No depression, except the normal stress and anxiety

Here I was, LeMars Iowa, a young kid who turned 13 in 1960. I had one hell of a lot of fun in the 60's and some not so fun moments but mostly I love the 60's and 70's.

I was a rebel and I fit right in the era. However I didn't fit with the hippies nor did I fit with the bad asses. Funny, I still don't fit much of anywhere so like back then I mostly stay apart from named or labeled groups.

For a few years while living in LeMars I still got beatings from both parents. I still got molested by relatives and I tried, as in the past, to maintain a low profile, stay out of the house as much as possible and keep myself together.

I was the new kid in town so I had a few fights. Lol, some families seemed to have an inexhaustible supply of ever bigger brothers. I'd kick the crap out of the one my age and here'd come his bigger brother. Sheesh, it got old but I earned the respect I deserved from everyone.

Being the new kid in a small town is a lot like living in a flock of chickens. I upset the pecking order and it had to be figured out where I fit in the order. As usual it turns out I didn't fit. While I proclaim myself not to be a leader, it's for damn sure I'm not a follower. To hell with the pecking order, I did my own thing back then and I do it now.

The older brothers, who could kick my ass, soon found out the price was a bit higher than they wanted to pay and it got harder to kick my ass every time we fought. Soon they started telling their brothers my age to deal with it and leave them alone. In the end it was pretty much no one messed with me.

I did make some friends and we hung out together a lot. Just like now days, there was nothing much for kids to do so we got into trouble now and then because of sheer boredom. The group I hung out with wasn't known for good grades or anything else but being tough and trouble.

Lol, neither the girls or the guys. The girls back then were a lot calmer than they are now tho. The tempers were there but the girls were better able to control theirs. Also, the female pecking order was more socially oriented than physical or mental.

Girls fighting was almost unheard of and fun to watch because mostly they were hair pulling contests and someone might lose a top or the guys might get to see some skin. Nothing dangerous about it at all except for the hurt feelings for the loser.

Heh, I was reading a book about Abby Hoffman the other day and learned some things I didn't know but for the most part I lived the 60's experience to the hilt. I was a rebel then and I guess I'd have to say I still am.

Was I depressed while living in LeMars? Probably. The stress and anxiety of never knowing what was going to happen at home makes that pretty much a fact. However I never knew it as depression. I had a reputation with the girls as being a bit sad and quite moody but part of that was an act to get girls to pick me up.

Lol, at least I thought it was an act, now I'm not so sure. One thing I do know tho is that same act will still get chicks to pick you up today. There's always a babe that wants to take care of you and make you feel better. Hmmm, perhaps that's why I have so many problems with women.

Gasp, could it be I've been looking for a mother for all of these years? I'm sure that's the correct psychiatric answer but I'm not sure it's true. I suspect the answer is I never learned to feel the things for others that I should have learned when I was a child. I never learned that anyone could be depended on. I never learned how to make a relationship work.

In some ways I haven't changed much at all. In other ways I'm not even recognizable as the same person. My current girlfriend and lover remarked the other day that she was surprised at the fact I like to cuddle up with her on the couch and on how tender and gentle I am with her in bed.

Both were a major surprise to her because they certainly don't match the first impression people get. We've know each other for 8 months of so and just got together about a month ago. Yet she's still surprised. Lol, you don't get to know the real me until I decide to let you.

While shrinks may think one thing I suspect the bigger issue is trust.

Stress and quitting smoking cigarettes

I'm trying to quit smoking, again. Yep, side trip. Sorry about that. Nah, not really, I just don't want to write about any old crap today and get more stressed. Quitting smoking is enough stress for any one person to deal with in one day.

I've smoked since I was 8 yrs old. Of course, not as heavy back then but I was up to 4 packs a day when I drove truck. I can smoke that much while working on my PC too.

Yeah, I know, smoking will kill ya. After 52 years of smoking I think I've got that part down. I'm pretty sure it's what's going to kill me too. I have a severe case of COPD. However it didn't help that I've been in asbestos dust a couple of times, without a mask.

Whatever, doesn't matter. I lost 50 pounds in a little over 2 years from the COPD. Dr. told me there wasn't much she could do about the weight loss except tell me to eat. Lol, she knows I smoke weed when I'm in a lot of pain and she obliquely suggested a little more might help me gain weight back. Lol, it hasn't.

