Lots of people have child abuse stories and if they are around my age they tolerated it until they either ran away or put a stop to it themselves. They also have a lot of stories of child abuse, just as I have. I told you how I stopped my mother from abusing me and this story will be about how I stopped my stepfather.
I suppose you could call this child abuse vs. discipline but there was no discipline involved. Just anger and child abuse. The emotional child abuse I received from both my mother and stepfather has stuck with me far longer than the physical abuse I received.
While I still have a few scars from my abusive childhood what it affected most was my mind. Beat me, kick me, burn me, lock me away, etc. the physical effects are gone but the mental ones will be with me until I die. As it is with most children.
My alcoholic aunt and uncle were visiting and that always meant trouble so I tried to stay out of their way and out of the house. Because I was relegated to the basement I could get in and out most of the time without being seen. Not this time tho.
I could hear them yelling at each other upstairs and my sister was crying. By then I as 16 so we are skipping ahead a little here but not to far. Anyway when I got upstairs my uncle and my mother were fighting. It was loud enough that I kept expecting the cops to come. Lol, they didn't.
My stepfather was so drunk he was trying to open a bottle of beer with a BBQ tongs. My uncle was yelling so I told him to be quiet. He stood up to grab me and I pushed him away. Then his wife started yelling at me that he only had one lung and I need to be gentle with him. Told her if she didn't want him hurt she better get him sat down and shut up.
She started yelling at me for being disrespectful and I told her to pack their shit and get out and never come back. My uncle took exception and started to get up again and I pushed him back in his chair and told him get out or I was going to kick the shit out of him.
He said something so I pooped him in the mouth and told him again to GET OUT. They decided to leave. Then a fist come flying by my face so I turned to see what was happening now. My stepfather had taken a swing at me and missed. I swung back and didn't miss. He went down and I jumped on him.
I had a ton of rage and now I was going to get it out. I'd taken his fists and feet for 6 years and that was about to be done with too. I didn't care what happened to me and I was going to end it and end it now. I hit him again while he was down and then grabbed his throat and his hair and started choking him and banging his head on the floor.
Meanwhile mu aunt and uncle are screaming at me and my mother grabbed the broom and started beating me with the handle. It had absolutely no affect on me at all. Had I not seen it going up and down I never would have noticed. When my stepfather stopped moving I stood up and grabbed the broom from her and broke it in half.
The other three were still yelling at me and then my stepfather grabbed my leg so I kicked him in the ribs as hard as I could and he let go and stayed down. Then I told all four of them I was leaving and I'd be back in a few hours and that my aunt and uncle had better be gone or I was going to put them out.
As I was taking a step to leave my stepfather grabbed me again so I hit him in the nose as hard as I could and then proceeded to leave. I went down town and spent a little time with the people I hung out with and then went back home. My aunt and uncle were gone, which was a good thing and my parents were in bed.
My sister was still up and she was crying so I just left her alone, grabbed a bowl of cereal and went back down to my basement room.
As child abuse stories go this was not an unexpected ending, at least in my life. I had gotten big enough and brave enough to protect myself. Lol, 16 yrs old and 130 pounds. It wasn't my size nor my age that got me through all of it, it was the rage.
So now I have stopped all of the physical abuse but the mental and emotional abuse continued for another 2o years. I finally put an end to all of that too but it took some time.
Showing posts with label child. Show all posts
Showing posts with label child. Show all posts
Friday, April 4, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Molestation survivor stories and molested as I slept
Molestation survivor stories like mine have always made me wonder why do people molest children. I was molested sleeping by men and, much to my surprise, molested by women while awake. Of course I never considered that molestation.
Being molested as I slept, by the worst of the bunch, my second youngest uncle, made me not want to sleep while I was at my grandmothers, if he was there. I'd stay out all night, stay awake and whatever it took to keep him away from me.
The same year I hit my mother back I put an end to being molested by my uncle. It wasn't even all that hard.
I was sleeping one night and he had come over to my bed and crawled in with me. When I woke up he was touching me. When he realized I was awake he increased his efforts and started whispering in my ear.
While he was touching me and jerking me off he took my hand and put it on his crotch. I knew I was angry about what he was doing and I'd been with a girl that night before I came home. Man, girls were my salvation. Because my body and mind responded to what my uncle did I always thought I was gay.
I didn't know, at the time, that your body would respond even if you didn't want it too. Girls just made me feel good and it was a huge relief to discover I liked them touching me and I hated men touching me.
