Are you successful or a failure?

The anonymous comment to the last post has made me think a bit more than usual. Nothing unusual there tho as I think to much anyway. But I wonder, do you think you are a success or do you think you are a failure?

I'm going to get a bit ahead of myself here as far as chronology goes but not to bad. If you've read any of this you know I started with nothing. Not even wanted by my mother so actually less than nothing.

I've been hungry, didn't eat for a week and others times for several days at a time. I've been completely homeless with no place to live and several times all I've had were the clothes on my back.

Did I consider myself a failure even then? Not a chance in hell. I may have been at the bottom but I knew I wouldn't be on the bottom forever. There is one thing I have faith in and that's myself.

While I wasn't homeless and hungry by choice, things that weren't in my control happened. However in another way it was by choice because there were people who would have taken me in, fed me and given me a place to live if I had asked.

Letting them do that for me would have made me feel like a failure. I have always been to damn stubborn and independent to ask others for help. I've taken care of myself since before I can remember. I rely totally on myself as I'm the only person I trust 100%. Perhaps this is one of the reasons I can't or won't deal with people who are unreliable.

Lol, so that statement is going to lead me to relationships eventually. Before that tho I want you to know that I have had 4 successful businesses. Success being I made money at all of them.

The best part of it is I was successful in 4 different areas. I owned a construction business, new homes and remodeling. I owned a restaurant and I'll never own another one. That was as close to failure as I've come in any business. I owned a highly successful manufacturing company that I started after I'd gotten laid of from a job I'd had for 12 years or so. Then I owned a successful Internet business.

I'm in the process of starting a different Internet business because I got bored with the old one. Hired some people to run it and they pretty much made a mess of it. See, that's what happens when you rely on others. I needed a new challenge and this new biz is it.

I expect the one I'm starting now will be even more successful than the last one. Why? Because I've spent the last year reading, studying and learning. Same as I did before I started my previous net biz.

I didn't know how to write html, I barely knew any marketing, nothing about search engines or much of anything else I needed to be a success on the net. I taught myself everything I know with free tutorials I found on the net.

MOF I also worked a full time job while I was teaching myself. I hate working for other people and I have one hell of a fear of failure. Combine that with being intelligent, stubborn and independent and there is no way I can fail. Not one. No chance. It's not an option. Never has been and never will be.

Relationships are another story. I don't even begin to know how to define success in that area. What I do know about me is that after the newness wears off I haven't been truly happy in any of them. Hmmm, just a thought but perhaps I've set my standards for a woman so high so I won't find one and thus can't fail.

OTOH I don't know how to define happiness either. I'm not sure I even know what it is, let alone how to be it.

However I haven't failed at happiness or relationships yet. How can I say that? Because I haven't given up yet. I've learned from each relationship, I've learned from sadness and depression and I've read and studied both relationships and happiness.

Besides, you can't fail until you give up. I didn't make it this far to fail at two of the most important things in life. Now I admittedly started out at less than Zero in those two areas but I'm learning and I may have learned enough to be slightly above Zero now.

Like everything else I've done in my life I expect to be successful at those two also. Like with everything else I'm to damn stubborn to give up. You absolutely can not fail until you give up or quit.

Giving up and quitting on myself are two things I just don't do. They are both choices and those very same choices can be made by anyone.

From where I started to where I am now is one hell of a long way. If I could do it so can you. So what's your choice? Be successful or a failure.

Women and relationships are also depressing.

Somewhere there's a beautiful woman with a man who is tired of sleeping with her. It really amused me when I read that yesterday. Kinda like that old song Never make a pretty woman your wife.

I've been out with a lot of beautiful women, even more average women and, yes, naturally a few ugly ones too. When I show people pictures of the chick I had my last real relationship with they tell me I must have been crazy to have dumped her.

She was model pretty. 6 feet tall, slim and gorgeous. Smart, quick and everything I wanted except for reliable. Oh, yeah, she sucked in bed and by that I don't mean gave good head. She was just plain not that good.

Lol, no, it wasn't my fault. She always got multiple orgasms because I just love eating some of that good snatch. She thought she deserved them and I agreed but silly me for thinking she should put any effort into it.

I mean, why should she? She's hot and guys are always after her so she always thought she didn't need to make it good. That line really reminded me of her. Had she been better in bed I might have overlooked some of the unreliable and still be there.

Beautiful women, in my experience, are a pita. Not all of them but most of them I've been with expect everything and give little. Not a major problem but damn you can't lie too. I can live with high maintenance but I can't live with people I can't rely on or people who lie to me more than twice.