Yeah, been smoking weed since I was 14 or 15 but not as much back then. I was a drunk and weed made me puke when I was drinking.

Anyway, smoking is going to kill me eventually. Heart attack or stroke. Other than a spinal problem at C6 and of course the damn COPD, I'm in great shape health wise. Cholesterol is normal, BP is fine. No real problems anywhere.

Whatever, ya gotta die from something and I enjoyed it for years. Started out smoking filtered cigs but other kids kept bumming them from me so I switched to non filtered. Then no one bummed them

I smoked Camel straights for years and when they started to hurt my throat I switched to Pall Mall straights and then to Doral straights and now to just plain old whatever is cheapest and non filtered.

No, I'm not whining about it either. It was a choice I made and one I continued with even after I knew it was dangerous. Damn nicotine is hard to kick. From what I've read harder than Heroin. I've never been addicted to heroin so I don't know. Been addicted to Codeine a few times and that wasn't to tough.

Cigarettes are a lot tougher to quit. They are more easily available and your mind tells you lies about just having one. Lol, I know, I'm a dumb ass for believing the lies my mind tells me. However having one does get rid of all the stress that builds up and the craving and headaches.

So I'm trying hard this time. No, not cold turkey and no patch or crap. Tried to start Zyban again and that just messed me up for sex. Heh, no brainer there, sex is gonna win over most anti depressants. However my breathing is so bad now that smoking caused interference. Sheesh.

I figured if I quit now I might be able to have sex a few more years. Yes, I know, I should have thought of that the first time I couldn't breathe well during sex. Hey, it was a long time ago and I really didn't expect to live this long.

The Chinese about have the lung thing figured out with stem cell research so if I last long enough and can afford it that might help.

I'll be through with cigarettes forever in 17 more days. For once I'm going to win this one with my mind. Like they say, if you smoke, QUIT, if you don't smoke, DON'T START.

Unless you want to end up like me.

Sex, abuse, stress and depression and beatings in Denison

Lol, another thing to add to the list of abuse, stress and depression that I'm not going to count every detail of. Sex happened a lot and unless it was something out of the ordinary, plenty of it was, I'm not going to tell you about everytime.

Of course paying Cherie a quarter for sex was cool with me. The way I look at it you pay for it one way or another. Dating and relationships cost plenty and you might get some sex and you might not. At least paying her a quarter I was guaranteed.

Another nice thing about it was there was no serious feelings involved. Just the greatness of the sex and the way it relieved all of my stress and depression.

We were in Denison for a while after Cherie and I started up. I actually looked forward to seeing her frequently and we had fun together.

Unfortunately after we moved it was quite awhile before I had actual, real sex with another girl. Lol, never ran into any that charged for it for a few years either.

As I said before, I loved the closeness of it and how it made me feel. Unfortunately it was pretty much the same feelings I got when I was molested by my uncles. That I didn't like and yet I liked the feelings.

That's the problem with child molesters. Everytime it happened to me it was a great feeling that someone cared about me. The people who molest play that angle a lot, from what I read about it, later in life.

For a long time I thought I might be gay. It was a really confusing time for me. At least Cherie made some of that go away. It definitely wasn't anything I could talk to anyone about at the time. Hell, I just started talking about it to select people a few years ago.

Another thing I never talk about much is the fact I wet the bed all my life. Didn't really stop until a couple of months after Cherie and I started doing it regularly.

Then we moved back to Sioux City for a few weeks and then to the small town of LeMars, Iowa for the next 5 years or so. LeMars is about 25 miles South of Sioux City, IA on US highway 75. Lots of interesting things happened there.

I suppose some of it was/is considered molestation but it was women and just because they were way older than I was didn't make it feel that way to me. I thought I was one of the luckiest teenagers alive when I got to have sex with those older women.

Actually I was stunned when someone told me the older women were child molesters. Just never thought of it that way and most of it I instigated or mentioned before they did. Yep, I have a double standard where guys and girls are concerned.

I suppose I shouldn't as I've never felt it from the girls side but as a guy I loved it and there wasn't a thing wrong with it. Just because they were older didn't make it bad, at least not to me.