Anyway, I was laying there, very angry, and he tried to push my head down. I pretended I was going to and slid my hand down to his crotch. Then came the major surprise, for him, not me. I grabbed his balls and squeezed them as hard as I could and put my other hand around his throat and squeezed it too. As hard as I could.
He started to try to get away and I told him if he moved I'd kill him right then and there. I also told him if he ever touched me again, came anywhere near my bed or even woke me up by sitting on the edge of my bed I'd kill him.
Now when someone has you by the balls and the throat you tend to cooperate, a lot. I was no longer going to be molested as I slept and I'm still here to tell my molestation survivor stories. He wasn't the only one but he was the worst one.
I don't know how much his balls swelled up but there were bruises on his throat when he came down for breakfast the next morning and he was a little hoarse.
Naturally he was stupid enough to get drunk one night and try again. I hit him in the face three times before he even knew what happened. He told everyone the next morning he got drunk the night before and fell down. I laughed out loud when he told that lie.
So not only did I put an end to my mother beating me I put an end to my uncle molesting me. What pissed me off most, and still does, is other adults knew he was a child molester and didn't do a damn thing about it.
As us kids got older and started talking about it a little bit we discovered he'd molested almost every kid on his side of the family and his wife's side. One of my cousins had his head lined up in the crosshairs of his .270 one day and didn't pull the trigger. He doesn't know how close he came to dying, not just then but from me too.
Most of the people in my family who didn't stop him are now dead. The vast majority I didn't talk to for most of my life. I suspect all the abuse is what made me so damn independent and so determined to not need anyone for anything because no one was there for me when I needed them.
It's not even something I talked about very much until I was damn near 50. Being molested just messes up your whole life. They didn't have therapy back then like they do now. Perhaps if someone had helped me I wouldn't have lead the life I lead.
What my childhood taught me was if you are tough, hard and mean no one will mess with you. By the time I was 18 most people considered me crazy or insane. They weren't wrong. I didn't care what I did if someone pissed me off and I didn't care what kind of damage my body had to take to make them stop messing with me.
Didn't make any difference if it was verbally or physically. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! Now I'm old, can't fight, can't run but I still want to be left alone. I'm not friendly and I have no friends and it doesn't bother me to much, most of the time.
If I never learned anything else from my childhood I did learn that you couldn't trust those who said they loved you and those who were supposed to protect you. If you know a kid who is being molested help them. If you were a victim of molestation then help others who were.
Being molested as I slept, by the worst of the bunch, my second youngest uncle, made me not want to sleep while I was at my grandmothers, if he was there. I'd stay out all night, stay awake and whatever it took to keep him away from me.
The same year I hit my mother back I put an end to being molested by my uncle. It wasn't even all that hard.
I was sleeping one night and he had come over to my bed and crawled in with me. When I woke up he was touching me. When he realized I was awake he increased his efforts and started whispering in my ear.
While he was touching me and jerking me off he took my hand and put it on his crotch. I knew I was angry about what he was doing and I'd been with a girl that night before I came home. Man, girls were my salvation. Because my body and mind responded to what my uncle did I always thought I was gay.
I didn't know, at the time, that your body would respond even if you didn't want it too. Girls just made me feel good and it was a huge relief to discover I liked them touching me and I hated men touching me.
Anyway, I was laying there, very angry, and he tried to push my head down. I pretended I was going to and slid my hand down to his crotch. Then came the major surprise, for him, not me. I grabbed his balls and squeezed them as hard as I could and put my other hand around his throat and squeezed it too. As hard as I could.
He started to try to get away and I told him if he moved I'd kill him right then and there. I also told him if he ever touched me again, came anywhere near my bed or even woke me up by sitting on the edge of my bed I'd kill him.
Now when someone has you by the balls and the throat you tend to cooperate, a lot. I was no longer going to be molested as I slept and I'm still here to tell my molestation survivor stories. He wasn't the only one but he was the worst one.
I don't know how much his balls swelled up but there were bruises on his throat when he came down for breakfast the next morning and he was a little hoarse.
Naturally he was stupid enough to get drunk one night and try again. I hit him in the face three times before he even knew what happened. He told everyone the next morning he got drunk the night before and fell down. I laughed out loud when he told that lie.
So not only did I put an end to my mother beating me I put an end to my uncle molesting me. What pissed me off most, and still does, is other adults knew he was a child molester and didn't do a damn thing about it.
As us kids got older and started talking about it a little bit we discovered he'd molested almost every kid on his side of the family and his wife's side. One of my cousins had his head lined up in the crosshairs of his .270 one day and didn't pull the trigger. He doesn't know how close he came to dying, not just then but from me too.
