Preview of what happens in LeMars, Iowa

This is a town I remember very well. A lot of things happened there. I suppose that's to be expected considering the ages I was while I lived there. 13-18 yrs old is a very tough time in the life of a kid. Abused and molested or not, it's just a tough time.

Considering I was more sexually advanced, thanks Cherie, than most of the kids my age you just know I slept with a lot of girls I went to school with and even 4 or 5 older women.

I got officially arrested for the first time, I got threatened with reform school in Eldora Iowa 3 or 4 times and had a few misadventures with the legal system.

The one thing that does surprise me about LeMars is how many of the people I knew there own large comapanies. I knew all the Wells kids and their parents owned Wells Blue Bunny.

My algebra teacher was Mrs. Harker and you see Harkers meat trucks all over the country now. When I lived there they were a small little locker that cut up meat for other people.

Schuster trucking was a small, local operation as was Harms trucking and another one from Akron, Iowa but the name escapes me now.

I also quit school after I finished 9th grade. Lol, I know, it shows in my writing. I always hated English class anyway so it's not surprising. Until I started writing on the net I never much cared because I could hire someone to do it for me.

I got my first car there.

I fell into what I thought was love, for the first time.

I got shot at for the first time but far from the last tme.

I got kicked out of school a few times.

I got put in jail for the first time.

I wrecked my first car.

I got my first real job.

I was reunited with my grandmother and grandfather in Minnesota.

I started hitch hiking around the country and hopping freight trains as a way of travel.

I was the person your mother always warned you to stay away from. Lol, mothers shoud really stop doing that because it just pushes the girls to go out with people like me to see what's so bad about me and to show their parents they can't be told what to do.

It was an interesting place but not one I'm ever interested in living in again. I was through there in April and was a bit amazed at how much it had grown but didn't care enough to actually drive through town and look at it. They now have a highway that bypasses the town so that's the one I took.

I know quite a few people from the area but I don't like any of them well enough to think about them very often. My first love I'll always remember and contrary to Cherie I sometimes wonder what happened to her. If she's happy and how shes doing.

I'll think of more but I'm not a person who goes out of his way to keep in touch with other people. With me it's pretty much out of sight, out of mind. There are a few exceptions to that but not many.

I've lived better places and I've lived worse places. Essentially it's just another in a long list of places where I lived for awhile, got tired of, and moved on to the next adventure. While I get stressed out frequently and depressed now and then I've always seen life as one big adventure, and, at times, waited with breathless anticipation for what was to happen next.

The one thing I know for sure, in my life, is that something will happen. Whether it's good or bad I never know but I do know something will happen that will make life interesting for a while. Sometimes to interesting.

There's an ancient Chinese curse. Quite simple really. "May you live in interesting times." I did and I still do. It took me a long time to understand why that was a curse tho. Lol, now I get it. Yeah, so, I'm a little slow now and then.

Calmness, peacefulness and serenity is a good thing. Interesting times are quite stressful, most of the time.

Sociopath, me? Nah, could never happen, to depressed.

I was going to put at reply to the comment on my last post but this will be even better as it gives me more room. Heh, a court appointed shrink once told the judge I had sociopathic tendencies but I wasn't a sociopath.

Lol, I also have a certificate somewhere that says I'm sane. Yeah, ya have to get committed to the funny farm to get one of those. 30 days for observation. Great story there but that's another 12 years in the future too.

Heh, I'm probably one of few people that has legal testimony as proof to not being sociopathic or insane.

Dangerous is a bit of a different story. Back when I was younger until I turned 40 or so I was quite dangerous and bad tempered. I thought I was 6 ft 2 inches and 225 pounds instead of my 5 foot 7 and 160 pounds and I acted as if I owned the world.

In my defense I will say that I seldom started a fight but I sure finished a lot of them. However it didn't take to much of an insult to get me to fight back then. I didn't care if there was one or five, I'd fight. I haven't been in a fight for 8 years now. At least not physically.

Believe it or not most people think of me as intimidating. Enough people have told me that so often that I believe other people see me that way but I don't understand why. I still hear it and I'm down to 5 ft 6 and i/2 inches and 112 pounds. Damn emphysema.

The shrink who said I wasn't a sociopath but had some tendencies just didn't get it. Lol, not all shrinks are created equal. He couldn't understand why I thought it was okay to hurt people who hurt me. He didn't get it that if you physically hurt my sister I was going to kick some serious ass. He didn't get it that if you hurt my girlfriend I was going to kick some serious ass. He didn't get it that if you called them bad names I was going to kick some ass.

Hit a woman in front of me I'm going to hurt you, hit a child in front of me I'm going to hurt you. Rape my wife, sister, daughter or girlfriend I'm going to hunt you down and save the state some money. Molest my grandchildren or my girlfriends kids I'm going to hunt you down.

Those things haven't changed since I talked to that shrink. They won't change until after I'm dead and not then if I can help it. Yeah, I was dangerous big time back then. Still a bit dangerous now but freaking emphysema pretty much put an end to fighting. Now it's got to be over in 45 seconds max or I'm screwed. ;)


I also discovered it's much more fun to use your mind instead of your physical body. No, not hacking or identity theft or any of that crap. Just plain old manipulation and knowing peoples tendencies.

Example. Two years ago I manipulated a guy into jail by using his own tendencies against him. His wife had let me know he was hitting her and his twin daughters again. I'd stopped it 15 years earlier by beating him severely and telling him the next time would be worse.

She wanted a divorce too but was afraid to get it or file the papers. I had her go to court and get a restraining order as I knew he'd fight it. While they were both in court she had him served with divorce papers in the court room right after she got the restraining order.