More about LeMars and my life there in future posts.

Cures for stress and depression or my first time sex with a girl

At last something memorable that wasn't a beating or sexual abuse. Just plain old fashioned sex. I was reading an article on the MSNBC site one day and it was about marriage helping depression.

They had thought that depressed people would gain less from having a live in girlfriend or getting married. Turns out they were wrong. Getting married helped depressed people much more than it helped happier or non depressed people.

It was an interesting study because depressed people who got married scored 7 plus points lower on a depression scale than those depressed people who didn't get married. I found that highly interesting, and, like the researchers, not what I expected.

The conclusion was that marriage may provide the companionship and emotional support depressed people need, to make it somewhat better. Lol, maybe I need to get married again to get rid of all of my stress and depression.

So what does all of this have to do with what happened to me in Denison. Quite a bit actually because it's when and where I met the first girl I ever touched sexually, the first girl I ever saw naked and the first girl I ever had sex with with.

I suppose I should tell you more today but unfortunately I have some obligations to keep today so it's just going to have to wait for the next time I post. Lol, she was a great cure for depression and stress and also a great adrenaline rush except I was at risk for nothing.

Moving to Denison Iowa, boredom and stress.

Way back, on May 29th, I got things out of order. Not to hard to do considering all the times I've lived in Sioux City and then moved to other places. If you want to get back in order then go read the May 29th post about Denison, Iowa and then read this one.

I'll do a short recap of that post now so you don't have to if you don't want to. I actually didn't like Denison. Lots of reasons but it was a boring place with absolutely nothing to do. Nothing much around to steal either except for the mountain of pop bottles that I found.

Naturally I shoplifted a little bit but there wasn't much of anything I wanted either. Stole some books and comic books, candy and cigarettes but that was about it. No big scores or any kind and very little excitement.

As I said before, the courthouse was across the street and the neighbor kids and I played over on the huge lawn. Neighbors were Pete, Kenny and another brother that I forgot his name.

I'd shoplifted a slingshot. One of those modern ones that used the surgical tubing instead of cutting up a piece of inner tube and using that for the bands. It also had an attachment that would let you shoot arrows with it. Lol, forgot, I shoplifted the arrows too.

We used to take it over to the courthouse and shoot it. Then we started playing chicken with it. One of us would shoot an arrow as straight up into the air as we could and then we would all have to stand out in the open until the arrow came down.

The other three would sometimes chicken out but I never did. The arrow would go so high that you would lose site of it and if it would have hit one of us in the top of the head it would have killed anyone of us instantly.

As usual it was dangerous, it was my idea of fun and I didn't care if it hit me or not.

I'm going to get off the track here and see if I can explain something. I doubt most people will understand but I'll try anyway.

There is something marvelously liberating about not caring if you live or die. If it just doesn't matter you can do things normal people wouldn't do. The same with not caring what other people think of you.

Not caring what your neighbors think is freedom that most people don't have. Most worry to much about what other people are going to think and base some of their most important life decisions on that basis.

To me that's one of the stupidest things you can do. Even stupider than doing things that could get you killed or seriously hurt because you don't care about life or death. Caring to much about what your neighbors or friends think causes a lot of stress and sometimes traps you into doing things you don't want to do or being something you don't want to be.

I've lived in dumpy places that probably should have been condemned and I've lived in very fancy places that impressed the hell out of people. I've driven new vehicles and I've driven pieces of junk. I've bought clothes at Goodwill and I've also bought designer clothes. Heh, one of my favorite shirts I bought at Goodwill 12 years ago.

The last new vehicle I owned was a 2001 Suburban with all the options you could get. I bought that for my wife and step sons safety and I seldom drove it. Mostly I drove my 97 Chevy Silverado pickup. Now I have a 2001 Pontiac Aztek with 150,000 miles on it.

What I drive doesn't matter as long as it's reliable and gets me where I want to go. I could afford a new vehicle now but what's the point of that as long as this one is still reliable and problem free. Lol, the best thing about new is the warranty.

I don't own a suit or a tie. Seldom have as I hate to wear a tie. For business I've occasionally had to play the part but it's not me. For what I want to do in the future I'll have to play a part and I'll do it but only because it's necessary to what I want to accomplish. Yes, I know how to play to peoples perceptions but I seldom bother. It's to much work most of the time.

