Revelations and wanderings of my depressed mind

In the last couple of weeks I've mad a lot of decisions that are going to give me a better future. Yes, I know, experts say you shouldn't make major life decisions when you are seriously depressed. Having done things my own way all of my life I'll do depression and decisions my own way too.

Lol, that's one of the two or three songs I want played at my funeral or memorial service. "My Way" by Frank Sinatra. I've been successful at many different things and I've done them the way I wanted, not the way the experts said but MY WAY. Just as I will do them for the rest of my life.

It's possible that I may be deluding myself about my depression getting better but I don't think so and the bottom line is that's all that matters. Remember, it's my reality and it's my mind and I can do with it whatever I think it's capable of. What my mind believes is all that counts. What you believe of me does not matter. What you expect of me does not matter. What I expect of myself is what matters.

Now I don't know which decision was the biggest or the best as I made a lot of them. I decided to move from an area I'd lived in for the last 12 years. I decided to end my relationships with the girls I was dating because I was letting them influence me in a negative way. I decided to stop dating girl like them and start attracting a different type of person into my life. I changed the direction of my business. I decided on a purpose for the rest of my life. I decided to be more friendly and understanding of people. I also decided one other important thing. I'm going to have everything in my life that will make me happy.

One other little thing, I decided that I'm going to have plenty of money to be able to do what I want and a percentage of that money is going to go to help people who want to help themselves. No, not as charity. I don't really believe in charity as helping, except in emergencies. What I do believe is people take advantage of charity and get lazy about their own lives and want someone to take care of them.

I don't believe in taking care of people but I do believe in helping to teach them to take care of themselves. Like the old saying goes, give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. There are people who feel as hopeless and as helpless as I did as a kid and those are the people I want to help.

It's really that simple. No one was there for me and I want to be there to help whoever I can help with what I know. IOW I want to be a teacher. Not your conventional teacher like you have in school of college because the things I know, you don't learn there. Nor will I be teaching conventional students but in general teaching people who know all about the school of hard knocks.

As a general rule these are hard people to reach and to deal with. They know of you are full of crap, if you've been where they are, if you are all flash no cash and if you talk the talk or walk the walk. They immediately know if you understand and know or if you just understand. A psychologist understands but doesn't know. Understanding without knowing isn't really understanding.

I had a shrink once, yep court appointed, who tried to explain life to me, who told me how I should live, what decisions I should have made in certain situations and in general why my life was all messed up. He didn't know one damn thing about me or the situations. He'd never been in a life or death situation, he'd never been hungry, he'd never lacked anything, he'd never been homeless, he'd never been anything at all but a college educated idiot.

Everything he thought he knew about life he'd learned from a book and he wanted to apply what he'd learned from the book to everyone, in the same way. This man who people looked up to had never lived a life yet he wanted to tell me how to live mine. He may have understood but he sure didn't have a clue. Of course what would you expect from someone 55 years old who still lived with his mother and had all of his life. He lived with her even while he went to college.

There was no way he could help me because I knew he didn't know what he was talking about. If you haven't been there then it's all abstract and you don't understand the problems in most cases. The people I want to help feel like no one else understands. Well I do because I've been there, done that.

Why have I decided to do the things I've decided to do? Because they will make me feel good and feeling good will make my life better. Helping others will help me be happier and that will be a good thing.

So what made me change my life so radically in the depths of a depression? Just one thing and it came at exactly the right time. I'd been trying to explain what I believe, to one person, for as long as I've know her. Particularly in the area of making ones own reality and what and who you allow into that reality. We've had many a fight over this and we aren't speaking now. I have refused to speak with her until she meets my standards for being in my reality. I love her but I don't much like her because she is so damn unreliable and manipulative and full of drama.

When I watched the videos for "The Secret" I had at last found something she would be able to understand. All the things I believe possible, all the things I've believed for a long time and could never explain adequately. All the things I wanted her to understand about life. So I sent her the url to the videos and the lessons and told her when she finished them whether she understood them or not I would speak with her again.

She's a smart girl and she will understand. Lol, I took out insurance tho and told her she had to answer questions for me to prove she'd read the lessons and watched the videos. I know she has them on her computer as I had uploaded them to my own server and she was the only one with the url. Checking server stats I now who visited, what time, where they came from and a lot of other things. So I know she has them.

The things she will learn will change her life just as applying what I know has changed mine. What influenced me so much? You can check out the secret by clicking here I hope you read it, understand it and apply it to your own life. Hopefully you will have some of the same revelations I did.

Interesting, I'm not stressed or depressed today.

I ended a chapter in my life yesterday and a different one the day before. The last two girls I was dating are no longer in my life.

I had expected to be stressed out and depressed all day today. I left for a month long trip this morning and thought I'd have at least one of the girls on my mind, most of the time. Surprises me that I didn't as when I drive my mind kinda floats free and random thoughts keep popping in.

Never thought about either one of them to much at all. So far it's been a great day and the future will be even better. Figure it out yet? I dumped them! I got tired of them not meeting my standards, not doing what they said and all the drama they both have in their lives.

Driving doesn't stress me out, I love it. It lets me relax and be alone at the same time while going down the road. Funny but since I told the second one I wasn't going to see her anymore I've been in a good mood. I figured I'd be really depressed as somewhere along the last 19 months I've become emotionally needy.

Never was before but a girl back then made me feel emotions I hadn't felt since I was a little kid. I sure didn't know how to deal with them but I knew I wanted more of those feelings so I developed a really bad case of approval seeking behavior and a huge need for someone to hold and cuddle me.

I sure put up with a lot of crap to get the attention I so desperately wanted tho. It's really a good thing that I LIKE women in general as the last 19 months have been nothing but women who weren't good for me at all, liars, cheats and manipulators with lives just full of drama.

