Surreal life to some but it's all true and depressing

Lol, it wasn't surreal to me, it was just life. Daily life at that. I couldn't begin to put down everything that happened or that was done to me or the times I was left alone with a baby I wasn't capable of caring for at the age of 3 or 4. So many oddities and weird things have happened to me that I coined a word for them . Weirdities.

By the time of the bus depot in Fairmont I'd been molested over 100 times. Boring to put it all down over and over and over again. The physical beatings didn't bother me after the belt incident. The emotional abandonment and the damage that caused was worse. Still messes up my relationships.

What really pisses me off about that is I know it and yet I keep doing the same things. Many times. Over and over. Fits the definition of insane. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

I have a huge fear of abandonment and I deal with it by not letting anyone get close to me or not letting myself get emotionally involved. If they get to close I do something to push them away. Considering I date chicks with the same problems it makes for some intense but stormy relationships that don't last long.

Just this last two weeks I was dating two different women. Both older than my usual 20 somethings as I wanted to see if it was me or the younger chicks I was dating. One was 40 and one was 54. Liz, 54, was so emotionally needy and clingy that I couldn't deal with it at all. She tried to give me several things the very first meeting. A blanket, a CD and a picture. I saw her twice just to make sure it wasn't first time jitters. The second time she tried to give me more stuff and just wouldn't let go off me or stay off of me.

Liz is a nice lady, just so desperate for someone, anyone, to care about her that she pushes everyone away with her neediness. I can't do needy at all. Feels like I'm being bought with gifts.

Actually reminds me of my mother and what she used to try to do after she'd beat me so badly. Then she hold me and ask me if I wanted to go to a movie, get some Coke or Pepsi, get some candy, go to the lake, etc. IOW trying to buy me off for beating me. You just can't buy me with anything. Not even sex.

The second chick is Char. Greedy, grasping and manipulative. Naturally Char attracted me more because she didn't need me. However she didn't last long. 4 dates and 3 times hanging out at my place. Char wanted all of the perks of being a girlfriend or wife without giving anything back.

One of those people who think that everything they have is theirs and everything you have is theirs too. Plus those types of people have the audacity to get pissed when you assert yourself and let them know that what's mine is going to stay mine unless we are boyfriend and girlfriend.


When you are at my place I'll share almost anything I have with you. However I won't give you things to take with you to share with and impress your friends. Bummer, she didn't like that. Char thought because I'm older and nice I was also stupid and weak. She also thinks she's a great scammer.

She was wrong on all counts. I can predict her behavior with 100% accuracy. So I played with her for a week until I got bored and tired of it. Lol, she actually tried to teach me a lesson by staying out all night and when she called the next morning I told her all of her stuff was in my backseat and to come and get it. Checkmate, you lose. Bummer. Bye.

Funny thing is for as smart as Char is about manipulating people I told her exactly what she needed to do if she wanted me to get attached to her and emotionally involved. She couldn't do it, not even to get the things she wanted.

It's a long story but I've only met one female who was smart enough to play me, get everything she wanted and yet never ask for a thing. She was so good at it that it took me a couple of months to figure it out. Even then it would have never come together but she asked me a question one day.

She always shut her phone off when she was with me. Always. Naturally I noticed that she wasn't always on the phone but I thought it was just a coincidence or she had told her friends not to call. I never mentioned it so one day she asked me if I'd noticed she never got calls.

Told her yes and then she explained that she knew it made me feel good to be the complete focus of her attention. That she had learned from another chick that it drives me crazy to be with someone and have them be on the phone constantly with someone else. She had also learned that asking me for things wasn't likely to get her those things.

Guess what. Now when I want a chick I make a big show of turning off my phone so we aren't interrupted. Funny but I don't get enough calls anymore to worry about it but it makes them feel really important and chicks like that. I never, ever mention it but I make sure she sees me shut it off.

So she paid lots of attention to me, held my hand driving, in stores, out her arm around me and walked, etc. Would cuddle with me watching TV and in bed. When she saw something she wanted when we were shopping she'd casually mention that she liked it or wished she could afford it, etc. She spent her own money on necessities for herself and never asked me to pay for any of it.

Can you believe that when I knew she liked something I'd wait a few days and then get it for her and give it to her. Lol, got lots of hugs and affection for that. Even after I knew what she was doing I didn't stop. She was just that good and I craved the attention and the praise. She made me feel like she really cared about me and maybe she did. I don't know.