Most of the people in my family who didn't stop him are now dead. The vast majority I didn't talk to for most of my life. I suspect all the abuse is what made me so damn independent and so determined to not need anyone for anything because no one was there for me when I needed them.
It's not even something I talked about very much until I was damn near 50. Being molested just messes up your whole life. They didn't have therapy back then like they do now. Perhaps if someone had helped me I wouldn't have lead the life I lead.
What my childhood taught me was if you are tough, hard and mean no one will mess with you. By the time I was 18 most people considered me crazy or insane. They weren't wrong. I didn't care what I did if someone pissed me off and I didn't care what kind of damage my body had to take to make them stop messing with me.
Didn't make any difference if it was verbally or physically. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! Now I'm old, can't fight, can't run but I still want to be left alone. I'm not friendly and I have no friends and it doesn't bother me to much, most of the time.
If I never learned anything else from my childhood I did learn that you couldn't trust those who said they loved you and those who were supposed to protect you. If you know a kid who is being molested help them. If you were a victim of molestation then help others who were.
Friday, April 6, 2007
Life long tinnitus and headaches caused by child abuse
Tinnitus means ear noise or ringing of the ears. I've had it for as long as I can remember. The first time I complained about it to a Dr. I was around 8 years old. That would have been in 1955. It's always there, every minute of every hour of every day.
Some days it sounds like Mariah Carey holding a high note forever and other days it sounds like the bugs do outside at sunset. Other times it's fluctuates between different tones and different level but it's always there. Always!
Now and then it's so loud I wonder why other people can't hear it. Sometimes it drives me to distraction but most of the time I just plain don't notice it unless it changes. In other words I've had it for so long I've gotten used to it.
I seldom go to the Dr. for anything but every couple of years I mention it to the doc and there is still no cure for it. They tell me certain things like aspirin can cause it but I have it whether I take aspirin or not. Doesn't matter what they tell me, I try it but it's still there.
I've been told by several different doctors who know about some of my abuse that to many blows to the head as a child could have been the cause. I don't know if they are right or not but as I said I've had it for as long as I can remember.
I've had cat scans, mri's and other tests, not specifically for the ringing i my ears but when the tests are scheduled I always mention it to the Dr. so they can look for a cause of that problem also. Everything comes up blank.
So I live with it, lol, not much choice there huh? It's just one of the constant reminders I have of being abused.
Another is headaches. I've also had them for as long as I can remember. The doctors try to figure out why and can find nothing wrong with my brain or my head. Then they tell me it's stress. I've been told I have migraines as I do have a couple of migraine symptoms and I may have the occasional migraine but I'm not sure that's what it is. I've been given practically every migraine treatment there is and none of them have helped.
When the migraine meds don't work they tell me they must be stress related. Heh, I don't get stress, I give stress. ;) Little joke there. Some I know are caused by stress but most aren't and all the drugs they give me to stop them seldom work. Good old aspirin works better than anything. Of course that makes my ringing ears even worse but it's better than having a headache.
When they can't find a cause they fall back on the old thing same as with the ringing. To many blows to the head as a child. I can handle a lot of pain and manage to function with pain that incapacitates many people. Yet now and then a headache will put me out of commission.
I can be sitting watching TV by myself, feeling comfortable and relaxed and all of a sudden it feels like someone hit me in the head with a hammer. Those are the ones I really hate. It won't just be one hit either, it will be like I was getting hit a few times. Dr. told me those were stroke symptoms and I should come in immediately when it happens. I went in once and they found nothing like a stoke happening so now I don't bother. However the pain is so immediate and so intense I let out a gasp with each one.
Nothing helps those headaches at all. I just have to wait for it to quit. Fortunately they don't last long. 15 or 20 minutes as a rule. The migraine like headaches I know they are coming before they get to a full blown state and I take Tylenol 3 or aspirin or ibuprofen to try and stop them before they start. That's rarely successful either.
Just a couple of the physical mementos I carry around with me at all times due to being a severely abused child. Thanks for the memories mother.
Some days it sounds like Mariah Carey holding a high note forever and other days it sounds like the bugs do outside at sunset. Other times it's fluctuates between different tones and different level but it's always there. Always!
Now and then it's so loud I wonder why other people can't hear it. Sometimes it drives me to distraction but most of the time I just plain don't notice it unless it changes. In other words I've had it for so long I've gotten used to it.