Lol, I know all women aren't that way and somewhere along the way I will meet one, or maybe I already have, who will meet my minimum standards, be honest and reliable and care about me.

I met a really nice woman a couple of weeks ago and we are on our way to becoming good friends at the least but the way we miss talking to each other it will probably go farther. I want it to go very slow tho as I'm more in control and not that needy anymore.

It's very interesting to me that since I started being more positive mentally, after watching the Secret videos I mentioned before, I'm actually taking steps to make my life better, calmer and more peaceful. No more drama queens, no more liars, no more undependable people. nothing but keeping my life as positive as I can make it.

I work everyday at making positive things happen in my life and learning to say positive things to myself. Even relationships. Instead of saying I don't want a relationship with liars and drama queens I am saying I want a caring, trusting, loving relationship. Instead of saying what I don't want I'm saying what I do want.

If today is any sign, what I'm doing is working. It's going to take some time to get better but at least being positive is helping me be less depressed.

So I'm depressed, so what and big deal.

I told you all before I don't want your sympathy just because I'm depressed. Except for the first few paragraphs this is going to be a happy post.

Today is the birthday of the bitch who gave birth to me. I'd have had better parents if I'd been raised by a pack of wolves. I never spoke to that woman for the last 15 years of her life and to this day don't feel guilty about it. Never will as it was one of the best decisions I ever made.

I put an end to the sexual abuse when I was 14 and I put an end to the physical abuse by my mother that same year and when I was 16 I put an end to the physical abuse by my stepfather. What I could never put an end to was the mental abuse. Turns out the mental abuse had far more serious consequences that the physical abuse or sexual abuse did.

Whatever!

I mentioned before that I hate anti depression drugs and their side effects. I'm no longer as seriously depressed as I was a month ago. My last serious depression I put an end to by getting massages and by learning to just go lay in the sun and do nothing.

Soon I will give up the zoloft. Why? Because when I get to depressed I forget who I am and what I can do with my mind. I'm in a part of the country where it's warm enough I can go lay in the sun for an hour a day and think good thoughts about what I want and where I'm going. That helps me immensly. It's not impossible that I have seasonal affective disorder and that may be why I get so depressed. I do know that the sun helps me feel better and if I can lay in the sun or be in the sun by a lake or pond I feel better.

I've studied the subconcious all of my life because I sincerely believe in the power of the mind. It's made me independent and I have enough so I don't have to work. Not enough so I can live large but enough I can live well enough to keep me happy. I've been able to use my mind to keep everyone of my emotions in check except for anger.

I know what causes anger, I know I make the choice to be angry about somethings and I also know I'm the only one who can change that. Just as you are the only one who can change you.

One girl used to upset me so much and make me forget who I wa so much that I finally made her ringtone the part of the Whitney Houston song I told you about in another post. Why? Because that part of the song reminds me of who I am and what I can do. It makes me remember who I am. I love her dearly but I don't like her much. This is not a contradiction tho as I don;t believe you can choose who you fall in love with.

If I could choose to love someone else I would. Heh, a girl I like proposed to me the other day, for the second time. I said no. I like her and we are friends but I wll never love her. If I could I would but it's just not there. I may end up living with her to see if it develops any further, it might but I doubt it.

Anyway, back to the subconcious mind and what it can do. I'm sure most of you have heard of the placebo effect. It's where people get well even when not being given the drugs they think they are receiving. It's the mind that makes this happen because they believe they have been given drugs that will help them but in reality they received a fake pill or a sugar pill. Scientists use palcebos in double blind studies. Sometimes the placebo works better than the drug. You can do some amazing things with our mind if you believe.

I've been using my mind this way for years and also using it to supress my feelings. That's now changing as I learned somethig the other day that caused me to rethink the way I was using my mind. It's called The Secret but I think it's a stupid name and it's never really been a secret. However watching the videos on youtube caused me to make a couple of changes in my thinking.

Does it work. I'd have to say yes it does. Will it help me not be depressed? Yes it will and I know that. will it do other things for me. Yes, it will and because of what I know about the subconcious from past learning it can and will help anyone. You can find out more about it here This can help you or anyone else so click here to see what its about I can guarantee you will be glad you did but only if you keep an open mind and watch the videos available.

I seldom recommend things to people unless I damn well know they work. For instance I know glucosamine whith chondroiton can help carpal tunnel. It pretty much cured mine and I had it so bad I couldn't pick up a cup of coffee. They wanted to do surgery on me and I wouldn't let them. when I told my cousin about what it did for me she tried it with the same results. Others tried it on our recommendation and it worked for them. Now scientists have proven it works. There are other things but you get the idea. If I didn't think it worked I wouldn't bother to mention it.

Another thing that can help mood is omega 3 fatty acids. Fish oil capsules are the best way to take it as it's really awful tasting crap but there is scientific evidence that it does cause people to feel better about themselves and be happier. Lol, I'll have to start taking it again too. When I get to depressed I forget everything I know about getting over it and seem to wallow in it for a while. Then I finally remember and start to get better.

I forget the other one that works but I'll remember it today sometime. All I can remember about it at the moment is they give it to pregnant women because it helps the fetus to develop but once again it was scientifically proven to work.

Learn to use your own mind to get what you want. Doesn't matter what it is you can have it if you believe you can. I don't believe I can, I KNOW I can. I can already tell a difference in my mood and my depression is much less and that's a good thing.

Due to the videos I watched I'm changing my daily routine and I don;t expect to be depressed much longer and I don't ever expect to be depressed again in the future. That's if I can make it a habit and don't just forget to do it.

Tomorrow I'll tell you something that can boost selfesteem and it too is so very simple no one believes it works.