Serious beating and life goes on

The only serious beating I remember from Denison happened while my favorite cousin and her mother were visiting us. This is my aunt who had previously brought her boyfriend in an earlier post.

They visited for a few days to a week. Actually I think my aunt and her husband were having major problems so she came to our place to hide out. She and the bitch who gave birth to me were best friends.

Naturally my aunt also drank a lot so my stepfather, mother and aunt spent a lot of time in the bar downstairs which left us kids upstairs and alone to do whatever we wanted. Mostly we played quietly together but now and then we got a little wild.

Sometimes we went over to the courthouse and played on the big lawn they had and sometimes we played in back in the parking lot with the kids from next door. Nothing amazing at all. Just kids playing and having fun.

As I had said before there was one huge room that was divided by a curtain. This curtain went across the width of the room and was hung on a two inch thick wooden pole. It was set into two c shaped holders on each end and had something hold it up in the middle so it didn't sag. Don't remember exactly what that was but it did allow the pole to lift out.

When the adults were gone we used to jump on the beds, have pillow fights, play tag and hide and seek. We had enough room to do all of that easily.

We were playing tag and running around the curtain and getting caught in it, etc. When I ran under it, with my sister chasing me, it fell down and hit her in the head. The top of her head was bleeding and she said I did it on purpose. I didn't but that wasn't going to matter.

My cousin ran downstairs to get our parents and in the meantime I hid, really well so I couldn't be found. I knew I was going to get a bad beating and because my sister was going to lie and they had been drinking it was going to be very bad.

Heh, just had a thought. I wonder how many concussions I got, as a kid, from the beatings I received.

It took them hours to find me as I had crawled up into the closet on the top shelf and put some of the stuff in front of me. By then they were pretty well sober but I still got beat with fists and kicked and punched by both parents.

I'm pretty sure tomorrow will be the last or next to last post about Denison and what happened there. It's really the best thing that happened to me in my first 13 years of life.

Surreal life to some but it's all true and depressing

Lol, it wasn't surreal to me, it was just life. Daily life at that. I couldn't begin to put down everything that happened or that was done to me or the times I was left alone with a baby I wasn't capable of caring for at the age of 3 or 4. So many oddities and weird things have happened to me that I coined a word for them . Weirdities.

By the time of the bus depot in Fairmont I'd been molested over 100 times. Boring to put it all down over and over and over again. The physical beatings didn't bother me after the belt incident. The emotional abandonment and the damage that caused was worse. Still messes up my relationships.

What really pisses me off about that is I know it and yet I keep doing the same things. Many times. Over and over. Fits the definition of insane. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

I have a huge fear of abandonment and I deal with it by not letting anyone get close to me or not letting myself get emotionally involved. If they get to close I do something to push them away. Considering I date chicks with the same problems it makes for some intense but stormy relationships that don't last long.

Just this last two weeks I was dating two different women. Both older than my usual 20 somethings as I wanted to see if it was me or the younger chicks I was dating. One was 40 and one was 54. Liz, 54, was so emotionally needy and clingy that I couldn't deal with it at all. She tried to give me several things the very first meeting. A blanket, a CD and a picture. I saw her twice just to make sure it wasn't first time jitters. The second time she tried to give me more stuff and just wouldn't let go off me or stay off of me.

Liz is a nice lady, just so desperate for someone, anyone, to care about her that she pushes everyone away with her neediness. I can't do needy at all. Feels like I'm being bought with gifts.

Actually reminds me of my mother and what she used to try to do after she'd beat me so badly. Then she hold me and ask me if I wanted to go to a movie, get some Coke or Pepsi, get some candy, go to the lake, etc. IOW trying to buy me off for beating me. You just can't buy me with anything. Not even sex.

The second chick is Char. Greedy, grasping and manipulative. Naturally Char attracted me more because she didn't need me. However she didn't last long. 4 dates and 3 times hanging out at my place. Char wanted all of the perks of being a girlfriend or wife without giving anything back.

