More depressed than ever

Well, not quite that depressed but more than has been the norm lately. I've been sick for the last two weeks. Nothing serious, just some damn bug going around. Getting sick in anyway makes my life miserable due to the severe COPD.

Lol, not feeling sorry for myself tho. I'm about 95% sure I'm the one who caused the COPD by smoking for 53 years. OTOH I did get into some asbestos about 41 years ago and did have to go to the emergency room that night.

If you smoke you're stupid. So that makes me stupid as I still smoke. Yes, I've tried to quit and have bever been able to make it for long. Yes, I'll try again. Oh well, I'm glad the stress of the holidays is over so I can focus on quitting again.

Tha's if the damn stress ever stops. My car needs a new cv joing and the hard drive on my PC is failing. Lol, just my two biggest needs. PC is the most interesting of the two.

I've never changed out a HD in a notebook PC before. NBD after I looked into it but now I can't get the two little damn screws out that hold the old hard drive to the support. Sheesh! Always some little thing to make life harder. Heh, I suppose after I get it out, even tho I imaged the drive and backed it up on my other drive, and pout the new one in something will go wrong. If it does I'm just going to go buy a new version of windows XP Pro and be done with it.

Some days life sucks.

Do people who believe in God get depressed more or less

It's a holiday so time for some pseudo frivolity. At the very least, my version of what's amusing and my sense of humor, such as it is. I'd be one hell of a radio talk show host.

So I heard on TV today that parents teach their kids all kinds of things that aren't true and have them believe in all kinds of things that aren't true.

They tell you wonderful things about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, Elves, 4 leaf clovers and, gasp, God and other assorted foolishness. They actually make you believe that they believe.

Furthermore Christmas and the Easter Bunny are PAGAN symbols from way, way back in the day. Sorry if I offend any Christians. Well, no, I'm not. If you don't know enough about your religion to know these things aren't you a lot like the children you teach about Santa, Easter Bunny, etc.

Now how much do you think your kid is going to trust what you say after they discover that you have lied about every, and I mean every, belief that was important to them. Do you remember how absolutely crushed your kids were when they found out the truth?

So now they have no Santa, no Easter Bunny, no tooth fairy, etc. BTW, when they figure out one doesn't exist the soon figure out you lied about the others too. Lol, how to win friends and get your kids to trust you. Lie to them from the day they are born.

So if none of the things you have taught them to believe in really exist how can they believe that God exists either? Heh, God should be the least believable because it's put across with the least conviction.

Hmmm, I guess this means if you are a Christian you are better about lying to your kids about fantasies than you are telling the truth about what you believe to be real. Still, it does make me wonder why kids still believe.

What do I believe in? ME. Just me and a thing called cosmic consciousness as put forth by the Rosicrucian's a few thousand years ago and sold as 'The Secret' now days. It's even talked about in the Bible. No, I don't believe in a God.

Ready for a laugh? I am an ordained minister. Oh, sorry, you probably don't see the humor in it. Lol, you wouldn't understand why I started one of my corporations on April 1, either. Whatever.

Do I absolutely believe in the rule of my church. Certainly do, it's why I joined. The major thing is 'Do the right thing'. I believe in that anyway so why not. That's the absolute truth too. What I found amusing on their website(ULC) was the fact that under the 'Do the right thing' was a legal disclaimer about how you shouldn't do anything illegal.

See what happens when lawyers get involved. Things go from simple to very complicated. It's also why we are denied one of our rights granted by the constitution. If you really want to know look up the history of 'jury nullification'. However that's a total different rant.

Anyway, everyone pretty much knows what the right thing is. Of course, unless you are a sociopath, you do, along with a few other rare exceptions, like insane. Now how could illegal and right not be the same thing. Uh. Duh. Was it legal to hide Jewish people from the Nazi's? Just because something is a law doesn't make it right. Sheesh. That should just flat out go without expectation.

So the legal disclaimer at the bottom of the page. BTW, I'm not advocating that you break any laws. Lol, just because I violate a few for the betterment of some doesn't mean you should run right out and do it. Breaking the law will get you in trouble, no matter what the reason.

Lol, that's why we have laws. Just ask any woman who has an order of protection out against a ex, or soon to be ex, who beat and battered her. Our laws work just fine at all times. So remember, don't break the law, just do the right thing.

Now I haven't bothered to look up the question I had at the top because I don't really care about the answer. I suspect they get depressed less often than people who are agnostic or atheist. Agnostics and atheists have no one to blame for their problems but themselves. Thats a bummer for them but in almost all religions you get to blame your God for all of your problems.

Heh, I read somewhere that if religion didn't exist man would create it just to have someone else to blame. ROTF, just ask L Ron Hubbard.

The Christian version of the bible say God is part of all of us and if that's true then why is there so much disrespect of other people religious choices. All of those people have the same God in them, don't they?

If you are a religious person and believe in the bible I guess my question is how can you believe in a God you disrespect so much? If you truly believe your religion you would always do the right thing and religion wouldn't even come into it. Nor race, nor region nor any freaking thing at all.

So many, way to many of you, lack tolerance of those who don't believe the same things you do or come from the same place you do. Yet you believe the bible to be the truth yet you can not tolerate your god being in anyone who doesn't believe as you do. Yes, I find this hilarious. It's about as funny as Santa and the Easter Bunny.

So it wasn't funny. Was kinda depressing tho.

Yes, you are the one who teaches your children.

Perhaps you should be more careful with what you teach them.

Try doing the 'right thing' once in your life.

Sociopath, me? Nah, could never happen, to depressed.

I was going to put at reply to the comment on my last post but this will be even better as it gives me more room. Heh, a court appointed shrink once told the judge I had sociopathic tendencies but I wasn't a sociopath.

Lol, I also have a certificate somewhere that says I'm sane. Yeah, ya have to get committed to the funny farm to get one of those. 30 days for observation. Great story there but that's another 12 years in the future too.

Heh, I'm probably one of few people that has legal testimony as proof to not being sociopathic or insane.

Dangerous is a bit of a different story. Back when I was younger until I turned 40 or so I was quite dangerous and bad tempered. I thought I was 6 ft 2 inches and 225 pounds instead of my 5 foot 7 and 160 pounds and I acted as if I owned the world.

In my defense I will say that I seldom started a fight but I sure finished a lot of them. However it didn't take to much of an insult to get me to fight back then. I didn't care if there was one or five, I'd fight. I haven't been in a fight for 8 years now. At least not physically.

Believe it or not most people think of me as intimidating. Enough people have told me that so often that I believe other people see me that way but I don't understand why. I still hear it and I'm down to 5 ft 6 and i/2 inches and 112 pounds. Damn emphysema.

