It's the Memorial Day weekend holiday and as usual it's just another weekend to me. I have absolutely no good memories of any holidays as a kid. All the things that happened to me as a kid, during any holidays, still causes me problems today.
I don't like crowds, I don't like drunks, I don't like loud people and that's what it always was when I was a kid. With about 100% more chance that I was going to get beat or molested by someone.
People want me to come to their places for holidays and tell me to come, I'll have fun. Now and then I'm dumb enough to go but I seldom, if ever, have fun. Mostly I can't wait until I can go home and get comfortable.
Because of my sever chronic bronchitis and my even worse emphysema I now have a good excuse not to go to those kinds of things. Where I live now it's going to be 93 degrees today and the humidity, right now, is 95%. No way I'm going to leave the comfort of my air conditioned apt. to go sit outside at a BBQ and sit around drinking beer.
It's sad that I have no good memories of any holidays. It's sadder that it's affected me for this long and it's even sadder still that I still let it keep affecting me. One of the few things I like to do is go out in the boat but I cn no longer launch it or retrive it by myself so I sold it.
Had a pontoon for awhile and summer holidays I'd take a few friends out to the lake and we'd have a nice time but I chose those friends very carefully and sometimes they wouldn't be invited again the next year. Got to drunk or to loud or wanted to fight or argue while drunk. Sorry, nope.
So I'll pretty much be alone this weekend. The weather forecast is for the same weather for the next 5 days so I won't be going out at all. My fault for being stupid and smoking for 53 years. My GF understands but the places we would go together, those people don't understand. Nor will they ever.
Another part of my childhood. Never allow anyone to see a weakness. If they saw what kind of shape I'm really in and how bad I breathe and how much trouble it is for me to brethe they'd find a way to tke advantage of it. Doubt that's true but in my mind it sure is.
All part of the legacy of my childhood and the tons of unhappy holidays.
I've been watching the polygamous sect in Texas where they took the children away and this guy seems to have a good take on the realities of the law. Texas Polygamist Cult Wind in Court I think what happened to those kids is a disaster but I think what the law tried to do is even worse.
I wonder what legacy those children will have?
Showing posts with label depressing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depressing. Show all posts
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Christmas has come and gone. Good, it's depressing.
Depressing is what I call the holidays from Thanksgiving thru New Years day. It's never been a happy time of the year for me. It was one of the worst times of the year when I was a kid.
Drunks all over the place, drunks fighting and arguing all the time, drunks beating me and molesting me. Nothing but crowds of drunks being stupid. To bad they never had a trophy for the stupidest.
Then again I never got many presents either. Two I could rely on were from both of my grandmothers. Anything from my parents was iffy at best. However you should have seen the big bunch of stuff under the tree for my sister.
I'd get a few things, mostly cheap things and she would get a ton of stuff. From the time I was 4 there was no doubt in my mind who was the favorite, who was wanted and who wasn't. Lol, don't know if I told you before but not only did she always get more and better stuff than I did, she also NEVER got hit or beat.
As I got older I still never liked Christmas or the other holidays in the winter. To many bad memories of what happened to me when I was little. Once again they interfered with this Christmas.
Of course it wasn't just the memories that caused the problems. The fact that others are still greedy, uncaring and it's a commercial and greedy time of the year doesn't help. This hasn't been the worst Christmas I ever spent but it's not in the top twenty either.
Lol, lets see now. Number of gifts in 2003 none. 2004 one, 2005 3, 2006 one, 2007 none. In 2004 my landlady gave me a gift certificate for a free oil change. Lol, gave me one in 2005 too. For once, in 2005 I had a girlfriend and she gave me two. 2006 the cousin I was sharing a house with gave me a homemade pipe. In 2007 I have/had a GF but she decided it was more important for her to have gin and beer than it was to buy me a gift.
Doubtful the current GF will last long.
Doubt I'll have a GF next year.
Doubt I'll have another live in GF when this one is done.
Hookers are both monetarily and emotionally cheaper. ;) Ho, ho, ho
Drunks all over the place, drunks fighting and arguing all the time, drunks beating me and molesting me. Nothing but crowds of drunks being stupid. To bad they never had a trophy for the stupidest.
Then again I never got many presents either. Two I could rely on were from both of my grandmothers. Anything from my parents was iffy at best. However you should have seen the big bunch of stuff under the tree for my sister.
I'd get a few things, mostly cheap things and she would get a ton of stuff. From the time I was 4 there was no doubt in my mind who was the favorite, who was wanted and who wasn't. Lol, don't know if I told you before but not only did she always get more and better stuff than I did, she also NEVER got hit or beat.
As I got older I still never liked Christmas or the other holidays in the winter. To many bad memories of what happened to me when I was little. Once again they interfered with this Christmas.
Of course it wasn't just the memories that caused the problems. The fact that others are still greedy, uncaring and it's a commercial and greedy time of the year doesn't help. This hasn't been the worst Christmas I ever spent but it's not in the top twenty either.
Lol, lets see now. Number of gifts in 2003 none. 2004 one, 2005 3, 2006 one, 2007 none. In 2004 my landlady gave me a gift certificate for a free oil change. Lol, gave me one in 2005 too. For once, in 2005 I had a girlfriend and she gave me two. 2006 the cousin I was sharing a house with gave me a homemade pipe. In 2007 I have/had a GF but she decided it was more important for her to have gin and beer than it was to buy me a gift.
Doubtful the current GF will last long.
Doubt I'll have a GF next year.
Doubt I'll have another live in GF when this one is done.
Hookers are both monetarily and emotionally cheaper. ;) Ho, ho, ho
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Wandering around in my head gets depressing, it's not fair.
I remember to much and I think to much. I've started trying to keep track of the time I spend, just thinking. Sometimes I think about weird things like the power of your mind or cosmic consciousness.
Sometimes I think about my past life and what I'm going to write in here. That helps me to remember incidents that have happened. Sometimes I think about how am I going to open the boxes in my mind that I have kept sealed shut for years. Opening some will be scary and depressing and possibly dangerous. They've been hidden away that long for a reason.
Most times tho I'm either trying to teach my self a new way to think via 'The Secret" which advocates how to get what you want by stating things in a positive fashion. For instance, 'I want to have a safe driving record' as opposed to 'I don't want to get a ticket'. Changing my thought process from the negative, 'I don't want' to the positive 'I do want' is working.
Most of my thinking is about what I do want to do with my life in the future. Yes, I want a pretty, skinny, intelligent woman for a great relationship and I will get that. However that's just a very small part of what I want.
