Writing about depression is depressing

Somedays it's really depressing to come here and write about being depressed all of my life. I don't like it and I don't always want to do it but I manage to on most days.

People have told me all of my life that I should write my life story. I could never understand why, still don't, but that's what this is going to be in the end. I know I'm missing things and I know I get tired of repeating things.

The abuse happened on a daily basis but I don't want to write about every little or big piece of abuse that happened. It's boring and depressing at the same time. It was just normal to me. Not as bad as some peoples and worse than others.

I was frequently beaten with belts, sticks, switches, ping pong paddles, coat hangers, hands, fists, feet etc. What ever was handy at the time. I was burned once that I can remember.

Verbally I was called names, humiliated in front of others, belittled, made fun of and every other way you can verbally abuse a person. I was screamed at frequently. Mostly by my mother.

I can't even begin to describe how it made me feel and I won't bother to try. I've said before I'm seriously understated and you'll just have to fill in the blanks as best you can. I will say that if you imagine the worst you'll probably be close.

Thinking about it and writing about it makes me sad. Depressed and very, very sad. It also gives me headaches now and then. My life is going to get better as I get older but it's also going to get worse as I get older in this retelling.

Parts of it will even seem normal but for the most part I was trying to be normal and fit in. IOW it was an act and I could never keep it up for a sustained period of time. Altho at one point I did manage 13 yrs of semi normality.

Then there's the INTJ personality thing. Then there's my ADD but I managed to turn that into an asset as I got older. Throw some serious anger into the mix and some serious depression and a huge need for adrenaline and voila, you get me.

So my life has been a big mess most of the time. Still is but I can live with that too because that's how it's always been.

A lot more of nothing interesting in Iowa

I don't really have to many memories of living in Sioux City the second time. Nothing major happened and for me it was just normal.

I did finally grow enough to get on top of the roof that was next to my grandmothers building tho. It was built pretty close and I figured out I could put my feet against my grandmothers bldg wall and my back on the other wall and then work my way up.

I found other places that worked too but this one provided me with a great hiding place and a place to observe what was happening without anyone knowing I was watching. At night it was really nice. Humans, much like animals, don't expect anything to happen from above and I was never noticed.

I still much prefer darkness to daylight. Even inside my house I keep it dark enough that I have to have a lamp on to see in the daytime. Brightness hurts my eyes and gives me a headache.

When we lived at the lake me ex wife, who must be afraid of the dark, demanded a night light outside. So we ended up with a regulation wooden telephone pole with a mercury vapor light on it that lit up about an acre.

Irritated the hell out of me and made me feel less safe than not having the light at all. Why? Because you can't see beyond the circle of light. Without the light I could see what was happening everywhere around the place. With the light all I could see was what was lighted.

She was afraid of her two ex husbands and with good reason. I wasn't afraid of either of them and in fact, they were afraid of me. Lol, helps to have a reputation as crazy now and then.

The other thing I remember about being in Sioux City is I had to babysit my sister one day so I just took her off wandering with me. We were out for hours just messing around like kids do. When we were on our way back home I found a pop bottle and it could be returned to the store for a nickle.

So I picked it up and was already tasting the chocolate donut I was going to get. As we got closer to home my sister told me to give it to her. I said no, wasn't going to happen. She told me if I didn't give it to her she was going to tell her mother I'd hit her and was being mean to her all day.

Whoops, there's an automatic bad beating coming if I don't give her the bottle. Little brat did crap like that all the time. You know I didn't give it to her and when she started hollering at me about it and what she was going to do I threw it down on the sidewalk and broke it.

That really pissed her off and she picked up the broken off neck of the bottle and threw it at my head. I got my arm up in front of my eyes in time and it sliced my elbow open. Bled like a stuck pig. Scared the hell out of her but really pissed me off. She had a really bad temper too and it really pissed her off not to get her way. Lol, still does. To bad, to sad.

My grandmother put two big band aids on it and it was fine. Left a nice scar tho and it's still there.