The shrink who said I wasn't a sociopath but had some tendencies just didn't get it. Lol, not all shrinks are created equal. He couldn't understand why I thought it was okay to hurt people who hurt me. He didn't get it that if you physically hurt my sister I was going to kick some serious ass. He didn't get it that if you hurt my girlfriend I was going to kick some serious ass. He didn't get it that if you called them bad names I was going to kick some ass.

Hit a woman in front of me I'm going to hurt you, hit a child in front of me I'm going to hurt you. Rape my wife, sister, daughter or girlfriend I'm going to hunt you down and save the state some money. Molest my grandchildren or my girlfriends kids I'm going to hunt you down.

Those things haven't changed since I talked to that shrink. They won't change until after I'm dead and not then if I can help it. Yeah, I was dangerous big time back then. Still a bit dangerous now but freaking emphysema pretty much put an end to fighting. Now it's got to be over in 45 seconds max or I'm screwed. ;)


I also discovered it's much more fun to use your mind instead of your physical body. No, not hacking or identity theft or any of that crap. Just plain old manipulation and knowing peoples tendencies.

Example. Two years ago I manipulated a guy into jail by using his own tendencies against him. His wife had let me know he was hitting her and his twin daughters again. I'd stopped it 15 years earlier by beating him severely and telling him the next time would be worse.

She wanted a divorce too but was afraid to get it or file the papers. I had her go to court and get a restraining order as I knew he'd fight it. While they were both in court she had him served with divorce papers in the court room right after she got the restraining order.

The restraining order was issued by a judge who didn't put up with any knd of BS in that regard. I knew the guy would do nothing in court, I knew he wouldn't do anything while he was escorted to get his personal things from their house. I knew he would go get drunk and show up at the house after he did, thus violating the restraining order.

About 1:30 in the morning he showed up at their house and wanted in. So my friend unlocked the door and when she did he shoved it open and hit her. The she nailed him with the stun gun I gave her and it was all over with. Except for the fact that I had to stop her from using the stun gun after the first couple of times, all went as planned. Yes, I was there to protect her if things didn't go as planned.

The cops arrested him for assault and battery, resisting arrest, violating the restraining order and a few other minor charges. The judge sentenced him to 6 months in jail. He lost his job and life as he knew it changed greatly, my friend and her daughters moved to another city where they are safe and as far as I know he hasn't found them yet.

Now that was more fun and more satisfying than a physical fight. I never, ever believed in getting even either. I believed in getting ahead. Way ahead. I believed the way to keep people from hurting you was to hurt them so bad the first time they did it so that they'd never think of messing with me or mine again.

Lol, one shrink told me I had an inappropriate response mechanism. So I had to ask what he meant. He said if someone hits you instead of hitting back you just nuke them. I said yep, keeps them from doing it again, ain't that the whole idea of a fight. In the circles I was hanging out in at the time it was the only way to survive.

Never a sociopath tho as I had feelings. I managed to suppress them quite well, from the time my mother beat me until I stopped crying, until I met one girl who reawakened feelings I'd forgotten I could have. I was pretty well successful at keeping them at bay for damn near 50 years.

She and I broke up 17 months ago and I'm just barely back to being able to suppress most of them most of the time. Damn woman made me fall in love, want to have a child with her and made me care about myself and the future.


My depression is getting better and I'm getting back to my tough minded self again. Getting all that stuff back in the boxes it was hidden away in, in my mind, was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. Keeping it stuffed in them is also harder than it used to be.

So, no, not near as dangerous as I used to be but don't try to rob me or car jack me and when I hit the nursing home don't try taking my wheelchair either. I'll always be badass enough that those things aren't going to happen without someone getting seriously hurt and I don't expect it to be me.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, but do it twice as much. While I no longer believe violence is the way to solve problems, I do understand that there are people who only understand violence. I do understand that there are some truly bad or evil people in the world.

Yeah, I know, I should go talk to someone about all of this crap I suppressed but at a couple of hours a week it would take forever and cost a damn fortune. Few shrinks I've met that were smart enough to be able to help me and none I trusted enough to talk to, at least not seriously. Heh, writing this blog is enough talking to make me realize a lot of different things.

So, nope, not a sociopath and not a danger to normal people. I've done a lot of stupid things but hurting innocent people was never one of them. All of this will become more clear as I continue to age in my life story. Sheesh, at least I hope it will. ;)

Stealing, gambling, an adrenaline rush and not depressed

You've probably figured out that I loved to gamble. Considering I've told you I hustled pool, bowling, pinball and everything else I was great at. Even chess for drinks later on in life. Cards, pitching quarters, anything. As long as could gamble on it I would.

Almost always won. Stealing money and shoplifting gave me the same rush gambling did. Probably even more as the penalty for getting caught was going to be a lot more severe than losing a little money.

I watched the mangers office at the bus depot for another chance and sure enough it came along. So I snuck into the office again and went thru everything making sure I'd missed nothing before.

After I made sure I went and checked the filing cabinet. EUREKA. The filing cabinet drawers were filled with money. Pennies in one drawer, nickles in another all the way up to 100 dollar bills in the bottom drawer.

Now I had one hell of a dilemma. What did I dare take and how much? All that money for the taking freaked me out but I was smart enough to know that stealing a small amount was going to be a test to see if anyone noticed.

If I'd stolen a large amount it would have been noticed right away and with a possibility I might get caught. Obviously, to me anyway, I'd be both a prime suspect and questioned as a witness as to whether I saw anyone going in or out of the office.

So I played it smart. I took a roll of dimes, quarters and half dollars. Just taking one roll from each drawer could have been excused as a miscount of the money.

It was. I watched that place for a couple of weeks and never heard a peep about the missing money. Next time I needed to pay my paper bill I stole a bank bundle of ones from the filing cabinet.

I hated that paper route and I hated collecting. Some people were always bitchy about paying their bill. Besides, by stealing the money to pay my paper bill it was like I had money in the bank because people owed me for their papers.

I never collected from anyone for a few weeks and then someone called in and bitched I hadn't been by to collect. So I got chewed up for not keeping up on my collections. Lol, you'd think people would have been happy not to have to pay their bill. You can tell that was a long time ago. Doubt it would happen now.

I never heard anything about stealing the ones either so once I took a pack of fives and a pack of tens. Funny but that got by too. Don't know why it did or what the bus depot owner was into but never heard a word about that either.