Perceptions is a whole nother topic all by itself.

Except for a couple of things Denison Iowa was an entirely forgettable place and not a place I ever want to go back to. Surprisingly enough not much of anything bad happened to me there. Well, the usual mental and physical abuse but you should know by now, if you keep up with this, that being beaten was the norm.

The beatings and abuse were so normal to me that I don't even remember most of them. There are three that were very memorable but the rest were just run of the mill beatings. No big deal as far as memories go.

When we moved to Denison I was 12 yrs old. When we moved out of there I was 13 yrs old. Things don't even get remotely better for me for another couple of years. By then it doesn't matter.

While there was a lot of boredom and stress there were some good times too.

Lakes, stress, calmness and moving around

While I wasn't unhappy in Fairmont I didn't care when we moved either. There were a lot of things to do there and I loved the lakes. I still do love lakes and if given a choice I will go sit by lakes or rivers whenever I get the chance. It calms me and reduces my stress almost instantly.

Here I sit by the pool. The filter pumps are so powerful I can hear the water and there are a couple of large balls, blue and white, about the size of a world globe, that float around in the pool. It calms me a lot just to listen and watch the patterns of the balls floating.

In Milwaukee I go sit by Lake Michigan. A couple of miles North of the museum there is a public beach and a large park where people walk, jog, skate board, roller skate and in general be by the lake.

I like to watch the large boats and the small boats. I like to watch the people and I love the rhythm of the waves coming in. The seagulls beg and fly around and the little birds come right up to you and beg for food.

I even met a few chicks sitting there on a bench or laying on the grass getting a tan. If it didn't get cold there and snow all winter I could enjoy living there. For me it's a peaceful place. Most lakes are a peaceful place for me.

When I go away, in my head, it's to a lake. A lot of times when I go away physically it's to a lake or river. I've fished, hunted and boated all of my life and that's why the links to fishing forum, the hunting site and the boating site are there.

What I like to do is design websites and for me that's a form of relaxation and a way to make a bit of money. However my favorite is IBCynical where I can state my opinions on anything and everything. I have plenty of opinions too, on everything.

I really don't know if I'm a liberal or a conservative. Don't know if I'm far left, far right or off the planet totally. Nor do I care. I'm neither republican or democrat so I guess that makes me an independent but that should come as no surprise.

However I have a problem with independent candidates most of the time. Politics is sometimes amusing but mostly, IMHO, a travesty of what these people were elected to do. I seldom let it intrude into my reality but every now and then they do something so stupid, Iraq comes to mind as does 'Homeland Security', why does that seem like such a Nazi-ish name to me, that I can't resist making a comment on IBCynical-Thoughtful, intelligent and cynical peoples opinions.

Fools and idiots drive me crazy and I have no patience for them. I have no patience for people who sit around and feel sorry for themselves yet won't get off their ass and do anything about it. OTOH I have a lot, to much, empathy for people.

Whatever, doesn't matter. I do what I do and I do it when I want to do it. Just because no one else understands why I do what I do doesn't really matter. Yet I want a woman for a relationship who understands without my having to play connect the dots for her.

Lol, I'm such a mass of seeming contradictions that finding someone who understands me is damn near impossible. I have lots of acquaintances but only a couple of what I consider friends. I have lots of people I help, when I can but they are still only acquaintances.

Having no real friends makes it easy for me to pick up and move to where ever I want to go. Just as it did this time. It also made it easy for me to move when I was a kid. I viewed moving as a new adventure and a new start.

Parts of it I didn't like but for the most part moving was always okay. At least until we moved to Denison, Ia. Not a place I liked and I was glad to leave it. However before I get to Denison we made a short stay in Sioux City again.

Nothing unusual happened in Sioux City that time. Just the usual beatings and mental abuse. Nothing new at all. Lol, the grocery store was still making donuts and I was still addicted to them and watching them being made.

So we moved to Denison. Only a few things of note happened there but one of them was huge and I'll never forget it.

