurt back. If she doesn't love me then why shouldn't I hurt back. Actions speak louder than words. At least now I understand why it makes me so angry. I don;t know how to stop it tho.
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Friday, April 25, 2008
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Writing about depression is depressing
Somedays it's really depressing to come here and write about being depressed all of my life. I don't like it and I don't always want to do it but I manage to on most days.
People have told me all of my life that I should write my life story. I could never understand why, still don't, but that's what this is going to be in the end. I know I'm missing things and I know I get tired of repeating things.
The abuse happened on a daily basis but I don't want to write about every little or big piece of abuse that happened. It's boring and depressing at the same time. It was just normal to me. Not as bad as some peoples and worse than others.
I was frequently beaten with belts, sticks, switches, ping pong paddles, coat hangers, hands, fists, feet etc. What ever was handy at the time. I was burned once that I can remember.
Verbally I was called names, humiliated in front of others, belittled, made fun of and every other way you can verbally abuse a person. I was screamed at frequently. Mostly by my mother.
I can't even begin to describe how it made me feel and I won't bother to try. I've said before I'm seriously understated and you'll just have to fill in the blanks as best you can. I will say that if you imagine the worst you'll probably be close.
Thinking about it and writing about it makes me sad. Depressed and very, very sad. It also gives me headaches now and then. My life is going to get better as I get older but it's also going to get worse as I get older in this retelling.
Parts of it will even seem normal but for the most part I was trying to be normal and fit in. IOW it was an act and I could never keep it up for a sustained period of time. Altho at one point I did manage 13 yrs of semi normality.
Then there's the INTJ personality thing. Then there's my ADD but I managed to turn that into an asset as I got older. Throw some serious anger into the mix and some serious depression and a huge need for adrenaline and voila, you get me.
So my life has been a big mess most of the time. Still is but I can live with that too because that's how it's always been.
People have told me all of my life that I should write my life story. I could never understand why, still don't, but that's what this is going to be in the end. I know I'm missing things and I know I get tired of repeating things.
The abuse happened on a daily basis but I don't want to write about every little or big piece of abuse that happened. It's boring and depressing at the same time. It was just normal to me. Not as bad as some peoples and worse than others.
I was frequently beaten with belts, sticks, switches, ping pong paddles, coat hangers, hands, fists, feet etc. What ever was handy at the time. I was burned once that I can remember.
Verbally I was called names, humiliated in front of others, belittled, made fun of and every other way you can verbally abuse a person. I was screamed at frequently. Mostly by my mother.
I can't even begin to describe how it made me feel and I won't bother to try. I've said before I'm seriously understated and you'll just have to fill in the blanks as best you can. I will say that if you imagine the worst you'll probably be close.
Thinking about it and writing about it makes me sad. Depressed and very, very sad. It also gives me headaches now and then. My life is going to get better as I get older but it's also going to get worse as I get older in this retelling.
Parts of it will even seem normal but for the most part I was trying to be normal and fit in. IOW it was an act and I could never keep it up for a sustained period of time. Altho at one point I did manage 13 yrs of semi normality.
Then there's the INTJ personality thing. Then there's my ADD but I managed to turn that into an asset as I got older. Throw some serious anger into the mix and some serious depression and a huge need for adrenaline and voila, you get me.
So my life has been a big mess most of the time. Still is but I can live with that too because that's how it's always been.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Stressed and depressed after moving to MN
The bitch who gave birth to me got married to my stepfather somewhere. Don't exactly know where and for sure don't care. I didn't like it and her and my sister may have needed someone to take care of them but I sure as hell didn't.
That attitude has prevailed all of my life. I don't ask for help, I don't need anyone and until recently I didn't really want anyone. I never let myself get close to people, I don't trust people and the only emotion I ever showed was anger or irritation. All they ever did was let me down and hurt me. With the exception of my paternal grandmother.
This attitude worked for me all of my life. It doesn't work for anyone else tho. Others I know have tried to be like me and they couldn't because they all had emotions they couldn't control. How I am worked pretty well for me. Heh, if you leave out the relationship part.