I seldom go to the Dr. for anything but every couple of years I mention it to the doc and there is still no cure for it. They tell me certain things like aspirin can cause it but I have it whether I take aspirin or not. Doesn't matter what they tell me, I try it but it's still there.
I've been told by several different doctors who know about some of my abuse that to many blows to the head as a child could have been the cause. I don't know if they are right or not but as I said I've had it for as long as I can remember.
I've had cat scans, mri's and other tests, not specifically for the ringing i my ears but when the tests are scheduled I always mention it to the Dr. so they can look for a cause of that problem also. Everything comes up blank.
So I live with it, lol, not much choice there huh? It's just one of the constant reminders I have of being abused.
Another is headaches. I've also had them for as long as I can remember. The doctors try to figure out why and can find nothing wrong with my brain or my head. Then they tell me it's stress. I've been told I have migraines as I do have a couple of migraine symptoms and I may have the occasional migraine but I'm not sure that's what it is. I've been given practically every migraine treatment there is and none of them have helped.
When the migraine meds don't work they tell me they must be stress related. Heh, I don't get stress, I give stress. ;) Little joke there. Some I know are caused by stress but most aren't and all the drugs they give me to stop them seldom work. Good old aspirin works better than anything. Of course that makes my ringing ears even worse but it's better than having a headache.
When they can't find a cause they fall back on the old thing same as with the ringing. To many blows to the head as a child. I can handle a lot of pain and manage to function with pain that incapacitates many people. Yet now and then a headache will put me out of commission.
I can be sitting watching TV by myself, feeling comfortable and relaxed and all of a sudden it feels like someone hit me in the head with a hammer. Those are the ones I really hate. It won't just be one hit either, it will be like I was getting hit a few times. Dr. told me those were stroke symptoms and I should come in immediately when it happens. I went in once and they found nothing like a stoke happening so now I don't bother. However the pain is so immediate and so intense I let out a gasp with each one.
Nothing helps those headaches at all. I just have to wait for it to quit. Fortunately they don't last long. 15 or 20 minutes as a rule. The migraine like headaches I know they are coming before they get to a full blown state and I take Tylenol 3 or aspirin or ibuprofen to try and stop them before they start. That's rarely successful either.
Just a couple of the physical mementos I carry around with me at all times due to being a severely abused child. Thanks for the memories mother.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
After my beating I turned into an angry kid
After making my update yesterday about my mother beating me so badly I was quite angry for the rest of the day. About the time I was getting over it the news came on and don't ya know they had an story about physical and sexual abuse. I have a forum at IBcynical Forum and I went off on a not so nice rant about the whole subject. If you are interested go take a look.
Child abuse is a subject that really irritates me because people knew I was being sexually, physically and mentally abused and no one did a damn thing about it. I was a very angry kid and back then there were no anger management activities for children nor any kind of anger management programs at all, not even for adults.
I never had any good role models when I was growing up and for sure never had any hero's. All I knew was anger, drinking, fighting and that kind of thing. Heh, I'm still way more comfortable in a bad ass bar than I am in an upscale place.
Anyway, the first time I saw Mr. Spock on Star Trek, that kinda dates me too, huh, I knew how I wanted to be. Cold, analytical and emotionless. Spock was everything I wanted to be. In control of himself at all times and logical.
I manged the cold and logical part very well and could even suppress all emotion except for one. Anger! For all the reading I did, all the research I did I was never able to find an effective way to control my anger. Well, I did find one way but it's not to workable for the most part. Staying away from people worked but I still had to go shopping for groceries, etc and would be in a constant state of irritation most of the time.
It's very obvious when I'm irritated as it comes out in my tone of voice and facial expressions. As hard as it may be for anyone to believe I'm very soft spoken but when irritated or angry I do speak louder. I also don't tend to sugar coat things when I speak so I've been called blunt, tactless and a bull in a china shop but the most frequent thing I'd hear was that I was an a**hole.
That one never bothered me and I encouraged it. MOF my whole personality is built on keeping people away from me and not letting anyone get anywhere close to me. The people who do get close to me are amazed how gentle I really am.
The girls I dated were all amazed when we would have sex that I was so extremely gentle with them and that their pleasure was more important to me than my own. It wasn't what they were expecting at all considering they knew how angry and irritable I could be. One of them described me as all porcupine and hard shell on the outside and all teddy bear on the inside.
One girl, who I fell in love with, made me feel emotions I hadn't felt for years and years. She even made me want to live. Now I can't get rid of the emotions and I don't know how to deal with them either. They confuse me and that irritates me to no end.
