Somewhere along the way my mother decided my problem was I needed to go to church more often. The family seldom went to church due to massive hangovers on Sunday mornings. Lol, if it was planned to go I might sneak into my parents room and set the clocks ahead so when they woke up they'd think it was to late.
I didn't like church. It was long, boring and full of hypocrites.Still is as near as I can tell. Of course I haven't been there in a while but I meet a lot of people who say they are religous. Same old hypocritical crap from them that I'd see in church.
Love thy neighbor but not that one, she's a loose woman, not that one because he drinks to much, not that one because .....judgemental, petty and nothing like God or Jesus instructed people to be. Lol, I don't happen to believe in a god and I'm better at doing what the bible teachs than most who go to church. That's pathetic.
Anyway, my mother decided church was going to save me so the 4 of us started going to church. After we'd lived in LeMars for a few months I discovered that the guy who owned the pool room and chicken restaurant needed someone to run the pool room on Sunday morning while he was at church. Lol, he was a good Catholic don't ya know. I think the only time he was ever sober was Sunday morning.
So we'd all head off to church together and I'd tell my mother I was going to wait for one of my friends, outside and then after church we ware going to his house. As soon as they got in the door I'd run for the pool hall and open it up. Didn't pay much but I did get to shoot pool the rest of the week for free and got a discount on all food and pop plus I made about 2 bucks.
I had that job for about 4-5 months before my mother realized I wasn't ever in church. Lol, got beat again for skipping out on church. She was really pissed because she'd bought me a new suit and we'd argued forever over what it was going to look like. She wanted me to have a conservative navy blue and I wanted the one with the red suit jacket and black pants. Also got an extra pair of gray pants with it.
I've hated to wear a suit or tie since I was a little kid. Can't wear a tie at all nor a turtle neck because that little pressure on my throat makes me feel like I'm being choked. Reminds me to much of things that happened to me. Whatever. I did get the suit with the ed jacket tho.
I had the pimpiest suit jacket in town. There wasn't anything conservative about it at all. I thought it was cool. My mother hated it. I was happy with that.
Then one day she decided that my sister and I needed to be baptized. Argh. Not something I cared about back then and besides, at my age, 13, it was embarrassing. Jesus may have said suffer the little children unto me but my mothers idea for me was that children ought to suffer.
I had no use for a god that would let happen to children, the things that were done to me. All merciful my ass, the only one that needed mercy was my mother and I hope after she died she got exactly what she deserved. If she did it sure wasn't mercy.
So I ended up going to church and getting baptized. I also had to go to the damn confirmation class every Saturday morning. That was just another thing I didn't care about. The minister used to bother me by making me stay awake, asking me silly questions, etc.
I got back at him the same way I get at other religous idiots. I asked him questions I knew he couldn't answer directly and I refused to accept the fact that I had to have faith to understand. What I understood was that I was supposed to believe something just because adults told me it wa so.
These are the exact same adults that told me about the Easter bunny, Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, etc. These are the same adults who beat me, molested me or allowed it to happen. Why would any sane person believe anything any of these people said about some god who was supposed to love us all.
If he loved me so damn much where was he when I was very young? Nowhere that I could see. Nowhere that I could be convinced he even existed.
Anyway, I got confirmed and then never went to church again for years. Still never go to church unless it's for a wedding or funeral or I have a girlfriend that decides I have to go and I care enough about her to make the effort.
Funny how they fall under the rule of say what you mean and do what you say. Actions speak louder than words and saying how religous you are with out the actions to back it up just means you are a hypocrite and a liar. I don't, as a rule associate with liars or others who don't do what they say so church is not a big thing in my reality.
Showing posts with label mother. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mother. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Surprise, bus depot revisited
While my friend and I were stealing from the paper office we were also checking the bus depot once a month or so. Just watching for an opportunity.
It was starting to get cold out and we were all wearing coats most of the time. The boss had taken his keys and gone out to start his car and let it warm up. Oops, I immediately recognized the opportunity and told my friend to get ready as it was probably gonna happen.