Finally, some women and drama to relieve my stress

Heh, went out with a new girl today. Well, woman anyway, as she's 40. Still a girl to me but hey. We were just hanging out, watching some tv, drinking some wine, playing on the net and in general chillin.

Nothing major. This girl and I will never have a relationship. She's fun and has a quick mind but she's way to much work. Mentally. Besides, she's just using me to make her boyfriend jealous and I know that.

Anyway we're just setting here BSing and she decides to call her cousin. Then she proceeds to tell me how much I'm going to like her cousin. Lol, the one I was with today is a little larger than I prefer and she knows it but she's smart enough and pretty enough.

Now her cousin is another story. Way more of the body style I like and the little bit I talked to her she seems smart enough. Very pretty too. I expect she'll be back with or without her cousin. She wants to do a few things on the net I can teach her to do or do for her.

The point is as soon as the cousin came in they started talking to each other as fast as they could about BS that happened and who said what and who did what to who about it all. Lol, the drama was flying thick and fast.

I started laughing at both of them and told them I didn't want anything to do with either one of them, to much drama and confrontation. ;) Funny, when you haven't had any drama for a while it does provide some stress relief.

Actually, yesterday morning I was sitting in the canvas porch swing just a swinging and a thinking. If I ever decide to plant myself in one spot for a while I'm going to get me one of them. Really calming to me so sit and swing.

Anyway, I was sitting there thinking that I was pretty bored and that I could feel the tension building in my body and my mind. There is absolutely nothing to do where I'm at now and the first decent sized town where there are bars and women is 45 miles away.

Now I know I'll go there in a few weeks to a month. When the tension builds up so as to be unbearable I'll go party like a rock star for a couple of days and then come back to peace and quiet.

Not only do I know I'll go there I know it's next to inevitable and that's it's just a step toward where I really want to go. But I'll go there a couple of time before I go to an even bigger place. I'll go there a couple of times to before I go where I know I'll end up.

Not doubt about it. When I get bored enough and tense enough I'll end up in Vegas for at least a week. Of course before I'll go I'll have to make enough money so I can do it the way I want to., as usual. I love Vegas.

What's that got to do with the lovely ladies and drama? Lol, watching those two today made me remember why I'm here alone. However it did relieve a lot of stress and I expect it will postpone my party for at least a week or two.

If I start hanging out with either of them for long it may happen even sooner because they both like to party but that will be okay too. Women cause stress, women can also relieve stress. Particularly when you don't want or expect anything from them. Just watching them be them badass selves is fun.

Charlie, a cashier at Wal-mart and who also works at a motel at the front desk remarked that the one thing she really likes about me is I don't hit on her. Never will. She's cute but I just never will.

Told her thanks but I don't tend to hit on women anyway. Much easier to not hit on them and make them wonder whats wrong with themselves and why I don't think they are hot enough to hit on. She laughed and said women do that to guys. Yep, I know, where did she think I learned it.

So I make them chase me until I catch them. Simple and I told her the truth. Even knowing the truth what you want to bet she hits on me in the next three months. You see, knowing the truth and believing it are two different things.

So I cause women a bit of stress now and then. Makes us even, I think. ;)

To young to have 20 dollar bills, that's depressing

As I said in the last addition to this stressed and depressed life story 20 dollar bills were a unexpected problem.

I'd stolen enough of the smaller bills from the bus depot and ones thru tens weren't a problem. However I stoled a pack of 20's and the first one I tried to spend I got a bunch of questions about where did I get it, etc.

Lied my ass off and got it cashed but I learned to be much more careful in the future. I also never stole anything bigger than 10's in the future.

20's were a problem because kids my age just didin;t have that much money. Everyone in town knew my parents and knew they didn't have that much money that their kids would have twenty dollar bills to be spending.

Now you have to remember that this was the late 50's and you could buy a car that ran and ran well for 20 bucks. So it was a huge amount of money for a kid to have.

I got around the whole problem by going to the grocery store and buying bread, mild, etc. so they'd think my parents sent me to the store for those things. Then I never got questioned. Just a PITA to have to break it up that way.

I couldn't keep the money on me or in my house so I put it in a jar and buried it in my back yard. Then because I couldn't always get to that money I buried some more in a couple of other places.