One of those people who think that everything they have is theirs and everything you have is theirs too. Plus those types of people have the audacity to get pissed when you assert yourself and let them know that what's mine is going to stay mine unless we are boyfriend and girlfriend.


When you are at my place I'll share almost anything I have with you. However I won't give you things to take with you to share with and impress your friends. Bummer, she didn't like that. Char thought because I'm older and nice I was also stupid and weak. She also thinks she's a great scammer.

She was wrong on all counts. I can predict her behavior with 100% accuracy. So I played with her for a week until I got bored and tired of it. Lol, she actually tried to teach me a lesson by staying out all night and when she called the next morning I told her all of her stuff was in my backseat and to come and get it. Checkmate, you lose. Bummer. Bye.

Funny thing is for as smart as Char is about manipulating people I told her exactly what she needed to do if she wanted me to get attached to her and emotionally involved. She couldn't do it, not even to get the things she wanted.

It's a long story but I've only met one female who was smart enough to play me, get everything she wanted and yet never ask for a thing. She was so good at it that it took me a couple of months to figure it out. Even then it would have never come together but she asked me a question one day.

She always shut her phone off when she was with me. Always. Naturally I noticed that she wasn't always on the phone but I thought it was just a coincidence or she had told her friends not to call. I never mentioned it so one day she asked me if I'd noticed she never got calls.

Told her yes and then she explained that she knew it made me feel good to be the complete focus of her attention. That she had learned from another chick that it drives me crazy to be with someone and have them be on the phone constantly with someone else. She had also learned that asking me for things wasn't likely to get her those things.

Guess what. Now when I want a chick I make a big show of turning off my phone so we aren't interrupted. Funny but I don't get enough calls anymore to worry about it but it makes them feel really important and chicks like that. I never, ever mention it but I make sure she sees me shut it off.

So she paid lots of attention to me, held my hand driving, in stores, out her arm around me and walked, etc. Would cuddle with me watching TV and in bed. When she saw something she wanted when we were shopping she'd casually mention that she liked it or wished she could afford it, etc. She spent her own money on necessities for herself and never asked me to pay for any of it.

Can you believe that when I knew she liked something I'd wait a few days and then get it for her and give it to her. Lol, got lots of hugs and affection for that. Even after I knew what she was doing I didn't stop. She was just that good and I craved the attention and the praise. She made me feel like she really cared about me and maybe she did. I don't know.

I still like her, she still likes me but she's not in my call list and she doesn't have my number. Haven't talked to her since February. I miss her but she's dangerous to my emotions so I don't want to get any closer to her than I was. Besides, I'm waiting patiently for Trish to come to her senses. Playing with others but still waiting.

Freaking Trish made me vulnerable again, made me want to live, made me want to have a future with her and made me have emotions again. Given our history I know exactly what will happen. Given the rules I live by I know exactly what I'll do.

Trish will eventually decide she can't dominate me and will eventually contact me and be very reliable. However she will wait to long and I'll be emotionally involved with someone else and I won't drop the one I'm with and go to her. No matter how much I want her and want to be with her it wouldn't be the right thing to do.

Then Trish will try even harder and eventually it will cause me problems with whoever I'm involved with and I'll end up leaving her. Then Trish and I will get together for a while until she decides shes the dominate one, again, and we'll end up back where we are now. Emotionally stupidity at it's finest.

I really dislike emotions because they make me indecisive, foolish, angry, needy and I act just like normal people because of them. They make me stupid and out of control. I hate that.

Anyway, my life doesn't seem surreal to me, it's just how it was. Weird things have happened in my life and yet I've never seen them as weird. Everyone else does but I see them as absolutely normal. Now when I get involved with someone I warn them upfront that weird stuff happens when I'm around.

Lol, keep reading this and you'll eventually see what I mean.

Life and death and does it matter

Mama T and I were talking this morning and some how we got on the subject of death. We had been talking about Karma and some other things and for some reason I made the remark that I'd be glad when this life was over as it had been pretty much BS from the time I was born.

