Doing what you want to do when you want to do it

If you've read much of these posts you know, that even as a child, I did and do what ever I want to do. Always have but within the rules I live by. Sometimes those rules change but it's always for the better.

Around 1987 I finally made some major changes in my life. Some of my rules changed then too. They've changed since then and I expect will change until I die. However they are quite simple.

• Don't lie
• Don't cheat
• Don't steal
• Don't hurt others
• Be reliable
• Say what you mean and mean what you say
• Treat others with respect
• Do the right thing

Pretty simple stuff and pretty basic. Those are the rules I live by and it's how I expect others to treat me. While I live by those rules I only live by them with people who don't do those things to me. If you lie to me then in my reality it's okay for me to lie to you, etc.

Those rules are why I no longer have any girlfriends. Those rules are why I sold everything and went on a permanent vacation. Took me awhile to realize that almost everyone I dealt with before I left, including girlfriends, was doing two or more of those things to me and I was doing them back.

That's not the kind of person I want to be so I changed everything by changing my environment. As you know, I've done it before so not a real problem. When things get so bad that I don't like me it's really time to change things. So I did.

Now I'm not near as depressed as I was and I like myself a lot more than I did 6 months ago. That's a good thing. I probably should make another rule about getting people out of my life the first time they do it to me but then I might as well be a hermit.

I wouldn't mind that at all but it doesn't work very well. So here I am trying to figure out how much I should let people break my rules before I kick them out of my reality. Or do I just live by my rules at all times no matter what they do.

For the most part I'm associating with a lot nicer people now so it doesn't happen as often. What to do about it when it does happen is my problem. Of course being around nicer people makes life easier and I'm a lot less likely to have to do something I shouldn't to make sure people respect me.

It's interesting living among nicer people but it's also harder in some respects. Heh, mostly because I don't know how to react to what they do. That's not entirely true, I know how to be nice and several girlfriends have told me I get treated the way I do because I'm to nice.

For some reason people take being nice and treating them with respect as weakness. Something to be exploited and used rather than to be respected and treasured. I wonder why that is? Doesn't take some of them long to figure out that my being nice and treating people nicely doesn't mean I'm weak.

It's just to bad they have to learn that the hard way. What they don't understand is I wasn't always a nice person and it's to easy for me not to be nice if I make that choice. Lol, it's what my cousin fears the most.

That I'll go back to being the way I was 25 years ago. It's easy to do that. I know what the rules are in that environment. It's why I'm more comfortable in bars and dangerous places than I am around nice people. All in all it's a lot less tricky environment.

I still do what I want to, when I want to and where I want to but what I want to do is different now than it was before. Maybe I'm finally growing up. I'll still do what I think is the right thing, whether it's legal or illegal doesn't matter. However around nice people life is different. I just need to learn the differences. That's the hard part.

Depression and my headaches are back

I don't know if it's my depression, the weather or what but I'm back to having headaches almost everyday. I don't like it as I haven't had them like this for a long time. Nothing major is going wrong, nothing much has changed in the last month so no explanation.

While I did decide to stay where I am for another month I think I'll be leaving after that. It's not impossible that getting to be such friends with mama T, K and baby T are what's making me think I should move on.

I have a habit of pushing people away when they get to close to me because I don't trust them not to hurt me eventually. Mama T and I get a little closer everyday and that's scary. Baby T really likes me and that's scary. K likes me and we get along fine.

I've said before I don't know how to deal with this stuff and the emotions it causes. Maybe that's why my headaches are back so often. Maybe it's because they think I'm so damn nice and if they knew my history they'd not like me at all.

There aren't many people around who'd call me a nice person. A few but not many. Most would call me an asshole at best and kids shouldn't read the worst so I won't say it. Problem is underneath all the hard ass, push people away, don't take any shit, is a nice person.

I just never let people see it because when they do the vast majority have tried to take advantage of me one way or another or have used what they know to hurt me. Part of my upbringing I guess but it's just easier for me not to have people get to close to me or be to close to me.

I've been trying to figure out why I like babies or kids better than adults and girls better than boys. Baby girls are one way for chicks to get to me. I suspect it has something to do with one of my ex girlfriends from 35 years ago giving up my baby girl for adoption.

Most of the time when people ask me if I have kids I just say no rather than bother to explain it to them. People have been asking me that a lot lately and the only one I told the truth to was mama T. I expect she told K and her mother, sisters and cousins but that's okay.

For some reason she talks to them a lot about me. Even tho I can't speak her language I can understand my own name and a word here and there. I can also understand voice tone and body language. I don't know why she tells them so much about me but she does.

I'm not even sure if I like it or not. I'm a very private person. Well, I was until I started this blog. Still am anonymous tho, just not private. Some days writing this is depressing.

This is one of those days. Considering I just took pain pills for my headache I guess that's about enough of this. Besides, it's stressful too.

Trust, nice people, abandonment and liking others

Yep, I'm getting sidetracked again but then I doubt anyone reads this stuff anyway so it doesn't much matter. So what's my problem today?

I still don't know how to deal with genuinely nice people who care and aren't related to me. T and her husband K are so nice to me. They told me tonight I'm almost like family to them. They also told me tonight I'm the only one they trust with baby T.

Damn, I don't even know how to explain what bugs me about it. It's not that they trust me that bothers me. Lots of people trust me and I expect that. I'm very trustworthy until you screw me over and then I can be your worst nightmare.

I trust myself totally, unless I go to Vegas. Then no matter how many lies I tell myself I know I'm going to party like it's the end of the world at least one or two nights, do stupid shit and be a total asshole. So as much as I love Vegas I don't go there often anymore because I know I can't trust myself there.