The psychologist I sent my ex wife and her kids to told me she could probably help me and I told her don't worry about it, I'll be fine. That was eight years ago and now I finally realize I'm not fine. Yeah, for being so intelligent sometimes I'm a slow learner, at least in that area.
I've spent 50 plus years being angry. I've used my anger to survive, I've used it to motivate myself and it's kept me alive more than once. I don't know how to be any other way. I'm very strong mentally unless I'm depressed and even then I'm still mentally tougher than everyone I know.
Nice huh? That's one of the problems with child abuse. Angry kids turn into even angrier adults. It doesn't make for a truly functional adult who enjoys much of anything. So now I'm 60 and angry and don't know how to change it. Nor am I sure I care to make the effort to try. My life expectancy is shorter than average due to the copd and I doubt there is enough time left in my life to fix all that's wrong and all that makes me so angry.
Like everyone else I want a quick fix and haven't been able to find one. Lol, don't anyone tell me to count to ten or to think or any of that simplistic crap. It doesn't work as the words come out of my mouth before my brain ever engages.
I'm rambling today, even worse than usual. What I want anyone to do who reads this is if you know or suspect any child is being abused, report it. Get involved, don't just stand on the sidelines and watch it happen. As far as I'm concerned if you know of child abuse and don't get involved you are as guilty as the person doing the abuse. Children are very precious things and everyone needs to do their part to protect them.
I'm a psychologists nightmare and some days I suspect if people knew the true thoughts going thru my head I'd be put in the funny farm for a long time. My depression is getting better but it's so slow. Seems to be no quick fix for that either. Funny, I can help other people fix or solve their personal problems but I sure can't fix my own. Ironic huh?
Child abuse is a subject that really irritates me because people knew I was being sexually, physically and mentally abused and no one did a damn thing about it. I was a very angry kid and back then there were no anger management activities for children nor any kind of anger management programs at all, not even for adults.
I never had any good role models when I was growing up and for sure never had any hero's. All I knew was anger, drinking, fighting and that kind of thing. Heh, I'm still way more comfortable in a bad ass bar than I am in an upscale place.
Anyway, the first time I saw Mr. Spock on Star Trek, that kinda dates me too, huh, I knew how I wanted to be. Cold, analytical and emotionless. Spock was everything I wanted to be. In control of himself at all times and logical.
I manged the cold and logical part very well and could even suppress all emotion except for one. Anger! For all the reading I did, all the research I did I was never able to find an effective way to control my anger. Well, I did find one way but it's not to workable for the most part. Staying away from people worked but I still had to go shopping for groceries, etc and would be in a constant state of irritation most of the time.
It's very obvious when I'm irritated as it comes out in my tone of voice and facial expressions. As hard as it may be for anyone to believe I'm very soft spoken but when irritated or angry I do speak louder. I also don't tend to sugar coat things when I speak so I've been called blunt, tactless and a bull in a china shop but the most frequent thing I'd hear was that I was an a**hole.
That one never bothered me and I encouraged it. MOF my whole personality is built on keeping people away from me and not letting anyone get anywhere close to me. The people who do get close to me are amazed how gentle I really am.
The girls I dated were all amazed when we would have sex that I was so extremely gentle with them and that their pleasure was more important to me than my own. It wasn't what they were expecting at all considering they knew how angry and irritable I could be. One of them described me as all porcupine and hard shell on the outside and all teddy bear on the inside.
One girl, who I fell in love with, made me feel emotions I hadn't felt for years and years. She even made me want to live. Now I can't get rid of the emotions and I don't know how to deal with them either. They confuse me and that irritates me to no end.
The psychologist I sent my ex wife and her kids to told me she could probably help me and I told her don't worry about it, I'll be fine. That was eight years ago and now I finally realize I'm not fine. Yeah, for being so intelligent sometimes I'm a slow learner, at least in that area.
I've spent 50 plus years being angry. I've used my anger to survive, I've used it to motivate myself and it's kept me alive more than once. I don't know how to be any other way. I'm very strong mentally unless I'm depressed and even then I'm still mentally tougher than everyone I know.
Nice huh? That's one of the problems with child abuse. Angry kids turn into even angrier adults. It doesn't make for a truly functional adult who enjoys much of anything. So now I'm 60 and angry and don't know how to change it. Nor am I sure I care to make the effort to try. My life expectancy is shorter than average due to the copd and I doubt there is enough time left in my life to fix all that's wrong and all that makes me so angry.
Like everyone else I want a quick fix and haven't been able to find one. Lol, don't anyone tell me to count to ten or to think or any of that simplistic crap. It doesn't work as the words come out of my mouth before my brain ever engages.