She and I seem to have some sort of bond that I can't explain nor would I bother to try. Being from two different cultures makes it very interesting and sometimes hard but we still have this thing between us. It's not sexual at all.

She told me this morning that she's glad I wasn't successful when I was a kid because then she and Baby T wouldn't have met me and I wouldn't have influenced her life. She also told me she was very glad to have met me and that no matter what we would always be friends and she would never hurt me.

My thoughts at that statement were, yeah, right, that's what they all say but I didn't say that. I'll reserve judgement on that and see what happens. She's a very nice person and I've never had anyone like her for a friend before. I do have a friend, Misha, that I like and trust but she comes from a lifestyle more like mine. At best that makes her an iffy friend.

Mama T comes from a background about as far from mine as you could get. While she may have been born in a different country, India, we think remarkably the same way about most things. She's quite religious and at best I'm agnostic but that doesn't bother either of us. Nor does she try to push her beliefs on me.

Another thing we have in common, she just told me this morning, is that she doesn't care all that much about life either. She's not afraid to die and if it happens, no big deal. Both of us agree that we would fight to live, that we aren't suicidal and would never give up easily but if it happens, it happens.

There is a huge difference between not having a fear of death and wanting to die. There's a huge difference between being glad when my life is over and done with and wanting to die. Lol, all this may change when I'm on my deathbed.

The above may seem weird but I like to win and giving up and letting someone kill me or dying intentionally would be losing. Not fighting would be giving up. I can't do that either.

So, my life will continue and I will fight for it to continue but that doesn't mean I can't be glad when it's going to be over.

Writing about depression is depressing

Somedays it's really depressing to come here and write about being depressed all of my life. I don't like it and I don't always want to do it but I manage to on most days.

People have told me all of my life that I should write my life story. I could never understand why, still don't, but that's what this is going to be in the end. I know I'm missing things and I know I get tired of repeating things.

The abuse happened on a daily basis but I don't want to write about every little or big piece of abuse that happened. It's boring and depressing at the same time. It was just normal to me. Not as bad as some peoples and worse than others.

I was frequently beaten with belts, sticks, switches, ping pong paddles, coat hangers, hands, fists, feet etc. What ever was handy at the time. I was burned once that I can remember.

Verbally I was called names, humiliated in front of others, belittled, made fun of and every other way you can verbally abuse a person. I was screamed at frequently. Mostly by my mother.

I can't even begin to describe how it made me feel and I won't bother to try. I've said before I'm seriously understated and you'll just have to fill in the blanks as best you can. I will say that if you imagine the worst you'll probably be close.

Thinking about it and writing about it makes me sad. Depressed and very, very sad. It also gives me headaches now and then. My life is going to get better as I get older but it's also going to get worse as I get older in this retelling.

Parts of it will even seem normal but for the most part I was trying to be normal and fit in. IOW it was an act and I could never keep it up for a sustained period of time. Altho at one point I did manage 13 yrs of semi normality.

Then there's the INTJ personality thing. Then there's my ADD but I managed to turn that into an asset as I got older. Throw some serious anger into the mix and some serious depression and a huge need for adrenaline and voila, you get me.

So my life has been a big mess most of the time. Still is but I can live with that too because that's how it's always been.

Rewind on depression and moving from Iowa

For some reason I got ahead of the story. Yesterdays post is correct, it's just not in the correct order. Evidently I copied the wrong page when I pasted it in to the blog. Before we moved to Denison from Sioux City we moved back to Minnesota. Then to Sioux City, then to Denison, then to LeMars Iowa.

Fairmont MN was a pretty cool place. Lots of lakes and I liked it there. Big enough so I wasn't much noticed by anyone but not so big I couldn't get around. Naturally I was behind in school again. No big deal there as I would catch up in a few weeks.

I really got tired of moving and being the new kid all the time tho. I was always the outsider and while I suppose it bothered me at the time and is probably partly accountable for the what I turned into I don't remember it bothering me much at the time.