It used to be that people had all their keys along with their car keys and because people who come from a cold climate hate cold cars, they usually don't want to shut them off to run back inside and lock a door that should be safe anyway.
So we played pinball while we waited for the boss to leave. Nothing new and no one was paying any attention to us. Not even the boss. It's kinda like kids our age, as long as we were quiet, were invisible. Horseplay and noise attracted attention, well behaved, didn't. I've never been much for horseplay or noise.
Lol, my stepfather used to bitch all the time because adults would just rave about me. How smart I was, how helpful I was, how hard I worked, what a good job I did and how nice I was. For some reason he could never believe they were talking about me. I'd say that's about normal for a kid. Heh, my mother never believed what other adults said about me, either.
Actually most adults thought I was a nice kid and better behaved than their own kids. If they only knew. With me what you thought you saw wasn't always what you got. They only got to see what I wanted them to see most of the time. That's still how it is. Good old Sun Tzu.
My niceness, my hard work and all the rest of it was the perfect cover. I was still getting straight a pluses at school and teachers loved me too. Everyone except my parents and my sister. Lol, people still think I'm nice, unless we get crosswise with each other than they always say the same thing. 'I thought you were nice but you're not very nice at all.' Perhaps they should have lied, cheated or stole from me.
Anyway, the bosses car finally got warm and he got ready to leave. The big question was would he lock the office door or not. When he finally got ready to go he came out of the office, pulled the door shut and went outside to his car.
When he started to back out my friend hurried and ducked into his office and pulled the door shut. I was supposed to whistle if anyone was coming but I knew it didn't much matter as there was no place to hide in the office.
Much to my surprise about 1 minute later the back door opened and the boss walked in. Lol, took me three tries to whistle but I managed to get it out. He headed straight for the office and I knew we were screwed and probably going to jail.
As I waited for the angry yelling to start in the office I was judging my chances about leaving, whether my friend would rat me out and if I'd go to jail. Adrenaline was working over time. While all this is going through my head I'm also playing he pinball machine like nothing is happening except pinball.
I was scared as hell but nothing was happening in the office, no noise, no yelling, nothing. However the boss had been in there for more than 2 minutes now and I was really getting worried. Finally he came out with his jacket on and walked upfront.
I gave the all clear whistle and in an instant here came my friend. I couldn't figure out how he hadn't been seen and couldn't wait for us to leave so he could tell me about it. He was shaking like a leaf in the wind.
We left and I asked him what the hell had happened. Turns out he'd heard my first whistle and quickly hid himself in the only place available and then had to stay there while the boss worked at his desk for those few minutes.
My friend hadn't gotten caught but he hadn't gotten any money either. The filing cabinet was empty. Bummer. Oh yeah, he pulled the chair out from the desk and hid under the desk in the cubbyhole there and pulled the chair back in. He said he thought he was breathing so loud the guy would hear him or accidentally kick him but it didn't happen.
So we got in got nothing and got out plus got the biggest scare we'd ever had. Lol, I promise, this is the last trip to the bus depot.
It was starting to get cold out and we were all wearing coats most of the time. The boss had taken his keys and gone out to start his car and let it warm up. Oops, I immediately recognized the opportunity and told my friend to get ready as it was probably gonna happen.
It used to be that people had all their keys along with their car keys and because people who come from a cold climate hate cold cars, they usually don't want to shut them off to run back inside and lock a door that should be safe anyway.
So we played pinball while we waited for the boss to leave. Nothing new and no one was paying any attention to us. Not even the boss. It's kinda like kids our age, as long as we were quiet, were invisible. Horseplay and noise attracted attention, well behaved, didn't. I've never been much for horseplay or noise.
Lol, my stepfather used to bitch all the time because adults would just rave about me. How smart I was, how helpful I was, how hard I worked, what a good job I did and how nice I was. For some reason he could never believe they were talking about me. I'd say that's about normal for a kid. Heh, my mother never believed what other adults said about me, either.
