Well, not quite that depressed but more than has been the norm lately. I've been sick for the last two weeks. Nothing serious, just some damn bug going around. Getting sick in anyway makes my life miserable due to the severe COPD.
Lol, not feeling sorry for myself tho. I'm about 95% sure I'm the one who caused the COPD by smoking for 53 years. OTOH I did get into some asbestos about 41 years ago and did have to go to the emergency room that night.
If you smoke you're stupid. So that makes me stupid as I still smoke. Yes, I've tried to quit and have bever been able to make it for long. Yes, I'll try again. Oh well, I'm glad the stress of the holidays is over so I can focus on quitting again.
Tha's if the damn stress ever stops. My car needs a new cv joing and the hard drive on my PC is failing. Lol, just my two biggest needs. PC is the most interesting of the two.
I've never changed out a HD in a notebook PC before. NBD after I looked into it but now I can't get the two little damn screws out that hold the old hard drive to the support. Sheesh! Always some little thing to make life harder. Heh, I suppose after I get it out, even tho I imaged the drive and backed it up on my other drive, and pout the new one in something will go wrong. If it does I'm just going to go buy a new version of windows XP Pro and be done with it.
Some days life sucks.
Showing posts with label smoking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label smoking. Show all posts
Friday, January 18, 2008
Friday, October 26, 2007
Stress and quitting smoking cigarettes
I'm trying to quit smoking, again. Yep, side trip. Sorry about that. Nah, not really, I just don't want to write about any old crap today and get more stressed. Quitting smoking is enough stress for any one person to deal with in one day.
I've smoked since I was 8 yrs old. Of course, not as heavy back then but I was up to 4 packs a day when I drove truck. I can smoke that much while working on my PC too.
Yeah, I know, smoking will kill ya. After 52 years of smoking I think I've got that part down. I'm pretty sure it's what's going to kill me too. I have a severe case of COPD. However it didn't help that I've been in asbestos dust a couple of times, without a mask.
Whatever, doesn't matter. I lost 50 pounds in a little over 2 years from the COPD. Dr. told me there wasn't much she could do about the weight loss except tell me to eat. Lol, she knows I smoke weed when I'm in a lot of pain and she obliquely suggested a little more might help me gain weight back. Lol, it hasn't.
Yeah, been smoking weed since I was 14 or 15 but not as much back then. I was a drunk and weed made me puke when I was drinking.
Anyway, smoking is going to kill me eventually. Heart attack or stroke. Other than a spinal problem at C6 and of course the damn COPD, I'm in great shape health wise. Cholesterol is normal, BP is fine. No real problems anywhere.
Whatever, ya gotta die from something and I enjoyed it for years. Started out smoking filtered cigs but other kids kept bumming them from me so I switched to non filtered. Then no one bummed them
I smoked Camel straights for years and when they started to hurt my throat I switched to Pall Mall straights and then to Doral straights and now to just plain old whatever is cheapest and non filtered.
No, I'm not whining about it either. It was a choice I made and one I continued with even after I knew it was dangerous. Damn nicotine is hard to kick. From what I've read harder than Heroin. I've never been addicted to heroin so I don't know. Been addicted to Codeine a few times and that wasn't to tough.
Cigarettes are a lot tougher to quit. They are more easily available and your mind tells you lies about just having one. Lol, I know, I'm a dumb ass for believing the lies my mind tells me. However having one does get rid of all the stress that builds up and the craving and headaches.
So I'm trying hard this time. No, not cold turkey and no patch or crap. Tried to start Zyban again and that just messed me up for sex. Heh, no brainer there, sex is gonna win over most anti depressants. However my breathing is so bad now that smoking caused interference. Sheesh.
I figured if I quit now I might be able to have sex a few more years. Yes, I know, I should have thought of that the first time I couldn't breathe well during sex. Hey, it was a long time ago and I really didn't expect to live this long.
The Chinese about have the lung thing figured out with stem cell research so if I last long enough and can afford it that might help.
I'll be through with cigarettes forever in 17 more days. For once I'm going to win this one with my mind. Like they say, if you smoke, QUIT, if you don't smoke, DON'T START.
Unless you want to end up like me.
I've smoked since I was 8 yrs old. Of course, not as heavy back then but I was up to 4 packs a day when I drove truck. I can smoke that much while working on my PC too.
Yeah, I know, smoking will kill ya. After 52 years of smoking I think I've got that part down. I'm pretty sure it's what's going to kill me too. I have a severe case of COPD. However it didn't help that I've been in asbestos dust a couple of times, without a mask.
Whatever, doesn't matter. I lost 50 pounds in a little over 2 years from the COPD. Dr. told me there wasn't much she could do about the weight loss except tell me to eat. Lol, she knows I smoke weed when I'm in a lot of pain and she obliquely suggested a little more might help me gain weight back. Lol, it hasn't.