The restraining order was issued by a judge who didn't put up with any knd of BS in that regard. I knew the guy would do nothing in court, I knew he wouldn't do anything while he was escorted to get his personal things from their house. I knew he would go get drunk and show up at the house after he did, thus violating the restraining order.

About 1:30 in the morning he showed up at their house and wanted in. So my friend unlocked the door and when she did he shoved it open and hit her. The she nailed him with the stun gun I gave her and it was all over with. Except for the fact that I had to stop her from using the stun gun after the first couple of times, all went as planned. Yes, I was there to protect her if things didn't go as planned.

The cops arrested him for assault and battery, resisting arrest, violating the restraining order and a few other minor charges. The judge sentenced him to 6 months in jail. He lost his job and life as he knew it changed greatly, my friend and her daughters moved to another city where they are safe and as far as I know he hasn't found them yet.

Now that was more fun and more satisfying than a physical fight. I never, ever believed in getting even either. I believed in getting ahead. Way ahead. I believed the way to keep people from hurting you was to hurt them so bad the first time they did it so that they'd never think of messing with me or mine again.

Lol, one shrink told me I had an inappropriate response mechanism. So I had to ask what he meant. He said if someone hits you instead of hitting back you just nuke them. I said yep, keeps them from doing it again, ain't that the whole idea of a fight. In the circles I was hanging out in at the time it was the only way to survive.

Never a sociopath tho as I had feelings. I managed to suppress them quite well, from the time my mother beat me until I stopped crying, until I met one girl who reawakened feelings I'd forgotten I could have. I was pretty well successful at keeping them at bay for damn near 50 years.

She and I broke up 17 months ago and I'm just barely back to being able to suppress most of them most of the time. Damn woman made me fall in love, want to have a child with her and made me care about myself and the future.


My depression is getting better and I'm getting back to my tough minded self again. Getting all that stuff back in the boxes it was hidden away in, in my mind, was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. Keeping it stuffed in them is also harder than it used to be.

So, no, not near as dangerous as I used to be but don't try to rob me or car jack me and when I hit the nursing home don't try taking my wheelchair either. I'll always be badass enough that those things aren't going to happen without someone getting seriously hurt and I don't expect it to be me.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, but do it twice as much. While I no longer believe violence is the way to solve problems, I do understand that there are people who only understand violence. I do understand that there are some truly bad or evil people in the world.

Yeah, I know, I should go talk to someone about all of this crap I suppressed but at a couple of hours a week it would take forever and cost a damn fortune. Few shrinks I've met that were smart enough to be able to help me and none I trusted enough to talk to, at least not seriously. Heh, writing this blog is enough talking to make me realize a lot of different things.

So, nope, not a sociopath and not a danger to normal people. I've done a lot of stupid things but hurting innocent people was never one of them. All of this will become more clear as I continue to age in my life story. Sheesh, at least I hope it will. ;)

Doing what you want to do when you want to do it

If you've read much of these posts you know, that even as a child, I did and do what ever I want to do. Always have but within the rules I live by. Sometimes those rules change but it's always for the better.

Around 1987 I finally made some major changes in my life. Some of my rules changed then too. They've changed since then and I expect will change until I die. However they are quite simple.

• Don't lie
• Don't cheat
• Don't steal
• Don't hurt others
• Be reliable
• Say what you mean and mean what you say
• Treat others with respect
• Do the right thing

Pretty simple stuff and pretty basic. Those are the rules I live by and it's how I expect others to treat me. While I live by those rules I only live by them with people who don't do those things to me. If you lie to me then in my reality it's okay for me to lie to you, etc.

Those rules are why I no longer have any girlfriends. Those rules are why I sold everything and went on a permanent vacation. Took me awhile to realize that almost everyone I dealt with before I left, including girlfriends, was doing two or more of those things to me and I was doing them back.

That's not the kind of person I want to be so I changed everything by changing my environment. As you know, I've done it before so not a real problem. When things get so bad that I don't like me it's really time to change things. So I did.

Now I'm not near as depressed as I was and I like myself a lot more than I did 6 months ago. That's a good thing. I probably should make another rule about getting people out of my life the first time they do it to me but then I might as well be a hermit.

I wouldn't mind that at all but it doesn't work very well. So here I am trying to figure out how much I should let people break my rules before I kick them out of my reality. Or do I just live by my rules at all times no matter what they do.

For the most part I'm associating with a lot nicer people now so it doesn't happen as often. What to do about it when it does happen is my problem. Of course being around nicer people makes life easier and I'm a lot less likely to have to do something I shouldn't to make sure people respect me.

It's interesting living among nicer people but it's also harder in some respects. Heh, mostly because I don't know how to react to what they do. That's not entirely true, I know how to be nice and several girlfriends have told me I get treated the way I do because I'm to nice.

For some reason people take being nice and treating them with respect as weakness. Something to be exploited and used rather than to be respected and treasured. I wonder why that is? Doesn't take some of them long to figure out that my being nice and treating people nicely doesn't mean I'm weak.

It's just to bad they have to learn that the hard way. What they don't understand is I wasn't always a nice person and it's to easy for me not to be nice if I make that choice. Lol, it's what my cousin fears the most.

That I'll go back to being the way I was 25 years ago. It's easy to do that. I know what the rules are in that environment. It's why I'm more comfortable in bars and dangerous places than I am around nice people. All in all it's a lot less tricky environment.

I still do what I want to, when I want to and where I want to but what I want to do is different now than it was before. Maybe I'm finally growing up. I'll still do what I think is the right thing, whether it's legal or illegal doesn't matter. However around nice people life is different. I just need to learn the differences. That's the hard part.