Lol, I know life is not fair. Trish, the love of my life, got angry at me because she wasn't allowed to talk to me about guys she went out with but I talked to her about chicks I went out with. Sent me an angry email about how it wasn't fair. She's right, it wasn't. However it did hurt me a lot to hear about her boyfriends.
My reply to her email was as angry as hers was. Who the hell said life was fair? Who the hell said I was fair? etc. Which made her even madder so we fought more. Besides, I was getting even for her cheating on me and having someone else's baby that she told everyone was mine all thru the pregnancy. Talk about not fair.
About an hour after we finished arguing I was reading something and found an interesting quote. 'Not being able to make everything perfectly fair is no reason not to make things more fair. ' and realized I was wrong. It's one of the reasons I went on permanent vacation.
I've always tried to be fair and for me to have gone that far off from what I believed to be right was an indication of how depressed I really was and how hurt and angry at her I was. Not just at her tho.
At other chicks too. Trish has a lot of spirit and coincidentally is black, lol, and 32 years younger than me. So to get over the hurt of us breaking up, it was vicious, both times, I started going out with other black chicks. Trish wasn't from the 'hood' or the ghetto but the girls I dated after her were.
Some from Minneapolis and Atlanta but mostly from Milwaukee. Now here too. The people up north live in better houses but that's about the only difference I can see. The problems are the same, the lack of opportunity is the same, the hopelessness and despair is the same.
Even tho these girls were 30 yrs younger than me, I still met most of their parents, brothers, sisters, etc. Lol, feels a little weird being one of two white guys at a family reunion of 300. I don't know how I got talked into that.
So what's any of this got do do with my thinking to much and what I want to do in the future? Simple, I have set a goal of making 5 million dollars in the next two years. What do I want to do with the money?
Why, play the game of course. What game? The getting people to do what I want and donate money game. Right or wrong, here's the plan. If you've got a better idea tell me about it. However I know I can do this and that it's the right thing to do.
When I make enough money so I can drive fancy cars, have a fancy house and girlfriend I want to start a foundation that works exclusively with girls trying to get out of the ghetto and helps them learn to have a better life.
With the intro to rich people that I will have due to the money I have I will be able to raise a lot more money and help a lot more people. It's where most of my money will also go. I have a lot of ideas that can help. Lol, my girlfriend or wife is going to be the one out in front, not me. Semi anonymous at least or at least not the one doing the talking to the big shots and media.
I not only want to change a little corner of my world I want to change a big corner of it for other people. Some just need an emergency taken care of, some just need a ride to work, some need counseling, most need a job that pays enough to live on.
BTW, I give people here rides to work when they need them, rides to the doctor or hospital and small loans now and then. Everyone appreciates it and I even get paid back by 95%. I don't ask for gas money but every now and then someone will offer so I take it. If I refused it would hurt their dignity.
While I don't have to work, I'm not rich either. Like most people I'm on a budget and I can only do so much. However I am doing what I can do to make my little corner of the world more fair and a little nicer for me and for the people I am able to help.
That, at least, makes me feel good. Do what you can to make your part of the world more fair. It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be more fair. I know you can't help everyone but you can certainly help a friend or a neighbor who needs it. Do your part to make it more fair.
Sometimes I think about my past life and what I'm going to write in here. That helps me to remember incidents that have happened. Sometimes I think about how am I going to open the boxes in my mind that I have kept sealed shut for years. Opening some will be scary and depressing and possibly dangerous. They've been hidden away that long for a reason.
Most times tho I'm either trying to teach my self a new way to think via 'The Secret" which advocates how to get what you want by stating things in a positive fashion. For instance, 'I want to have a safe driving record' as opposed to 'I don't want to get a ticket'. Changing my thought process from the negative, 'I don't want' to the positive 'I do want' is working.
Most of my thinking is about what I do want to do with my life in the future. Yes, I want a pretty, skinny, intelligent woman for a great relationship and I will get that. However that's just a very small part of what I want.
Lol, I know life is not fair. Trish, the love of my life, got angry at me because she wasn't allowed to talk to me about guys she went out with but I talked to her about chicks I went out with. Sent me an angry email about how it wasn't fair. She's right, it wasn't. However it did hurt me a lot to hear about her boyfriends.
My reply to her email was as angry as hers was. Who the hell said life was fair? Who the hell said I was fair? etc. Which made her even madder so we fought more. Besides, I was getting even for her cheating on me and having someone else's baby that she told everyone was mine all thru the pregnancy. Talk about not fair.
About an hour after we finished arguing I was reading something and found an interesting quote. 'Not being able to make everything perfectly fair is no reason not to make things more fair. ' and realized I was wrong. It's one of the reasons I went on permanent vacation.
I've always tried to be fair and for me to have gone that far off from what I believed to be right was an indication of how depressed I really was and how hurt and angry at her I was. Not just at her tho.
At other chicks too. Trish has a lot of spirit and coincidentally is black, lol, and 32 years younger than me. So to get over the hurt of us breaking up, it was vicious, both times, I started going out with other black chicks. Trish wasn't from the 'hood' or the ghetto but the girls I dated after her were.
Some from Minneapolis and Atlanta but mostly from Milwaukee. Now here too. The people up north live in better houses but that's about the only difference I can see. The problems are the same, the lack of opportunity is the same, the hopelessness and despair is the same.
Even tho these girls were 30 yrs younger than me, I still met most of their parents, brothers, sisters, etc. Lol, feels a little weird being one of two white guys at a family reunion of 300. I don't know how I got talked into that.
So what's any of this got do do with my thinking to much and what I want to do in the future? Simple, I have set a goal of making 5 million dollars in the next two years. What do I want to do with the money?
Why, play the game of course. What game? The getting people to do what I want and donate money game. Right or wrong, here's the plan. If you've got a better idea tell me about it. However I know I can do this and that it's the right thing to do.
When I make enough money so I can drive fancy cars, have a fancy house and girlfriend I want to start a foundation that works exclusively with girls trying to get out of the ghetto and helps them learn to have a better life.
With the intro to rich people that I will have due to the money I have I will be able to raise a lot more money and help a lot more people. It's where most of my money will also go. I have a lot of ideas that can help. Lol, my girlfriend or wife is going to be the one out in front, not me. Semi anonymous at least or at least not the one doing the talking to the big shots and media.
I not only want to change a little corner of my world I want to change a big corner of it for other people. Some just need an emergency taken care of, some just need a ride to work, some need counseling, most need a job that pays enough to live on.