I don't know why but I seldom notice when I get cut on anything anymore. Been that way for about 25 years now. I helped Tina load the SUV at Sam's Club and when we finished she gasped and told me I was bleeding. About three inches above my right wrist on the outside of my arm and the blood was about to start dripping off my fingers. I never even felt it happen.

Probably happens about once a month and if I'm alone I don't notice it until I get blood on something or feel it running down my fingers or arm. OTOH I do have a very high pain threshold. I wonder if anyone has tested long term physically abused children, as adults, to see if their pain threshold is higher than non physically abused kids.

Funny but when I do have pain that requires drugs I need more drugs than the average person does to kill or minimize the pain. Maybe because I drank so much for so long. I don't know. I just know that I don't like pain of any kind. Mental or physical. I handle physical pain better than mental tho. Mental pain is the only reason this blog exists.

The story of my depression continues.

Lol, no, I won't get sidetracked today.

When we moved from behind my grandmothers house to a bigger place the only thing that changed was I didn't get sexually molested as often. The physical and mental abuse continued at the same rate. Not to belabor the pint but it continued pretty much at the same rate until I got big enough and scary enough to make it stop but that's still a few years in the future.

I did forget one thing tho. My great grandmother lived next to my grandmother. Nice lady but older than dirt. She did have this huge asparagus patch about 20 feet by 20 feet that I could hide in. Lots of bugs in the center of it but I stomped out an area I could sit in and I would take books in there to read while I hid from the adults. While the bugs bit a lot they weren't near as hard to take as the adults abusing me were. Funny, no one ever knew I used that as a hiding spot.

After we moved I had even more hiding spots I found in that area of town. I liked being alone then and I still require large amounts of time alone but I don't like being alone as much now. Being alone was purely a defense mechanism as it still is.

Until T came along I had been quite successful at not having emotions or letting them come to the surface. She brought things out in me I never knew existed anymore and as usual they caused pain. However in the beginning they caused more happiness and joy than they caused pain. For that reason I'm trying to learn to accept them and manage them now.

Lol, back to the topic. One day my dad talked to me and told me he thought my mother was going to runaway and take my sister and I with her. He told me to resist her and to runaway from her if I had to but not to go with her.

Now being a kid I knew they had problems, I knew my dad beat her and I knew she wasn't doing what she was supposed to be doing. What I couldn't figure out was, why, if she was going to run away, why she going to make me go along. She didn't want me so why force me to go. I know the reason now but I didn't then.

Eventually what my dad had told me, happened. I did my best to get away from her, I ran away from her, I hid and I fought against her when she put me in the car. I tried to jump out while it was moving but in the end she won. She was still to big for me to have any chance of dealing with her.

So we moved to Sioux City, Iowa. Into one of the poorest parts of town. I never saw my grandmother again for 4 or 5 years and I did see my father once in that time. A lot of things happened in Sioux City and those are stories for another day. Writing this stuff brings up a lot of bad memories and I don't want to deal with them today so I'm stopping here.

I'm in a good mood, I'm sorta happy and life is looking pretty fair for a change. It would look a lot better if I could find a chick I was interested in who was available. Heh, could be that I'm just to picky in that area but after rediscovering I still have emotions I don't want to waste them on someone who is going to cause nothing but pain.

While I'd be quite happy to have a loving caring relationship it's not my highest priority nor am I desperate to have one. My peace, calmness and tranquility still come first.

After my beating I turned into an angry kid

After making my update yesterday about my mother beating me so badly I was quite angry for the rest of the day. About the time I was getting over it the news came on and don't ya know they had an story about physical and sexual abuse. I have a forum at IBcynical Forum and I went off on a not so nice rant about the whole subject. If you are interested go take a look.

Child abuse is a subject that really irritates me because people knew I was being sexually, physically and mentally abused and no one did a damn thing about it. I was a very angry kid and back then there were no anger management activities for children nor any kind of anger management programs at all, not even for adults.