No traps were ever set to catch me nor was I watched anymore than usual. Nor was the office locked anymore often than it ever was. So I was getting away with it. Continued to for quite a long time. I also discovered that stealing twenty dollar bills had a problem I never considered. I had to much to figure out to be depressed.

Writing about depression is depressing

Somedays it's really depressing to come here and write about being depressed all of my life. I don't like it and I don't always want to do it but I manage to on most days.

People have told me all of my life that I should write my life story. I could never understand why, still don't, but that's what this is going to be in the end. I know I'm missing things and I know I get tired of repeating things.

The abuse happened on a daily basis but I don't want to write about every little or big piece of abuse that happened. It's boring and depressing at the same time. It was just normal to me. Not as bad as some peoples and worse than others.

I was frequently beaten with belts, sticks, switches, ping pong paddles, coat hangers, hands, fists, feet etc. What ever was handy at the time. I was burned once that I can remember.

Verbally I was called names, humiliated in front of others, belittled, made fun of and every other way you can verbally abuse a person. I was screamed at frequently. Mostly by my mother.

I can't even begin to describe how it made me feel and I won't bother to try. I've said before I'm seriously understated and you'll just have to fill in the blanks as best you can. I will say that if you imagine the worst you'll probably be close.

Thinking about it and writing about it makes me sad. Depressed and very, very sad. It also gives me headaches now and then. My life is going to get better as I get older but it's also going to get worse as I get older in this retelling.

Parts of it will even seem normal but for the most part I was trying to be normal and fit in. IOW it was an act and I could never keep it up for a sustained period of time. Altho at one point I did manage 13 yrs of semi normality.

Then there's the INTJ personality thing. Then there's my ADD but I managed to turn that into an asset as I got older. Throw some serious anger into the mix and some serious depression and a huge need for adrenaline and voila, you get me.

So my life has been a big mess most of the time. Still is but I can live with that too because that's how it's always been.

My paper route and other jobs in Fairmont

I hated my paper route. I always wanted one where I could drive but for some reason they don't hand out licenses to kids who can't see over the steering wheel.

People were always pissed off at me on the last half of my route because when I delivered the paper to the bowling alley I'd always play the pinball machines. I'd get so wrapped up in it I'd forget the time. It was a nickle a day because I was good enough to win free games and could play forever. Lol, I used to sell my games to other kids 3 for a dime. I guess I've always been an entrepreneur at heart.

Fact is I really hate to work for other people. Always have and always will. You bust your ass for someone else and get paid a bit but the boss takes the big money home, not you or me. I've had 3 successful off net businesses and one on the net. Problem is if I maintain focus long enough to be successful I get bored and need a new challenge.

I also learned to bowl in Fairmont. It got so bad that if customers called my house to complain about the paper being late my stepfather would come to the bowling alley and get me. We'd throw my bike in the trunk and he'd drive me on the rest of the route. then we'd stop at a bar and he'd have a couple of beers and go home.

I suspect that's the only reason he didn't beat me for not finishing my route on time was the fact he'd get away from my mother and have a few beers. Naturally I kept it a secret. Lol, why wouldn't I? That little ploy worked well for a very long time.

I also worked at the refreshment stand where they cut the hook out of my ear. I'd get paid a dollar for working four or five hours per day a couple of days a week in the summer time. I also managed to steal 50 cents a day when I worked there. Never got caught at that one either.

It was an interesting job and the adults treated me nicely. To bad I wasn't interested in girls yet or it would have been the perfect summer job. The way it was I used the money I made there to finance my new addiction to bowling.

By the time I was 17 I had a 191 average in one adult league and a 189 in the other. As I got older I made more than a few bucks hustling both pool and bowling. I got much better at pool when we moved to a different town but that's a few years in the future.

I also washed dishes at the restaurant across the street from where we lived. Some relative of Murphys managed it and would call me to come over and help with dishes when they got extra busy. Another job I hated. Hot, wet and never ending. It was there I discovered what pigs people really were.

I also shoveled snow and mowed way more than my share of grass. I always had money and other kids were jealous. Between the jobs, stealing from others and from Murphy and my mother I had enough to buy cigarettes, beer and pretty much whatever else I needed. Even got a fly rod eventually and other fishing equip.

So I was depressed because I couldn't see my grandmother or my father, I was still getting beaten but in my world these were normal things so the money made life good. At least as good as it could be under the circumstances.

Getting depressed because I thought I'd never find a relationship

I've been looking for a nice female for a great relationship for a long time. A little over 3 years now. Twice I thought I had found the right woman and both times it turns out they didn't meet my minimum standards.

My minimums aren't that tough, not over weight by to much, intelligent, honest, reliable, does what she says she will do. Now my ideal and/or perfect woman description can be found here. What I want in a woman or girl for a dating or lifetime relationship but I don't expect to find anyone who meets all of the things I want. This would be my PERFECT WOMAN and I doubt she exists.

I also have plenty of ideas how I'd like my perfect relationship to be. However like my perfect woman is what I'd love to have but not so much what I expect to end up with. We all know nothing is perfect but at least I know what I will accept in a woman and in a relationship.

That puts me far ahead of most people who will accept the first woman who comes along and likes them. Been there, done that, didn't work very well. You can read about that here. My idea of a perfect relationship with my perfect woman .

So at my age of 60 I was beginning to lose hope about finding a woman or relationship I want. Day before yesterday I regained all of my hope.

An old guy of 68 came into the motel office to check out. Dressed shabbily, no teeth and driving a late 80's or early 90's slightly rusty Oldsmobile or Pontiac. In the back seat was a pretty young woman and two little girls in car seats.

The woman turned out to be 34 years old and the girls turned out to be twins. I thought perhaps it was his daughter and grand daughters but I was wrong. She was his wife and the kids were his.

There's still hope for me. ;)

Not to depressed in MN but still a lot of stress

We lived in two different house in Fairmont and I only remember the last one. No memory at all of the first one we lived in. Kinda tells me nothing unusual happened there but we didn't live there very long either.

My mother still beat me and my stepfather occasionally used his fists on me but I was used to it so it wasn't anything new or memorable. If something happens often enough it becomes normal, even if it shouldn't.

The uncle that molested me for years showed up at my school one day and wanted me to go with him after school got out. The school yard was fenced and he was on the other side of the fence. I told him to go away or I was going to tell the teacher he was bothering me then I walked away from the fence.

He left but I was scared and stressed out about it for weeks after that. No one believed me before or did anything about it and I still wasn't big enough to put a stop to it. I would be one day but not yet.

My mother and my stepfather fought a lot but to my knowledge he never hit her like my father did. It was almost constant arguing and raised voices. I always wondered why they got married to begin with.