It's not the responsibility they give me with baby T either. I can deal with that even tho she is a bit hard for me to keep up with. She still can't talk but she can make herself understood and she understands a lot of things. It's funny because I'm strong willed and so is she. She throws tantrums and I laugh.

Tonight T, K and I were sitting on the couch and baby crawled up on her dads lap and touched his face, then she touched moms face and then she touched mine. Did it 3 times in a row and melted my heart. Baby treats me just like I'm one of her parents. She falls asleep sitting on my lap. When I leave she throws a real fit so now we worked out a strategy so I leave when she's in back. Still throws a fit but not near as bad as if she can see me leaving. I imagine when she can finally talk real words that I can understand I'm gonna get an earful.

I'm just kind of wandering around the country and hadn't planned on staying here this long except for Mama T and baby T I'd be gone. Now I expect I'll be here at least another month. When I left for a week a month ago she would look at my room and point and make the I want, motion and then cry when I didn't show up. Not sure I can leave that, at least not yet.

I know when I do leave I'm really going to miss her and her mom and dad. I may never know what bugs me about them liking me. Maybe it's just the fact they do like me. I do know I don't know how to deal with it very well.

Probably low self esteem. I'm working on that and I'm not really sure that's the problem. Most of the time I like me, not always but usually that happens when I break my own rules. I don't know what the problem is I just know it bugs the hell out of me to feel this way. It's not depression doing it either.

Could be that the sad fact is I just never learned how to deal with people who are truly nice and it makes me uncomfortable. I keep looking for motives and reason and excuses and there are none. They just like me for me. Funny, that's what I always wanted and now that I have it I don't know how to deal with it.

I'll deal with it but I do wish there were classes that would help me learn to deal with it faster. I've got an old GF who calls now and then and makes noises about us being together. She finally told me her problem and it explained everything about her instantly. She's got some severe abandonment issues but I didn't know why. Now I do. Lol, I know I have almost as many issues on the same subject as she does. Maybe that's what's freaking me out about them liking me. I'm afraid they'll stop.

How do you deal with good things or caring people?

Some very nice things happened today and I'm not used to it. In particular I'm not used to people being happy to see me or even caring about me. Just a tad bit weird at my age.

I was surprised the 14 month old even remembered me but she tried to climb the counter to get on my side so I could hold her and play with her. Even had a fit when her mother told her I was to tired to hold her.

T said she was having company and I was welcome to come over and eat with them. I probably should have said yes but I didn't. Then she had to tell me everything the baby has done for the last 8 days and how much she missed me after I left. Then I got to hear the story of mom having to drive 60 miles round trip because the cell phone I gave the baby got left in the wrong car and baby threw a fit for 2 days. Lol, typical female. Can't go without her phone.

Then her husband was nice enough to help me carry all of my stuff up to the second floor. Both of them are really great people and the baby is so spoiled. I don't help tho. Baby sits on my lap every morning and plays with me and my glasses and hat, etc. while I have coffee and talk with her mother.

None of this is particularly normal for me so I try to just be nice and polite. It's more normal for me to avoid people, chit chat and all that goes with it. Says way to much about my life that I don't know how to deal with truly nice people. As a rule I'd rather deal with kids as it's more straight forward. They haven't developed phoniness yet and are, at times, to honest or blunt.

When I was about 25 or so I lived with my cousins parents for awhile. I was pretty much a drunk at the time and in trouble most of the time. They'd gotten me a construction job and I was paying them a little bit for rent.

Naturally I was as big a srewup there as I was everywhere else. The rule was I wasn't supposed to drink while I was there. Small problem as every Saturday afternoon the crew went to the bar to have a couple of beers and get checks cashed.

I got out of it the first time but after that I went and because it was a bar and I was a drunk naturally I got drunk. I was big into self medication back then. Lol, one thing I have learned is the doctors have better drugs than alcohol.

Anyway, the next morning when I was getting ready to go to work my uncle called me into the kitchen and calmly talked to me about the rules and explained that my getting drunk wouldn't be tolerated. So I went to the bar with the crew again the next week. I suppose to test to see if he meant what he said.

So we had another talk and he told me how much him and my aunt cared about me and wanted me to do well and be well and this was my last chance. After that he started chewing my ass for almost everything. I deserved it tho as I wasn't helping around the place at all. Just fishing and working.

Then he sat me down and talked to me again about responsibility and helping out and all that normal stuff that I really knew nothing about. I finally asked him why he didn't just leave me alone and he said because he and my aunt liked me and cared about me and it was about time someone besides my grandmother had shown me some caring and concern.

They kept caring and I kept screwing up. Didn't get drunk again tho. I'd have two and leave. I used to be predictable as to how many drinks I could have and still leave the bar. Two was the limit. If I had three I'd be there all night or until I was broke, whichever came first.

Then I got hurt and messed up my vertebrae in my neck and ended up drawing Workman's comp for about 3 months. Since I couldn't work and had money I went and got drunk. My uncle threw me out when I sobered up the next day. We talked first tho and he still wanted to know why I was the way I was and didn't I realize they both cared about me.

I think my reply shocked both of us. It was simply "I don't know how to deal with people who care about me." and I really didn't.

Just like I don't know how to deal with really nice people.

Funny but the girls I go out with have the same problem and that leaves me with the same problem my uncle had with me. I know why they don't believe I care about them and I know the feeling well but I don't understand it in them. I also know they keep doing some of the things they do just to test to see if I will still care about them. Bad part is, I do still care but if I let them get away with it then it just gets worse.

At least I know how to deal with them. Nice or caring people confuse me.