I was going to put at reply to the comment on my last post but this will be even better as it gives me more room. Heh, a court appointed shrink once told the judge I had sociopathic tendencies but I wasn't a sociopath.
Lol, I also have a certificate somewhere that says I'm sane. Yeah, ya have to get committed to the funny farm to get one of those. 30 days for observation. Great story there but that's another 12 years in the future too.
Heh, I'm probably one of few people that has legal testimony as proof to not being sociopathic or insane.
Dangerous is a bit of a different story. Back when I was younger until I turned 40 or so I was quite dangerous and bad tempered. I thought I was 6 ft 2 inches and 225 pounds instead of my 5 foot 7 and 160 pounds and I acted as if I owned the world.
In my defense I will say that I seldom started a fight but I sure finished a lot of them. However it didn't take to much of an insult to get me to fight back then. I didn't care if there was one or five, I'd fight. I haven't been in a fight for 8 years now. At least not physically.
Believe it or not most people think of me as intimidating. Enough people have told me that so often that I believe other people see me that way but I don't understand why. I still hear it and I'm down to 5 ft 6 and i/2 inches and 112 pounds. Damn emphysema.
The shrink who said I wasn't a sociopath but had some tendencies just didn't get it. Lol, not all shrinks are created equal. He couldn't understand why I thought it was okay to hurt people who hurt me. He didn't get it that if you physically hurt my sister I was going to kick some serious ass. He didn't get it that if you hurt my girlfriend I was going to kick some serious ass. He didn't get it that if you called them bad names I was going to kick some ass.
Hit a woman in front of me I'm going to hurt you, hit a child in front of me I'm going to hurt you. Rape my wife, sister, daughter or girlfriend I'm going to hunt you down and save the state some money. Molest my grandchildren or my girlfriends kids I'm going to hunt you down.
Those things haven't changed since I talked to that shrink. They won't change until after I'm dead and not then if I can help it. Yeah, I was dangerous big time back then. Still a bit dangerous now but freaking emphysema pretty much put an end to fighting. Now it's got to be over in 45 seconds max or I'm screwed. ;)
I also discovered it's much more fun to use your mind instead of your physical body. No, not hacking or identity theft or any of that crap. Just plain old manipulation and knowing peoples tendencies.
Example. Two years ago I manipulated a guy into jail by using his own tendencies against him. His wife had let me know he was hitting her and his twin daughters again. I'd stopped it 15 years earlier by beating him severely and telling him the next time would be worse.
She wanted a divorce too but was afraid to get it or file the papers. I had her go to court and get a restraining order as I knew he'd fight it. While they were both in court she had him served with divorce papers in the court room right after she got the restraining order.
The restraining order was issued by a judge who didn't put up with any knd of BS in that regard. I knew the guy would do nothing in court, I knew he wouldn't do anything while he was escorted to get his personal things from their house. I knew he would go get drunk and show up at the house after he did, thus violating the restraining order.
About 1:30 in the morning he showed up at their house and wanted in. So my friend unlocked the door and when she did he shoved it open and hit her. The she nailed him with the stun gun I gave her and it was all over with. Except for the fact that I had to stop her from using the stun gun after the first couple of times, all went as planned. Yes, I was there to protect her if things didn't go as planned.
The cops arrested him for assault and battery, resisting arrest, violating the restraining order and a few other minor charges. The judge sentenced him to 6 months in jail. He lost his job and life as he knew it changed greatly, my friend and her daughters moved to another city where they are safe and as far as I know he hasn't found them yet.
Now that was more fun and more satisfying than a physical fight. I never, ever believed in getting even either. I believed in getting ahead. Way ahead. I believed the way to keep people from hurting you was to hurt them so bad the first time they did it so that they'd never think of messing with me or mine again.
Lol, one shrink told me I had an inappropriate response mechanism. So I had to ask what he meant. He said if someone hits you instead of hitting back you just nuke them. I said yep, keeps them from doing it again, ain't that the whole idea of a fight. In the circles I was hanging out in at the time it was the only way to survive.
Never a sociopath tho as I had feelings. I managed to suppress them quite well, from the time my mother beat me until I stopped crying, until I met one girl who reawakened feelings I'd forgotten I could have. I was pretty well successful at keeping them at bay for damn near 50 years.