There was always the same routine. The teachers loved me, the kids didn't like me because I was new, different and smart. Fighting was a common thing with every move and not something I feared at all. I took no shit and gave no quarter. After I had established I couldn't be bullied or beaten into submission things would be fine.

That's just how life worked back then. It was normal. The new kid always got picked on. Lol, the only good thing was sooner or later another new kid would come along. Usually I'd make friends with them but not always. The local kids would forget me and pick on the newer kid.

Because the town was on a chain of lakes I fished a lot. My stepfathers sister owned a lake place that was a bar and marina. We spent a lot of time there because they could drink and I could fish and be left alone. While I got in some minor trouble there it was a place I could still live and I considered it.

At the moment it's to close to all the girls I went out with and I don't want to get anywhere close to them because I don't trust myself. It would be to easy for me to feel lonely and call one of them and start up again. If I go out with one the rest will eventually find out and then it's the same crap all over again. No point in that.

It was a place I liked tho. Out of all the places I've lived MN is still my favorite place. The whole upper Midwest is decent but MN was always the best. I lived on the East Cost and hated it. Was really hard to find a good steak. I lived in LA and hated it. To many people, to many pretentious people and to damn much concrete. I lived down South and hated it. Just to freaking hot for to long.

As long as I have Internet I can live anywhere I want, now. That makes some people jealous. It was one hell of a journey getting to this point tho.

Enough wandering off the track again and back to MN. I had lots of experiences there and learned a lot more about life. I finally got to see my grandmother again too and I hadn't been allowed to see her since my mother moved us from my hometown.

Things are going to get worse.

You are the architect of your own life. Make it what you want.

Here's a quote from George Bernard Shaw: "People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them."

When I was a kid I was severely abused. Physically, mentally and sexually. We were poorer than most people in town and 4 of us lived in a one br house with no running water. Those are the circumstances I was born into.

I didn't choose to be born into them and I sure as hell didn't like them. I couldn't wait until I got old enough to change them and change them I did. Yes, a lot of my upbringing still haunts me and depresses me but I have never let that hold me back.

4 different times I've decided I didn't like my circumstances and 4 different times I changed them to be something I liked better. I've started my life over with nothing a couple of times and the other two I started it over with a bit of money and then a larger chunk of money.

I've dated lots of girls from the ghetto and they all whine they can't get out or they can't be what they want. However none of them want to change their circumstances bad enough to do anything about them. They just want to feel oppressed and victimized and bitch about it.

They don't want to move, they don't want to change the people they hang out with, they don't want to work at McDonald's and they want to blame everyone and everything else for what they are and where they are. That's total bullshit. If you don't like your life, CHANGE IT!

Heh, they tell me I've got it made and don't believe me when I tell them what and where I came from. Sheesh, most of them had it and have it way better than I did yet because I've made some money they all think I was born with it and always had it.

They don't believe me when I tell them I've been homeless, they don't believe I was so broke I didn't eat for days at a time, they don't believe I picked up cigarette butts from the side of the road and smoked them. Why don't they believe me? The only thing I can think of is they believe you are stuck with what and where you were born and that it can't be changed.

They think working at McDonald's is beneath them. They think letting others take care of them or the govt take care of them is a good thing yet they bitch they don't like it. I have to much pride to let others take care of me, I have t much pride to ask others for a place to stay or food to eat. If I have to work at McDonald's to make a better life for myself I'm going to.

The job you do doesn't matter as long as you are taking care of yourself. If I had to work at a fast food place I'd save every cent I could. No drinking, no drugs, no buying things I can't afford, living as cheaply as possible until I can find something better.

The last time I decided I didn't like my circumstances I had my own business. We were about to sign a contract for nationwide distribution of our products when my ex wife went off the deep end. She had a fear of success and I had a fear of failure. I ended up giving her the company and leaving.

I had 1200 bucks, an old pickup and the clothes on my back. I worked at a crappy telemarketing job for a year and saved every cent I could. I lived in a dumpy three room apt and drove a 15 yr old chevy. I had nothing but a bed, cheap ass recliner, tv and microwave plus a few dishes.

