The story of my depression continues.

Lol, no, I won't get sidetracked today.

When we moved from behind my grandmothers house to a bigger place the only thing that changed was I didn't get sexually molested as often. The physical and mental abuse continued at the same rate. Not to belabor the pint but it continued pretty much at the same rate until I got big enough and scary enough to make it stop but that's still a few years in the future.

I did forget one thing tho. My great grandmother lived next to my grandmother. Nice lady but older than dirt. She did have this huge asparagus patch about 20 feet by 20 feet that I could hide in. Lots of bugs in the center of it but I stomped out an area I could sit in and I would take books in there to read while I hid from the adults. While the bugs bit a lot they weren't near as hard to take as the adults abusing me were. Funny, no one ever knew I used that as a hiding spot.

After we moved I had even more hiding spots I found in that area of town. I liked being alone then and I still require large amounts of time alone but I don't like being alone as much now. Being alone was purely a defense mechanism as it still is.

Until T came along I had been quite successful at not having emotions or letting them come to the surface. She brought things out in me I never knew existed anymore and as usual they caused pain. However in the beginning they caused more happiness and joy than they caused pain. For that reason I'm trying to learn to accept them and manage them now.

Lol, back to the topic. One day my dad talked to me and told me he thought my mother was going to runaway and take my sister and I with her. He told me to resist her and to runaway from her if I had to but not to go with her.

Now being a kid I knew they had problems, I knew my dad beat her and I knew she wasn't doing what she was supposed to be doing. What I couldn't figure out was, why, if she was going to run away, why she going to make me go along. She didn't want me so why force me to go. I know the reason now but I didn't then.

Eventually what my dad had told me, happened. I did my best to get away from her, I ran away from her, I hid and I fought against her when she put me in the car. I tried to jump out while it was moving but in the end she won. She was still to big for me to have any chance of dealing with her.

So we moved to Sioux City, Iowa. Into one of the poorest parts of town. I never saw my grandmother again for 4 or 5 years and I did see my father once in that time. A lot of things happened in Sioux City and those are stories for another day. Writing this stuff brings up a lot of bad memories and I don't want to deal with them today so I'm stopping here.

I'm in a good mood, I'm sorta happy and life is looking pretty fair for a change. It would look a lot better if I could find a chick I was interested in who was available. Heh, could be that I'm just to picky in that area but after rediscovering I still have emotions I don't want to waste them on someone who is going to cause nothing but pain.

While I'd be quite happy to have a loving caring relationship it's not my highest priority nor am I desperate to have one. My peace, calmness and tranquility still come first.

What does a stressed and depressed person do for fun

I told you in an earlier post that I should have been a hermit. I still believe I'd have been much happier if I would have been. I learned at a very young age to stay out of my parents way as much as possible. I may have been abused, stressed and totally depressed but I was still smart enough to know that if I wasn't around people I couldn't be hurt.

When I was little I learned to read very quickly and it was something I could go hide and do without fear. Reading also took me away from my circumstances and let me put myself in the place of the person in the book.

I wouldn't say I read a lot but there was an article in the local paper about me because by the age of 6 I'd already read every children's book in the town library. I actually had to bring a permission slip from my mother so I could get more advanced books to read.

I still read everyday. As far as I'm concerned reading is way more than fundamental. It's the thing that needs to be taught most. If you can read you can do anything. I buy kids I meet books and if I know them well enough I will sit and read to them.

Besides, it was something that kept me out of trouble and something I could do by myself.

I fished because I could do it alone. I loved to fish, I loved being outside and I loved being alone. I still fish, mostly alone but not always. I created a fishing forum at Fishing Eastern South Dakota where I tell some of my tips and tricks I've learned over the years. Lol, if fishing was slow I'd bring a book. ;)

I love to drive and in my past I drove semi nationwide for a couple of years. Nice solitary job and no one to bother me. I still love to get into my car and just ride around, alone. I think nothing of driving a thousand miles to go do something and I love the solitude of driving by myself. It calms me and lets me free up most of my mind for other things. I've had some of my best ideas while driving.

When the net came along I fell in love. It's another thing that is pretty much a solitary thing. It allows me to read, accumulate knowledge and be alone at the same time.

People constantly tell me I spend to much time alone bit it keeps me from being hurt or having to deal with the rampant stupidity I encounter when I have to go out in public. Lol, yes, I know, I also can't be rejected or hurt if I'm alone.

Oh, yeah, I also like to listen to R & B and that's a recent thing because all I used to listen to was golden oldies. I've come to love Beyonce, Mary J Blige, Ciara and many others who sing similar music.

All of these solitary things keep my stress levels down and keep me much calmer and serene. Fear of rejection sucks and is quite depressing when you know it and find it hard to get over it. It's also depressing.

Still, all in all, the way I am, I'd have been much happier as a hermit. Give me access to the net, tv, food, the library of congress and a woman two days a month and I'd be totally happy.

