We haven't been getting along for quite awhile. We've dated off and on for almost a year when I'm between girls. Lol, you could say she's my fallback position. No, it's not a nice thing to do to her but she's always there and we always end up back together.
I have some rules in my life that are pretty simple. Be honest with me, be loyal to me if we are friends or in a relationship, be faithful in a relationship and do what you tell me you will do. Simple and easy, at least to me.
Evidently I need to add another. Give me lots of attention. She works and she has a son who doesn't live with her but that she gets on a weekly basis when she's in town. I know her work hours so I don't call her during those hours. However I do call her before work, sometimes after work as she gets off around one in the morning.
She will tell me she'll call at a certain time or when a certain thing gets done and then she doesn't. When she wants something, even as little as 20 dollars she'll be really nice, call me, tell me how much she cares, etc. However as soon as she gets what she wants she forgets about calling or being nice. Irritates me to no end.
When she doesn't call I get very upset with her and then we fight. We had agreed to be together for this week but I put a condition on it that it depended on how well we got along on the phone. Heh, we lasted one day after discussing our future together.
Two weeks ago she was working in a smaller city and was going to be working somewhere else the next week. I told her if she wanted I'd come and stay with her the next week. Then work happened and I couldn't come so we agreed on this week at her apt as she wasn't supposed to be working.
She didn't call me to let me know she got to the small city so I called to make sure she was okay and got no answer. Neither did she call me the next day so I left a message. When she still hadn't called the next morning I got irritated and sent her a not so nice text message. She finally got around to calling and I asked her why she hadn't called before.
She got mad and hung up on me. The second time in a week so I quit calling her and said from now on it was up to her to call me. Short fight about that but I had it in stubborn mode so we didn't talk for a few days. Besides, we had plans to be together this week anyway.
Now I'm mad and not talking, she's mad and not talking and things are going very badly. The meeting her at her next job got cancelled because I was angry at her for not calling. We then planned this eek together if we could get along.
We couldn't. We lasted two days without fighting, made plans on what to do with her son while I was there and it was all set up so we could be together. She wants me to come to where she lives and move in together so we figured out how to introduce her son to the idea and all of that.
Then we got into a fight yet again. She hadn't called me when she said she would and I snapped on her and we didn't talk until yesterday. I had sent her a txt msg that said if she didn't call by 11 on Sunday we were through and I wouldn't be there. Sent her another one at 9 Sunday morning telling her she had two hours left or we were through because I was tired of the BS of her not doing what she said.
So she called right back and said she was about out of minutes and would call me when she got home, from her house phone. Checkout time at my motel was 11 so when she hadn't called by then I checked out, killed time talking to the woman who runs the motel and her little girl and she still hadn't called by noon so I left and headed west. She lives NE of here so wrong direction.
She finally called at 12:30 and asked what I was doing and if I was on the way. Told her I was headed west and we got into a big argument. Then a few miles down the road I decided what she had said made sense so I turned around and headed for her, 1000 miles away. Stopped and got gas and called her and told her I changed my mind, that she was right and I'd be there Monday night.
She then told me that because I hadn't called her she took another job and was going to be gone but I could come to the small city and stay with her at the motel. That pissed me off and I said no then she went off on me and chewed my ass up one side and down the other. Told me she decided to take the job when I hadn't called her because I was mad. Lol, I was mad because she hadn't called me. Once again the conversation was short and I told her to have fun at the job and we hung up.
Then I checked back into a motel to get some work done and to think. She had told me I was acting like a spoiled little kid and I wasn't to tell her what to do or when or how. So I thought about it and decided she was right, I had been acting badly. If it was okay for us to meet at her other job why wasn't it okay for me to meet her this time. Because I had planned to be at her place and it pissed me off because it wasn't going to happen.
So I'm here alone, she's there alone and we are both angry at one another. I know the problem and I know it's my fault, this time. Depression makes you do some weird things without even understanding you are doing them.
When she doesn't call or return calls I take it as total rejection and get very hurt over it. When I get hurt I get angry and unreasonable. It feels a lot like my mother rejecting me. For that reason I need and want and crave her attention. I never used to be that way. I didn't need anyone for anything. I'm not here with her so still don't but now it hurts.
Somewhere along the way I turned into a very needy wuss who pouts and gets angry if I don't get the attention I need. That's totally stupid because it pushes her away and then I don't get anything I want at all. Worse yet I know it's the same reason I fought with all the other girls I went out with. That made me even more depressed.
I don't blame my mother for my behavior, that's my very own responsibility and I am responsible for the things I say and do. The problem is I don' think, I just get angry. Rejection is a very scary thing to me. Now I understand why it is and that's due to my mother not wanting me.
So, here I sit, depressed, alone and lonely and have no one to blame but myself. Life sucks some days.
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