Actually most adults thought I was a nice kid and better behaved than their own kids. If they only knew. With me what you thought you saw wasn't always what you got. They only got to see what I wanted them to see most of the time. That's still how it is. Good old Sun Tzu.
My niceness, my hard work and all the rest of it was the perfect cover. I was still getting straight a pluses at school and teachers loved me too. Everyone except my parents and my sister. Lol, people still think I'm nice, unless we get crosswise with each other than they always say the same thing. 'I thought you were nice but you're not very nice at all.' Perhaps they should have lied, cheated or stole from me.
Anyway, the bosses car finally got warm and he got ready to leave. The big question was would he lock the office door or not. When he finally got ready to go he came out of the office, pulled the door shut and went outside to his car.
When he started to back out my friend hurried and ducked into his office and pulled the door shut. I was supposed to whistle if anyone was coming but I knew it didn't much matter as there was no place to hide in the office.
Much to my surprise about 1 minute later the back door opened and the boss walked in. Lol, took me three tries to whistle but I managed to get it out. He headed straight for the office and I knew we were screwed and probably going to jail.
As I waited for the angry yelling to start in the office I was judging my chances about leaving, whether my friend would rat me out and if I'd go to jail. Adrenaline was working over time. While all this is going through my head I'm also playing he pinball machine like nothing is happening except pinball.
I was scared as hell but nothing was happening in the office, no noise, no yelling, nothing. However the boss had been in there for more than 2 minutes now and I was really getting worried. Finally he came out with his jacket on and walked upfront.
I gave the all clear whistle and in an instant here came my friend. I couldn't figure out how he hadn't been seen and couldn't wait for us to leave so he could tell me about it. He was shaking like a leaf in the wind.
We left and I asked him what the hell had happened. Turns out he'd heard my first whistle and quickly hid himself in the only place available and then had to stay there while the boss worked at his desk for those few minutes.
My friend hadn't gotten caught but he hadn't gotten any money either. The filing cabinet was empty. Bummer. Oh yeah, he pulled the chair out from the desk and hid under the desk in the cubbyhole there and pulled the chair back in. He said he thought he was breathing so loud the guy would hear him or accidentally kick him but it didn't happen.
So we got in got nothing and got out plus got the biggest scare we'd ever had. Lol, I promise, this is the last trip to the bus depot.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Stressed, depressed and worse, lied to
While we lived in Sioux City my mother would occasionally be gone over night or even for the weekend. I didn't care and was mostly glad to see she was gone.
Turns out what she was really doing was going out with and stay with a guy. She finally brought him to Sioux City and introduced my sister and I to him. He struck out the first day I met him as he had beer on his breath.
He was also a suckup, giving me 50 cents or a dollar every time he came. I didn't like him or think much of him. He didn't play with us, wasn't particularly interested in me and basically he and my mother couldn't wait to leave.
My sister liked him a lot tho. Lol, stands to reason as she's the one who got all of the attention and all of the new stuff. I won't say I didn't like the money as it let me buy more of the chocolate donuts that I loved. I finally ate so many of the things I didn't crave them anymore.
I was stressed when he was around so I'd escape and run the streets as much as possible. He never raised his voice to me or hit me, I just didn't like him. Probably a big part of the reason was because he wasn't my dad.
He didn't know how to fish, hunt, roller skate or any of the other things I loved to do. Heh, just remembered but I used to fish for some of the bigger minnows in the creek we weren't supposed to play in. Had a long branch with some string tied on it and a hook at the end. I used bugs and worms for bait. It was fun but catching those big minnows was harder than I thought.
Just had a thought but here's something no one knows about me. Of track but...when I was a kid I used to read under the blankets with a flashlight or put my little lamp under the covers if my parents were home.
