Writing about depression is depressing

Somedays it's really depressing to come here and write about being depressed all of my life. I don't like it and I don't always want to do it but I manage to on most days.

People have told me all of my life that I should write my life story. I could never understand why, still don't, but that's what this is going to be in the end. I know I'm missing things and I know I get tired of repeating things.

The abuse happened on a daily basis but I don't want to write about every little or big piece of abuse that happened. It's boring and depressing at the same time. It was just normal to me. Not as bad as some peoples and worse than others.

I was frequently beaten with belts, sticks, switches, ping pong paddles, coat hangers, hands, fists, feet etc. What ever was handy at the time. I was burned once that I can remember.

Verbally I was called names, humiliated in front of others, belittled, made fun of and every other way you can verbally abuse a person. I was screamed at frequently. Mostly by my mother.

I can't even begin to describe how it made me feel and I won't bother to try. I've said before I'm seriously understated and you'll just have to fill in the blanks as best you can. I will say that if you imagine the worst you'll probably be close.

Thinking about it and writing about it makes me sad. Depressed and very, very sad. It also gives me headaches now and then. My life is going to get better as I get older but it's also going to get worse as I get older in this retelling.

Parts of it will even seem normal but for the most part I was trying to be normal and fit in. IOW it was an act and I could never keep it up for a sustained period of time. Altho at one point I did manage 13 yrs of semi normality.

Then there's the INTJ personality thing. Then there's my ADD but I managed to turn that into an asset as I got older. Throw some serious anger into the mix and some serious depression and a huge need for adrenaline and voila, you get me.

So my life has been a big mess most of the time. Still is but I can live with that too because that's how it's always been.