I still like her, she still likes me but she's not in my call list and she doesn't have my number. Haven't talked to her since February. I miss her but she's dangerous to my emotions so I don't want to get any closer to her than I was. Besides, I'm waiting patiently for Trish to come to her senses. Playing with others but still waiting.

Freaking Trish made me vulnerable again, made me want to live, made me want to have a future with her and made me have emotions again. Given our history I know exactly what will happen. Given the rules I live by I know exactly what I'll do.

Trish will eventually decide she can't dominate me and will eventually contact me and be very reliable. However she will wait to long and I'll be emotionally involved with someone else and I won't drop the one I'm with and go to her. No matter how much I want her and want to be with her it wouldn't be the right thing to do.

Then Trish will try even harder and eventually it will cause me problems with whoever I'm involved with and I'll end up leaving her. Then Trish and I will get together for a while until she decides shes the dominate one, again, and we'll end up back where we are now. Emotionally stupidity at it's finest.

I really dislike emotions because they make me indecisive, foolish, angry, needy and I act just like normal people because of them. They make me stupid and out of control. I hate that.

Anyway, my life doesn't seem surreal to me, it's just how it was. Weird things have happened in my life and yet I've never seen them as weird. Everyone else does but I see them as absolutely normal. Now when I get involved with someone I warn them upfront that weird stuff happens when I'm around.

Lol, keep reading this and you'll eventually see what I mean.

Somedays being alive is an awesome thing

Heh, today was worth being alive for. I suppose it's absolutely normal for the rest of you but it's a brand new thing to me. It was freaking awesome.

I went to the office to see if baby T was awake and wanted to go for a walk. She wasn't but mama T asked me if I wanted to go to Wal Mart with her so I went along. She's a couple of months pregnant and has stomach pain now and then so I make her let me lift the heavy stuff.

Being from India she's not used to having men voluntarily do things for her and in some ways I'm still chauvinist enough to think women shouldn't lift heavy stuff. Besides that, I notice when she winces or starts to grab her stomach. So we have a small, short, friendly battle that I always win.

She thinks I'm to old and fragile or something. From what she's said I gather it's a culture thing. That she doesn't want me to do it is also impressive after I thought about it. All of the girls I dated for the last 2 years expected it and bitched if I didn't do it. Besides, when I was raised women didn't work, except at home. The MAN took care of the family and did the heavy lifting.

We finally got all the stuff and got checked out and I wouldn't let her unload the cart either. When she drove into the motel parking lot K and baby T were out in front. Baby T waved at the car and then noticed I was in it and just started screaming at the top of her lungs and then ran toward me and the car with her little arms out.

I thought she was throwing a tantrum and mama T stopped the car. I was sitting there like an idiot watching her scream and run to my door with her arms out. Mama T finally told me to get out and pick her up. All this happened very fast but it was like I was in slow motion. I got out the same time baby T got to my door. She was speeding right into me and I just scooped her up and she stopped screaming right away and started hugging me.

After I picked her up I realized all that screaming and running was for me. Never in my life has anyone done that before. That definitely caused some emotions I've never felt before. I wonder if it happens to parents so much they just kinda blow it off and don't really realize how awesome that feeling is anymore? I hope not.

Only about two people knew that I really did like kids no matter how much I protested I couldn't stand the little brats. I used to have a rule about dating chicks with kids. I flat out wouldn't do it. Then I ran into one I really cared about and I broke my rule. Besides, she didn't tell me she had a kid until it was major lust.

She was surprised to find out that Zoey came right over to me and tryed to get on my lap. She said Zoey was usually quite shy with strangers. She was also surprised that I wasn't afraid of her or getting drooled on or any of the rest of it.

Heh, I still don't do diapers tho. One of the advantages of still being a bit of a chauvinist. I can if I have to tho. So I finally told her that I liked kids and got along well with them. Usually better than adults. Zoey used to crawl to her mother when we'd get to her place the way baby T came to me. Screaming and going as fast as she could.

Watching my girlfriend and her baby I always wondered what she felt. Now I know. It's awesome.

Stressed and depressed after moving to MN

The bitch who gave birth to me got married to my stepfather somewhere. Don't exactly know where and for sure don't care. I didn't like it and her and my sister may have needed someone to take care of them but I sure as hell didn't.