IOn the end I had about 2000 dollars buried in three different places. I'd also learned that you couldn't spend much beyond what people expected you to have, ala the 20's. I also learned to keep my mouth shut and to never let anyone else know what I was doing or to brag about it.

So for a kid I had more money than I could safely spend. Lol, hell, I could have paid cash for a new car. Didn't dare but could have. ;)

BTW, the jar of money that was buried in my back yard is/was still there. When we finally moved I never had an opportunity to get it dug up. I got the other two but that one got left.

I do know that enough adrenaline can overcome depression because I never had a thought about my circumstances. the beatings I was still geting or any of the rest of it. At least until my uncle started showing up.

Pain, stress, depression and the mind

For some reason I've been in more than the usual amount of pain for the last few days. It hurts my legs to walk and they hurt just sitting still. No comfortable position at all. Elbows, forearms and hands are the same way.

No clue what's causing it, well, a couple of medical problems, but the pain is beyond the usual scope of increase. Hopefully it's the weather. I've had arthritis for years but have been able to mostly ignore it or get by with ibuprofen.

I've got a very high pain threshold, lol, perhaps that's why, even at my size, I won so many fights with people bigger than me. I could ignore more damage than most people. Point is I'm up to Tylenol 3s and most people would be getting some really heavy duty pain killers. So why don't I?

Because then I can't function as I want to. Short term, no problem, long term, big problem. If you can't function as you want to what is the point of being alive. Then again, a permanently altered reality might be very interesting.

Then maybe I wouldn't have feelings and memories. Particularly ones I can't seem to suppress anymore. Now there's a whole nother subject. Suppressed memories almost always filter thru the subconscious first.

Anyway, the pain interferes with suppression of feelings and memories. Now I'm learning to replace the bad memories with good memories. Which in theory won't cause as much stress which equals less pain which equals less concentration required to control the rest.

Lol, I know I'm not going crazy because I question the sanity of it but now I'm substituting made up memories and making them real enough so my subconscious will believe them and act on them rather than the true memories.

IOW I'm building a new reality, small memory by small memory. I wonder if it will become real enough that I actually believe it. Denial is a very strong fault that could be put to good use. Now there's a subject I'm going to have to look up. Something I know absolutely nothing about. Actual memory replacement.

Funny that writing all of this depressing stuff is actually helping me. Oh well, it gets less depressing, to me at least because in a couple of weeks I'll have chronologically aged to where things get to be fun. Lol, I turned 13 in 1960. Sex, drugs and rock and roll. Ban the bomb, burn your bra and free love.

I had a wild time.

Interesting, I'm not stressed or depressed today.

I ended a chapter in my life yesterday and a different one the day before. The last two girls I was dating are no longer in my life.

I had expected to be stressed out and depressed all day today. I left for a month long trip this morning and thought I'd have at least one of the girls on my mind, most of the time. Surprises me that I didn't as when I drive my mind kinda floats free and random thoughts keep popping in.

Never thought about either one of them to much at all. So far it's been a great day and the future will be even better. Figure it out yet? I dumped them! I got tired of them not meeting my standards, not doing what they said and all the drama they both have in their lives.

Driving doesn't stress me out, I love it. It lets me relax and be alone at the same time while going down the road. Funny but since I told the second one I wasn't going to see her anymore I've been in a good mood. I figured I'd be really depressed as somewhere along the last 19 months I've become emotionally needy.

Never was before but a girl back then made me feel emotions I hadn't felt since I was a little kid. I sure didn't know how to deal with them but I knew I wanted more of those feelings so I developed a really bad case of approval seeking behavior and a huge need for someone to hold and cuddle me.

I sure put up with a lot of crap to get the attention I so desperately wanted tho. It's really a good thing that I LIKE women in general as the last 19 months have been nothing but women who weren't good for me at all, liars, cheats and manipulators with lives just full of drama.

Lol, I know all women aren't that way and somewhere along the way I will meet one, or maybe I already have, who will meet my minimum standards, be honest and reliable and care about me.

I met a really nice woman a couple of weeks ago and we are on our way to becoming good friends at the least but the way we miss talking to each other it will probably go farther. I want it to go very slow tho as I'm more in control and not that needy anymore.