I was quite fine until Pattie made me fall in love with her. Damn woman caused emotions in me I never even knew existed anymore. I suppose she's the reason this blog exists. The only thing I know for sure is I don't know how to deal with emotions and all that comes with them. Never had to learn and suppressing them all was easier. I suspect if I hadn't I'd been dead long ago.
Emotions suck!
After they got married we moved to my step fathers hometown in Mn. It wasn't a bad place, smallish and cliqueish but not to bad. All of his relatives seemed to like me but I didn't like any of them. By then I was ten or so and they were just to normal. I smoked and drank and they were all Catholic goody two shoes types.
My stepfather worked for his brother as a meat cutter and I had to come to the store and work a couple of hours everyday. I still remember cleaning up the butcher shop part, saws, grinders, etc and making ground beef and bagging potatoes into 10 pound bags.
It didn't take me long to start hanging out with the worst kids in town. Funny but the police chiefs son and a preachers son were the two worst. Then came me. ;) You can sure get into a lot of trouble hanging out with a cops kid and a preachers kid.
I was behind in school because back then Iowa was about a year behind Mn. Took me all of two weeks to catch up and another week to pass everyone in my grade. Once again school recommended I skip a grade and once again my mother said no. So school was boring, again.
So we were all moved, I had new friends and nothing had really changed except locations. Well, almost nothing. My mother was more free to hit me and beat me and she did. My stepfather used his fists on me and kicked me but not nearly so often as my mother. He also didn't allow her to get as carried away beating me as she did before.
Lol, after they got married he also stopped giving me money. After a couple of weeks of living with him I learned that money, to him, was measured by the amount of dime glasses of beer he could buy. Yeah, you could get nickle and dime glasses of beer back then.
Every now and then he'd feel guilty and try to do something I liked or enjoyed but he was so inept and most outdoors things it wasn't even fun. The only thing we both liked was shooting the .22s on one of his relatives farms.
So life went on.
That attitude has prevailed all of my life. I don't ask for help, I don't need anyone and until recently I didn't really want anyone. I never let myself get close to people, I don't trust people and the only emotion I ever showed was anger or irritation. All they ever did was let me down and hurt me. With the exception of my paternal grandmother.
This attitude worked for me all of my life. It doesn't work for anyone else tho. Others I know have tried to be like me and they couldn't because they all had emotions they couldn't control. How I am worked pretty well for me. Heh, if you leave out the relationship part.
I was quite fine until Pattie made me fall in love with her. Damn woman caused emotions in me I never even knew existed anymore. I suppose she's the reason this blog exists. The only thing I know for sure is I don't know how to deal with emotions and all that comes with them. Never had to learn and suppressing them all was easier. I suspect if I hadn't I'd been dead long ago.
Emotions suck!
After they got married we moved to my step fathers hometown in Mn. It wasn't a bad place, smallish and cliqueish but not to bad. All of his relatives seemed to like me but I didn't like any of them. By then I was ten or so and they were just to normal. I smoked and drank and they were all Catholic goody two shoes types.
My stepfather worked for his brother as a meat cutter and I had to come to the store and work a couple of hours everyday. I still remember cleaning up the butcher shop part, saws, grinders, etc and making ground beef and bagging potatoes into 10 pound bags.
It didn't take me long to start hanging out with the worst kids in town. Funny but the police chiefs son and a preachers son were the two worst. Then came me. ;) You can sure get into a lot of trouble hanging out with a cops kid and a preachers kid.
I was behind in school because back then Iowa was about a year behind Mn. Took me all of two weeks to catch up and another week to pass everyone in my grade. Once again school recommended I skip a grade and once again my mother said no. So school was boring, again.
So we were all moved, I had new friends and nothing had really changed except locations. Well, almost nothing. My mother was more free to hit me and beat me and she did. My stepfather used his fists on me and kicked me but not nearly so often as my mother. He also didn't allow her to get as carried away beating me as she did before.