She and I broke up 17 months ago and I'm just barely back to being able to suppress most of them most of the time. Damn woman made me fall in love, want to have a child with her and made me care about myself and the future.
My depression is getting better and I'm getting back to my tough minded self again. Getting all that stuff back in the boxes it was hidden away in, in my mind, was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. Keeping it stuffed in them is also harder than it used to be.
So, no, not near as dangerous as I used to be but don't try to rob me or car jack me and when I hit the nursing home don't try taking my wheelchair either. I'll always be badass enough that those things aren't going to happen without someone getting seriously hurt and I don't expect it to be me.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, but do it twice as much. While I no longer believe violence is the way to solve problems, I do understand that there are people who only understand violence. I do understand that there are some truly bad or evil people in the world.
Yeah, I know, I should go talk to someone about all of this crap I suppressed but at a couple of hours a week it would take forever and cost a damn fortune. Few shrinks I've met that were smart enough to be able to help me and none I trusted enough to talk to, at least not seriously. Heh, writing this blog is enough talking to make me realize a lot of different things.
So, nope, not a sociopath and not a danger to normal people. I've done a lot of stupid things but hurting innocent people was never one of them. All of this will become more clear as I continue to age in my life story. Sheesh, at least I hope it will. ;)
Showing posts with label fighting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fighting. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Monday, June 11, 2007
School in Fairmont and the gauntlet
My stepfather, who I always called Murphy as that was his last name. I never did call him dad but my sister did from about the first week after he and my mother got married. Lol, used to piss my mother off that I wouldn't call him dad. She beat me a few times for it.
Mof when my daughter, who was given up for adoption, found me one of the first things she told me was she didn't know what to call me. I told her using my first name was fine. Her dad was the person she had known since she was a week old.
Murphy has some relatives in Fairmont too. One of them farmed and had 3 or 4 boys, one was a DJ at the local radio station, and a girl or two. I used to be required to play with them as they also had a son my age.
Back then they were strict Catholics, didn't eat meat on Friday, except fish. BTW, how is it that fish isn't meat? Never did understand that one. Heh, it was all so a mortal sin for hem to set foot in another church. They all went to Catholic school.
Back then you could still bring visitors to school so on a day that public school was off but the Catholics had school Pat invited me to come to his school so I could see what it was like. I didn't really want to but Murphy insisted so I went.
It really wasn't all that much different from going to public school except it was a lot more strict and the prayer times during the day and the religion that was taught. They were about a year ahead of the grade levels at public school but that wasn't a problem for me. I got it all. While I won't get into what I think of the education system I will say if I had kids they would go to a private school or be home schooled. Education was better for them that it was for us public school kids.
The food in their cafeteria was no better than the food in public school tho and they didn't have quite as much recess as we did at my school. So we went out and played at recess and it was pretty rough play. Not so rough I couldn't deal with it but because I was a visitor I was getting the usual crap.
About the time recess was getting over the boys lined up in two lines with enough space for a person to walk between them. I was dared to go between the two lines while they got to hit or kick me on the way through. Pat had told me this was going to happen and I think he wanted to see, as the rest did, if I had the balls to do it or if I was to chicken. Lol, little did they know.
So I got into my position and I stood there waiting for my advantage to come. It was going to be a very small, slim advantage but I wanted every chance I could get. So I waited and they started calling me names and making fun of me. Heh, boys will be boys.
Then all of a sudden the end of recess bell went off. Just what I'd been waiting for but not for the reason they thought. I knew it was going to distract them when it went off and that was my minimal little advantage.
When the bell went off I punched the guy on my right and took off down the line. I made it about half way before they recovered and started hitting and kicking, I hit a few more but mostly stayed hunched over with my head down and ran through the line.
I made it all the way through but the last guy in line stepped over right in the middle of the path so I just lowered my head and ran into him like I was a fullback going for the goal line. He went down in a heap and thee I was, through the gauntlet, with a minimum of damage and I'd managed to hurt at least two of them plus the guy at the end of the line.
Forgot to tell you but my step cousin was in the line too. After that I got treated with respect by all of them for the rest of the day and by most of them for the rest of the time I lived in Fairmont.
I had a few fights with some of them and a few with the public school kids but it didn't take them long to learn that I wasn't afraid to take some damage to inflict even more damage on them so after the first few months I mostly got left alone.