BTW, I give people here rides to work when they need them, rides to the doctor or hospital and small loans now and then. Everyone appreciates it and I even get paid back by 95%. I don't ask for gas money but every now and then someone will offer so I take it. If I refused it would hurt their dignity.
While I don't have to work, I'm not rich either. Like most people I'm on a budget and I can only do so much. However I am doing what I can do to make my little corner of the world more fair and a little nicer for me and for the people I am able to help.
That, at least, makes me feel good. Do what you can to make your part of the world more fair. It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be more fair. I know you can't help everyone but you can certainly help a friend or a neighbor who needs it. Do your part to make it more fair.
Friday, August 17, 2007
Surreal life to some but it's all true and depressing
Lol, it wasn't surreal to me, it was just life. Daily life at that. I couldn't begin to put down everything that happened or that was done to me or the times I was left alone with a baby I wasn't capable of caring for at the age of 3 or 4. So many oddities and weird things have happened to me that I coined a word for them . Weirdities.
By the time of the bus depot in Fairmont I'd been molested over 100 times. Boring to put it all down over and over and over again. The physical beatings didn't bother me after the belt incident. The emotional abandonment and the damage that caused was worse. Still messes up my relationships.
What really pisses me off about that is I know it and yet I keep doing the same things. Many times. Over and over. Fits the definition of insane. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
I have a huge fear of abandonment and I deal with it by not letting anyone get close to me or not letting myself get emotionally involved. If they get to close I do something to push them away. Considering I date chicks with the same problems it makes for some intense but stormy relationships that don't last long.
Just this last two weeks I was dating two different women. Both older than my usual 20 somethings as I wanted to see if it was me or the younger chicks I was dating. One was 40 and one was 54. Liz, 54, was so emotionally needy and clingy that I couldn't deal with it at all. She tried to give me several things the very first meeting. A blanket, a CD and a picture. I saw her twice just to make sure it wasn't first time jitters. The second time she tried to give me more stuff and just wouldn't let go off me or stay off of me.
Liz is a nice lady, just so desperate for someone, anyone, to care about her that she pushes everyone away with her neediness. I can't do needy at all. Feels like I'm being bought with gifts.
Actually reminds me of my mother and what she used to try to do after she'd beat me so badly. Then she hold me and ask me if I wanted to go to a movie, get some Coke or Pepsi, get some candy, go to the lake, etc. IOW trying to buy me off for beating me. You just can't buy me with anything. Not even sex.
The second chick is Char. Greedy, grasping and manipulative. Naturally Char attracted me more because she didn't need me. However she didn't last long. 4 dates and 3 times hanging out at my place. Char wanted all of the perks of being a girlfriend or wife without giving anything back.
One of those people who think that everything they have is theirs and everything you have is theirs too. Plus those types of people have the audacity to get pissed when you assert yourself and let them know that what's mine is going to stay mine unless we are boyfriend and girlfriend.
When you are at my place I'll share almost anything I have with you. However I won't give you things to take with you to share with and impress your friends. Bummer, she didn't like that. Char thought because I'm older and nice I was also stupid and weak. She also thinks she's a great scammer.
She was wrong on all counts. I can predict her behavior with 100% accuracy. So I played with her for a week until I got bored and tired of it. Lol, she actually tried to teach me a lesson by staying out all night and when she called the next morning I told her all of her stuff was in my backseat and to come and get it. Checkmate, you lose. Bummer. Bye.
Funny thing is for as smart as Char is about manipulating people I told her exactly what she needed to do if she wanted me to get attached to her and emotionally involved. She couldn't do it, not even to get the things she wanted.
It's a long story but I've only met one female who was smart enough to play me, get everything she wanted and yet never ask for a thing. She was so good at it that it took me a couple of months to figure it out. Even then it would have never come together but she asked me a question one day.
She always shut her phone off when she was with me. Always. Naturally I noticed that she wasn't always on the phone but I thought it was just a coincidence or she had told her friends not to call. I never mentioned it so one day she asked me if I'd noticed she never got calls.
Told her yes and then she explained that she knew it made me feel good to be the complete focus of her attention. That she had learned from another chick that it drives me crazy to be with someone and have them be on the phone constantly with someone else. She had also learned that asking me for things wasn't likely to get her those things.
Guess what. Now when I want a chick I make a big show of turning off my phone so we aren't interrupted. Funny but I don't get enough calls anymore to worry about it but it makes them feel really important and chicks like that. I never, ever mention it but I make sure she sees me shut it off.
So she paid lots of attention to me, held my hand driving, in stores, out her arm around me and walked, etc. Would cuddle with me watching TV and in bed. When she saw something she wanted when we were shopping she'd casually mention that she liked it or wished she could afford it, etc. She spent her own money on necessities for herself and never asked me to pay for any of it.
Can you believe that when I knew she liked something I'd wait a few days and then get it for her and give it to her. Lol, got lots of hugs and affection for that. Even after I knew what she was doing I didn't stop. She was just that good and I craved the attention and the praise. She made me feel like she really cared about me and maybe she did. I don't know.
I still like her, she still likes me but she's not in my call list and she doesn't have my number. Haven't talked to her since February. I miss her but she's dangerous to my emotions so I don't want to get any closer to her than I was. Besides, I'm waiting patiently for Trish to come to her senses. Playing with others but still waiting.
Freaking Trish made me vulnerable again, made me want to live, made me want to have a future with her and made me have emotions again. Given our history I know exactly what will happen. Given the rules I live by I know exactly what I'll do.
Trish will eventually decide she can't dominate me and will eventually contact me and be very reliable. However she will wait to long and I'll be emotionally involved with someone else and I won't drop the one I'm with and go to her. No matter how much I want her and want to be with her it wouldn't be the right thing to do.
Then Trish will try even harder and eventually it will cause me problems with whoever I'm involved with and I'll end up leaving her. Then Trish and I will get together for a while until she decides shes the dominate one, again, and we'll end up back where we are now. Emotionally stupidity at it's finest.
I really dislike emotions because they make me indecisive, foolish, angry, needy and I act just like normal people because of them. They make me stupid and out of control. I hate that.
Anyway, my life doesn't seem surreal to me, it's just how it was. Weird things have happened in my life and yet I've never seen them as weird. Everyone else does but I see them as absolutely normal. Now when I get involved with someone I warn them upfront that weird stuff happens when I'm around.
Lol, keep reading this and you'll eventually see what I mean.
By the time of the bus depot in Fairmont I'd been molested over 100 times. Boring to put it all down over and over and over again. The physical beatings didn't bother me after the belt incident. The emotional abandonment and the damage that caused was worse. Still messes up my relationships.