Once, on a trip to my aunt and uncles in Mason City, Iowa, they argued for most of the way. I finally got tired of being quiet and said something to them about it. My mother hit me and told me if I didn't shut up about it they were going to throw me out of the car.

I told them go ahead I'd rather walk than listen to them all the time. So they dumped me out of the car 15 miles from where we were going. When they drove off I hurried up and got away from the area so if they came back they couldn't find me.

They didn't find me either. I watched them driving around looking for me and then headed for my uncles house. I knew how to get there so it wasn't a big problem for me. I wasn't even stressed about it but relieved to be out of the car with all the arguing going on.

I finally got a ride to Mason City and beat them to my uncles house by about an hour. Got one hell of a beating for not staying where they dumped me out. Do I think they were worried about me? Not even a little bit. I think they were more worried about what would happen if I went to the police station and told the cops what they did.

It's not something they ever did again so in the end I won that round. I never worried about being dumped out again because I knew I could handle it. I was stubborn as hell then and I still am today. I know that if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other I'll eventually get where I want to go.

Just the fact I was relieved to be thrown out of the car instead of scared or worried should give you a major idea of what kind of life I had then.

Wow, you don't suppose this is why I have some serious abandonment issues and major problems in that area of relationships. Sarcasm, in case you didn't get it.

I've spent my whole damn life trying to figure out why people do the things they do and trying to figure out myself. Every now and then I have some aha moments about me and it seems I should have figured out some of the things about me long ago but I didn't.

Getting a little late now but I'm still working on me and I'm making myself better day by day. It's a slow process but as stubborn as I am I'll get there if I keep trying.

I've lived my life on my terms since I was a kid and that will never stop. I recognize it's not always a good thing but I've seen nothing to make me want to change that part, yet.

Stressed and depressed after moving to MN

The bitch who gave birth to me got married to my stepfather somewhere. Don't exactly know where and for sure don't care. I didn't like it and her and my sister may have needed someone to take care of them but I sure as hell didn't.

That attitude has prevailed all of my life. I don't ask for help, I don't need anyone and until recently I didn't really want anyone. I never let myself get close to people, I don't trust people and the only emotion I ever showed was anger or irritation. All they ever did was let me down and hurt me. With the exception of my paternal grandmother.

This attitude worked for me all of my life. It doesn't work for anyone else tho. Others I know have tried to be like me and they couldn't because they all had emotions they couldn't control. How I am worked pretty well for me. Heh, if you leave out the relationship part.

I was quite fine until Pattie made me fall in love with her. Damn woman caused emotions in me I never even knew existed anymore. I suppose she's the reason this blog exists. The only thing I know for sure is I don't know how to deal with emotions and all that comes with them. Never had to learn and suppressing them all was easier. I suspect if I hadn't I'd been dead long ago.

Emotions suck!

After they got married we moved to my step fathers hometown in Mn. It wasn't a bad place, smallish and cliqueish but not to bad. All of his relatives seemed to like me but I didn't like any of them. By then I was ten or so and they were just to normal. I smoked and drank and they were all Catholic goody two shoes types.

My stepfather worked for his brother as a meat cutter and I had to come to the store and work a couple of hours everyday. I still remember cleaning up the butcher shop part, saws, grinders, etc and making ground beef and bagging potatoes into 10 pound bags.

It didn't take me long to start hanging out with the worst kids in town. Funny but the police chiefs son and a preachers son were the two worst. Then came me. ;) You can sure get into a lot of trouble hanging out with a cops kid and a preachers kid.

I was behind in school because back then Iowa was about a year behind Mn. Took me all of two weeks to catch up and another week to pass everyone in my grade. Once again school recommended I skip a grade and once again my mother said no. So school was boring, again.

So we were all moved, I had new friends and nothing had really changed except locations. Well, almost nothing. My mother was more free to hit me and beat me and she did. My stepfather used his fists on me and kicked me but not nearly so often as my mother. He also didn't allow her to get as carried away beating me as she did before.

Lol, after they got married he also stopped giving me money. After a couple of weeks of living with him I learned that money, to him, was measured by the amount of dime glasses of beer he could buy. Yeah, you could get nickle and dime glasses of beer back then.

Every now and then he'd feel guilty and try to do something I liked or enjoyed but he was so inept and most outdoors things it wasn't even fun. The only thing we both liked was shooting the .22s on one of his relatives farms.

So life went on.

Stressed, depressed and worse, lied to

While we lived in Sioux City my mother would occasionally be gone over night or even for the weekend. I didn't care and was mostly glad to see she was gone.

Turns out what she was really doing was going out with and stay with a guy. She finally brought him to Sioux City and introduced my sister and I to him. He struck out the first day I met him as he had beer on his breath.

He was also a suckup, giving me 50 cents or a dollar every time he came. I didn't like him or think much of him. He didn't play with us, wasn't particularly interested in me and basically he and my mother couldn't wait to leave.

My sister liked him a lot tho. Lol, stands to reason as she's the one who got all of the attention and all of the new stuff. I won't say I didn't like the money as it let me buy more of the chocolate donuts that I loved. I finally ate so many of the things I didn't crave them anymore.

I was stressed when he was around so I'd escape and run the streets as much as possible. He never raised his voice to me or hit me, I just didn't like him. Probably a big part of the reason was because he wasn't my dad.

He didn't know how to fish, hunt, roller skate or any of the other things I loved to do. Heh, just remembered but I used to fish for some of the bigger minnows in the creek we weren't supposed to play in. Had a long branch with some string tied on it and a hook at the end. I used bugs and worms for bait. It was fun but catching those big minnows was harder than I thought.

Just had a thought but here's something no one knows about me. Of track but...when I was a kid I used to read under the blankets with a flashlight or put my little lamp under the covers if my parents were home.

School was good, life wasn't to bad overall and I was more or less content. Then one night my mother woke me up and told me we were going to move back to MN and that she was going to marry the guy she'd been seeing. I found out later she'd been seeing him before she left my Dad.

I was pissed. Really pissed and scared. At least living with her parents I was a lot safer than being away from them. At least we weren't moving until school was out. My life didn't get better but it did get different.

Really depressed in Sioux City, Iowa

As I said before my father wanted me to stay and my mother forced me to leave with her and my sister. I did my best not to go with her but I was little and I lost the battle. So we moved to Sioux City, Iowa to live with my mothers parents.

They lived in a small 1 bedroom apt which was fine for them but when you added 3 more people it was almost as bad as living in the house behind my paternal grandmothers. The only thing that made it better was my grandparents had tv and an inside bathroom.