School was good, life wasn't to bad overall and I was more or less content. Then one night my mother woke me up and told me we were going to move back to MN and that she was going to marry the guy she'd been seeing. I found out later she'd been seeing him before she left my Dad.
I was pissed. Really pissed and scared. At least living with her parents I was a lot safer than being away from them. At least we weren't moving until school was out. My life didn't get better but it did get different.
Turns out what she was really doing was going out with and stay with a guy. She finally brought him to Sioux City and introduced my sister and I to him. He struck out the first day I met him as he had beer on his breath.
He was also a suckup, giving me 50 cents or a dollar every time he came. I didn't like him or think much of him. He didn't play with us, wasn't particularly interested in me and basically he and my mother couldn't wait to leave.
My sister liked him a lot tho. Lol, stands to reason as she's the one who got all of the attention and all of the new stuff. I won't say I didn't like the money as it let me buy more of the chocolate donuts that I loved. I finally ate so many of the things I didn't crave them anymore.
I was stressed when he was around so I'd escape and run the streets as much as possible. He never raised his voice to me or hit me, I just didn't like him. Probably a big part of the reason was because he wasn't my dad.
He didn't know how to fish, hunt, roller skate or any of the other things I loved to do. Heh, just remembered but I used to fish for some of the bigger minnows in the creek we weren't supposed to play in. Had a long branch with some string tied on it and a hook at the end. I used bugs and worms for bait. It was fun but catching those big minnows was harder than I thought.
Just had a thought but here's something no one knows about me. Of track but...when I was a kid I used to read under the blankets with a flashlight or put my little lamp under the covers if my parents were home.
School was good, life wasn't to bad overall and I was more or less content. Then one night my mother woke me up and told me we were going to move back to MN and that she was going to marry the guy she'd been seeing. I found out later she'd been seeing him before she left my Dad.
I was pissed. Really pissed and scared. At least living with her parents I was a lot safer than being away from them. At least we weren't moving until school was out. My life didn't get better but it did get different.
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Beatings and another of my physical child abuse stories
This is one of the physical child abuse stories that has a twist to it. It happened when I was 8 years old and as odd as it may seem in the middle of the beating I got control of my life away from my mother. It didn't stop the beating but I was still in control.
I don't really remember what I had done that pissed her off this time. I do have vague memories of it being about my not vacuuming very well. Considering I was vacuuming the floors on my hands and knees with something about the size of a dirt devil and my age I'm sure it wasn't the greatest job in the world. However the reason for it doesn't really matter.
For whatever reason it happened I remember it quite well as it was truly a vicious thing to do to me and at the same time it was a life changing event. I wouldn't say it changed my life for the better as it did make me a ton of stubborn and I still have that trait to the max today.
It started out with my mother coming home and soon she was yelling at me and working herself into a rage. I knew when she started yelling a beating was coming but I had no idea how bad it was going to be. Obviously I lived through this one too or I wouldn't be writing this but it was going to be my worst beating yet and one of the abuse stories I'll never, ever forget.
After working herself into a rage she took of her belt and told me to pull my pants down. I started crying and was begging her and pleading with her not to hit me with the belt. She got even angrier and pulled my pants and underwear down. When she started hitting me with the belt I was crying and curled up in a ball on the floor to try to protect myself as much as I could.
She grabbed me by the shirt and it tore off while she was trying to make me stand up. Eventually she forced me to stand up and then she started beating me with the belt again. While she was beating me I started getting angrier and angrier. I was still crying and squirming and trying to get her to stop but I was as angry at that point as I'd ever been.
It wasn't fair, it wasn't right and there was nothing I could do. At least that's what I thought. Then something happened in my head, I don't know how to explain what it was but it's like I was watching it happen from the corner of the room and it didn't hurt anymore.
At that point I stopped crying and just stood there with my arms at my sides and waited for her to finish. The fact that I stopped crying made her even more enraged and she started beating me harder and harder and hollering at me to 'cry you little bastard' and calling me names and telling me what a rotten little son-of-a-bitch I was and that she was going to beat me until I cryed.
