One thing more terrifying than having something bad happen

I just finished a book called Fire by Sebastian Junger. Good book and somewhat enlightening but one chapter in particular I found interesting. Yep, it's been out awhile but it's never been at the dollar store for a buck before. It's worth more than I paid for it and it's a hardcover book I'll keep for awhile.

It's got a chapter in in called Colter's Way and it's about John Colter who was a mountain man, trapper and a hunter for the Lewis and Clark expedition.

It goes on to tell about his going trapping in the Blackfeet Native American territory in Montana. How he got shot while there and went back to recuperate and as soon as he was well he went back with a partner.

More problems with the Blackfeet and he was lucky to escape with his life. Once again he went back and yet again had problems with the Blackfeet and a few men were killed at a new fort.

Finally he decided he had enough of living in the wild and headed back to the East. Got married and then died two years later. What the wild country and the Native Americans couldn't do, civilization did.

According to the book evidently the danger of being in the wild was what he thrived on. It was how he tested himself. Danger just for the sake of seeing if one can survive.

I doubt many of you have been shot at but being shot at and missed is the most exhilarating feeling in the world. Heh, so is throwing a car into a 30 mph curve at 75. So is continually driving thru the most violence prone areas of Milwaukee at 1:30 AM.

Different times and mostly different dangers but the mindset is the same. Am I good enough to survive even if everything is not in my control. Totally and absolutely dependent on ones self for ones survival. In the position where things are happening so fast yet to your mind it seems like it takes forever.

Where one little bit of unfocused attention will get you dead quick. Most of you will never experience that and I don't know whether to be glad for you or sad for you. It makes you feel truly alive and that shouldn't be missed but it's also damn foolishness.

OTOH I've been involved in a lot of damn foolishness in my life and still am occasionally. Can't seem to go for to long a time without that adrenaline rush. I have no doubt about my ability to win or control every situation I get into. Heh, I'm sure some day it will get me killed but I'm also sure that if or when it happens I'll be dying happy and full of adrenaline.

I'm going to end this with a long quote from the book that will explain it all better than I ever could. MOF it kinda reminds me of a child seeking attention. If they can't get positive attention for doing good things they'll do some bad things because even negative attention is better than no attention at all.

Funny but a 23 month old reminded me of that the other day. I wasn't paying attention to her at all nor was she successful at getting my attention in a nice way. So she went right to something she knew would get her in trouble. Then she got some attention. Now I try to give her positive attention every time I see her, daily.

Here's the quote.

"None of these men had become trappers against his will; to one degree or another they'd all volunteered for the job. However rough it was, it must gave looked better than the alternative which was-in one form or another-an uneventful life passed in society's embrace. For people like Colter, the one thing more terrifying than having something bad happen must have been to have nothing happen at all."

I can relate to that in a big way. I learned something about myself reading that and it explains totally why I kept, and still keep, putting myself in situations where something bad is pretty sure to happen. Sheesh, I go out of my way to do it.

I'm old enough to know it's foolish and, evidently, to bored to care. Better something bad than nothing at all.

Simple.

Is violence ever the answer to problems or situations?

If you're one of the few who read this blog from the beginning you know I grew up in a household where personal violence was common. You know I was taught, thru violence, to never lose a fight and to never give up. Win at all costs.

I learned to be stubborn to the point where it's a serious fault now and then. Being that stubborn and having the force of will or strength of mind that I have has also led me to be able to do things that others couldn't. To survive when others couldn't, too take damage in a fight so I could inflict even more damage. Pure stubbornness and force of will.

While I'm not going to go into the reasons for it today, there came a point in my life where I had to choose between being what is now known as a geek or a bad ass. I chose bad ass because I could see no way to survive without being that way. There were two types of people in the world back then, wolves and sheep. Lol, still pretty much that way today.

I couldn't be a sheep just because it's so much against my nature. At the time I didn't know what I do now because I was only 12. However I will admit it took me a very long time to learn and that jail and prison did not help me learn. I eventually figured it out for myself.

I've been shot, stabbed, cut, beaten with bats, pool cues, beer bottles and whatever else was handy, intentionally hit with a car, beaten by groups and had my ass kicked by people one at a time, some things multiple times but I've only been shot once. I stopped counting concussions at 8.