I finally found a computer job I wanted but I'd already saved 3000 bucks from my working at the telemarketing job. 5 months later I had 5 thousand saved and went and paid cash for a PC at Wal-Mart. Then I taught myself how to build websites during my spare time. 6 months later I got laid off at my computer job but I didn't care as I was making more on the net than my job was paying me. That was 1996.

I've made quite a bit of money on the net, got married again and divorced again when she ran off with someone she met on the net 5 years later. She also left me with more than a couple of problems with the IRS, she stole 300 thousand and that left me with less than she had plus the IRS bill because she never made the tax deposits.

The net got saturated with people doing what I was doing so business went to hell. I either sold or gave away most of what I owned and moved to a different town. I still had enough cash to live on but not enough to do anything fancy or drive a BMW. Then it got worse and I started dating people I should have just left alone.

Once again I got tired of my circumstances and in February of this year I packed my Aztek with everything I wanted and drove off. I've spent the last months learning to do different things on the net and contemplating my life and what I believe. Things are getting better and I expect they will get to be the best they have ever been.

Why is that? Because I'm not afraid to pickup, move on and start over. At least this time I'm not starting as close to the bottom as I have before but that's because I learned to keep some start over emergency money stashed away.

I'm making new circumstances for myself because I didn't like the old ones. Anyone can do this but you have to be willing to work to do it. I won't say it's easy because it's not but I'm not going to accept handouts or sit and whine about my life. It's my life and I can make it what I want. So can you so go ahead and change yours to what you want it to be. It's a choice you have. Make your life better or stop whining about it.

Stressed, depressed and worse, lied to

While we lived in Sioux City my mother would occasionally be gone over night or even for the weekend. I didn't care and was mostly glad to see she was gone.

Turns out what she was really doing was going out with and stay with a guy. She finally brought him to Sioux City and introduced my sister and I to him. He struck out the first day I met him as he had beer on his breath.

He was also a suckup, giving me 50 cents or a dollar every time he came. I didn't like him or think much of him. He didn't play with us, wasn't particularly interested in me and basically he and my mother couldn't wait to leave.

My sister liked him a lot tho. Lol, stands to reason as she's the one who got all of the attention and all of the new stuff. I won't say I didn't like the money as it let me buy more of the chocolate donuts that I loved. I finally ate so many of the things I didn't crave them anymore.

I was stressed when he was around so I'd escape and run the streets as much as possible. He never raised his voice to me or hit me, I just didn't like him. Probably a big part of the reason was because he wasn't my dad.

He didn't know how to fish, hunt, roller skate or any of the other things I loved to do. Heh, just remembered but I used to fish for some of the bigger minnows in the creek we weren't supposed to play in. Had a long branch with some string tied on it and a hook at the end. I used bugs and worms for bait. It was fun but catching those big minnows was harder than I thought.

Just had a thought but here's something no one knows about me. Of track but...when I was a kid I used to read under the blankets with a flashlight or put my little lamp under the covers if my parents were home.

School was good, life wasn't to bad overall and I was more or less content. Then one night my mother woke me up and told me we were going to move back to MN and that she was going to marry the guy she'd been seeing. I found out later she'd been seeing him before she left my Dad.

I was pissed. Really pissed and scared. At least living with her parents I was a lot safer than being away from them. At least we weren't moving until school was out. My life didn't get better but it did get different.

More on my life in Sioux City and depression

Don't make the mistake of thinking because I was happier I wasn't depressed anymore. I missed my grandmother very much and my Dad too. If I even talked about either of them around my mother I got hit and told how much like my father I was. It took her a long time to understand that I took that as being a good thing.

At this point in my life I could have still been saved from what I was going to become. It wouldn't have been easy but it could have been done. I was still getting straight "A" in school but school was really boring and no challenge at all. The school wanted me to skip a grade two different times but she wouldn't okay it. I never did know why and still don't.