That's pathetic and I know it but it's also how I am.

Seems I've turned into a depressed needy wuss that confuses my girlfriend

We haven't been getting along for quite awhile. We've dated off and on for almost a year when I'm between girls. Lol, you could say she's my fallback position. No, it's not a nice thing to do to her but she's always there and we always end up back together.

I have some rules in my life that are pretty simple. Be honest with me, be loyal to me if we are friends or in a relationship, be faithful in a relationship and do what you tell me you will do. Simple and easy, at least to me.

Evidently I need to add another. Give me lots of attention. She works and she has a son who doesn't live with her but that she gets on a weekly basis when she's in town. I know her work hours so I don't call her during those hours. However I do call her before work, sometimes after work as she gets off around one in the morning.

She will tell me she'll call at a certain time or when a certain thing gets done and then she doesn't. When she wants something, even as little as 20 dollars she'll be really nice, call me, tell me how much she cares, etc. However as soon as she gets what she wants she forgets about calling or being nice. Irritates me to no end.

When she doesn't call I get very upset with her and then we fight. We had agreed to be together for this week but I put a condition on it that it depended on how well we got along on the phone. Heh, we lasted one day after discussing our future together.

Two weeks ago she was working in a smaller city and was going to be working somewhere else the next week. I told her if she wanted I'd come and stay with her the next week. Then work happened and I couldn't come so we agreed on this week at her apt as she wasn't supposed to be working.

She didn't call me to let me know she got to the small city so I called to make sure she was okay and got no answer. Neither did she call me the next day so I left a message. When she still hadn't called the next morning I got irritated and sent her a not so nice text message. She finally got around to calling and I asked her why she hadn't called before.

She got mad and hung up on me. The second time in a week so I quit calling her and said from now on it was up to her to call me. Short fight about that but I had it in stubborn mode so we didn't talk for a few days. Besides, we had plans to be together this week anyway.

Now I'm mad and not talking, she's mad and not talking and things are going very badly. The meeting her at her next job got cancelled because I was angry at her for not calling. We then planned this eek together if we could get along.

We couldn't. We lasted two days without fighting, made plans on what to do with her son while I was there and it was all set up so we could be together. She wants me to come to where she lives and move in together so we figured out how to introduce her son to the idea and all of that.

Then we got into a fight yet again. She hadn't called me when she said she would and I snapped on her and we didn't talk until yesterday. I had sent her a txt msg that said if she didn't call by 11 on Sunday we were through and I wouldn't be there. Sent her another one at 9 Sunday morning telling her she had two hours left or we were through because I was tired of the BS of her not doing what she said.

So she called right back and said she was about out of minutes and would call me when she got home, from her house phone. Checkout time at my motel was 11 so when she hadn't called by then I checked out, killed time talking to the woman who runs the motel and her little girl and she still hadn't called by noon so I left and headed west. She lives NE of here so wrong direction.

She finally called at 12:30 and asked what I was doing and if I was on the way. Told her I was headed west and we got into a big argument. Then a few miles down the road I decided what she had said made sense so I turned around and headed for her, 1000 miles away. Stopped and got gas and called her and told her I changed my mind, that she was right and I'd be there Monday night.

She then told me that because I hadn't called her she took another job and was going to be gone but I could come to the small city and stay with her at the motel. That pissed me off and I said no then she went off on me and chewed my ass up one side and down the other. Told me she decided to take the job when I hadn't called her because I was mad. Lol, I was mad because she hadn't called me. Once again the conversation was short and I told her to have fun at the job and we hung up.

Then I checked back into a motel to get some work done and to think. She had told me I was acting like a spoiled little kid and I wasn't to tell her what to do or when or how. So I thought about it and decided she was right, I had been acting badly. If it was okay for us to meet at her other job why wasn't it okay for me to meet her this time. Because I had planned to be at her place and it pissed me off because it wasn't going to happen.

So I'm here alone, she's there alone and we are both angry at one another. I know the problem and I know it's my fault, this time. Depression makes you do some weird things without even understanding you are doing them.

When she doesn't call or return calls I take it as total rejection and get very hurt over it. When I get hurt I get angry and unreasonable. It feels a lot like my mother rejecting me. For that reason I need and want and crave her attention. I never used to be that way. I didn't need anyone for anything. I'm not here with her so still don't but now it hurts.

Somewhere along the way I turned into a very needy wuss who pouts and gets angry if I don't get the attention I need. That's totally stupid because it pushes her away and then I don't get anything I want at all. Worse yet I know it's the same reason I fought with all the other girls I went out with. That made me even more depressed.

I don't blame my mother for my behavior, that's my very own responsibility and I am responsible for the things I say and do. The problem is I don' think, I just get angry. Rejection is a very scary thing to me. Now I understand why it is and that's due to my mother not wanting me.

So, here I sit, depressed, alone and lonely and have no one to blame but myself. Life sucks some days.