I never had any good role models when I was growing up and for sure never had any hero's. All I knew was anger, drinking, fighting and that kind of thing. Heh, I'm still way more comfortable in a bad ass bar than I am in an upscale place.

Anyway, the first time I saw Mr. Spock on Star Trek, that kinda dates me too, huh, I knew how I wanted to be. Cold, analytical and emotionless. Spock was everything I wanted to be. In control of himself at all times and logical.

I manged the cold and logical part very well and could even suppress all emotion except for one. Anger! For all the reading I did, all the research I did I was never able to find an effective way to control my anger. Well, I did find one way but it's not to workable for the most part. Staying away from people worked but I still had to go shopping for groceries, etc and would be in a constant state of irritation most of the time.

It's very obvious when I'm irritated as it comes out in my tone of voice and facial expressions. As hard as it may be for anyone to believe I'm very soft spoken but when irritated or angry I do speak louder. I also don't tend to sugar coat things when I speak so I've been called blunt, tactless and a bull in a china shop but the most frequent thing I'd hear was that I was an a**hole.

That one never bothered me and I encouraged it. MOF my whole personality is built on keeping people away from me and not letting anyone get anywhere close to me. The people who do get close to me are amazed how gentle I really am.

The girls I dated were all amazed when we would have sex that I was so extremely gentle with them and that their pleasure was more important to me than my own. It wasn't what they were expecting at all considering they knew how angry and irritable I could be. One of them described me as all porcupine and hard shell on the outside and all teddy bear on the inside.

One girl, who I fell in love with, made me feel emotions I hadn't felt for years and years. She even made me want to live. Now I can't get rid of the emotions and I don't know how to deal with them either. They confuse me and that irritates me to no end.

The psychologist I sent my ex wife and her kids to told me she could probably help me and I told her don't worry about it, I'll be fine. That was eight years ago and now I finally realize I'm not fine. Yeah, for being so intelligent sometimes I'm a slow learner, at least in that area.

I've spent 50 plus years being angry. I've used my anger to survive, I've used it to motivate myself and it's kept me alive more than once. I don't know how to be any other way. I'm very strong mentally unless I'm depressed and even then I'm still mentally tougher than everyone I know.

Nice huh? That's one of the problems with child abuse. Angry kids turn into even angrier adults. It doesn't make for a truly functional adult who enjoys much of anything. So now I'm 60 and angry and don't know how to change it. Nor am I sure I care to make the effort to try. My life expectancy is shorter than average due to the copd and I doubt there is enough time left in my life to fix all that's wrong and all that makes me so angry.

Like everyone else I want a quick fix and haven't been able to find one. Lol, don't anyone tell me to count to ten or to think or any of that simplistic crap. It doesn't work as the words come out of my mouth before my brain ever engages.

I'm rambling today, even worse than usual. What I want anyone to do who reads this is if you know or suspect any child is being abused, report it. Get involved, don't just stand on the sidelines and watch it happen. As far as I'm concerned if you know of child abuse and don't get involved you are as guilty as the person doing the abuse. Children are very precious things and everyone needs to do their part to protect them.

I'm a psychologists nightmare and some days I suspect if people knew the true thoughts going thru my head I'd be put in the funny farm for a long time. My depression is getting better but it's so slow. Seems to be no quick fix for that either. Funny, I can help other people fix or solve their personal problems but I sure can't fix my own. Ironic huh?

My life and why child abuse is so wrong

Child abuse is so wrong because it causes people like me. It hurts people it causes chronic depression and major depression, it causes low self esteem and much more.

One of my jobs at the house I was born in was to haul water from my grandma's house back to my house in a 5 gallon bucket. Damn bucket was almost as big as I was. I was really glad when we moved out of that house.

We moved and finally had running water and a bathroom, inside no less. No more freezing your balls off in the winter. My sister and I finally didn't have to sleep in the same room with our parents. Didn't make it much better because she and I still slept in one room upstairs. Lol, the only room upstairs. Basically and attic with floorboards. Hotter than hell in the summer, colder than hell in the winter.