I have no idea how to describe the area in politcally correct terms but it was not an upscale area. West 8th and Perry is as close as I can remember. For me it was pretty much culture shock and way, way to many people.

I'd seldom been out of the area I was born in and have no real memories of traveling anywhere except to the lake and stopping at places that were near the lake. TV was something I'd seldom seen and people who were any color but white were totally new to me. I didn't even know they existed.

Several of the chicks I've dated have remarked that I'm one of the few people they know who just isn't much concerned about color. We've even had conversations about why that is. I suspect that growing up without hearing a prejudice word about anyone may have had a lot to do with it that and the fact I didn't know anyone or have any opinions.

Still don't have any opinions for that matter. To me chicks are chicks and I like them all. Some better than others but that has more to do with personality than anything else. For the last several years I've dated more non white girls than anyone else. I was shocked when one girl asked me if I would go out with and be seen in public with her. My reply was why wouldn't I? You are beautiful, intelligent and fun and I'd be proud to be seen with you anywhere.

Her reply was, but I'm black. Lol, she was right about that. She was not light skinned or even medium toned, she was about as black as it gets. I told her not a problem for me and that most people would think it was a bigger problem that she was 35 years younger than me and 6 inches taller. Big freaking deal, she's a girl and I'm a guy and that's all that mattered.

Carmen put me to the test and we went out a few times. Held hands, kissed in public, walked arm in arm and did everything I'd do with any girl I went out with. We don't see each other anymore but that's because she moved to a different area of the country. I hope she finds a nice guy and has a great life because she's a nice girl and she deserves it.

Anyway, to get back to the subject. We moved to what was a very poor or depressed area. You'll never guess who lived next door. Two black families with kids my age. We played together every day for almost 18 months without a problem. Well, with the usual problems kids have with each other but nothing about color at all.

I also met Hispanic, Asian and Native American kids and never had problems with any of them either. We were all poor, we were all kids and we all played together. To this day I'm thankful that I met all of them and that we all had fun together.

Funny, baby T's heritage is 100% from India. Her mom has been here 7 or 9 yrs and her dad for a couple. Tonight she and I met 4 of the most gorgeous, polite, well behaved little girls I've met in a long time. Absolutely wonderful kids. So we have a little Indian girl leading an old white guy around and baby T talking to 4 children of the maintenance guy at the motel who just happen to be black. He and I have talked a few times but I'd never met his kids before. To me this is life as it should be.

Anyway, life in Sioux City was a bit better but still not great. I didn't get beat as much because my mother didn't dare do it on front of my grandfather. I never got the impression he liked me tho. Just tolerated me. I still got slapped, hit, pinched and beat, just not around my grandfather and seldom in front of my grandmother.

My grandmother hit me a time or two and one time she grabbed my arm so hard she left puncture marks with all 5 of her finger nails. She cried and she never hit or grabbed me that way again. Still, both favored my sister over me and I knew that. Hey, at least I had friends to play with and tv to watch.

So we moved and my life got a little better. The best thing was I wasn't being molested several times a week or more and I wasn't being beat 3/4ths to death. I was still depressed, missed my dad and my grandparents a lot and had even less than I'd had before.

Hell of a way to learn that a bike that's to big, to old and falling apart is better than no bike at all. That living close to a library is a good thing and having lakes to go to was even better. I didn't have much in Minnesota and I had even less in Iowa.

I don't remember being as depressed there but I still stayed out of the way of adults when it was possible. So my adventure being out in the real world begins.

Interesting, I'm not stressed or depressed today.

I ended a chapter in my life yesterday and a different one the day before. The last two girls I was dating are no longer in my life.

I had expected to be stressed out and depressed all day today. I left for a month long trip this morning and thought I'd have at least one of the girls on my mind, most of the time. Surprises me that I didn't as when I drive my mind kinda floats free and random thoughts keep popping in.

Never thought about either one of them to much at all. So far it's been a great day and the future will be even better. Figure it out yet? I dumped them! I got tired of them not meeting my standards, not doing what they said and all the drama they both have in their lives.

Driving doesn't stress me out, I love it. It lets me relax and be alone at the same time while going down the road. Funny but since I told the second one I wasn't going to see her anymore I've been in a good mood. I figured I'd be really depressed as somewhere along the last 19 months I've become emotionally needy.

Never was before but a girl back then made me feel emotions I hadn't felt since I was a little kid. I sure didn't know how to deal with them but I knew I wanted more of those feelings so I developed a really bad case of approval seeking behavior and a huge need for someone to hold and cuddle me.

I sure put up with a lot of crap to get the attention I so desperately wanted tho. It's really a good thing that I LIKE women in general as the last 19 months have been nothing but women who weren't good for me at all, liars, cheats and manipulators with lives just full of drama.

Lol, I know all women aren't that way and somewhere along the way I will meet one, or maybe I already have, who will meet my minimum standards, be honest and reliable and care about me.

I met a really nice woman a couple of weeks ago and we are on our way to becoming good friends at the least but the way we miss talking to each other it will probably go farther. I want it to go very slow tho as I'm more in control and not that needy anymore.

It's very interesting to me that since I started being more positive mentally, after watching the Secret videos I mentioned before, I'm actually taking steps to make my life better, calmer and more peaceful. No more drama queens, no more liars, no more undependable people. nothing but keeping my life as positive as I can make it.

I work everyday at making positive things happen in my life and learning to say positive things to myself. Even relationships. Instead of saying I don't want a relationship with liars and drama queens I am saying I want a caring, trusting, loving relationship. Instead of saying what I don't want I'm saying what I do want.

If today is any sign, what I'm doing is working. It's going to take some time to get better but at least being positive is helping me be less depressed.

What does a stressed and depressed person do for fun

I told you in an earlier post that I should have been a hermit. I still believe I'd have been much happier if I would have been. I learned at a very young age to stay out of my parents way as much as possible. I may have been abused, stressed and totally depressed but I was still smart enough to know that if I wasn't around people I couldn't be hurt.

When I was little I learned to read very quickly and it was something I could go hide and do without fear. Reading also took me away from my circumstances and let me put myself in the place of the person in the book.

I wouldn't say I read a lot but there was an article in the local paper about me because by the age of 6 I'd already read every children's book in the town library. I actually had to bring a permission slip from my mother so I could get more advanced books to read.

I still read everyday. As far as I'm concerned reading is way more than fundamental. It's the thing that needs to be taught most. If you can read you can do anything. I buy kids I meet books and if I know them well enough I will sit and read to them.

Besides, it was something that kept me out of trouble and something I could do by myself.