It's very interesting to me that since I started being more positive mentally, after watching the Secret videos I mentioned before, I'm actually taking steps to make my life better, calmer and more peaceful. No more drama queens, no more liars, no more undependable people. nothing but keeping my life as positive as I can make it.

I work everyday at making positive things happen in my life and learning to say positive things to myself. Even relationships. Instead of saying I don't want a relationship with liars and drama queens I am saying I want a caring, trusting, loving relationship. Instead of saying what I don't want I'm saying what I do want.

If today is any sign, what I'm doing is working. It's going to take some time to get better but at least being positive is helping me be less depressed.

What does a stressed and depressed person do for fun

I told you in an earlier post that I should have been a hermit. I still believe I'd have been much happier if I would have been. I learned at a very young age to stay out of my parents way as much as possible. I may have been abused, stressed and totally depressed but I was still smart enough to know that if I wasn't around people I couldn't be hurt.

When I was little I learned to read very quickly and it was something I could go hide and do without fear. Reading also took me away from my circumstances and let me put myself in the place of the person in the book.

I wouldn't say I read a lot but there was an article in the local paper about me because by the age of 6 I'd already read every children's book in the town library. I actually had to bring a permission slip from my mother so I could get more advanced books to read.

I still read everyday. As far as I'm concerned reading is way more than fundamental. It's the thing that needs to be taught most. If you can read you can do anything. I buy kids I meet books and if I know them well enough I will sit and read to them.

Besides, it was something that kept me out of trouble and something I could do by myself.

I fished because I could do it alone. I loved to fish, I loved being outside and I loved being alone. I still fish, mostly alone but not always. I created a fishing forum at Fishing Eastern South Dakota where I tell some of my tips and tricks I've learned over the years. Lol, if fishing was slow I'd bring a book. ;)

I love to drive and in my past I drove semi nationwide for a couple of years. Nice solitary job and no one to bother me. I still love to get into my car and just ride around, alone. I think nothing of driving a thousand miles to go do something and I love the solitude of driving by myself. It calms me and lets me free up most of my mind for other things. I've had some of my best ideas while driving.

When the net came along I fell in love. It's another thing that is pretty much a solitary thing. It allows me to read, accumulate knowledge and be alone at the same time.

People constantly tell me I spend to much time alone bit it keeps me from being hurt or having to deal with the rampant stupidity I encounter when I have to go out in public. Lol, yes, I know, I also can't be rejected or hurt if I'm alone.

Oh, yeah, I also like to listen to R & B and that's a recent thing because all I used to listen to was golden oldies. I've come to love Beyonce, Mary J Blige, Ciara and many others who sing similar music.

All of these solitary things keep my stress levels down and keep me much calmer and serene. Fear of rejection sucks and is quite depressing when you know it and find it hard to get over it. It's also depressing.

Still, all in all, the way I am, I'd have been much happier as a hermit. Give me access to the net, tv, food, the library of congress and a woman two days a month and I'd be totally happy.

That's pathetic and I know it but it's also how I am.

Still major depressed but still alive

As I mentioned yesterday the doctor prescribed me zoloft and I have been taking it. Funny tho that after 30 days or so I still can't tell any difference except for being hungry all the time and not to much interested in sex at all.

Just a couple of the usual side effects of most drugs for depression. There are more but these are the two that always seem to get me. No sex causes me to stress out and it really irritates a girl I go out with when she wants to and I don't care.

The only drug they've ever given me for stress or for being depressed that I like is xanax. The first time I took it the stuff made me really crabby and irritable and my ex wife told me not to take it anymore. I tried it again despite her wishes and that time and from then on it worked as it was supposed to.

At least I can get the generic for that one as alprazolam and it's usually under 15 dollars for 60 pills. Best part is it does exactly what I want it to do. It shuts my mind off when it's in the runaway, can't stop thinking mode. When I go to bed at night I take half one and I can fall asleep with no probems at all. Doesn't seem to have any side effects that I've noticed. To bad it doesn't work for depression, just for anxiety or shutting my mind off.

At least I can tell it works. With the zoloft I have no clue. I've even asked a couple of people if they can ell any difference in me and they've all said no. I'll keep taking it for another month because I know it has to build up to certain levels in your bloodstream but if it's not working any better by the 10th of April I'll quit taking it.