You might think life got better but it didn't. Now besides taking care of my sister I had to do all the chores around the house. Vacuuming, dishes, garbage and everything else that needed done. I was 6 or so and some of it was just beyond my capabilities. Didn't matter tho because if I didn't do it perfect I got beaten.

So not much had really changed except location. I was still responsible for my sister, I was still being beaten and I was still being sexually abused by my uncle.

One time my parents had been gone for three days, naturally we were left alone, and my sister who was just over three was crying because she was hungry. I'd cooked everything available and there was no food left in the house, not even milk. Hell of a thing when a six yr old is cooking for a three yr old.

We were always given strict instructions when my parents would leave us, that we were to stay in the house, not go anywhere and not tell anyone they were gone. The punishment for committing any of those crimes was to be severly beaten.

My sister was crying so much I didn't see any choice but taking her to my grandma's house so she could eat. Me, I'd be fine but she had to eat. I also knew what the punishment was going to be and I knew it was going to be very, very bad but what was I going to do? Just let her cry until they came home. What if it was a few more days?

It was about 8 blocks to my grandma's house and she couldn't walk that far so I decided screw the punishment and I put her in the old wagon I had. I knew I was going to be hurt but I did it anyway. I pulled her in the wagon all the way to granma's house and told her what was wrong.

She was so mad at my parents if they'd been there she might have killed both of them. Anyway, she fed us and as it was late put us to bed on her big couch. At least my sister wasn't crying and we both had full bellies so life was good at the moment.

Thoe horror was yet to come. A couple of hours later my grandma woke us up and our parents were there. She raised hell with them about leaving us alone and hungry and then we left. I knew as soon as we turned the corner at the end of the alley it was going to start.

I was right! Soon as we turned my mother turned around and slapped me as hard as she could and started calling me names. Then she just kept hitting me until we got home. Once we got into the house my dad started beating me with his belt and I was crying very hard. So once again they beat me until they both got tired of it and I was sent to bed. Once again I tried to kill myself.

I'm so angry writing this I'm shaking. What was I supposed to do? I protected my sister and got the hell beat out of me for it. I suppose to this day it's why I'll always do the right thing no matter what the consequences are to me. That doing the right thing crap has cost me more than a few trips to jail or physical and mental pain or money.

That part doesn't matter though as I still do the right thing, not always the legal thing BUT the right thing. It still costs me and it's costing me today. No big deal though as I can handle it. Heh, there isn't anything I can't handle. I still protect women and kids from others and I guess I always will.

Most good people don't think I'm a very nice person but they don't have a clue. The people that I've helped during my life think I'm the greatest person they ever met. What do I think? Lol, not much as I did what I had to do at the time and that's just how I am. I can live with who and what I am.

Bottom line why child abuse is so wrong is because you end up with people like me who just don't give a damn if they live or die or what happens to them. Prisons are full of people just like me who were abused and just don't care. Society pays for it in the end and thats how that is.

Physical child abuse stories

I suppose I could tell my child abuse victims stories for a long time and I'm sure I'll tell you more of them in the future. They happened and that's a fact I can't escape. However child abuse stories get old and a lot of people have their own stories to tell. The problem is they do relate to my depression so there's no real way to get away from them.

While there are no pictures of physical child abuse of me I have seen other peoples pictures and other peoples scars. There were no hidden cameras back then and not to many people were taking pictures or movies of what they were doing to their kids. So no pics for proof, just my word.

One of the things that bothered me all of my life is the fact that people knew I was being abused and no one did anything to stop it. Even the minister at the church knew but back then there was no church child abuse policy nor even a school policy about abuse. Even my teachers knew and looked the other way.

In my mind there are only three different types of child abuse. Physical, mental and sexual. Under those three are all the subcategories of how it was done. Only one of those three types shows and that's the physical. To me the mental abuse is worse than the physical because those effects last a lifetime but I suppose everyone has their own ideas there too. Doesn't matter which is worse though because they are all bad.