Damn, I was in control and it happened accidentally. She kept beating me and screaming at me to cry and I wouldn't do it. From there it became a battle of wills and I knew I was going to win or die because I sure wasn't going to cry. No matter what she did I wasn't going to cry.
Still yelling and screaming at me she turned the belt around and started beating me with the buckle end and I just stood there silently and took it. She kept beating me with the buckle end and I just kept standing. She couldn't make me cry and she was determined to make it happen so the beating continued for some time.
Eventually she stopped. Why, I don't know but I didn't start crying again and she stopped. When she was done she told me to go to my room and stay there. Anything to get away from her so I went to my room and crawled into bed and got angrier and angrier and angrier. This was also the day I stopped believing in a god that loved children or in any god at all.
If there was a god and he truly loved children then for him to allow my mother to beat me that way really made me a bad kid or god was a lie. I already thought I was a really bad kid because of the way my mother treated me and didn't want me and god sure wasn't helping me. No one was helping me or protecting me. I also learned that day that the only one I could truly depend on was me.
This one beating turned me into one of the biggest lying, cheating thieving kids in town and it continued for years. Up until then I wasn't a bad kid, a bit unruly like most boys but not a bad kid. When no one likes you, when your mother hates you and when god is no help why not be exactly what you are being beaten for?
Anyway, a while after she had beaten me she came upstairs and asked me if I wanted to go to the movies or for an ice cream cone. I said no and turned over and faced the wall and refused to speak to her so she hit me a few times with her hands and then left me alone.
Despite the pain and wanting to die I eventually fell asleep. When I woke up the next morning I hurt really bad. My back and my butt and the back of my legs hurt so bad I could hardly get out of bed. I managed to get out of bed and that's when I saw that my sheets were all full of blood. I started to get dressed to go to school but I wasn't moving very fast and she was yelling at me to hurry up.
I managed to get my underwear and socks on but I could hardly move to do it. She finally got tired of yelling at me to hurry up and came stomping up the stairs. She took one look at me and told me to go back to bed as I wasn't going to school that day. Turns out I didn't have to go to school for the rest of the week. As it was a Wednesday morning the next day I went to school was 5 days later on Monday. By then I was pretty much back to normal and could move without pain.
She had beaten me so bad she was afraid to send me to school. This was in 1955 and you could pretty much do whatever you wanted to do to a kid and nothing was going to happen to whoever did it. Yet this time she must have stepped way over that line because she was afraid to send me to school.
A side affect of this beating was when I got in fights after that and for the next 30 years I never felt any pain at all during the fight. That made me a very dangerous person for a long time and a lot of people thought I was crazy. Nothing worse than a guy who doesn't care what happens and doesn't feel anything either. Perhaps I was crazy, maybe I still am. I act normal enough nowdays that I evidently pass for sane. ;) I don't know that I am though and I am afraid of letting myself feel rage. However that's a different one of my stories of abuse and I'll tell you it another day.
The physical abuse from my mother continued for another 6 years but never again as bad as this one was. I suspect if it had been much worse I'd have gotten my wish and been dead. However from that point nothing in my life mattered to me except books, my sister and being alone.
I know I haven't conveyed how bad it really was as I tend to minimize things a lot so try to read between the lines a bit. How much do I minimize? Heh, I once tried to pull a 4 inch cut together with two band-aids. 6 hours later I went to the doctor because the damn bleeding wouldn't let the band-aids stick and got 13 stitches. I'm usually very understated also.
I told you she beat me with the buckle end of her belt. What I didn't tell you is it was one of the wide western belts with a huge buckle. Use your own imagination and think about the damage a 30 minute beating with that belt could do to an 8 year old child, then you'll have an idea. Not a good one but you'll be a lot closer than my description.