What really pisses me off about that is I know it and yet I keep doing the same things. Many times. Over and over. Fits the definition of insane. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
I have a huge fear of abandonment and I deal with it by not letting anyone get close to me or not letting myself get emotionally involved. If they get to close I do something to push them away. Considering I date chicks with the same problems it makes for some intense but stormy relationships that don't last long.
Just this last two weeks I was dating two different women. Both older than my usual 20 somethings as I wanted to see if it was me or the younger chicks I was dating. One was 40 and one was 54. Liz, 54, was so emotionally needy and clingy that I couldn't deal with it at all. She tried to give me several things the very first meeting. A blanket, a CD and a picture. I saw her twice just to make sure it wasn't first time jitters. The second time she tried to give me more stuff and just wouldn't let go off me or stay off of me.
Liz is a nice lady, just so desperate for someone, anyone, to care about her that she pushes everyone away with her neediness. I can't do needy at all. Feels like I'm being bought with gifts.
Actually reminds me of my mother and what she used to try to do after she'd beat me so badly. Then she hold me and ask me if I wanted to go to a movie, get some Coke or Pepsi, get some candy, go to the lake, etc. IOW trying to buy me off for beating me. You just can't buy me with anything. Not even sex.
The second chick is Char. Greedy, grasping and manipulative. Naturally Char attracted me more because she didn't need me. However she didn't last long. 4 dates and 3 times hanging out at my place. Char wanted all of the perks of being a girlfriend or wife without giving anything back.
One of those people who think that everything they have is theirs and everything you have is theirs too. Plus those types of people have the audacity to get pissed when you assert yourself and let them know that what's mine is going to stay mine unless we are boyfriend and girlfriend.
When you are at my place I'll share almost anything I have with you. However I won't give you things to take with you to share with and impress your friends. Bummer, she didn't like that. Char thought because I'm older and nice I was also stupid and weak. She also thinks she's a great scammer.
She was wrong on all counts. I can predict her behavior with 100% accuracy. So I played with her for a week until I got bored and tired of it. Lol, she actually tried to teach me a lesson by staying out all night and when she called the next morning I told her all of her stuff was in my backseat and to come and get it. Checkmate, you lose. Bummer. Bye.
Funny thing is for as smart as Char is about manipulating people I told her exactly what she needed to do if she wanted me to get attached to her and emotionally involved. She couldn't do it, not even to get the things she wanted.
It's a long story but I've only met one female who was smart enough to play me, get everything she wanted and yet never ask for a thing. She was so good at it that it took me a couple of months to figure it out. Even then it would have never come together but she asked me a question one day.
She always shut her phone off when she was with me. Always. Naturally I noticed that she wasn't always on the phone but I thought it was just a coincidence or she had told her friends not to call. I never mentioned it so one day she asked me if I'd noticed she never got calls.
Told her yes and then she explained that she knew it made me feel good to be the complete focus of her attention. That she had learned from another chick that it drives me crazy to be with someone and have them be on the phone constantly with someone else. She had also learned that asking me for things wasn't likely to get her those things.
Guess what. Now when I want a chick I make a big show of turning off my phone so we aren't interrupted. Funny but I don't get enough calls anymore to worry about it but it makes them feel really important and chicks like that. I never, ever mention it but I make sure she sees me shut it off.
So she paid lots of attention to me, held my hand driving, in stores, out her arm around me and walked, etc. Would cuddle with me watching TV and in bed. When she saw something she wanted when we were shopping she'd casually mention that she liked it or wished she could afford it, etc. She spent her own money on necessities for herself and never asked me to pay for any of it.
Can you believe that when I knew she liked something I'd wait a few days and then get it for her and give it to her. Lol, got lots of hugs and affection for that. Even after I knew what she was doing I didn't stop. She was just that good and I craved the attention and the praise. She made me feel like she really cared about me and maybe she did. I don't know.
I still like her, she still likes me but she's not in my call list and she doesn't have my number. Haven't talked to her since February. I miss her but she's dangerous to my emotions so I don't want to get any closer to her than I was. Besides, I'm waiting patiently for Trish to come to her senses. Playing with others but still waiting.
Freaking Trish made me vulnerable again, made me want to live, made me want to have a future with her and made me have emotions again. Given our history I know exactly what will happen. Given the rules I live by I know exactly what I'll do.
Trish will eventually decide she can't dominate me and will eventually contact me and be very reliable. However she will wait to long and I'll be emotionally involved with someone else and I won't drop the one I'm with and go to her. No matter how much I want her and want to be with her it wouldn't be the right thing to do.
Then Trish will try even harder and eventually it will cause me problems with whoever I'm involved with and I'll end up leaving her. Then Trish and I will get together for a while until she decides shes the dominate one, again, and we'll end up back where we are now. Emotionally stupidity at it's finest.
I really dislike emotions because they make me indecisive, foolish, angry, needy and I act just like normal people because of them. They make me stupid and out of control. I hate that.
Anyway, my life doesn't seem surreal to me, it's just how it was. Weird things have happened in my life and yet I've never seen them as weird. Everyone else does but I see them as absolutely normal. Now when I get involved with someone I warn them upfront that weird stuff happens when I'm around.
Lol, keep reading this and you'll eventually see what I mean.
Monday, July 9, 2007
To young to have 20 dollar bills, that's depressing
As I said in the last addition to this stressed and depressed life story 20 dollar bills were a unexpected problem.
I'd stolen enough of the smaller bills from the bus depot and ones thru tens weren't a problem. However I stoled a pack of 20's and the first one I tried to spend I got a bunch of questions about where did I get it, etc.
Lied my ass off and got it cashed but I learned to be much more careful in the future. I also never stole anything bigger than 10's in the future.
20's were a problem because kids my age just didin;t have that much money. Everyone in town knew my parents and knew they didn't have that much money that their kids would have twenty dollar bills to be spending.
Now you have to remember that this was the late 50's and you could buy a car that ran and ran well for 20 bucks. So it was a huge amount of money for a kid to have.
I got around the whole problem by going to the grocery store and buying bread, mild, etc. so they'd think my parents sent me to the store for those things. Then I never got questioned. Just a PITA to have to break it up that way.
I couldn't keep the money on me or in my house so I put it in a jar and buried it in my back yard. Then because I couldn't always get to that money I buried some more in a couple of other places.
IOn the end I had about 2000 dollars buried in three different places. I'd also learned that you couldn't spend much beyond what people expected you to have, ala the 20's. I also learned to keep my mouth shut and to never let anyone else know what I was doing or to brag about it.