Many people wonder why child abuse is so wrong and don't even believe what they are doing is hurting their kids, permanently. If you read some child abuse facts you'll discover that somewhere around 90% of abused children grow up to abuse their own children. There you have the exact reason I never had kids. I was very afraid I would do to them what was done to me and I would rather be dead than do that to any little kids.

Our prisons are full of people who know the effects of physical child abuse and I've been there myself. You can really hear some horror stories in jail or prison about beatings, torture, starvation, being locked in closets, etc. You don't raise beaten children to become truly functional adults but hey, I fake it pretty well most of the time.

Relationships are a huge problem for me because I have a huge fear of abandonment and rejection and need constant reassurance through both words and actions that the person I'm in a relationship with truly does care for me. It always felt to me like no one cared and that in turn caused me to feel that no one could ever possibly like me, care about me or love me. When they say they do I keep doing things I shouldn't to make them prove they do care. Yes, I'd say relationships are a major problem. Just another one of the of child abuse effects I live with. That's enough to depress me by itself.

Heh, I've been diagnosed with everything you can think of including ptsd, adhd, add, odd and many more. Lol, if they were to stick post it note labels on my body there wouldn't be enough room for everything shrinks have said are wrong with me. I'd save on clothes tho. ;) I lost track of how many times I've been arrested and how many times I've been in jail. Did a lot of 30 day sentences for fighting though or disorderly conduct.

About half of those fights were with abusers. I absolutely hate to see women or children abused and I've helped quite a few women who were in that situation. I have no qualms about hurting guys who hurt women. Funny because that's another thing I lived with. My father beat my mother frequently so once again there's the 90% chance I'd do the same. While I've been quite violent on occassion it's never, ever been directed at women or kids.

Matter of fact I've never been arrested for being a thief or anything else. Just some sort of violence. Take no crap and take no prisoners was my attitude. I've been shot, stabbed, cut and beaten to within an inch of my life because I wouldn't quit. I spent a lot of time in jails for doing what I believed was the right thing and I suppose I will again. Just can't seem to keep my nose out of it when I see a guy, I was going to say man but men don't do those things, hurting a woman. The police have never been to my house for a domestic disturbance and they never will be.

While I never physically abused women and was quite proud of that fact I was dismayed to discover that I did mentally abuse them. I never saw the mental thing as being abuse until after a couple of years with my ex wife. I put her and her sons through therapy with a really good therapist. Now and then the therapist and I would talk and she taught me a few things. Between her and my ex I did learn that mentally it's still abuse. I apologize here and now to every woman I ever mentally abused.

What's the cause of child abuse? Well according to all of the shrinks I've talked to it's because the abusers were abused. Most of the time anyway. Some people say there is a correlation between child abuse and homelessness but I'm not sure of that because I don't know many homeless people. I've been homeless before but it didn't have anything to do with my being raised by abusive parents. Unless I'm deep in denial about that it was more of a case of wrong place and bad times. It didn't last long as I'm to damn independent to be homeless and ask others for help.

That's enough of this for today. I'm sure anyone who reads these is tired of it by the end of what I have to say. All I can tell you is don't abuse your kids and don't abuse your woman if you want them to be good people. Besides, if I see you doing it I'm liable to hurt you as much as I can.

Funny, I've never seen myself as a victim.

So I'm depressed, so what and big deal.

I told you all before I don't want your sympathy just because I'm depressed. Except for the first few paragraphs this is going to be a happy post.

Today is the birthday of the bitch who gave birth to me. I'd have had better parents if I'd been raised by a pack of wolves. I never spoke to that woman for the last 15 years of her life and to this day don't feel guilty about it. Never will as it was one of the best decisions I ever made.

I put an end to the sexual abuse when I was 14 and I put an end to the physical abuse by my mother that same year and when I was 16 I put an end to the physical abuse by my stepfather. What I could never put an end to was the mental abuse. Turns out the mental abuse had far more serious consequences that the physical abuse or sexual abuse did.

Whatever!