I'm rambling today, even worse than usual. What I want anyone to do who reads this is if you know or suspect any child is being abused, report it. Get involved, don't just stand on the sidelines and watch it happen. As far as I'm concerned if you know of child abuse and don't get involved you are as guilty as the person doing the abuse. Children are very precious things and everyone needs to do their part to protect them.
I'm a psychologists nightmare and some days I suspect if people knew the true thoughts going thru my head I'd be put in the funny farm for a long time. My depression is getting better but it's so slow. Seems to be no quick fix for that either. Funny, I can help other people fix or solve their personal problems but I sure can't fix my own. Ironic huh?
Friday, March 30, 2007
What causes cynical behavior and sarcastic comments
I suspect that child abuse cause a lot of cynical behavior. Why I'm so sarcastic I'm not sure but it's also probably related to having no patience with idiots, fools and stupid people. Jeff Foxworthy's 'Wheres your sign' jokes are sarcasm at it's best and funny too. At least IMO
Dealing with cynical people like me can be tough because I believe peoples actions, not their words. That was beaten into me when I was a little kid. After your mother has beaten you to a pulp and then comes to tell you how much she loves you, you tend not to believe it and when it happens over and over again you believe it even less.
Cynical people seem to have a lack of trust in anything anyone says and want to see proof. They've been lied to so many times that they believe in little but themselves. Yes, I'm cynical and quite sarcastic at times.
It seems to me that few people have any integrity or reliability. Most people tell you what they think you want to hear with no actual intention of carrying out what they told you. Lol, if you think that's cynical you might be right. It drives me absolutely crazy when someone tells me they will call me at 9 and then don't do it. Particularly when it's my GF.
It's gotten so bad that I only allow people in my private reality who are honest, trustworthy, reliable, loyal and who do what they say they will do. Anything else isn't worthy of my time, no matter who they are or what I think of them.
You see, calling when you say is part of being reliable, doing what you said is part of being reliable, being honest with me is part of being reliable, not playing games is part of being reliable. If I can't rely on people for a small thing how can I ever rely on them for bigger things. You trust people with small things first and then the things you trust them with get bigger and if they don't screw that up they get bigger still but they all start at the very bottom with very small things.
Lol, I have a history of sarcastic comments and that comes when people aren't reliable or don't do what they say often enough. My favorite is 'Whatever' and I can say it with a ton of different inflections. 'Yeah, right' is another I use frequently when dealing with unreliable people.
Most people don't get my sense of humor because it tends to be sarcastic jokes and remarks and quite cynical at times. I even keep a list of cynical love quotes on my PC just because I like them and now and then I use one of them. Mean rude sarcastic quotes are another thing I collect. It's an old girlfriends birthday in April and if I can find some sarcastic free ecards I'm going to send her the best one, or the worst one depending on your point of view.
There are nice guys cynical bitter and impatient and most days I'm one of them. However other people don' see me as nice when I call them on their lack of integrity or reliability in a cynical or sarcastic manner.
Some people told me years ago I should start my own forum for cynical people so I did. It's just my take on cu rent events, stupidity and other things that bug me. It's about Cynical people capable of thinking for themselves and having intelligent opinions and I even go off on a rant now and then. Wow, imagine that.
So did being an abused child cause me to become so cynical or was it something else. Personally I think it was the abuse. OTOH I also come from a long line of cynical and sarcastic people. However they were all abused too so I don't know.
Actions speak louder than words. I'm sure you've heard it a thousand times before. I'm also pretty sure most people ignore actions and keep on believing words. I seldom believe words any more, just actions. If your words and your actions match up we can be friends, if the don't we can't.
Words and actions not matching tends to make me more than a little sarcastic and cynical
Dealing with cynical people like me can be tough because I believe peoples actions, not their words. That was beaten into me when I was a little kid. After your mother has beaten you to a pulp and then comes to tell you how much she loves you, you tend not to believe it and when it happens over and over again you believe it even less.
Cynical people seem to have a lack of trust in anything anyone says and want to see proof. They've been lied to so many times that they believe in little but themselves. Yes, I'm cynical and quite sarcastic at times.
It seems to me that few people have any integrity or reliability. Most people tell you what they think you want to hear with no actual intention of carrying out what they told you. Lol, if you think that's cynical you might be right. It drives me absolutely crazy when someone tells me they will call me at 9 and then don't do it. Particularly when it's my GF.