I fished because I could do it alone. I loved to fish, I loved being outside and I loved being alone. I still fish, mostly alone but not always. I created a fishing forum at Fishing Eastern South Dakota where I tell some of my tips and tricks I've learned over the years. Lol, if fishing was slow I'd bring a book. ;)

I love to drive and in my past I drove semi nationwide for a couple of years. Nice solitary job and no one to bother me. I still love to get into my car and just ride around, alone. I think nothing of driving a thousand miles to go do something and I love the solitude of driving by myself. It calms me and lets me free up most of my mind for other things. I've had some of my best ideas while driving.

When the net came along I fell in love. It's another thing that is pretty much a solitary thing. It allows me to read, accumulate knowledge and be alone at the same time.

People constantly tell me I spend to much time alone bit it keeps me from being hurt or having to deal with the rampant stupidity I encounter when I have to go out in public. Lol, yes, I know, I also can't be rejected or hurt if I'm alone.

Oh, yeah, I also like to listen to R & B and that's a recent thing because all I used to listen to was golden oldies. I've come to love Beyonce, Mary J Blige, Ciara and many others who sing similar music.

All of these solitary things keep my stress levels down and keep me much calmer and serene. Fear of rejection sucks and is quite depressing when you know it and find it hard to get over it. It's also depressing.

Still, all in all, the way I am, I'd have been much happier as a hermit. Give me access to the net, tv, food, the library of congress and a woman two days a month and I'd be totally happy.

That's pathetic and I know it but it's also how I am.

Liars, thieves and more depressing thoughts

Before my mother beat me so badly she was always calling me names. She was always telling me I was a liar, a thief and a rotten child amongst all the other names, like bastard, SOB, little brat, etc.

After she beat me and I didn't cry I decided if I had the name I might as well play the game. Sheesh, if your going to be beaten for something you didn't do you might as well be doing it and get something out of it.

For the next ten years I was the lyingest, thievingest kid around, no matter where I lived. I seldom got caught. I'd steal from almost anyone and I just didn't care. My sister got everything so I decided stealing was the way to get mine.

I was the best shoplifter I've ever known. Of course all of this was before security cameras and all the surveillance stuff thee is now. Nothing was tagged and if you had the balls you could just walk out with it.

One year I stole every Christmas present I gave. I shoplifted every one of them. I got caught shoplifting just once and got out of it anyway. Two friends had bet me I couldn't steal 7 boxes of chocolate covered cherries. So I went to the grocery store next door with my big parka on and looked it over.

Then I started putting boxes of the chocolate covered cherries in my coat. Don't ya know I got caught sticking the 7th box inside my coat. The people from the store hauled me into the office and told me to give the cherries back so I took out two boxes and put them on the desk. They said they knew I took more so I took out another one and put it on the desk.

After doing that they nicely told me don't ever come back into our store and escorted me out. I went next door to the bowling alley where my friends were. and told them I'd gotten caught. Lol, they were surprised as hell that even tho I'd gotten caught I still managed to get away with four boxes.

All in all I managed to steal almost everything and the vast majority of it was from stores. Rifles, bicycles, bullets so I could go hunting, clothes, toys, fishing equipment, candy and books. I turned in a juvenile delinquent and loved the bad ass rep it gave me. Besides the fact I would fight at the drop of a hat.

It wasn't until I left home for good at the age of 17 that I stopped stealing things from stores. I now know that getting away from my mother and stepfather caused several changes in my behavior, all for the better. Perhaps because I was less depressed about my situation and was very happy not to be living at home.

At one point in my life, as a 14 year old I had over 2000 dollars buried here and there around the town I lived in. Kids didn't have much money back then so I had a paper rout to cover the fact I had money. I still had to take a 20 dollar bill to the store and buy bread and milk tho to get the bill broken down and not cause suspicion.

I had no fear of getting caught and even being in a jail for kids, don't remember what they called it back then but it was the juvenile version of an adult prison. The only thing I knew for sure is it wouldn't be as bad as living at home.

So how depressed and abused is a kid who'd rather be in jail than living at home. Child abuse does some really bad things to the minds of children. At some point I stopped all of that behavior and it was before I was 21.

As I said before, most of the people in prison had a past where they were abused. Because no one did much about child abuse we just kept building more prisons to put people in when they got old enough. Perhaps it might be better to stop the abuse and raise productive people rather than let them be abused and then act out and get put in prison when they are older.

We really need to fix two things in this country and it will solve about 50% of the crime problem. Stop child abuse and do something about poverty. Get kids jobs, get their parents some good jobs and some of it will stop. Be more vigilant about catching abusers and making sure that kids are raised in loving and caring homes or with loving and caring foster parents.

It does take a village to raise a kid and everyone should be involved instead of just ignoring it or labeling kids as bad.

Seems I've turned into a depressed needy wuss that confuses my girlfriend

We haven't been getting along for quite awhile. We've dated off and on for almost a year when I'm between girls. Lol, you could say she's my fallback position. No, it's not a nice thing to do to her but she's always there and we always end up back together.

I have some rules in my life that are pretty simple. Be honest with me, be loyal to me if we are friends or in a relationship, be faithful in a relationship and do what you tell me you will do. Simple and easy, at least to me.

Evidently I need to add another. Give me lots of attention. She works and she has a son who doesn't live with her but that she gets on a weekly basis when she's in town. I know her work hours so I don't call her during those hours. However I do call her before work, sometimes after work as she gets off around one in the morning.

She will tell me she'll call at a certain time or when a certain thing gets done and then she doesn't. When she wants something, even as little as 20 dollars she'll be really nice, call me, tell me how much she cares, etc. However as soon as she gets what she wants she forgets about calling or being nice. Irritates me to no end.

When she doesn't call I get very upset with her and then we fight. We had agreed to be together for this week but I put a condition on it that it depended on how well we got along on the phone. Heh, we lasted one day after discussing our future together.

Two weeks ago she was working in a smaller city and was going to be working somewhere else the next week. I told her if she wanted I'd come and stay with her the next week. Then work happened and I couldn't come so we agreed on this week at her apt as she wasn't supposed to be working.

She didn't call me to let me know she got to the small city so I called to make sure she was okay and got no answer. Neither did she call me the next day so I left a message. When she still hadn't called the next morning I got irritated and sent her a not so nice text message. She finally got around to calling and I asked her why she hadn't called before.

She got mad and hung up on me. The second time in a week so I quit calling her and said from now on it was up to her to call me. Short fight about that but I had it in stubborn mode so we didn't talk for a few days. Besides, we had plans to be together this week anyway.