Lol, after they got married he also stopped giving me money. After a couple of weeks of living with him I learned that money, to him, was measured by the amount of dime glasses of beer he could buy. Yeah, you could get nickle and dime glasses of beer back then.
Every now and then he'd feel guilty and try to do something I liked or enjoyed but he was so inept and most outdoors things it wasn't even fun. The only thing we both liked was shooting the .22s on one of his relatives farms.
So life went on.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
After my beating I turned into an angry kid
After making my update yesterday about my mother beating me so badly I was quite angry for the rest of the day. About the time I was getting over it the news came on and don't ya know they had an story about physical and sexual abuse. I have a forum at IBcynical Forum and I went off on a not so nice rant about the whole subject. If you are interested go take a look.
Child abuse is a subject that really irritates me because people knew I was being sexually, physically and mentally abused and no one did a damn thing about it. I was a very angry kid and back then there were no anger management activities for children nor any kind of anger management programs at all, not even for adults.
I never had any good role models when I was growing up and for sure never had any hero's. All I knew was anger, drinking, fighting and that kind of thing. Heh, I'm still way more comfortable in a bad ass bar than I am in an upscale place.
Anyway, the first time I saw Mr. Spock on Star Trek, that kinda dates me too, huh, I knew how I wanted to be. Cold, analytical and emotionless. Spock was everything I wanted to be. In control of himself at all times and logical.
I manged the cold and logical part very well and could even suppress all emotion except for one. Anger! For all the reading I did, all the research I did I was never able to find an effective way to control my anger. Well, I did find one way but it's not to workable for the most part. Staying away from people worked but I still had to go shopping for groceries, etc and would be in a constant state of irritation most of the time.
It's very obvious when I'm irritated as it comes out in my tone of voice and facial expressions. As hard as it may be for anyone to believe I'm very soft spoken but when irritated or angry I do speak louder. I also don't tend to sugar coat things when I speak so I've been called blunt, tactless and a bull in a china shop but the most frequent thing I'd hear was that I was an a**hole.
That one never bothered me and I encouraged it. MOF my whole personality is built on keeping people away from me and not letting anyone get anywhere close to me. The people who do get close to me are amazed how gentle I really am.
The girls I dated were all amazed when we would have sex that I was so extremely gentle with them and that their pleasure was more important to me than my own. It wasn't what they were expecting at all considering they knew how angry and irritable I could be. One of them described me as all porcupine and hard shell on the outside and all teddy bear on the inside.
One girl, who I fell in love with, made me feel emotions I hadn't felt for years and years. She even made me want to live. Now I can't get rid of the emotions and I don't know how to deal with them either. They confuse me and that irritates me to no end.
The psychologist I sent my ex wife and her kids to told me she could probably help me and I told her don't worry about it, I'll be fine. That was eight years ago and now I finally realize I'm not fine. Yeah, for being so intelligent sometimes I'm a slow learner, at least in that area.
I've spent 50 plus years being angry. I've used my anger to survive, I've used it to motivate myself and it's kept me alive more than once. I don't know how to be any other way. I'm very strong mentally unless I'm depressed and even then I'm still mentally tougher than everyone I know.
Nice huh? That's one of the problems with child abuse. Angry kids turn into even angrier adults. It doesn't make for a truly functional adult who enjoys much of anything. So now I'm 60 and angry and don't know how to change it. Nor am I sure I care to make the effort to try. My life expectancy is shorter than average due to the copd and I doubt there is enough time left in my life to fix all that's wrong and all that makes me so angry.
Like everyone else I want a quick fix and haven't been able to find one. Lol, don't anyone tell me to count to ten or to think or any of that simplistic crap. It doesn't work as the words come out of my mouth before my brain ever engages.
I'm rambling today, even worse than usual. What I want anyone to do who reads this is if you know or suspect any child is being abused, report it. Get involved, don't just stand on the sidelines and watch it happen. As far as I'm concerned if you know of child abuse and don't get involved you are as guilty as the person doing the abuse. Children are very precious things and everyone needs to do their part to protect them.