So for a kid I had more money than I could safely spend. Lol, hell, I could have paid cash for a new car. Didn't dare but could have. ;)
BTW, the jar of money that was buried in my back yard is/was still there. When we finally moved I never had an opportunity to get it dug up. I got the other two but that one got left.
I do know that enough adrenaline can overcome depression because I never had a thought about my circumstances. the beatings I was still geting or any of the rest of it. At least until my uncle started showing up.
I'd stolen enough of the smaller bills from the bus depot and ones thru tens weren't a problem. However I stoled a pack of 20's and the first one I tried to spend I got a bunch of questions about where did I get it, etc.
Lied my ass off and got it cashed but I learned to be much more careful in the future. I also never stole anything bigger than 10's in the future.
20's were a problem because kids my age just didin;t have that much money. Everyone in town knew my parents and knew they didn't have that much money that their kids would have twenty dollar bills to be spending.
Now you have to remember that this was the late 50's and you could buy a car that ran and ran well for 20 bucks. So it was a huge amount of money for a kid to have.
I got around the whole problem by going to the grocery store and buying bread, mild, etc. so they'd think my parents sent me to the store for those things. Then I never got questioned. Just a PITA to have to break it up that way.
I couldn't keep the money on me or in my house so I put it in a jar and buried it in my back yard. Then because I couldn't always get to that money I buried some more in a couple of other places.
IOn the end I had about 2000 dollars buried in three different places. I'd also learned that you couldn't spend much beyond what people expected you to have, ala the 20's. I also learned to keep my mouth shut and to never let anyone else know what I was doing or to brag about it.
So for a kid I had more money than I could safely spend. Lol, hell, I could have paid cash for a new car. Didn't dare but could have. ;)
BTW, the jar of money that was buried in my back yard is/was still there. When we finally moved I never had an opportunity to get it dug up. I got the other two but that one got left.
I do know that enough adrenaline can overcome depression because I never had a thought about my circumstances. the beatings I was still geting or any of the rest of it. At least until my uncle started showing up.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Women are really irritating and depressing today.
I should stop listening to Bonnie Tyler music. Then I had a thought. Yep, that would solve all of both our problems. You should have figured out by now that I ran away from home because of a woman. Lol, I mean this time, in the present year of 2007. Well, in the past too but today I am talking today.
Some days I think she's the worst thing that ever happened to me and some days I think she's the best. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her, multiple times. She made me have feeling again and then fall in love.
Now you might think she doesn't feel the same way about me but you'd be wrong. She cares as much for me as I do for her. Lets just say I learned a long time ago to judge her actions not her words.
So why do we both feel the same way yet we aren't together or even speaking and I left town so she couldn't just drop in. Lots of reasons, tons of them but bottom line is we are both scared and pushing away as fast as we can.
Then there's the dominance issue. Hmmm, also the fact she didn't meet my ultimatum. ;) Still hasn't and until she does we won't speak. She's told me many times she doesn't want someone she can dominate.
We've had this battle before and I won. I'll win this time to because I'm a tad bit more stubborn than she is. If I give in I'm doomed to a life of semi friendship and her total unreliability. That's not what I want but I miss her so much that I want to talk to her everyday.
So I'll gamble, all or nothing. I will never, ever, make the mistake again of telling her I was wrong. NEVER!!!!!!! So she took my apology to mean I was weak and she was dominant and proceeded to act that way.
She knows my rules perfectly well and What I want in a woman or girl for a dating or a relationship. I know what she wants. Lol, she probably thinks I don't listen to her but I hear every word she says and even more of the things she doesn't say.
We were in her car one day when she came to visit me. Real, real early in our wierd relationship. We played catch, at Wal-mart checkout, with her keys for about 5 tosses because I really don't give a damn who drives. I trust her driving as much as mine or close. She doesn't realize that I won't ride with most people, my car, I drive or I don't go. Don't trust them driving at all.
So I don't care and I see it as a huge sign that I trust her and she sees it as me being a wimp. Lol, there's another thing, there are a lot of things that just don't matter to me that it took me a long time to learn that they don't really matter. One of them being not thinking about or caring about what people think of me.
She won the argument and I had my first big clue how to deal with her. She won with 4 little words. Be the man, okay. Hmmm, think about how loaded that is. How manipulative and how ego deflating all at once. I fell for it and I drove her car but I learned one hell of a lot with those 4 words.
Then I learned she played semantics games, then I learned she was stubborn and then I learned I was way to deeply in love with her. Then I learned she was unreliable, then I learned I couldn't deal with it without getting mad about it then we split. Then we got back together, then we split.
Same thing both times. Both times I made the same mistake. Won't happen again. Lol, I'm gonna treat her like men treated women in the fifties. Essentially, that's what she's asking for. I remember the fifties so that won't be to tough. Good thing it's not the 60's or it might be a problem.
Sheesh, I finally learned to treat women as equals about 15 yrs ago and now she wants me to stop that. Lol, I kinda like treating women as equals. Heh, we're going to have lots of future fights about money because I'm running the checkbook and the credit cards.
If we could ever work together we could conquer the world.
All that from the refrain of a song. "And I need you now tonight, And I need you more than ever, And if you only hold me tight, We'll be holding on forever" and "Once upon a time I was falling in love but now I'm only falling apart, There's nothing I can do, A total eclipse of the heart, Once upon a time there was light in my life but now there's only love in the dark, Nothing I can say, A total eclipse of the heart"
Geez, if I keep thinking about it I'm going to settle for things her way so writing this today is helping me maintain my strength of will. I know exactly when she will give in too. About two days after I become committed to someone else. Lol, the next relationship is doomed. Not because I'll leave to go to Patti tho but because I'll become real impatient with whoever I'm with and she'll get rid of me.
By the time I'm free Patti will be in a relationship and I'll be playing Total Eclipse of the Heart again. Sheesh, gotta change that outcome. See, women are irritating and depressing.
Some days I think she's the worst thing that ever happened to me and some days I think she's the best. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her, multiple times. She made me have feeling again and then fall in love.
Now you might think she doesn't feel the same way about me but you'd be wrong. She cares as much for me as I do for her. Lets just say I learned a long time ago to judge her actions not her words.
So why do we both feel the same way yet we aren't together or even speaking and I left town so she couldn't just drop in. Lots of reasons, tons of them but bottom line is we are both scared and pushing away as fast as we can.
Then there's the dominance issue. Hmmm, also the fact she didn't meet my ultimatum. ;) Still hasn't and until she does we won't speak. She's told me many times she doesn't want someone she can dominate.