That attitude has prevailed all of my life. I don't ask for help, I don't need anyone and until recently I didn't really want anyone. I never let myself get close to people, I don't trust people and the only emotion I ever showed was anger or irritation. All they ever did was let me down and hurt me. With the exception of my paternal grandmother.

This attitude worked for me all of my life. It doesn't work for anyone else tho. Others I know have tried to be like me and they couldn't because they all had emotions they couldn't control. How I am worked pretty well for me. Heh, if you leave out the relationship part.

I was quite fine until Pattie made me fall in love with her. Damn woman caused emotions in me I never even knew existed anymore. I suppose she's the reason this blog exists. The only thing I know for sure is I don't know how to deal with emotions and all that comes with them. Never had to learn and suppressing them all was easier. I suspect if I hadn't I'd been dead long ago.

Emotions suck!

After they got married we moved to my step fathers hometown in Mn. It wasn't a bad place, smallish and cliqueish but not to bad. All of his relatives seemed to like me but I didn't like any of them. By then I was ten or so and they were just to normal. I smoked and drank and they were all Catholic goody two shoes types.

My stepfather worked for his brother as a meat cutter and I had to come to the store and work a couple of hours everyday. I still remember cleaning up the butcher shop part, saws, grinders, etc and making ground beef and bagging potatoes into 10 pound bags.

It didn't take me long to start hanging out with the worst kids in town. Funny but the police chiefs son and a preachers son were the two worst. Then came me. ;) You can sure get into a lot of trouble hanging out with a cops kid and a preachers kid.

I was behind in school because back then Iowa was about a year behind Mn. Took me all of two weeks to catch up and another week to pass everyone in my grade. Once again school recommended I skip a grade and once again my mother said no. So school was boring, again.

So we were all moved, I had new friends and nothing had really changed except locations. Well, almost nothing. My mother was more free to hit me and beat me and she did. My stepfather used his fists on me and kicked me but not nearly so often as my mother. He also didn't allow her to get as carried away beating me as she did before.

Lol, after they got married he also stopped giving me money. After a couple of weeks of living with him I learned that money, to him, was measured by the amount of dime glasses of beer he could buy. Yeah, you could get nickle and dime glasses of beer back then.

Every now and then he'd feel guilty and try to do something I liked or enjoyed but he was so inept and most outdoors things it wasn't even fun. The only thing we both liked was shooting the .22s on one of his relatives farms.

So life went on.

The story of my depression continues.

Lol, no, I won't get sidetracked today.

When we moved from behind my grandmothers house to a bigger place the only thing that changed was I didn't get sexually molested as often. The physical and mental abuse continued at the same rate. Not to belabor the pint but it continued pretty much at the same rate until I got big enough and scary enough to make it stop but that's still a few years in the future.

I did forget one thing tho. My great grandmother lived next to my grandmother. Nice lady but older than dirt. She did have this huge asparagus patch about 20 feet by 20 feet that I could hide in. Lots of bugs in the center of it but I stomped out an area I could sit in and I would take books in there to read while I hid from the adults. While the bugs bit a lot they weren't near as hard to take as the adults abusing me were. Funny, no one ever knew I used that as a hiding spot.

After we moved I had even more hiding spots I found in that area of town. I liked being alone then and I still require large amounts of time alone but I don't like being alone as much now. Being alone was purely a defense mechanism as it still is.

Until T came along I had been quite successful at not having emotions or letting them come to the surface. She brought things out in me I never knew existed anymore and as usual they caused pain. However in the beginning they caused more happiness and joy than they caused pain. For that reason I'm trying to learn to accept them and manage them now.

Lol, back to the topic. One day my dad talked to me and told me he thought my mother was going to runaway and take my sister and I with her. He told me to resist her and to runaway from her if I had to but not to go with her.

Now being a kid I knew they had problems, I knew my dad beat her and I knew she wasn't doing what she was supposed to be doing. What I couldn't figure out was, why, if she was going to run away, why she going to make me go along. She didn't want me so why force me to go. I know the reason now but I didn't then.

Eventually what my dad had told me, happened. I did my best to get away from her, I ran away from her, I hid and I fought against her when she put me in the car. I tried to jump out while it was moving but in the end she won. She was still to big for me to have any chance of dealing with her.

So we moved to Sioux City, Iowa. Into one of the poorest parts of town. I never saw my grandmother again for 4 or 5 years and I did see my father once in that time. A lot of things happened in Sioux City and those are stories for another day. Writing this stuff brings up a lot of bad memories and I don't want to deal with them today so I'm stopping here.