I mentioned before that I hate anti depression drugs and their side effects. I'm no longer as seriously depressed as I was a month ago. My last serious depression I put an end to by getting massages and by learning to just go lay in the sun and do nothing.

Soon I will give up the zoloft. Why? Because when I get to depressed I forget who I am and what I can do with my mind. I'm in a part of the country where it's warm enough I can go lay in the sun for an hour a day and think good thoughts about what I want and where I'm going. That helps me immensly. It's not impossible that I have seasonal affective disorder and that may be why I get so depressed. I do know that the sun helps me feel better and if I can lay in the sun or be in the sun by a lake or pond I feel better.

I've studied the subconcious all of my life because I sincerely believe in the power of the mind. It's made me independent and I have enough so I don't have to work. Not enough so I can live large but enough I can live well enough to keep me happy. I've been able to use my mind to keep everyone of my emotions in check except for anger.

I know what causes anger, I know I make the choice to be angry about somethings and I also know I'm the only one who can change that. Just as you are the only one who can change you.

One girl used to upset me so much and make me forget who I wa so much that I finally made her ringtone the part of the Whitney Houston song I told you about in another post. Why? Because that part of the song reminds me of who I am and what I can do. It makes me remember who I am. I love her dearly but I don't like her much. This is not a contradiction tho as I don;t believe you can choose who you fall in love with.

If I could choose to love someone else I would. Heh, a girl I like proposed to me the other day, for the second time. I said no. I like her and we are friends but I wll never love her. If I could I would but it's just not there. I may end up living with her to see if it develops any further, it might but I doubt it.

Anyway, back to the subconcious mind and what it can do. I'm sure most of you have heard of the placebo effect. It's where people get well even when not being given the drugs they think they are receiving. It's the mind that makes this happen because they believe they have been given drugs that will help them but in reality they received a fake pill or a sugar pill. Scientists use palcebos in double blind studies. Sometimes the placebo works better than the drug. You can do some amazing things with our mind if you believe.

I've been using my mind this way for years and also using it to supress my feelings. That's now changing as I learned somethig the other day that caused me to rethink the way I was using my mind. It's called The Secret but I think it's a stupid name and it's never really been a secret. However watching the videos on youtube caused me to make a couple of changes in my thinking.

Does it work. I'd have to say yes it does. Will it help me not be depressed? Yes it will and I know that. will it do other things for me. Yes, it will and because of what I know about the subconcious from past learning it can and will help anyone. You can find out more about it here This can help you or anyone else so click here to see what its about I can guarantee you will be glad you did but only if you keep an open mind and watch the videos available.

I seldom recommend things to people unless I damn well know they work. For instance I know glucosamine whith chondroiton can help carpal tunnel. It pretty much cured mine and I had it so bad I couldn't pick up a cup of coffee. They wanted to do surgery on me and I wouldn't let them. when I told my cousin about what it did for me she tried it with the same results. Others tried it on our recommendation and it worked for them. Now scientists have proven it works. There are other things but you get the idea. If I didn't think it worked I wouldn't bother to mention it.

Another thing that can help mood is omega 3 fatty acids. Fish oil capsules are the best way to take it as it's really awful tasting crap but there is scientific evidence that it does cause people to feel better about themselves and be happier. Lol, I'll have to start taking it again too. When I get to depressed I forget everything I know about getting over it and seem to wallow in it for a while. Then I finally remember and start to get better.

I forget the other one that works but I'll remember it today sometime. All I can remember about it at the moment is they give it to pregnant women because it helps the fetus to develop but once again it was scientifically proven to work.

Learn to use your own mind to get what you want. Doesn't matter what it is you can have it if you believe you can. I don't believe I can, I KNOW I can. I can already tell a difference in my mood and my depression is much less and that's a good thing.

Due to the videos I watched I'm changing my daily routine and I don;t expect to be depressed much longer and I don't ever expect to be depressed again in the future. That's if I can make it a habit and don't just forget to do it.

Tomorrow I'll tell you something that can boost selfesteem and it too is so very simple no one believes it works.