Is it any wonder I hated that bitch for the rest of my life. Is it any wonder that I turned into a person who didn't give a damn. Is it any wonder I hate people who do violence to children and would use my own kind of violence to stop it when I could. Is it any wonder that for years I thought violence was a way to solve problems?
Want to raise kids to be wonderfully kind, functional adults with great self esteem. I can assure you that beating them to a bloody pulp isn't going to do it. It sure didn't work for me. It took another 30 years for me to figure out I wasn't a bad person.
I feel I got cheated out of about 38 years of life and truly being alive. I'm not the same person now and no longer believe violence is a way to solve problems. It's much more fun to use your mind to solve them but there are some people who only understand and respect violence and with those people I don't have any qualms about using violence if necessary.
As the Whitney Houston song 'Greatest Love of All' says, 'No matter what they take from me they can't take away my dignity'. Lol, what kind of music does a severely depressed and abused person like. Here's the link to my favorites play list at YouTube. It's not all of them but it's a good start. My favorite music
That's it for today and now I'll have to meditate for at least 30 minutes to get this negative crap out of my head.
BTW, I never cryed again when she beat me. I told you, I finally got control. Not a big deal to you but it sure was for me.
I don't really remember what I had done that pissed her off this time. I do have vague memories of it being about my not vacuuming very well. Considering I was vacuuming the floors on my hands and knees with something about the size of a dirt devil and my age I'm sure it wasn't the greatest job in the world. However the reason for it doesn't really matter.
For whatever reason it happened I remember it quite well as it was truly a vicious thing to do to me and at the same time it was a life changing event. I wouldn't say it changed my life for the better as it did make me a ton of stubborn and I still have that trait to the max today.
It started out with my mother coming home and soon she was yelling at me and working herself into a rage. I knew when she started yelling a beating was coming but I had no idea how bad it was going to be. Obviously I lived through this one too or I wouldn't be writing this but it was going to be my worst beating yet and one of the abuse stories I'll never, ever forget.
After working herself into a rage she took of her belt and told me to pull my pants down. I started crying and was begging her and pleading with her not to hit me with the belt. She got even angrier and pulled my pants and underwear down. When she started hitting me with the belt I was crying and curled up in a ball on the floor to try to protect myself as much as I could.
She grabbed me by the shirt and it tore off while she was trying to make me stand up. Eventually she forced me to stand up and then she started beating me with the belt again. While she was beating me I started getting angrier and angrier. I was still crying and squirming and trying to get her to stop but I was as angry at that point as I'd ever been.
It wasn't fair, it wasn't right and there was nothing I could do. At least that's what I thought. Then something happened in my head, I don't know how to explain what it was but it's like I was watching it happen from the corner of the room and it didn't hurt anymore.
At that point I stopped crying and just stood there with my arms at my sides and waited for her to finish. The fact that I stopped crying made her even more enraged and she started beating me harder and harder and hollering at me to 'cry you little bastard' and calling me names and telling me what a rotten little son-of-a-bitch I was and that she was going to beat me until I cryed.
Damn, I was in control and it happened accidentally. She kept beating me and screaming at me to cry and I wouldn't do it. From there it became a battle of wills and I knew I was going to win or die because I sure wasn't going to cry. No matter what she did I wasn't going to cry.
Still yelling and screaming at me she turned the belt around and started beating me with the buckle end and I just stood there silently and took it. She kept beating me with the buckle end and I just kept standing. She couldn't make me cry and she was determined to make it happen so the beating continued for some time.
Eventually she stopped. Why, I don't know but I didn't start crying again and she stopped. When she was done she told me to go to my room and stay there. Anything to get away from her so I went to my room and crawled into bed and got angrier and angrier and angrier. This was also the day I stopped believing in a god that loved children or in any god at all.
If there was a god and he truly loved children then for him to allow my mother to beat me that way really made me a bad kid or god was a lie. I already thought I was a really bad kid because of the way my mother treated me and didn't want me and god sure wasn't helping me. No one was helping me or protecting me. I also learned that day that the only one I could truly depend on was me.