We've had this battle before and I won. I'll win this time to because I'm a tad bit more stubborn than she is. If I give in I'm doomed to a life of semi friendship and her total unreliability. That's not what I want but I miss her so much that I want to talk to her everyday.
So I'll gamble, all or nothing. I will never, ever, make the mistake again of telling her I was wrong. NEVER!!!!!!! So she took my apology to mean I was weak and she was dominant and proceeded to act that way.
She knows my rules perfectly well and What I want in a woman or girl for a dating or a relationship. I know what she wants. Lol, she probably thinks I don't listen to her but I hear every word she says and even more of the things she doesn't say.
We were in her car one day when she came to visit me. Real, real early in our wierd relationship. We played catch, at Wal-mart checkout, with her keys for about 5 tosses because I really don't give a damn who drives. I trust her driving as much as mine or close. She doesn't realize that I won't ride with most people, my car, I drive or I don't go. Don't trust them driving at all.
So I don't care and I see it as a huge sign that I trust her and she sees it as me being a wimp. Lol, there's another thing, there are a lot of things that just don't matter to me that it took me a long time to learn that they don't really matter. One of them being not thinking about or caring about what people think of me.
She won the argument and I had my first big clue how to deal with her. She won with 4 little words. Be the man, okay. Hmmm, think about how loaded that is. How manipulative and how ego deflating all at once. I fell for it and I drove her car but I learned one hell of a lot with those 4 words.
Then I learned she played semantics games, then I learned she was stubborn and then I learned I was way to deeply in love with her. Then I learned she was unreliable, then I learned I couldn't deal with it without getting mad about it then we split. Then we got back together, then we split.
Same thing both times. Both times I made the same mistake. Won't happen again. Lol, I'm gonna treat her like men treated women in the fifties. Essentially, that's what she's asking for. I remember the fifties so that won't be to tough. Good thing it's not the 60's or it might be a problem.
Sheesh, I finally learned to treat women as equals about 15 yrs ago and now she wants me to stop that. Lol, I kinda like treating women as equals. Heh, we're going to have lots of future fights about money because I'm running the checkbook and the credit cards.
If we could ever work together we could conquer the world.
All that from the refrain of a song. "And I need you now tonight, And I need you more than ever, And if you only hold me tight, We'll be holding on forever" and "Once upon a time I was falling in love but now I'm only falling apart, There's nothing I can do, A total eclipse of the heart, Once upon a time there was light in my life but now there's only love in the dark, Nothing I can say, A total eclipse of the heart"
Geez, if I keep thinking about it I'm going to settle for things her way so writing this today is helping me maintain my strength of will. I know exactly when she will give in too. About two days after I become committed to someone else. Lol, the next relationship is doomed. Not because I'll leave to go to Patti tho but because I'll become real impatient with whoever I'm with and she'll get rid of me.
By the time I'm free Patti will be in a relationship and I'll be playing Total Eclipse of the Heart again. Sheesh, gotta change that outcome. See, women are irritating and depressing.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Women and relationships are also depressing.
Somewhere there's a beautiful woman with a man who is tired of sleeping with her. It really amused me when I read that yesterday. Kinda like that old song Never make a pretty woman your wife.
I've been out with a lot of beautiful women, even more average women and, yes, naturally a few ugly ones too. When I show people pictures of the chick I had my last real relationship with they tell me I must have been crazy to have dumped her.
She was model pretty. 6 feet tall, slim and gorgeous. Smart, quick and everything I wanted except for reliable. Oh, yeah, she sucked in bed and by that I don't mean gave good head. She was just plain not that good.
Lol, no, it wasn't my fault. She always got multiple orgasms because I just love eating some of that good snatch. She thought she deserved them and I agreed but silly me for thinking she should put any effort into it.
I mean, why should she? She's hot and guys are always after her so she always thought she didn't need to make it good. That line really reminded me of her. Had she been better in bed I might have overlooked some of the unreliable and still be there.
Beautiful women, in my experience, are a pita. Not all of them but most of them I've been with expect everything and give little. Not a major problem but damn you can't lie too. I can live with high maintenance but I can't live with people I can't rely on or people who lie to me more than twice.
Yep, it got to the point where no matter how beautiful she was I got tired of sleeping with her and putting up with her. I think it must have been the first time someone dumped her. Anyway she was freaked.
The last half night we spent together we were to the point she was supposed to be getting me off and she was more irritating than she was making it good. To the point I told her to stop and I got up and got dressed. She wanted to know where I was going and I told her back home as we were in a motel at the town her father lived. She was there to visit him.
She wanted to know what about her and I told her to call her father in the morning and have him come get her because I wasn't coming back. Then I left. Lol, she called 20 times in 60 miles and left a long nasty message.
I collected all her junk from my house and dropped it off at her sisters about 2 hours after I got home. Never slept with her again, never went out with her again and after we got done fighting I never talked to her again.
Not for 6 months anyway. Then she called me up all nice and apologized and swore she'd be different. So like a dumbass I let her move back in. First three days were great, next to she was back to her old self and the last two she was worse.
Sure reminded me quick why I left her before. This time I was a little nicer, I talked to her, we fought and I told her to never come back or call me again. Then I had to block her email and her phone number. Then I had to let my voice mail fill up.
She finally got the hint and stopped. She doesn't know that when she stopped I deleted all of her voice messages and never listened to them. Last I heard of her she was still bitching that I dumped her twice.
I went out with a lot of different chicks after that, most normal looking or average looking. Then I got involved with another really hot chick. Lol, I learned so much from the one I dumped that this new one didn't last 10 days and we never did live together.
What's depressing about all of this is I still care so damn much about her after all this time. It was a choice I made, twice, and I don't want to go thru it all again but damn I miss her. However I can't have a relationship with anyone I can't trust to do what they say or be honest and reliable. Not matter how beautiful they are.
What I don't get is why she didn't understand that if she didn't change and stay that way I wasn't going to stay. After all we talked about it and after I left her the first time she still didn't get the fact that I meant what I said.
Depressing.
I've been out with a lot of beautiful women, even more average women and, yes, naturally a few ugly ones too. When I show people pictures of the chick I had my last real relationship with they tell me I must have been crazy to have dumped her.
She was model pretty. 6 feet tall, slim and gorgeous. Smart, quick and everything I wanted except for reliable. Oh, yeah, she sucked in bed and by that I don't mean gave good head. She was just plain not that good.