I'm in a good mood, I'm sorta happy and life is looking pretty fair for a change. It would look a lot better if I could find a chick I was interested in who was available. Heh, could be that I'm just to picky in that area but after rediscovering I still have emotions I don't want to waste them on someone who is going to cause nothing but pain.

While I'd be quite happy to have a loving caring relationship it's not my highest priority nor am I desperate to have one. My peace, calmness and tranquility still come first.

After my beating I turned into an angry kid

After making my update yesterday about my mother beating me so badly I was quite angry for the rest of the day. About the time I was getting over it the news came on and don't ya know they had an story about physical and sexual abuse. I have a forum at IBcynical Forum and I went off on a not so nice rant about the whole subject. If you are interested go take a look.

Child abuse is a subject that really irritates me because people knew I was being sexually, physically and mentally abused and no one did a damn thing about it. I was a very angry kid and back then there were no anger management activities for children nor any kind of anger management programs at all, not even for adults.

I never had any good role models when I was growing up and for sure never had any hero's. All I knew was anger, drinking, fighting and that kind of thing. Heh, I'm still way more comfortable in a bad ass bar than I am in an upscale place.

Anyway, the first time I saw Mr. Spock on Star Trek, that kinda dates me too, huh, I knew how I wanted to be. Cold, analytical and emotionless. Spock was everything I wanted to be. In control of himself at all times and logical.

I manged the cold and logical part very well and could even suppress all emotion except for one. Anger! For all the reading I did, all the research I did I was never able to find an effective way to control my anger. Well, I did find one way but it's not to workable for the most part. Staying away from people worked but I still had to go shopping for groceries, etc and would be in a constant state of irritation most of the time.

It's very obvious when I'm irritated as it comes out in my tone of voice and facial expressions. As hard as it may be for anyone to believe I'm very soft spoken but when irritated or angry I do speak louder. I also don't tend to sugar coat things when I speak so I've been called blunt, tactless and a bull in a china shop but the most frequent thing I'd hear was that I was an a**hole.

That one never bothered me and I encouraged it. MOF my whole personality is built on keeping people away from me and not letting anyone get anywhere close to me. The people who do get close to me are amazed how gentle I really am.

The girls I dated were all amazed when we would have sex that I was so extremely gentle with them and that their pleasure was more important to me than my own. It wasn't what they were expecting at all considering they knew how angry and irritable I could be. One of them described me as all porcupine and hard shell on the outside and all teddy bear on the inside.

One girl, who I fell in love with, made me feel emotions I hadn't felt for years and years. She even made me want to live. Now I can't get rid of the emotions and I don't know how to deal with them either. They confuse me and that irritates me to no end.

The psychologist I sent my ex wife and her kids to told me she could probably help me and I told her don't worry about it, I'll be fine. That was eight years ago and now I finally realize I'm not fine. Yeah, for being so intelligent sometimes I'm a slow learner, at least in that area.

I've spent 50 plus years being angry. I've used my anger to survive, I've used it to motivate myself and it's kept me alive more than once. I don't know how to be any other way. I'm very strong mentally unless I'm depressed and even then I'm still mentally tougher than everyone I know.

Nice huh? That's one of the problems with child abuse. Angry kids turn into even angrier adults. It doesn't make for a truly functional adult who enjoys much of anything. So now I'm 60 and angry and don't know how to change it. Nor am I sure I care to make the effort to try. My life expectancy is shorter than average due to the copd and I doubt there is enough time left in my life to fix all that's wrong and all that makes me so angry.

Like everyone else I want a quick fix and haven't been able to find one. Lol, don't anyone tell me to count to ten or to think or any of that simplistic crap. It doesn't work as the words come out of my mouth before my brain ever engages.

I'm rambling today, even worse than usual. What I want anyone to do who reads this is if you know or suspect any child is being abused, report it. Get involved, don't just stand on the sidelines and watch it happen. As far as I'm concerned if you know of child abuse and don't get involved you are as guilty as the person doing the abuse. Children are very precious things and everyone needs to do their part to protect them.

I'm a psychologists nightmare and some days I suspect if people knew the true thoughts going thru my head I'd be put in the funny farm for a long time. My depression is getting better but it's so slow. Seems to be no quick fix for that either. Funny, I can help other people fix or solve their personal problems but I sure can't fix my own. Ironic huh?