It's gotten so bad that I only allow people in my private reality who are honest, trustworthy, reliable, loyal and who do what they say they will do. Anything else isn't worthy of my time, no matter who they are or what I think of them.
You see, calling when you say is part of being reliable, doing what you said is part of being reliable, being honest with me is part of being reliable, not playing games is part of being reliable. If I can't rely on people for a small thing how can I ever rely on them for bigger things. You trust people with small things first and then the things you trust them with get bigger and if they don't screw that up they get bigger still but they all start at the very bottom with very small things.
Lol, I have a history of sarcastic comments and that comes when people aren't reliable or don't do what they say often enough. My favorite is 'Whatever' and I can say it with a ton of different inflections. 'Yeah, right' is another I use frequently when dealing with unreliable people.
Most people don't get my sense of humor because it tends to be sarcastic jokes and remarks and quite cynical at times. I even keep a list of cynical love quotes on my PC just because I like them and now and then I use one of them. Mean rude sarcastic quotes are another thing I collect. It's an old girlfriends birthday in April and if I can find some sarcastic free ecards I'm going to send her the best one, or the worst one depending on your point of view.
There are nice guys cynical bitter and impatient and most days I'm one of them. However other people don' see me as nice when I call them on their lack of integrity or reliability in a cynical or sarcastic manner.
Some people told me years ago I should start my own forum for cynical people so I did. It's just my take on cu rent events, stupidity and other things that bug me. It's about Cynical people capable of thinking for themselves and having intelligent opinions and I even go off on a rant now and then. Wow, imagine that.
So did being an abused child cause me to become so cynical or was it something else. Personally I think it was the abuse. OTOH I also come from a long line of cynical and sarcastic people. However they were all abused too so I don't know.
Actions speak louder than words. I'm sure you've heard it a thousand times before. I'm also pretty sure most people ignore actions and keep on believing words. I seldom believe words any more, just actions. If your words and your actions match up we can be friends, if the don't we can't.
Words and actions not matching tends to make me more than a little sarcastic and cynical
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Running away, killing ones self and Runaway Love
As I said yesterday, it gets worse. I have a brief interlude here that's related but the first time I heard Runaway Love by Ludicrous and Mary J. Blige I almost cried. If you haven't heard it or seen it you can see it at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJWtR2KlMwg and I would recommend you watch it and listen to it a few times.
That video could be the story of my life except I'm a guy and my abuse started much earlier than that. I'm sure the girls abuse started when they were born too. Yes, I'm getting to the point of all of this.
The first time I ran away from home I was four years old. Imagine that, a four year old running away from home for real. It wasn't like the shows where the kid can't leave because he can't cross the street or his mother refuses to pack a lunch so he doesn't leave. I ran away and my mother couldn't find me for hours and hours. Of course at four I couldn't fomulate a very good plan so I ran away to my grandmothers house which was about 8 blocks from where I lived.
In retrospect not a good plan but hey, I was four and I did have the balls to leave home and try to find a better place for me. Eventually my parents tracked me down, came and got me, took me home and beat the hell out of me until they got tired of it. That was how life was for me. While my maternal grandmother cared about me she and my grandfather just kept letting the abuse happen. Yep, I've probably been depressed all of my life.
After thinking about my unsuccessful attempt to runaway from home I came to the conclusion that the only way to make things better for myself was to die. So naturally I tried to commit suicide a couple of times. Obviously I wasn't successful or I wouldn't be writing this. The bad thing is I still which I had been successful.
It's kind of embarrasing for me to be writing this stuff as most of the people in my life don't know any of these things happened to me. I also never knew that my life was that much diffeent from any other kids lives. I didn't know there were good parents in the world or that there were kids who weren't abused. Except for one of my cousins I was close to. I always wished I had her parents but her parents and mine hung out together as our two dads were related. I'm not so sure now that her life was that great either but she didn't get the beatings I got so it made it look better to me.
When I was around 40 or so one of my wifes friends was at our house and she was talking about how the social services had taken her neighbors kids away from her for abuse. She was telling me that the parent had left them alone overnight and someone had turned her in. Now her kids were fed well, dressed well, not beaten or anything like that and in my mind an 11 and 9 year old were old enough to be alone over night.
She went on and on about how bad it was that the mother had left them overnight and I finally snapped on her and told her she didn't know what the hell she was talking about or even what the hell abuse was. I asked her if she'd been an abused child and she said no, that she didn't even know anyone who had been badly abused. I said sure you do, you know me.