One of the big differences about Murphy was he didn't like fighting so he'd beat me for fighting instead of losing a fight. Didn't matter as I already didn't care, winning a fight and making others leave me alone was more important than any beating Murphy was going to give me. Him using his fist and feet on me didn't make me more compliant or even scared, it just made me tougher and better able to handle the pain of it.
BTW, I never took the opportunity to visit my step cousin at his school again.
Mof when my daughter, who was given up for adoption, found me one of the first things she told me was she didn't know what to call me. I told her using my first name was fine. Her dad was the person she had known since she was a week old.
Murphy has some relatives in Fairmont too. One of them farmed and had 3 or 4 boys, one was a DJ at the local radio station, and a girl or two. I used to be required to play with them as they also had a son my age.
Back then they were strict Catholics, didn't eat meat on Friday, except fish. BTW, how is it that fish isn't meat? Never did understand that one. Heh, it was all so a mortal sin for hem to set foot in another church. They all went to Catholic school.
Back then you could still bring visitors to school so on a day that public school was off but the Catholics had school Pat invited me to come to his school so I could see what it was like. I didn't really want to but Murphy insisted so I went.
It really wasn't all that much different from going to public school except it was a lot more strict and the prayer times during the day and the religion that was taught. They were about a year ahead of the grade levels at public school but that wasn't a problem for me. I got it all. While I won't get into what I think of the education system I will say if I had kids they would go to a private school or be home schooled. Education was better for them that it was for us public school kids.
The food in their cafeteria was no better than the food in public school tho and they didn't have quite as much recess as we did at my school. So we went out and played at recess and it was pretty rough play. Not so rough I couldn't deal with it but because I was a visitor I was getting the usual crap.
About the time recess was getting over the boys lined up in two lines with enough space for a person to walk between them. I was dared to go between the two lines while they got to hit or kick me on the way through. Pat had told me this was going to happen and I think he wanted to see, as the rest did, if I had the balls to do it or if I was to chicken. Lol, little did they know.
So I got into my position and I stood there waiting for my advantage to come. It was going to be a very small, slim advantage but I wanted every chance I could get. So I waited and they started calling me names and making fun of me. Heh, boys will be boys.
Then all of a sudden the end of recess bell went off. Just what I'd been waiting for but not for the reason they thought. I knew it was going to distract them when it went off and that was my minimal little advantage.
When the bell went off I punched the guy on my right and took off down the line. I made it about half way before they recovered and started hitting and kicking, I hit a few more but mostly stayed hunched over with my head down and ran through the line.
I made it all the way through but the last guy in line stepped over right in the middle of the path so I just lowered my head and ran into him like I was a fullback going for the goal line. He went down in a heap and thee I was, through the gauntlet, with a minimum of damage and I'd managed to hurt at least two of them plus the guy at the end of the line.
Forgot to tell you but my step cousin was in the line too. After that I got treated with respect by all of them for the rest of the day and by most of them for the rest of the time I lived in Fairmont.
I had a few fights with some of them and a few with the public school kids but it didn't take them long to learn that I wasn't afraid to take some damage to inflict even more damage on them so after the first few months I mostly got left alone.
One of the big differences about Murphy was he didn't like fighting so he'd beat me for fighting instead of losing a fight. Didn't matter as I already didn't care, winning a fight and making others leave me alone was more important than any beating Murphy was going to give me. Him using his fist and feet on me didn't make me more compliant or even scared, it just made me tougher and better able to handle the pain of it.
BTW, I never took the opportunity to visit my step cousin at his school again.
Monday, April 2, 2007
Seems I've turned into a depressed needy wuss that confuses my girlfriend
We haven't been getting along for quite awhile. We've dated off and on for almost a year when I'm between girls. Lol, you could say she's my fallback position. No, it's not a nice thing to do to her but she's always there and we always end up back together.
I have some rules in my life that are pretty simple. Be honest with me, be loyal to me if we are friends or in a relationship, be faithful in a relationship and do what you tell me you will do. Simple and easy, at least to me.
Evidently I need to add another. Give me lots of attention. She works and she has a son who doesn't live with her but that she gets on a weekly basis when she's in town. I know her work hours so I don't call her during those hours. However I do call her before work, sometimes after work as she gets off around one in the morning.