Yeah, been smoking weed since I was 14 or 15 but not as much back then. I was a drunk and weed made me puke when I was drinking.
Anyway, smoking is going to kill me eventually. Heart attack or stroke. Other than a spinal problem at C6 and of course the damn COPD, I'm in great shape health wise. Cholesterol is normal, BP is fine. No real problems anywhere.
Whatever, ya gotta die from something and I enjoyed it for years. Started out smoking filtered cigs but other kids kept bumming them from me so I switched to non filtered. Then no one bummed them
I smoked Camel straights for years and when they started to hurt my throat I switched to Pall Mall straights and then to Doral straights and now to just plain old whatever is cheapest and non filtered.
No, I'm not whining about it either. It was a choice I made and one I continued with even after I knew it was dangerous. Damn nicotine is hard to kick. From what I've read harder than Heroin. I've never been addicted to heroin so I don't know. Been addicted to Codeine a few times and that wasn't to tough.
Cigarettes are a lot tougher to quit. They are more easily available and your mind tells you lies about just having one. Lol, I know, I'm a dumb ass for believing the lies my mind tells me. However having one does get rid of all the stress that builds up and the craving and headaches.
So I'm trying hard this time. No, not cold turkey and no patch or crap. Tried to start Zyban again and that just messed me up for sex. Heh, no brainer there, sex is gonna win over most anti depressants. However my breathing is so bad now that smoking caused interference. Sheesh.
I figured if I quit now I might be able to have sex a few more years. Yes, I know, I should have thought of that the first time I couldn't breathe well during sex. Hey, it was a long time ago and I really didn't expect to live this long.
The Chinese about have the lung thing figured out with stem cell research so if I last long enough and can afford it that might help.
I'll be through with cigarettes forever in 17 more days. For once I'm going to win this one with my mind. Like they say, if you smoke, QUIT, if you don't smoke, DON'T START.
Unless you want to end up like me.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Fun things I remember from childhood.
Not all of my life was horrific. I do have a few good memories but not to many. OTOH I seldom think of good things that happened to me so when I list them there might be way more than I think.
The best times I had were at my grandmothers house. She was and still is the definition of unconditional love, to me. It's to bad I had to let her die. That's a story for another day tho.
I can remember her teaching me to play cards and to think while I did it. She also taught me Yahtzee, Flinch, Monopoly and Scrabble. I had a lot of fun playing games with her and just being with her. She's the only person I can remember caring about me.
I loved being at the lake fishing, exploring or just getting away from everyone else. I still like being by the water and am most comfortable there. My father, grandmother and grandfather taught me how to fish and to enjoy the outdoors.
I also remember having a lot of fun roller skating with my cousin and all of our friends. Same with ice skating. I was and still am very good at both. I also loved swimming and got quite good at it too. Gave up swimming when I started having breathing problems from my COPD.
Now there's a good reason to be depressed. COPD is going to eventually kill me. My own damn fault too. Not any regrets there tho and worse yet, I still smoke. Started when I was 8 and altho I hate it I also like it a lot. I've tried to quit many times and haven't managed it yet. 52 years of smoking and as bad as I know it is I still can't quit.
One thing I do know is that smoking ain't cool no matter what anyone says.
There were other things I enjoyed like riding my old, 4th hand 26 inch boys bike that I had to ride underneath the bar because my legs weren't long enough to reach the pedals. Damn, I loved that bike. Used to ride it all over and it's the one I rode to the lake.
I used my uncles old red wagon, tied on the back of my bike, to pick up pop bottles with and turn them in for 2 cents apiece. I rode all over the place hunting for them.
Playing and hustling pool is another good memory I have. Lol, it probably shouldn't be but it is. Confessions of an 8 yr old pool hustler. ;) One drunk I knew when I was a kid used to come to the house to get me and take me to the bar with him to hustle pool. My cousin and I were the two absolute best bumper pool players around and that includes adults.
Vernie would play partners for a dollar a game and I'd get a free coke out of it. He made 95 cents and I got a coke. Seemed like a good deal at the time. I still play pool but I'm not that good anymore. Hard to see the length of the table and I shake a little so that makes it even tougher.
I also remember listening to the radio and the radio programs that were on back then. Radio used to have stories and shows on, sorta like just listening to the TV would be now days. The pictures were in your mind. No, the radio was never all music like it is now and some days I miss that.
My favorite thing was reading tho. I'd read the ingredients on a catsup bottle. I read a whole set of encyclopedias once. I've also read the bible from cover to cover but not until I was over 30. When I was a kid I loved comic books and I think I read everyone from the 50's and 60's. I read every book in the school library they would let me read and same with the town library.
My mother had to send a note to both libraries telling them it was okay for me to read anything in the library. The librarians were concerned that some things might be to advanced for me. Heh, I know I wore out at least one dictionary before I decided that getting to advanced wasn't good and to take things in order.