Lol, no, it wasn't my fault. She always got multiple orgasms because I just love eating some of that good snatch. She thought she deserved them and I agreed but silly me for thinking she should put any effort into it.
I mean, why should she? She's hot and guys are always after her so she always thought she didn't need to make it good. That line really reminded me of her. Had she been better in bed I might have overlooked some of the unreliable and still be there.
Beautiful women, in my experience, are a pita. Not all of them but most of them I've been with expect everything and give little. Not a major problem but damn you can't lie too. I can live with high maintenance but I can't live with people I can't rely on or people who lie to me more than twice.
Yep, it got to the point where no matter how beautiful she was I got tired of sleeping with her and putting up with her. I think it must have been the first time someone dumped her. Anyway she was freaked.
The last half night we spent together we were to the point she was supposed to be getting me off and she was more irritating than she was making it good. To the point I told her to stop and I got up and got dressed. She wanted to know where I was going and I told her back home as we were in a motel at the town her father lived. She was there to visit him.
She wanted to know what about her and I told her to call her father in the morning and have him come get her because I wasn't coming back. Then I left. Lol, she called 20 times in 60 miles and left a long nasty message.
I collected all her junk from my house and dropped it off at her sisters about 2 hours after I got home. Never slept with her again, never went out with her again and after we got done fighting I never talked to her again.
Not for 6 months anyway. Then she called me up all nice and apologized and swore she'd be different. So like a dumbass I let her move back in. First three days were great, next to she was back to her old self and the last two she was worse.
Sure reminded me quick why I left her before. This time I was a little nicer, I talked to her, we fought and I told her to never come back or call me again. Then I had to block her email and her phone number. Then I had to let my voice mail fill up.
She finally got the hint and stopped. She doesn't know that when she stopped I deleted all of her voice messages and never listened to them. Last I heard of her she was still bitching that I dumped her twice.
I went out with a lot of different chicks after that, most normal looking or average looking. Then I got involved with another really hot chick. Lol, I learned so much from the one I dumped that this new one didn't last 10 days and we never did live together.
What's depressing about all of this is I still care so damn much about her after all this time. It was a choice I made, twice, and I don't want to go thru it all again but damn I miss her. However I can't have a relationship with anyone I can't trust to do what they say or be honest and reliable. Not matter how beautiful they are.
What I don't get is why she didn't understand that if she didn't change and stay that way I wasn't going to stay. After all we talked about it and after I left her the first time she still didn't get the fact that I meant what I said.
Depressing.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Writing about depression is depressing
Somedays it's really depressing to come here and write about being depressed all of my life. I don't like it and I don't always want to do it but I manage to on most days.
People have told me all of my life that I should write my life story. I could never understand why, still don't, but that's what this is going to be in the end. I know I'm missing things and I know I get tired of repeating things.
The abuse happened on a daily basis but I don't want to write about every little or big piece of abuse that happened. It's boring and depressing at the same time. It was just normal to me. Not as bad as some peoples and worse than others.
I was frequently beaten with belts, sticks, switches, ping pong paddles, coat hangers, hands, fists, feet etc. What ever was handy at the time. I was burned once that I can remember.
Verbally I was called names, humiliated in front of others, belittled, made fun of and every other way you can verbally abuse a person. I was screamed at frequently. Mostly by my mother.
I can't even begin to describe how it made me feel and I won't bother to try. I've said before I'm seriously understated and you'll just have to fill in the blanks as best you can. I will say that if you imagine the worst you'll probably be close.
Thinking about it and writing about it makes me sad. Depressed and very, very sad. It also gives me headaches now and then. My life is going to get better as I get older but it's also going to get worse as I get older in this retelling.
Parts of it will even seem normal but for the most part I was trying to be normal and fit in. IOW it was an act and I could never keep it up for a sustained period of time. Altho at one point I did manage 13 yrs of semi normality.
Then there's the INTJ personality thing. Then there's my ADD but I managed to turn that into an asset as I got older. Throw some serious anger into the mix and some serious depression and a huge need for adrenaline and voila, you get me.
So my life has been a big mess most of the time. Still is but I can live with that too because that's how it's always been.
People have told me all of my life that I should write my life story. I could never understand why, still don't, but that's what this is going to be in the end. I know I'm missing things and I know I get tired of repeating things.
The abuse happened on a daily basis but I don't want to write about every little or big piece of abuse that happened. It's boring and depressing at the same time. It was just normal to me. Not as bad as some peoples and worse than others.
I was frequently beaten with belts, sticks, switches, ping pong paddles, coat hangers, hands, fists, feet etc. What ever was handy at the time. I was burned once that I can remember.
Verbally I was called names, humiliated in front of others, belittled, made fun of and every other way you can verbally abuse a person. I was screamed at frequently. Mostly by my mother.
I can't even begin to describe how it made me feel and I won't bother to try. I've said before I'm seriously understated and you'll just have to fill in the blanks as best you can. I will say that if you imagine the worst you'll probably be close.
Thinking about it and writing about it makes me sad. Depressed and very, very sad. It also gives me headaches now and then. My life is going to get better as I get older but it's also going to get worse as I get older in this retelling.
Parts of it will even seem normal but for the most part I was trying to be normal and fit in. IOW it was an act and I could never keep it up for a sustained period of time. Altho at one point I did manage 13 yrs of semi normality.
Then there's the INTJ personality thing. Then there's my ADD but I managed to turn that into an asset as I got older. Throw some serious anger into the mix and some serious depression and a huge need for adrenaline and voila, you get me.
So my life has been a big mess most of the time. Still is but I can live with that too because that's how it's always been.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
The need for adrenaline and depression
I need to take a break from writing about my childhood. It's to damn depressing. ;) For most of my life, at least since I coould read and I could read at 5, I've been reading books about what makes me the way I am, how did I get this eay and every self help book you can imagine. Plus psychology books and books about social problems.
I've prety much been a thrill seeker all my life and I never ever was worried about what might happen. I was the first in my crowd to hop a moving train, I was the first to climb the water tower, I was the first to smoke and the first to get drunk. The more of an adrenaline rush I could get the happier I was.
I raced cars for two years at small tracks and actually got bored with it. I've been shot, stabbed and cut because of my huge need for the adrenaline rush. I spent a lot of time in places most people wouldn't go into voluntarily. Actually I was still doing that until last month when someone asked me to stop.
She argued with me for hours about driving thru the worst areas of Milwaukee to get to my girlfriends place which isn't in a very good area anyway but it's not the worst. I went into a house, in the worst area of the hood, with my girlfriend, 10 guys, 3 chicks and me. Oh I forget to mention my girlfriend is a black chick and I'm an old white guy. It was quite interesting but no adrenaline rush.