Now I'm mad and not talking, she's mad and not talking and things are going very badly. The meeting her at her next job got cancelled because I was angry at her for not calling. We then planned this eek together if we could get along.

We couldn't. We lasted two days without fighting, made plans on what to do with her son while I was there and it was all set up so we could be together. She wants me to come to where she lives and move in together so we figured out how to introduce her son to the idea and all of that.

Then we got into a fight yet again. She hadn't called me when she said she would and I snapped on her and we didn't talk until yesterday. I had sent her a txt msg that said if she didn't call by 11 on Sunday we were through and I wouldn't be there. Sent her another one at 9 Sunday morning telling her she had two hours left or we were through because I was tired of the BS of her not doing what she said.

So she called right back and said she was about out of minutes and would call me when she got home, from her house phone. Checkout time at my motel was 11 so when she hadn't called by then I checked out, killed time talking to the woman who runs the motel and her little girl and she still hadn't called by noon so I left and headed west. She lives NE of here so wrong direction.

She finally called at 12:30 and asked what I was doing and if I was on the way. Told her I was headed west and we got into a big argument. Then a few miles down the road I decided what she had said made sense so I turned around and headed for her, 1000 miles away. Stopped and got gas and called her and told her I changed my mind, that she was right and I'd be there Monday night.

She then told me that because I hadn't called her she took another job and was going to be gone but I could come to the small city and stay with her at the motel. That pissed me off and I said no then she went off on me and chewed my ass up one side and down the other. Told me she decided to take the job when I hadn't called her because I was mad. Lol, I was mad because she hadn't called me. Once again the conversation was short and I told her to have fun at the job and we hung up.

Then I checked back into a motel to get some work done and to think. She had told me I was acting like a spoiled little kid and I wasn't to tell her what to do or when or how. So I thought about it and decided she was right, I had been acting badly. If it was okay for us to meet at her other job why wasn't it okay for me to meet her this time. Because I had planned to be at her place and it pissed me off because it wasn't going to happen.

So I'm here alone, she's there alone and we are both angry at one another. I know the problem and I know it's my fault, this time. Depression makes you do some weird things without even understanding you are doing them.

When she doesn't call or return calls I take it as total rejection and get very hurt over it. When I get hurt I get angry and unreasonable. It feels a lot like my mother rejecting me. For that reason I need and want and crave her attention. I never used to be that way. I didn't need anyone for anything. I'm not here with her so still don't but now it hurts.

Somewhere along the way I turned into a very needy wuss who pouts and gets angry if I don't get the attention I need. That's totally stupid because it pushes her away and then I don't get anything I want at all. Worse yet I know it's the same reason I fought with all the other girls I went out with. That made me even more depressed.

I don't blame my mother for my behavior, that's my very own responsibility and I am responsible for the things I say and do. The problem is I don' think, I just get angry. Rejection is a very scary thing to me. Now I understand why it is and that's due to my mother not wanting me.

So, here I sit, depressed, alone and lonely and have no one to blame but myself. Life sucks some days.

How do you know if you are happy?

What is happiness? How does it feel? This is just another emotion I have no clue about. People tell me I am not a happy person so I'll always ask them how do you be a happy person? What does it take to have feelings of happiness? How does it feel? No one has yet given me an adequate explanation.

I've had a few girlfriends who I thought made me happy but the truth is what they did was just lessen the mental pain I have always felt. Seldom has anyone made me totally forget the mental pain. The only thing that's ever done that is adrenaline. The more of an adrenaline rush I can get the better I feel.

However adrenaline gets harder and harder to come by. Example of this is I was driving west on Interstate 90 in South Dakota. It was raining lightly, below freezing and the wind was from my right at around 45 mph. Lol, I was doing the usual 79 mph, smoking a cigarette and driving one handed as always.

All of a sudden I hit a slick spot and my car started sliding sideways. I corrected for the slide, calmly reached down and put my cigarette in the ashtray, meanwhile the car starts sliding in the opposite direction and the wind is pushing me toward the south shoulder of the interstate. Still steering with one hand I finally got the cigarette in the ashtray and got the car straightened out at the same time. Didn't even bother to take the cruise control off.

About another mile down the road it happened again and this time I got completely sideways but was able to control it again with no real problem. I even considered slowing down but hey, it was a couple of freak things so I didn't care. Then it happened again and was a little more difficult to get control off but still no big deal, to me.

No adrenaline rush from that at all but I did have a big grin on my face. Was I stupid for not slowing down? Certainly. Did I put anyone else in danger? Nope traffic was pretty sparse due to the freezing rain. Did it make me happy? Nope, not a bit.

Is happiness just a lack of bad feelings? Is it as simple as not being depressed? Just what the hell is happiness and how do you get it? I have a warm/cool place to live, I get enough to eat and have enough to support myself for a long time, I have a decent car and plenty of clothes etc. People tell me I should be very happy for what I have but it's just stuff.

For sure it beats the hell out of being homeless and hungry and I'm grateful for that but it doesn't seem to make me a happy person. I truly want to be a happy person but there don't seem to be any guide books on how to be happy.

I'm seldom in a truly bad mood but at best my moods mostly stop at neutral. Helping others with their life problems or stopping them from being abused makes me feel good for a bit but it doesn't last long and I don't have a clue if that's happy or not. I can only think of one time that I had great feelings and a big grin for hours but that was due to making 300 bucks on the net while I was taking a nap for an hour and a half. It was my first good day on the net and it felt great. People tell me that's how I should feel all the time.

Money doesn't buy happiness. Having things doesn't make me happy. I've had more things than most people ever will. New boats, cars, houses, hell I had a 7 bedroom, 3 bathroom on 2 acres at a very good fishing lake, four wheelers, motorcycles and all new furniture with all of the trimmings. Still didn't make me happy. It's just stuff. Doesn't matter to me if I drive a brand new suburban or an old pickup truck as long as it's reliable and gets me where I want to go.

Same with houses, apts, etc. As long as it keeps me warm or cool, dry and comfortable I don't care if it's a penthouse or a cheap motel room. Stuff doesn't have any meaning for me as long as it does the job I need it to do.

So how do you get to be happy? I really wish someone would answer that for me with something that works. I'd really like to know how to be happy and have weeks or months that are happy. Is happiness something you can learn, is it an absence of bad feelings. Just what is happiness? Someone explain it to me, please.

Depression and ways I've recovered from it

Considering I've come to believe the doctor who told me I've probably been depressed all of my life how can I still be depressed and talk about recovering?

What I'm talking about recovering from is the severe and suicidal depressions I sometimes fall into. I'm not the greatest writer in the world so stick with me while I try to explain.