I read as an escape from my own private hell. Funny, the idea of hell doesn't scare me a bit. Visited it twice and survived both times. Twice you say? Yep, I turned 18 in 1965 and you know I got drafted shortly after. I still read today and I still read the ingredients on a ketchup bottle if there isn't anything else.
If it wasn't for all of my reading and my curiosity I'd be digging ditches or some other silly crap that's nothing but hard work. Lol, never much cared for work until I drove truck. That's one job I'd have done for free just because I loved it. I've had two jobs like that. The other was working with computers and I'm still doing that one. I wish I could drive truck but it's beyond my capabilities anymore due to my cervical problems.
No, my life wasn't always hell but the vast majority of it was. Yes, others had it worse than I did. Mine was bad enough and I lived thru it. One of the shrinks I didn't talk to told me I was a survivor and that I always would be. Considering I've made it this far and survived a lot of things where other people died or didn't have the will to fight anymore I guess I'd say that was an accurate assessment.
I have my childhood, such as it was, to thank for that.
The best times I had were at my grandmothers house. She was and still is the definition of unconditional love, to me. It's to bad I had to let her die. That's a story for another day tho.
I can remember her teaching me to play cards and to think while I did it. She also taught me Yahtzee, Flinch, Monopoly and Scrabble. I had a lot of fun playing games with her and just being with her. She's the only person I can remember caring about me.
I loved being at the lake fishing, exploring or just getting away from everyone else. I still like being by the water and am most comfortable there. My father, grandmother and grandfather taught me how to fish and to enjoy the outdoors.
I also remember having a lot of fun roller skating with my cousin and all of our friends. Same with ice skating. I was and still am very good at both. I also loved swimming and got quite good at it too. Gave up swimming when I started having breathing problems from my COPD.
Now there's a good reason to be depressed. COPD is going to eventually kill me. My own damn fault too. Not any regrets there tho and worse yet, I still smoke. Started when I was 8 and altho I hate it I also like it a lot. I've tried to quit many times and haven't managed it yet. 52 years of smoking and as bad as I know it is I still can't quit.
One thing I do know is that smoking ain't cool no matter what anyone says.
There were other things I enjoyed like riding my old, 4th hand 26 inch boys bike that I had to ride underneath the bar because my legs weren't long enough to reach the pedals. Damn, I loved that bike. Used to ride it all over and it's the one I rode to the lake.
I used my uncles old red wagon, tied on the back of my bike, to pick up pop bottles with and turn them in for 2 cents apiece. I rode all over the place hunting for them.
Playing and hustling pool is another good memory I have. Lol, it probably shouldn't be but it is. Confessions of an 8 yr old pool hustler. ;) One drunk I knew when I was a kid used to come to the house to get me and take me to the bar with him to hustle pool. My cousin and I were the two absolute best bumper pool players around and that includes adults.
Vernie would play partners for a dollar a game and I'd get a free coke out of it. He made 95 cents and I got a coke. Seemed like a good deal at the time. I still play pool but I'm not that good anymore. Hard to see the length of the table and I shake a little so that makes it even tougher.
I also remember listening to the radio and the radio programs that were on back then. Radio used to have stories and shows on, sorta like just listening to the TV would be now days. The pictures were in your mind. No, the radio was never all music like it is now and some days I miss that.
My favorite thing was reading tho. I'd read the ingredients on a catsup bottle. I read a whole set of encyclopedias once. I've also read the bible from cover to cover but not until I was over 30. When I was a kid I loved comic books and I think I read everyone from the 50's and 60's. I read every book in the school library they would let me read and same with the town library.
My mother had to send a note to both libraries telling them it was okay for me to read anything in the library. The librarians were concerned that some things might be to advanced for me. Heh, I know I wore out at least one dictionary before I decided that getting to advanced wasn't good and to take things in order.
I read as an escape from my own private hell. Funny, the idea of hell doesn't scare me a bit. Visited it twice and survived both times. Twice you say? Yep, I turned 18 in 1965 and you know I got drafted shortly after. I still read today and I still read the ingredients on a ketchup bottle if there isn't anything else.
If it wasn't for all of my reading and my curiosity I'd be digging ditches or some other silly crap that's nothing but hard work. Lol, never much cared for work until I drove truck. That's one job I'd have done for free just because I loved it. I've had two jobs like that. The other was working with computers and I'm still doing that one. I wish I could drive truck but it's beyond my capabilities anymore due to my cervical problems.
No, my life wasn't always hell but the vast majority of it was. Yes, others had it worse than I did. Mine was bad enough and I lived thru it. One of the shrinks I didn't talk to told me I was a survivor and that I always would be. Considering I've made it this far and survived a lot of things where other people died or didn't have the will to fight anymore I guess I'd say that was an accurate assessment.
I have my childhood, such as it was, to thank for that.
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