She will tell me she'll call at a certain time or when a certain thing gets done and then she doesn't. When she wants something, even as little as 20 dollars she'll be really nice, call me, tell me how much she cares, etc. However as soon as she gets what she wants she forgets about calling or being nice. Irritates me to no end.
When she doesn't call I get very upset with her and then we fight. We had agreed to be together for this week but I put a condition on it that it depended on how well we got along on the phone. Heh, we lasted one day after discussing our future together.
Two weeks ago she was working in a smaller city and was going to be working somewhere else the next week. I told her if she wanted I'd come and stay with her the next week. Then work happened and I couldn't come so we agreed on this week at her apt as she wasn't supposed to be working.
She didn't call me to let me know she got to the small city so I called to make sure she was okay and got no answer. Neither did she call me the next day so I left a message. When she still hadn't called the next morning I got irritated and sent her a not so nice text message. She finally got around to calling and I asked her why she hadn't called before.
She got mad and hung up on me. The second time in a week so I quit calling her and said from now on it was up to her to call me. Short fight about that but I had it in stubborn mode so we didn't talk for a few days. Besides, we had plans to be together this week anyway.
Now I'm mad and not talking, she's mad and not talking and things are going very badly. The meeting her at her next job got cancelled because I was angry at her for not calling. We then planned this eek together if we could get along.
We couldn't. We lasted two days without fighting, made plans on what to do with her son while I was there and it was all set up so we could be together. She wants me to come to where she lives and move in together so we figured out how to introduce her son to the idea and all of that.
Then we got into a fight yet again. She hadn't called me when she said she would and I snapped on her and we didn't talk until yesterday. I had sent her a txt msg that said if she didn't call by 11 on Sunday we were through and I wouldn't be there. Sent her another one at 9 Sunday morning telling her she had two hours left or we were through because I was tired of the BS of her not doing what she said.
So she called right back and said she was about out of minutes and would call me when she got home, from her house phone. Checkout time at my motel was 11 so when she hadn't called by then I checked out, killed time talking to the woman who runs the motel and her little girl and she still hadn't called by noon so I left and headed west. She lives NE of here so wrong direction.
She finally called at 12:30 and asked what I was doing and if I was on the way. Told her I was headed west and we got into a big argument. Then a few miles down the road I decided what she had said made sense so I turned around and headed for her, 1000 miles away. Stopped and got gas and called her and told her I changed my mind, that she was right and I'd be there Monday night.
She then told me that because I hadn't called her she took another job and was going to be gone but I could come to the small city and stay with her at the motel. That pissed me off and I said no then she went off on me and chewed my ass up one side and down the other. Told me she decided to take the job when I hadn't called her because I was mad. Lol, I was mad because she hadn't called me. Once again the conversation was short and I told her to have fun at the job and we hung up.
Then I checked back into a motel to get some work done and to think. She had told me I was acting like a spoiled little kid and I wasn't to tell her what to do or when or how. So I thought about it and decided she was right, I had been acting badly. If it was okay for us to meet at her other job why wasn't it okay for me to meet her this time. Because I had planned to be at her place and it pissed me off because it wasn't going to happen.
So I'm here alone, she's there alone and we are both angry at one another. I know the problem and I know it's my fault, this time. Depression makes you do some weird things without even understanding you are doing them.
When she doesn't call or return calls I take it as total rejection and get very hurt over it. When I get hurt I get angry and unreasonable. It feels a lot like my mother rejecting me. For that reason I need and want and crave her attention. I never used to be that way. I didn't need anyone for anything. I'm not here with her so still don't but now it hurts.
Somewhere along the way I turned into a very needy wuss who pouts and gets angry if I don't get the attention I need. That's totally stupid because it pushes her away and then I don't get anything I want at all. Worse yet I know it's the same reason I fought with all the other girls I went out with. That made me even more depressed.
I don't blame my mother for my behavior, that's my very own responsibility and I am responsible for the things I say and do. The problem is I don' think, I just get angry. Rejection is a very scary thing to me. Now I understand why it is and that's due to my mother not wanting me.
So, here I sit, depressed, alone and lonely and have no one to blame but myself. Life sucks some days.
I have some rules in my life that are pretty simple. Be honest with me, be loyal to me if we are friends or in a relationship, be faithful in a relationship and do what you tell me you will do. Simple and easy, at least to me.