This one beating turned me into one of the biggest lying, cheating thieving kids in town and it continued for years. Up until then I wasn't a bad kid, a bit unruly like most boys but not a bad kid. When no one likes you, when your mother hates you and when god is no help why not be exactly what you are being beaten for?
Anyway, a while after she had beaten me she came upstairs and asked me if I wanted to go to the movies or for an ice cream cone. I said no and turned over and faced the wall and refused to speak to her so she hit me a few times with her hands and then left me alone.
Despite the pain and wanting to die I eventually fell asleep. When I woke up the next morning I hurt really bad. My back and my butt and the back of my legs hurt so bad I could hardly get out of bed. I managed to get out of bed and that's when I saw that my sheets were all full of blood. I started to get dressed to go to school but I wasn't moving very fast and she was yelling at me to hurry up.
I managed to get my underwear and socks on but I could hardly move to do it. She finally got tired of yelling at me to hurry up and came stomping up the stairs. She took one look at me and told me to go back to bed as I wasn't going to school that day. Turns out I didn't have to go to school for the rest of the week. As it was a Wednesday morning the next day I went to school was 5 days later on Monday. By then I was pretty much back to normal and could move without pain.
She had beaten me so bad she was afraid to send me to school. This was in 1955 and you could pretty much do whatever you wanted to do to a kid and nothing was going to happen to whoever did it. Yet this time she must have stepped way over that line because she was afraid to send me to school.
A side affect of this beating was when I got in fights after that and for the next 30 years I never felt any pain at all during the fight. That made me a very dangerous person for a long time and a lot of people thought I was crazy. Nothing worse than a guy who doesn't care what happens and doesn't feel anything either. Perhaps I was crazy, maybe I still am. I act normal enough nowdays that I evidently pass for sane. ;) I don't know that I am though and I am afraid of letting myself feel rage. However that's a different one of my stories of abuse and I'll tell you it another day.
The physical abuse from my mother continued for another 6 years but never again as bad as this one was. I suspect if it had been much worse I'd have gotten my wish and been dead. However from that point nothing in my life mattered to me except books, my sister and being alone.
I know I haven't conveyed how bad it really was as I tend to minimize things a lot so try to read between the lines a bit. How much do I minimize? Heh, I once tried to pull a 4 inch cut together with two band-aids. 6 hours later I went to the doctor because the damn bleeding wouldn't let the band-aids stick and got 13 stitches. I'm usually very understated also.
I told you she beat me with the buckle end of her belt. What I didn't tell you is it was one of the wide western belts with a huge buckle. Use your own imagination and think about the damage a 30 minute beating with that belt could do to an 8 year old child, then you'll have an idea. Not a good one but you'll be a lot closer than my description.
Is it any wonder I hated that bitch for the rest of my life. Is it any wonder that I turned into a person who didn't give a damn. Is it any wonder I hate people who do violence to children and would use my own kind of violence to stop it when I could. Is it any wonder that for years I thought violence was a way to solve problems?
Want to raise kids to be wonderfully kind, functional adults with great self esteem. I can assure you that beating them to a bloody pulp isn't going to do it. It sure didn't work for me. It took another 30 years for me to figure out I wasn't a bad person.
I feel I got cheated out of about 38 years of life and truly being alive. I'm not the same person now and no longer believe violence is a way to solve problems. It's much more fun to use your mind to solve them but there are some people who only understand and respect violence and with those people I don't have any qualms about using violence if necessary.
As the Whitney Houston song 'Greatest Love of All' says, 'No matter what they take from me they can't take away my dignity'. Lol, what kind of music does a severely depressed and abused person like. Here's the link to my favorites play list at YouTube. It's not all of them but it's a good start. My favorite music
That's it for today and now I'll have to meditate for at least 30 minutes to get this negative crap out of my head.
BTW, I never cryed again when she beat me. I told you, I finally got control. Not a big deal to you but it sure was for me.
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