Yep, it got to the point where no matter how beautiful she was I got tired of sleeping with her and putting up with her. I think it must have been the first time someone dumped her. Anyway she was freaked.

The last half night we spent together we were to the point she was supposed to be getting me off and she was more irritating than she was making it good. To the point I told her to stop and I got up and got dressed. She wanted to know where I was going and I told her back home as we were in a motel at the town her father lived. She was there to visit him.

She wanted to know what about her and I told her to call her father in the morning and have him come get her because I wasn't coming back. Then I left. Lol, she called 20 times in 60 miles and left a long nasty message.

I collected all her junk from my house and dropped it off at her sisters about 2 hours after I got home. Never slept with her again, never went out with her again and after we got done fighting I never talked to her again.

Not for 6 months anyway. Then she called me up all nice and apologized and swore she'd be different. So like a dumbass I let her move back in. First three days were great, next to she was back to her old self and the last two she was worse.

Sure reminded me quick why I left her before. This time I was a little nicer, I talked to her, we fought and I told her to never come back or call me again. Then I had to block her email and her phone number. Then I had to let my voice mail fill up.

She finally got the hint and stopped. She doesn't know that when she stopped I deleted all of her voice messages and never listened to them. Last I heard of her she was still bitching that I dumped her twice.

I went out with a lot of different chicks after that, most normal looking or average looking. Then I got involved with another really hot chick. Lol, I learned so much from the one I dumped that this new one didn't last 10 days and we never did live together.

What's depressing about all of this is I still care so damn much about her after all this time. It was a choice I made, twice, and I don't want to go thru it all again but damn I miss her. However I can't have a relationship with anyone I can't trust to do what they say or be honest and reliable. Not matter how beautiful they are.

What I don't get is why she didn't understand that if she didn't change and stay that way I wasn't going to stay. After all we talked about it and after I left her the first time she still didn't get the fact that I meant what I said.

Depressing.

Stressed and depressed after moving to MN

The bitch who gave birth to me got married to my stepfather somewhere. Don't exactly know where and for sure don't care. I didn't like it and her and my sister may have needed someone to take care of them but I sure as hell didn't.

That attitude has prevailed all of my life. I don't ask for help, I don't need anyone and until recently I didn't really want anyone. I never let myself get close to people, I don't trust people and the only emotion I ever showed was anger or irritation. All they ever did was let me down and hurt me. With the exception of my paternal grandmother.

This attitude worked for me all of my life. It doesn't work for anyone else tho. Others I know have tried to be like me and they couldn't because they all had emotions they couldn't control. How I am worked pretty well for me. Heh, if you leave out the relationship part.

I was quite fine until Pattie made me fall in love with her. Damn woman caused emotions in me I never even knew existed anymore. I suppose she's the reason this blog exists. The only thing I know for sure is I don't know how to deal with emotions and all that comes with them. Never had to learn and suppressing them all was easier. I suspect if I hadn't I'd been dead long ago.

Emotions suck!

After they got married we moved to my step fathers hometown in Mn. It wasn't a bad place, smallish and cliqueish but not to bad. All of his relatives seemed to like me but I didn't like any of them. By then I was ten or so and they were just to normal. I smoked and drank and they were all Catholic goody two shoes types.

My stepfather worked for his brother as a meat cutter and I had to come to the store and work a couple of hours everyday. I still remember cleaning up the butcher shop part, saws, grinders, etc and making ground beef and bagging potatoes into 10 pound bags.

It didn't take me long to start hanging out with the worst kids in town. Funny but the police chiefs son and a preachers son were the two worst. Then came me. ;) You can sure get into a lot of trouble hanging out with a cops kid and a preachers kid.

I was behind in school because back then Iowa was about a year behind Mn. Took me all of two weeks to catch up and another week to pass everyone in my grade. Once again school recommended I skip a grade and once again my mother said no. So school was boring, again.

So we were all moved, I had new friends and nothing had really changed except locations. Well, almost nothing. My mother was more free to hit me and beat me and she did. My stepfather used his fists on me and kicked me but not nearly so often as my mother. He also didn't allow her to get as carried away beating me as she did before.

Lol, after they got married he also stopped giving me money. After a couple of weeks of living with him I learned that money, to him, was measured by the amount of dime glasses of beer he could buy. Yeah, you could get nickle and dime glasses of beer back then.

Every now and then he'd feel guilty and try to do something I liked or enjoyed but he was so inept and most outdoors things it wasn't even fun. The only thing we both liked was shooting the .22s on one of his relatives farms.

So life went on.