Death

Death sucks. Getting old sucks. Being physically unable to do the things you used to do sucks.

I'm in kind of a contemplative mood today. My aunt died Saturday. My favorite aunt. My favorite cousins mother.

She's been in the nursing home for years now. Had Alzheimer's, blind and unable to take care of herself. I haven't seen her since she went into the nursing home, even tho she is one of my better memories of the past.

She, and her husband, tried to help me and were always good to me. Great people. To bad I didn't appreciate it at the time. She's been in a few previous posts but I haven't gotten to the part of my life yet where they tried so hard to help me.

I'm going to miss her. I suppose I should have gone and seen her but as I said, I don't want to remember her that way.

Then my friend in Hope, AR went into the hospital this morning to have her new baby. That's the cycle of life. One dies and one is born and life goes on. I'm sad for my cousin and at the same time very happy for T and her husband and daughter.

Seems weird to call one florist 1000 miles away and order flowers for a funeral and the next call is to a place 100 miles away and send flowers for a birth. Life is weird some days.

Life and death and does it matter

Mama T and I were talking this morning and some how we got on the subject of death. We had been talking about Karma and some other things and for some reason I made the remark that I'd be glad when this life was over as it had been pretty much BS from the time I was born.

She and I seem to have some sort of bond that I can't explain nor would I bother to try. Being from two different cultures makes it very interesting and sometimes hard but we still have this thing between us. It's not sexual at all.

She told me this morning that she's glad I wasn't successful when I was a kid because then she and Baby T wouldn't have met me and I wouldn't have influenced her life. She also told me she was very glad to have met me and that no matter what we would always be friends and she would never hurt me.

My thoughts at that statement were, yeah, right, that's what they all say but I didn't say that. I'll reserve judgement on that and see what happens. She's a very nice person and I've never had anyone like her for a friend before. I do have a friend, Misha, that I like and trust but she comes from a lifestyle more like mine. At best that makes her an iffy friend.

Mama T comes from a background about as far from mine as you could get. While she may have been born in a different country, India, we think remarkably the same way about most things. She's quite religious and at best I'm agnostic but that doesn't bother either of us. Nor does she try to push her beliefs on me.

Another thing we have in common, she just told me this morning, is that she doesn't care all that much about life either. She's not afraid to die and if it happens, no big deal. Both of us agree that we would fight to live, that we aren't suicidal and would never give up easily but if it happens, it happens.

There is a huge difference between not having a fear of death and wanting to die. There's a huge difference between being glad when my life is over and done with and wanting to die. Lol, all this may change when I'm on my deathbed.

The above may seem weird but I like to win and giving up and letting someone kill me or dying intentionally would be losing. Not fighting would be giving up. I can't do that either.

So, my life will continue and I will fight for it to continue but that doesn't mean I can't be glad when it's going to be over.