I learned early on that the way to keep violence from happening to you was to be even more violent than the people who would do you violence. If not more violent then more insane or at least appearing more insane. It worked well as most people thought I was totally crazy and pretty much left me alone for fear of what would happen to them if they messed with me.

I walked around like I was 6 feet 2 and 225 pounds and the baddest person around, I seldom lost a fight and it was very seldom I fought someone smaller than I was. It was very hard to hurt me and damn near impossible to make me stop once the fight started. Worse yet, not only did I walk around as if I were that big and bad, I believed it in my own mind.

People were afraid of me, people were afraid of what I might do and I loved it. I've been called intimidating all of my life and I could never quite figure out why. Whether it's the way I carry myself and my body language I don't know. I hear it before I ever open my mouth. After I open my mouth I hear it even more.

The last 18 months worth of chicks I've dated about 75% have said their first thought when they saw me for the first time was, "damn, there's trouble, this guy is dangerous" and I laughed at them. Of course the girls I was dating at the time came from area's where recognizing potential danger or trouble was a survival mechanism.

A long time ago I read this "Yea tho I walk thru the valley of death I shall fear nothing because I'm the meanest SOB in the valley" and I believed it to be true of me. Still do for that matter but we aren't talking Marquis of Queensbury rules here.

So I walked around like I was 6' 2" and 225 pounds, I was crazy and I intimidated the hell out of people without opening my mouth. As I said, I never really understood this because, are you ready for this, I've never been more than 5 feet 6 and 1/2 inches tall and my best fighting weight was around 155 pounds. Real scary huh? ;)

I've always been more comfortable in bad ass places than boring middle and upper class bars. Still am for that matter as I know what to expect and I know how to act. I haven't been in a situation where I was really afraid for so long that I don't remember the last time.

I've always gone where I wanted no matter how dangerous the place was supposed to be. You see, the old thing about it "It's not the size of the man in the fight but the size of the fight in the man" was very true in my case. I had one other advantage and that was the fact that I just didn't care what happened to me. To my discredit I still don't much care.

Alas, I got old and one day one of the girls I was dating remarked on how really small I was. It was all she could talk about for weeks was how small I was and how much I got away with being as small as I was. Finally one day I took a really good look in the mirror and realized she was right. I am pretty damn small. Of course I'd lost 55 pounds in the previous 18 months also but still didn't consider myself small even tho I only weighed in at 107.

I can no longer fight, at least not for more than 30 seconds. Chronic bronchitis and emphysema have pretty much made it impossible yet I haven't changed my attitude or the way I carry myself. I haven't changed where I go nor am I afraid to go there. Lol, no one knows it's the biggest bluff in the world. Someday someone will call me on it and they will get hurt.

Yet I no longer believe violence is the solution to much of anything and for sure the last option, not the first. I used to use violence as a sledge hammer because it was an easy solution but now I believe it should only be used in extreme cases and with surgical precision. It's much more fun to win with your intelligence and to get others to solve the problem for you.

When my ex wife and I were still married my youngest stepson was being picked on in school and as hard as it was for me I never, ever, told him to punch them in the nose and the BS would stop. Instead I taught him things that might stop his being picked on in a non violent way. Talking to the person, telling the teacher, walking away, etc. I tried to teach him to use his mind to solve the situations.

I wanted him to be a better person than I ever was, I wanted him to learn to live a normal life and become somebody he could be proud of. I wanted him to learn to be a peaceful person and to be at peace with himself.

Finally 5 years later, after my wife and I got divorced, I decided the advice I gave him might work for me. It does but I don't always like it and I know violence would stop whatever it is much faster in a lot of cases but I still refrain.

My biggest rule. Do the right thing at all times at all costs. Lol, you can see how that might cause some conflict with both groups. Notice the rule doesn't say anything about the legality of the right thing. What's right isn't always legal and what's wrong isn't always illegal.

Because I lived my life by certain rules I was always considered "to bad" by the good people and "to good" by the bad people I hung around with. Lol, both groups had one thing in common tho, they both believed I was crazy and that was to my advantage.

Bottom line is violence creates as many or more problems than it solves, most of the time. There are people who only understand violence so it's necessary but should still be the last resort.

BTW, I still do what I believe to be right, no matter what.