At my age I had to watch what ever my grandfather decided. TV was still in black and white back then and we could get 3 stations. We watched a lot of boxing and wrestling together and in the mornings I could watch cartoons. Cartoons in black and white sucked. We always had to watch Ed Sullivan. Heh, I can remember when Elvis and the Beatles were on that show. Lol, both in B and W and not at the same time. ;)

I still read everything I could get my hands on and I was and still am a faster than average reader. Notice that doesn't translate in a good writer tho. I hated English class. My punctuation sucks, I know. Anyway there were a lot more places to steal comics and books from.

So we lived in Sioux City and my life was easy. I didn't have to watch my sister, feed her, cook for us or do anything. Not even dishes. I finally got the opportunity to be a kid and didn't know how. That sucks. Soon I was about to get a major shock in my life and it didn't make me very happy.

I thought it would make my life even better but it didn't. It was shortly after that when I knew I could no longer be saved from what I was going to become. Once again I had to choose between nerd and hard ass. Once gain I chose what I needed to so as to survive.

It was obviously a good choice as I did survive but not one kids should have to make, I had one hell of an exciting life and for a long, long, time lived on the wild side and loved it. More about that tomorrow.

Revelations and wanderings of my depressed mind

In the last couple of weeks I've mad a lot of decisions that are going to give me a better future. Yes, I know, experts say you shouldn't make major life decisions when you are seriously depressed. Having done things my own way all of my life I'll do depression and decisions my own way too.

Lol, that's one of the two or three songs I want played at my funeral or memorial service. "My Way" by Frank Sinatra. I've been successful at many different things and I've done them the way I wanted, not the way the experts said but MY WAY. Just as I will do them for the rest of my life.

It's possible that I may be deluding myself about my depression getting better but I don't think so and the bottom line is that's all that matters. Remember, it's my reality and it's my mind and I can do with it whatever I think it's capable of. What my mind believes is all that counts. What you believe of me does not matter. What you expect of me does not matter. What I expect of myself is what matters.

Now I don't know which decision was the biggest or the best as I made a lot of them. I decided to move from an area I'd lived in for the last 12 years. I decided to end my relationships with the girls I was dating because I was letting them influence me in a negative way. I decided to stop dating girl like them and start attracting a different type of person into my life. I changed the direction of my business. I decided on a purpose for the rest of my life. I decided to be more friendly and understanding of people. I also decided one other important thing. I'm going to have everything in my life that will make me happy.

One other little thing, I decided that I'm going to have plenty of money to be able to do what I want and a percentage of that money is going to go to help people who want to help themselves. No, not as charity. I don't really believe in charity as helping, except in emergencies. What I do believe is people take advantage of charity and get lazy about their own lives and want someone to take care of them.

I don't believe in taking care of people but I do believe in helping to teach them to take care of themselves. Like the old saying goes, give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. There are people who feel as hopeless and as helpless as I did as a kid and those are the people I want to help.

It's really that simple. No one was there for me and I want to be there to help whoever I can help with what I know. IOW I want to be a teacher. Not your conventional teacher like you have in school of college because the things I know, you don't learn there. Nor will I be teaching conventional students but in general teaching people who know all about the school of hard knocks.

As a general rule these are hard people to reach and to deal with. They know of you are full of crap, if you've been where they are, if you are all flash no cash and if you talk the talk or walk the walk. They immediately know if you understand and know or if you just understand. A psychologist understands but doesn't know. Understanding without knowing isn't really understanding.

I had a shrink once, yep court appointed, who tried to explain life to me, who told me how I should live, what decisions I should have made in certain situations and in general why my life was all messed up. He didn't know one damn thing about me or the situations. He'd never been in a life or death situation, he'd never been hungry, he'd never lacked anything, he'd never been homeless, he'd never been anything at all but a college educated idiot.