I'm a psychologists nightmare and some days I suspect if people knew the true thoughts going thru my head I'd be put in the funny farm for a long time. My depression is getting better but it's so slow. Seems to be no quick fix for that either. Funny, I can help other people fix or solve their personal problems but I sure can't fix my own. Ironic huh?
Child abuse is a subject that really irritates me because people knew I was being sexually, physically and mentally abused and no one did a damn thing about it. I was a very angry kid and back then there were no anger management activities for children nor any kind of anger management programs at all, not even for adults.
I never had any good role models when I was growing up and for sure never had any hero's. All I knew was anger, drinking, fighting and that kind of thing. Heh, I'm still way more comfortable in a bad ass bar than I am in an upscale place.
Anyway, the first time I saw Mr. Spock on Star Trek, that kinda dates me too, huh, I knew how I wanted to be. Cold, analytical and emotionless. Spock was everything I wanted to be. In control of himself at all times and logical.
I manged the cold and logical part very well and could even suppress all emotion except for one. Anger! For all the reading I did, all the research I did I was never able to find an effective way to control my anger. Well, I did find one way but it's not to workable for the most part. Staying away from people worked but I still had to go shopping for groceries, etc and would be in a constant state of irritation most of the time.
It's very obvious when I'm irritated as it comes out in my tone of voice and facial expressions. As hard as it may be for anyone to believe I'm very soft spoken but when irritated or angry I do speak louder. I also don't tend to sugar coat things when I speak so I've been called blunt, tactless and a bull in a china shop but the most frequent thing I'd hear was that I was an a**hole.
That one never bothered me and I encouraged it. MOF my whole personality is built on keeping people away from me and not letting anyone get anywhere close to me. The people who do get close to me are amazed how gentle I really am.
The girls I dated were all amazed when we would have sex that I was so extremely gentle with them and that their pleasure was more important to me than my own. It wasn't what they were expecting at all considering they knew how angry and irritable I could be. One of them described me as all porcupine and hard shell on the outside and all teddy bear on the inside.
One girl, who I fell in love with, made me feel emotions I hadn't felt for years and years. She even made me want to live. Now I can't get rid of the emotions and I don't know how to deal with them either. They confuse me and that irritates me to no end.
The psychologist I sent my ex wife and her kids to told me she could probably help me and I told her don't worry about it, I'll be fine. That was eight years ago and now I finally realize I'm not fine. Yeah, for being so intelligent sometimes I'm a slow learner, at least in that area.
I've spent 50 plus years being angry. I've used my anger to survive, I've used it to motivate myself and it's kept me alive more than once. I don't know how to be any other way. I'm very strong mentally unless I'm depressed and even then I'm still mentally tougher than everyone I know.
Nice huh? That's one of the problems with child abuse. Angry kids turn into even angrier adults. It doesn't make for a truly functional adult who enjoys much of anything. So now I'm 60 and angry and don't know how to change it. Nor am I sure I care to make the effort to try. My life expectancy is shorter than average due to the copd and I doubt there is enough time left in my life to fix all that's wrong and all that makes me so angry.
Like everyone else I want a quick fix and haven't been able to find one. Lol, don't anyone tell me to count to ten or to think or any of that simplistic crap. It doesn't work as the words come out of my mouth before my brain ever engages.
I'm rambling today, even worse than usual. What I want anyone to do who reads this is if you know or suspect any child is being abused, report it. Get involved, don't just stand on the sidelines and watch it happen. As far as I'm concerned if you know of child abuse and don't get involved you are as guilty as the person doing the abuse. Children are very precious things and everyone needs to do their part to protect them.
I'm a psychologists nightmare and some days I suspect if people knew the true thoughts going thru my head I'd be put in the funny farm for a long time. My depression is getting better but it's so slow. Seems to be no quick fix for that either. Funny, I can help other people fix or solve their personal problems but I sure can't fix my own. Ironic huh?
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