Being moderately depressed has been a constant for me for almost 60 years and I consider that a normal state as it's all I've known, being severely depressed to the point where I would require hospitalization is something totally different and is what I'm talking about when I say recovered from. Perhaps some day I'll be able to recover totally and not have any kind of depression at all.

I've never cared whether I lived or died and am not afraid of dying. I never have been and for me that's normal. Occasional thoughts of suicide cross my mind in my normal state but nothing to serious and not something I would do in my normal state. To damn stubborn to give up.

When I get severely depressed every day is a struggle to find a reason to stay alive. I can tell when I'm getting more depressed than usual and most times take steps to prevent it from getting worse. Sometimes I don't do anything and I get worse.

The severe depressions started in 1995 and I lost 30 pounds, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat and wanted to cry all the time. I never cryed but the fact I wanted to is one of the criteria I use to monitor how depressed I am. My business was doing very well but my ex wife was causing more problems, both professionally and personally, that I could handle.

I finally left her and gave her the business. There came a last straw one day and I climbed in my truck and drove off. Never saw her or spoke to her again and I never took anything but what I had in my truck and the 1200 dollars I had in my pocket.

My cousin made me go to he doctor and he wanted to put me into the hospital because I really looked bad and my health was very bad. I didn't care. I wouldn't go to the hospital so he prescribed some mood elevators for me and I knew I was so bad off that I took them. Reality was they didn't help much.

I went and found a job that was far beneath what I was capable off but didn't cause any stress. Now at least I could feed and house myself. For the next 10 months I seldom went out of the house. Watched a lot of TV and started writing the story of my life, all of the good and the bad and unfortunately, 100% truthful.

After writing for that long I finally started getting better and better. Yes I was still taking the drugs but I didn't like them. When I finally recovered from that one I attributed it to all of the writing I'd been doing. Again, when I say recovered I mean got back to my normal depressed state and not the severe suicidal depression I had been in. So I wrote my way out of it.

The next time I got severely depressed I spend 18 months living alone and seldom going out of the apt. I actually had to force myself to go buy food. I read everything on the net I could find and I tried a few different things. Then one day I read about kids in Serbia or Croatia who failed to thrive because they were never touched.

At that point I decided to give massage a try. After I made that decision it was another 6 months before I scheduled an appointment with a spa. Just didn't seem manly to me. Sissy stuff and didn't fit my image of myself at all. Besides, I hated having people touch me. I hated to cuddle, I hated to hold hands, I hated to have someone sleeping next to me and touching me.

The first few massage appointments were a complete ordeal and Jessie, the girl who worked on me most of the time, told me I was the tensest person she had ever met. Lol, I told her I slept tense and was seldom relaxed. Probably because of the way I was raised and the way I continued to live my life after I left home. Always on high alert and my back to the wall.

Eventually I started to semi enjoy the massages and started getting better. Then Jessie and the other girl who was massaging me talked me into just doing nothing. I had never been able to just do nothing and still have problems with it but at least I can do it. They talked me into going out to the lake and laying in the sun.

At first I took work along because it was a waste of time just sitting at the lake. Then I graduated to bringing a book but no work. Finally after about 15-20 times at the lake I got brave and left everything home. I learned to like just laying in the sun and doing nothing but letting my mind float and go where it wanted to.

I got better and better and finally felt back to my normal state of depression. I kept getting massages and laying in the sun but I discovered I liked being touched, at least by females. Lol, no way in hell will I ever go to a male massage therapist.

I did have to take up tanning in the winter months though but massage and doing nothing in the sun pretty much solved that one.

Those two severe depressions were about 5 years apart. This one one happened about two years later and here I am now struggling to get out of this one. As I said on an earlier page I finally got so bad I knew I had to go to the doctor again. I was severely depressed and I knew if but I was so depressed I didn't care. Over all I'd lost 50 pounds and went from 165 down to 112 pounds. She prescribed Zoloft and I knew I had to take it, like it or not. Interestingly enough Zoloft doesn't cause sexual problems or side affects for me.

Then between the Zoloft and the Xanax I felt mildly better but still not good as I was still fighting off thoughts of suicide and it was hard to fight off. I made a decision to pack up what I needed to survive, clothes, important papers and a few other things and made it all fit into the back of my Aztek. I left all furniture and everything else.

I started traveling to places I'd never been before and am continuing to do so. I work on my computer, I lay in the sun and I go to new places. Trying to find a motel is a challenge, trying to find decent places to eat is a challenge. Then I decided to start this blog instead of writing in notebooks. It's all helping. Each part of it helps a bit and I can tell I'm better because I don't have to fight to stay alive until tomorrow. I'm now automatically assuming there will be a tomorrow instead of fighting to be here for the next 5 minutes.

I'm learning to replace negative thoughts with positive ones and using my subconscious mind to help with this. I'm getting work done and making a bit of money so things are better. Not great but better. For some reason writing seems to help me more than anything. Even when I tend to babble. Some days remembering and telling it is all a bit much but I think positive thoughts and I get better.

Will I get suicidally depressed again. History says I probably will and I don't know that I have the strength and stubbornness to survive another severe deep depression. Oh well, I'm better now and that's the point. I'll keep doing the things I'm doing and keep thinking positive thoughts, keep laying in the sun and keep this blog going and I should keep getting better.

Still major depressed but still alive

As I mentioned yesterday the doctor prescribed me zoloft and I have been taking it. Funny tho that after 30 days or so I still can't tell any difference except for being hungry all the time and not to much interested in sex at all.

Just a couple of the usual side effects of most drugs for depression. There are more but these are the two that always seem to get me. No sex causes me to stress out and it really irritates a girl I go out with when she wants to and I don't care.

The only drug they've ever given me for stress or for being depressed that I like is xanax. The first time I took it the stuff made me really crabby and irritable and my ex wife told me not to take it anymore. I tried it again despite her wishes and that time and from then on it worked as it was supposed to.

At least I can get the generic for that one as alprazolam and it's usually under 15 dollars for 60 pills. Best part is it does exactly what I want it to do. It shuts my mind off when it's in the runaway, can't stop thinking mode. When I go to bed at night I take half one and I can fall asleep with no probems at all. Doesn't seem to have any side effects that I've noticed. To bad it doesn't work for depression, just for anxiety or shutting my mind off.

At least I can tell it works. With the zoloft I have no clue. I've even asked a couple of people if they can ell any difference in me and they've all said no. I'll keep taking it for another month because I know it has to build up to certain levels in your bloodstream but if it's not working any better by the 10th of April I'll quit taking it.