Anyway M finally asked me what I was trying to prove or who I was trying to prove it to. I did it because I was looking for a rush, to prove to myself that I still had the nads to do it and because I didn't give a damn if anything happened. No adrenaline rush driving thru the "hood" at 1:20 in the morning either. It's no shorter to go that way nor is it longer, it's just one way to get to her house from where I stay. So now I take the safer way 4 out of 5 times. Made my girlfriend happier too.
Wow, imagine this, I developed an alcohol problem. Sheesh, I wonder how that happened. Most people ended up in treatment back in 1980 for 30-60 days. I was there for nine freaking months before they finally let me out. Naturally I had a drink with my steak at the first steakhouse I came to the day they let me out.
A shrink told me once I was the kind of person who jumped off cliffs without a parchute because I had the confidence I'd be able to build one on the way down. Another shrink told me I was born about 150 years to late. Court ordered shrinks are mostly full of crap. For years I never made a plan of any kind. Whatever happened, happened. It was live from moment to moment and hunt the ever increasing need for adrenaline.
I was the kid your mother told you to stay away from. I had no friends, still don't, and didn't need any. I was always accused of being a ringleader or the leader and I never was. I was on my own path and if people followed me that was their choice and I didn't care. I did what I wanted, when I wanted and where I wanted and defied anyone to stop me. Despite that I was never a leader, I was just out in front. The rest followed like sheep and I seldom noticed.
Leadership implies caring about your followers and no one in authority ever got it that I didn't give a damn about anyone behind me. I ran around with an older crowd because the kids my age seemed so childish yet they almost always followed along behind me. Even the older guys I hung around with.
Y'all won't believe this but I was the first kid in town to wear blue jeans and I was the first kid in town to wear boots all the time. Back then wearing jeansmenat you were a bad person or a troublemaker or juvenile delinquent. Everyone wore slacks or khaki pants and no one wore jeans, but me. Heh, two years later every kid in town was wearing jeans. Believe it or not I started wearing them because back then you could get Levi's 3 pairs for 5 bucks. I had to buy my own clothes so I bought cheap, not popular. Funny, now slacks are cheaper than Levi's are.
The one thing I always had was plenty of girlfriends tho. Still do when I want to have. At this moment I'm not particularly interested in anyone but one girl and she isn't interested in me. Oh, forgot, broke up with the Milwaukee chick a couple of weeks ago. Didn't even care when it happened. I just got tired of her I guess.
Just like I'm tired of life. I might as well have written the next day in my life as remembering this stuff is as depressing as what I don't want to talk about or even remember. That's life, no matter how depressing it is or how bad it gets. Unfortunately, at least in my point of view, I'll get thru this too as I'm to damn stubborn to just freaking give up without a fight. Lol, even more depressing is when I get thru this it will just happen again as it has in the past. Now there's a lovely future.
I've prety much been a thrill seeker all my life and I never ever was worried about what might happen. I was the first in my crowd to hop a moving train, I was the first to climb the water tower, I was the first to smoke and the first to get drunk. The more of an adrenaline rush I could get the happier I was.
I raced cars for two years at small tracks and actually got bored with it. I've been shot, stabbed and cut because of my huge need for the adrenaline rush. I spent a lot of time in places most people wouldn't go into voluntarily. Actually I was still doing that until last month when someone asked me to stop.
She argued with me for hours about driving thru the worst areas of Milwaukee to get to my girlfriends place which isn't in a very good area anyway but it's not the worst. I went into a house, in the worst area of the hood, with my girlfriend, 10 guys, 3 chicks and me. Oh I forget to mention my girlfriend is a black chick and I'm an old white guy. It was quite interesting but no adrenaline rush.
Anyway M finally asked me what I was trying to prove or who I was trying to prove it to. I did it because I was looking for a rush, to prove to myself that I still had the nads to do it and because I didn't give a damn if anything happened. No adrenaline rush driving thru the "hood" at 1:20 in the morning either. It's no shorter to go that way nor is it longer, it's just one way to get to her house from where I stay. So now I take the safer way 4 out of 5 times. Made my girlfriend happier too.
Wow, imagine this, I developed an alcohol problem. Sheesh, I wonder how that happened. Most people ended up in treatment back in 1980 for 30-60 days. I was there for nine freaking months before they finally let me out. Naturally I had a drink with my steak at the first steakhouse I came to the day they let me out.
A shrink told me once I was the kind of person who jumped off cliffs without a parchute because I had the confidence I'd be able to build one on the way down. Another shrink told me I was born about 150 years to late. Court ordered shrinks are mostly full of crap. For years I never made a plan of any kind. Whatever happened, happened. It was live from moment to moment and hunt the ever increasing need for adrenaline.
I was the kid your mother told you to stay away from. I had no friends, still don't, and didn't need any. I was always accused of being a ringleader or the leader and I never was. I was on my own path and if people followed me that was their choice and I didn't care. I did what I wanted, when I wanted and where I wanted and defied anyone to stop me. Despite that I was never a leader, I was just out in front. The rest followed like sheep and I seldom noticed.
Leadership implies caring about your followers and no one in authority ever got it that I didn't give a damn about anyone behind me. I ran around with an older crowd because the kids my age seemed so childish yet they almost always followed along behind me. Even the older guys I hung around with.
Y'all won't believe this but I was the first kid in town to wear blue jeans and I was the first kid in town to wear boots all the time. Back then wearing jeansmenat you were a bad person or a troublemaker or juvenile delinquent. Everyone wore slacks or khaki pants and no one wore jeans, but me. Heh, two years later every kid in town was wearing jeans. Believe it or not I started wearing them because back then you could get Levi's 3 pairs for 5 bucks. I had to buy my own clothes so I bought cheap, not popular. Funny, now slacks are cheaper than Levi's are.
The one thing I always had was plenty of girlfriends tho. Still do when I want to have. At this moment I'm not particularly interested in anyone but one girl and she isn't interested in me. Oh, forgot, broke up with the Milwaukee chick a couple of weeks ago. Didn't even care when it happened. I just got tired of her I guess.
Just like I'm tired of life. I might as well have written the next day in my life as remembering this stuff is as depressing as what I don't want to talk about or even remember. That's life, no matter how depressing it is or how bad it gets. Unfortunately, at least in my point of view, I'll get thru this too as I'm to damn stubborn to just freaking give up without a fight. Lol, even more depressing is when I get thru this it will just happen again as it has in the past. Now there's a lovely future.
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