Evidently I need to add another. Give me lots of attention. She works and she has a son who doesn't live with her but that she gets on a weekly basis when she's in town. I know her work hours so I don't call her during those hours. However I do call her before work, sometimes after work as she gets off around one in the morning.
She will tell me she'll call at a certain time or when a certain thing gets done and then she doesn't. When she wants something, even as little as 20 dollars she'll be really nice, call me, tell me how much she cares, etc. However as soon as she gets what she wants she forgets about calling or being nice. Irritates me to no end.
When she doesn't call I get very upset with her and then we fight. We had agreed to be together for this week but I put a condition on it that it depended on how well we got along on the phone. Heh, we lasted one day after discussing our future together.
Two weeks ago she was working in a smaller city and was going to be working somewhere else the next week. I told her if she wanted I'd come and stay with her the next week. Then work happened and I couldn't come so we agreed on this week at her apt as she wasn't supposed to be working.
She didn't call me to let me know she got to the small city so I called to make sure she was okay and got no answer. Neither did she call me the next day so I left a message. When she still hadn't called the next morning I got irritated and sent her a not so nice text message. She finally got around to calling and I asked her why she hadn't called before.
She got mad and hung up on me. The second time in a week so I quit calling her and said from now on it was up to her to call me. Short fight about that but I had it in stubborn mode so we didn't talk for a few days. Besides, we had plans to be together this week anyway.
Now I'm mad and not talking, she's mad and not talking and things are going very badly. The meeting her at her next job got cancelled because I was angry at her for not calling. We then planned this eek together if we could get along.
We couldn't. We lasted two days without fighting, made plans on what to do with her son while I was there and it was all set up so we could be together. She wants me to come to where she lives and move in together so we figured out how to introduce her son to the idea and all of that.
Then we got into a fight yet again. She hadn't called me when she said she would and I snapped on her and we didn't talk until yesterday. I had sent her a txt msg that said if she didn't call by 11 on Sunday we were through and I wouldn't be there. Sent her another one at 9 Sunday morning telling her she had two hours left or we were through because I was tired of the BS of her not doing what she said.
So she called right back and said she was about out of minutes and would call me when she got home, from her house phone. Checkout time at my motel was 11 so when she hadn't called by then I checked out, killed time talking to the woman who runs the motel and her little girl and she still hadn't called by noon so I left and headed west. She lives NE of here so wrong direction.
She finally called at 12:30 and asked what I was doing and if I was on the way. Told her I was headed west and we got into a big argument. Then a few miles down the road I decided what she had said made sense so I turned around and headed for her, 1000 miles away. Stopped and got gas and called her and told her I changed my mind, that she was right and I'd be there Monday night.
She then told me that because I hadn't called her she took another job and was going to be gone but I could come to the small city and stay with her at the motel. That pissed me off and I said no then she went off on me and chewed my ass up one side and down the other. Told me she decided to take the job when I hadn't called her because I was mad. Lol, I was mad because she hadn't called me. Once again the conversation was short and I told her to have fun at the job and we hung up.
Then I checked back into a motel to get some work done and to think. She had told me I was acting like a spoiled little kid and I wasn't to tell her what to do or when or how. So I thought about it and decided she was right, I had been acting badly. If it was okay for us to meet at her other job why wasn't it okay for me to meet her this time. Because I had planned to be at her place and it pissed me off because it wasn't going to happen.
So I'm here alone, she's there alone and we are both angry at one another. I know the problem and I know it's my fault, this time. Depression makes you do some weird things without even understanding you are doing them.
When she doesn't call or return calls I take it as total rejection and get very hurt over it. When I get hurt I get angry and unreasonable. It feels a lot like my mother rejecting me. For that reason I need and want and crave her attention. I never used to be that way. I didn't need anyone for anything. I'm not here with her so still don't but now it hurts.
Somewhere along the way I turned into a very needy wuss who pouts and gets angry if I don't get the attention I need. That's totally stupid because it pushes her away and then I don't get anything I want at all. Worse yet I know it's the same reason I fought with all the other girls I went out with. That made me even more depressed.
I don't blame my mother for my behavior, that's my very own responsibility and I am responsible for the things I say and do. The problem is I don' think, I just get angry. Rejection is a very scary thing to me. Now I understand why it is and that's due to my mother not wanting me.
So, here I sit, depressed, alone and lonely and have no one to blame but myself. Life sucks some days.
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