Everything he thought he knew about life he'd learned from a book and he wanted to apply what he'd learned from the book to everyone, in the same way. This man who people looked up to had never lived a life yet he wanted to tell me how to live mine. He may have understood but he sure didn't have a clue. Of course what would you expect from someone 55 years old who still lived with his mother and had all of his life. He lived with her even while he went to college.

There was no way he could help me because I knew he didn't know what he was talking about. If you haven't been there then it's all abstract and you don't understand the problems in most cases. The people I want to help feel like no one else understands. Well I do because I've been there, done that.

Why have I decided to do the things I've decided to do? Because they will make me feel good and feeling good will make my life better. Helping others will help me be happier and that will be a good thing.

So what made me change my life so radically in the depths of a depression? Just one thing and it came at exactly the right time. I'd been trying to explain what I believe, to one person, for as long as I've know her. Particularly in the area of making ones own reality and what and who you allow into that reality. We've had many a fight over this and we aren't speaking now. I have refused to speak with her until she meets my standards for being in my reality. I love her but I don't much like her because she is so damn unreliable and manipulative and full of drama.

When I watched the videos for "The Secret" I had at last found something she would be able to understand. All the things I believe possible, all the things I've believed for a long time and could never explain adequately. All the things I wanted her to understand about life. So I sent her the url to the videos and the lessons and told her when she finished them whether she understood them or not I would speak with her again.

She's a smart girl and she will understand. Lol, I took out insurance tho and told her she had to answer questions for me to prove she'd read the lessons and watched the videos. I know she has them on her computer as I had uploaded them to my own server and she was the only one with the url. Checking server stats I now who visited, what time, where they came from and a lot of other things. So I know she has them.

The things she will learn will change her life just as applying what I know has changed mine. What influenced me so much? You can check out the secret by clicking here I hope you read it, understand it and apply it to your own life. Hopefully you will have some of the same revelations I did.

Interesting, I'm not stressed or depressed today.

I ended a chapter in my life yesterday and a different one the day before. The last two girls I was dating are no longer in my life.

I had expected to be stressed out and depressed all day today. I left for a month long trip this morning and thought I'd have at least one of the girls on my mind, most of the time. Surprises me that I didn't as when I drive my mind kinda floats free and random thoughts keep popping in.

Never thought about either one of them to much at all. So far it's been a great day and the future will be even better. Figure it out yet? I dumped them! I got tired of them not meeting my standards, not doing what they said and all the drama they both have in their lives.

Driving doesn't stress me out, I love it. It lets me relax and be alone at the same time while going down the road. Funny but since I told the second one I wasn't going to see her anymore I've been in a good mood. I figured I'd be really depressed as somewhere along the last 19 months I've become emotionally needy.

Never was before but a girl back then made me feel emotions I hadn't felt since I was a little kid. I sure didn't know how to deal with them but I knew I wanted more of those feelings so I developed a really bad case of approval seeking behavior and a huge need for someone to hold and cuddle me.

I sure put up with a lot of crap to get the attention I so desperately wanted tho. It's really a good thing that I LIKE women in general as the last 19 months have been nothing but women who weren't good for me at all, liars, cheats and manipulators with lives just full of drama.

Lol, I know all women aren't that way and somewhere along the way I will meet one, or maybe I already have, who will meet my minimum standards, be honest and reliable and care about me.

I met a really nice woman a couple of weeks ago and we are on our way to becoming good friends at the least but the way we miss talking to each other it will probably go farther. I want it to go very slow tho as I'm more in control and not that needy anymore.

It's very interesting to me that since I started being more positive mentally, after watching the Secret videos I mentioned before, I'm actually taking steps to make my life better, calmer and more peaceful. No more drama queens, no more liars, no more undependable people. nothing but keeping my life as positive as I can make it.

I work everyday at making positive things happen in my life and learning to say positive things to myself. Even relationships. Instead of saying I don't want a relationship with liars and drama queens I am saying I want a caring, trusting, loving relationship. Instead of saying what I don't want I'm saying what I do want.

If today is any sign, what I'm doing is working. It's going to take some time to get better but at least being positive is helping me be less depressed.