She said what abuse, you got spanked now and then or what. Now I not only snapped but I really went off on her with a major rant. When I finally stopped yelling she asked me how I was abused so I told her a very little of it but included the running away and the trying to commit suicide at the age of four. Much to my disbelief and amazement she started crying and so did my wife. I truly didn't understand why they were crying so I asked.
We talked about it for awhile and I tried to explain that I'd never talked about it because I had assumed every kids life was like that and that it was what I knew and what I had lived thru so it was normal for me. It was the only explanation I could come up with and when she asked me if I still thought it was normal I said yes.
Then she asked me, if I read about a four year old running away and trying to commit suicide, in the paper or saw a tv story about it would I think it ws normal and I said no. That's the first time in my life I realized how abused I was and how bad it really was. Here I am a 40 year old man thinking my running away and trying to kill myself was normal for that age.
I know better now and I will talk more openly about all of the abuse that happened to me but there are still things no one else knows and I'll eventually put them on here, someday. when I get brave enough. I know it wasn't my fault I was abused and I know the responsibilty wasn't mine. I KNOW THAT yet it still feels weird to talk about any of it.
So yes, I now know that I have been depressed all of my life and to this day I don't give a damn if I live or die. It just doesn't matter to me in any way, shape or form.
That video could be the story of my life except I'm a guy and my abuse started much earlier than that. I'm sure the girls abuse started when they were born too. Yes, I'm getting to the point of all of this.
The first time I ran away from home I was four years old. Imagine that, a four year old running away from home for real. It wasn't like the shows where the kid can't leave because he can't cross the street or his mother refuses to pack a lunch so he doesn't leave. I ran away and my mother couldn't find me for hours and hours. Of course at four I couldn't fomulate a very good plan so I ran away to my grandmothers house which was about 8 blocks from where I lived.
In retrospect not a good plan but hey, I was four and I did have the balls to leave home and try to find a better place for me. Eventually my parents tracked me down, came and got me, took me home and beat the hell out of me until they got tired of it. That was how life was for me. While my maternal grandmother cared about me she and my grandfather just kept letting the abuse happen. Yep, I've probably been depressed all of my life.
After thinking about my unsuccessful attempt to runaway from home I came to the conclusion that the only way to make things better for myself was to die. So naturally I tried to commit suicide a couple of times. Obviously I wasn't successful or I wouldn't be writing this. The bad thing is I still which I had been successful.
It's kind of embarrasing for me to be writing this stuff as most of the people in my life don't know any of these things happened to me. I also never knew that my life was that much diffeent from any other kids lives. I didn't know there were good parents in the world or that there were kids who weren't abused. Except for one of my cousins I was close to. I always wished I had her parents but her parents and mine hung out together as our two dads were related. I'm not so sure now that her life was that great either but she didn't get the beatings I got so it made it look better to me.
When I was around 40 or so one of my wifes friends was at our house and she was talking about how the social services had taken her neighbors kids away from her for abuse. She was telling me that the parent had left them alone overnight and someone had turned her in. Now her kids were fed well, dressed well, not beaten or anything like that and in my mind an 11 and 9 year old were old enough to be alone over night.
She went on and on about how bad it was that the mother had left them overnight and I finally snapped on her and told her she didn't know what the hell she was talking about or even what the hell abuse was. I asked her if she'd been an abused child and she said no, that she didn't even know anyone who had been badly abused. I said sure you do, you know me.
She said what abuse, you got spanked now and then or what. Now I not only snapped but I really went off on her with a major rant. When I finally stopped yelling she asked me how I was abused so I told her a very little of it but included the running away and the trying to commit suicide at the age of four. Much to my disbelief and amazement she started crying and so did my wife. I truly didn't understand why they were crying so I asked.
We talked about it for awhile and I tried to explain that I'd never talked about it because I had assumed every kids life was like that and that it was what I knew and what I had lived thru so it was normal for me. It was the only explanation I could come up with and when she asked me if I still thought it was normal I said yes.
Then she asked me, if I read about a four year old running away and trying to commit suicide, in the paper or saw a tv story about it would I think it ws normal and I said no. That's the first time in my life I realized how abused I was and how bad it really was. Here I am a 40 year old man thinking my running away and trying to kill myself was normal for that age.
I know better now and I will talk more openly about all of the abuse that happened to me but there are still things no one else knows and I'll eventually put them on here, someday. when I get brave enough. I know it wasn't my fault I was abused and I know the responsibilty wasn't mine. I KNOW THAT yet it still feels weird to talk about any of it.
So yes, I now know that I have been depressed all of my life and to this day I don't give a damn if I live or die. It just doesn't matter to me in any way, shape or form.
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