The need for adrenaline and depression

I need to take a break from writing about my childhood. It's to damn depressing. ;) For most of my life, at least since I coould read and I could read at 5, I've been reading books about what makes me the way I am, how did I get this eay and every self help book you can imagine. Plus psychology books and books about social problems.

I've prety much been a thrill seeker all my life and I never ever was worried about what might happen. I was the first in my crowd to hop a moving train, I was the first to climb the water tower, I was the first to smoke and the first to get drunk. The more of an adrenaline rush I could get the happier I was.

I raced cars for two years at small tracks and actually got bored with it. I've been shot, stabbed and cut because of my huge need for the adrenaline rush. I spent a lot of time in places most people wouldn't go into voluntarily. Actually I was still doing that until last month when someone asked me to stop.

She argued with me for hours about driving thru the worst areas of Milwaukee to get to my girlfriends place which isn't in a very good area anyway but it's not the worst. I went into a house, in the worst area of the hood, with my girlfriend, 10 guys, 3 chicks and me. Oh I forget to mention my girlfriend is a black chick and I'm an old white guy. It was quite interesting but no adrenaline rush.

Anyway M finally asked me what I was trying to prove or who I was trying to prove it to. I did it because I was looking for a rush, to prove to myself that I still had the nads to do it and because I didn't give a damn if anything happened. No adrenaline rush driving thru the "hood" at 1:20 in the morning either. It's no shorter to go that way nor is it longer, it's just one way to get to her house from where I stay. So now I take the safer way 4 out of 5 times. Made my girlfriend happier too.

Wow, imagine this, I developed an alcohol problem. Sheesh, I wonder how that happened. Most people ended up in treatment back in 1980 for 30-60 days. I was there for nine freaking months before they finally let me out. Naturally I had a drink with my steak at the first steakhouse I came to the day they let me out.

A shrink told me once I was the kind of person who jumped off cliffs without a parchute because I had the confidence I'd be able to build one on the way down. Another shrink told me I was born about 150 years to late. Court ordered shrinks are mostly full of crap. For years I never made a plan of any kind. Whatever happened, happened. It was live from moment to moment and hunt the ever increasing need for adrenaline.

I was the kid your mother told you to stay away from. I had no friends, still don't, and didn't need any. I was always accused of being a ringleader or the leader and I never was. I was on my own path and if people followed me that was their choice and I didn't care. I did what I wanted, when I wanted and where I wanted and defied anyone to stop me. Despite that I was never a leader, I was just out in front. The rest followed like sheep and I seldom noticed.

Leadership implies caring about your followers and no one in authority ever got it that I didn't give a damn about anyone behind me. I ran around with an older crowd because the kids my age seemed so childish yet they almost always followed along behind me. Even the older guys I hung around with.

Y'all won't believe this but I was the first kid in town to wear blue jeans and I was the first kid in town to wear boots all the time. Back then wearing jeansmenat you were a bad person or a troublemaker or juvenile delinquent. Everyone wore slacks or khaki pants and no one wore jeans, but me. Heh, two years later every kid in town was wearing jeans. Believe it or not I started wearing them because back then you could get Levi's 3 pairs for 5 bucks. I had to buy my own clothes so I bought cheap, not popular. Funny, now slacks are cheaper than Levi's are.

The one thing I always had was plenty of girlfriends tho. Still do when I want to have. At this moment I'm not particularly interested in anyone but one girl and she isn't interested in me. Oh, forgot, broke up with the Milwaukee chick a couple of weeks ago. Didn't even care when it happened. I just got tired of her I guess.

Just like I'm tired of life. I might as well have written the next day in my life as remembering this stuff is as depressing as what I don't want to talk about or even remember. That's life, no matter how depressing it is or how bad it gets. Unfortunately, at least in my point of view, I'll get thru this too as I'm to damn stubborn to just freaking give up without a fight. Lol, even more depressing is when I get thru this it will just happen again as it has in the past. Now there's a lovely future.