Not to depressed in MN but still a lot of stress

We lived in two different house in Fairmont and I only remember the last one. No memory at all of the first one we lived in. Kinda tells me nothing unusual happened there but we didn't live there very long either.

My mother still beat me and my stepfather occasionally used his fists on me but I was used to it so it wasn't anything new or memorable. If something happens often enough it becomes normal, even if it shouldn't.

The uncle that molested me for years showed up at my school one day and wanted me to go with him after school got out. The school yard was fenced and he was on the other side of the fence. I told him to go away or I was going to tell the teacher he was bothering me then I walked away from the fence.

He left but I was scared and stressed out about it for weeks after that. No one believed me before or did anything about it and I still wasn't big enough to put a stop to it. I would be one day but not yet.

My mother and my stepfather fought a lot but to my knowledge he never hit her like my father did. It was almost constant arguing and raised voices. I always wondered why they got married to begin with.

Once, on a trip to my aunt and uncles in Mason City, Iowa, they argued for most of the way. I finally got tired of being quiet and said something to them about it. My mother hit me and told me if I didn't shut up about it they were going to throw me out of the car.

I told them go ahead I'd rather walk than listen to them all the time. So they dumped me out of the car 15 miles from where we were going. When they drove off I hurried up and got away from the area so if they came back they couldn't find me.

They didn't find me either. I watched them driving around looking for me and then headed for my uncles house. I knew how to get there so it wasn't a big problem for me. I wasn't even stressed about it but relieved to be out of the car with all the arguing going on.

I finally got a ride to Mason City and beat them to my uncles house by about an hour. Got one hell of a beating for not staying where they dumped me out. Do I think they were worried about me? Not even a little bit. I think they were more worried about what would happen if I went to the police station and told the cops what they did.

It's not something they ever did again so in the end I won that round. I never worried about being dumped out again because I knew I could handle it. I was stubborn as hell then and I still am today. I know that if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other I'll eventually get where I want to go.

Just the fact I was relieved to be thrown out of the car instead of scared or worried should give you a major idea of what kind of life I had then.

Wow, you don't suppose this is why I have some serious abandonment issues and major problems in that area of relationships. Sarcasm, in case you didn't get it.

I've spent my whole damn life trying to figure out why people do the things they do and trying to figure out myself. Every now and then I have some aha moments about me and it seems I should have figured out some of the things about me long ago but I didn't.

Getting a little late now but I'm still working on me and I'm making myself better day by day. It's a slow process but as stubborn as I am I'll get there if I keep trying.

I've lived my life on my terms since I was a kid and that will never stop. I recognize it's not always a good thing but I've seen nothing to make me want to change that part, yet.

Is violence ever the answer to problems or situations?

If you're one of the few who read this blog from the beginning you know I grew up in a household where personal violence was common. You know I was taught, thru violence, to never lose a fight and to never give up. Win at all costs.

I learned to be stubborn to the point where it's a serious fault now and then. Being that stubborn and having the force of will or strength of mind that I have has also led me to be able to do things that others couldn't. To survive when others couldn't, too take damage in a fight so I could inflict even more damage. Pure stubbornness and force of will.

While I'm not going to go into the reasons for it today, there came a point in my life where I had to choose between being what is now known as a geek or a bad ass. I chose bad ass because I could see no way to survive without being that way. There were two types of people in the world back then, wolves and sheep. Lol, still pretty much that way today.

I couldn't be a sheep just because it's so much against my nature. At the time I didn't know what I do now because I was only 12. However I will admit it took me a very long time to learn and that jail and prison did not help me learn. I eventually figured it out for myself.

I've been shot, stabbed, cut, beaten with bats, pool cues, beer bottles and whatever else was handy, intentionally hit with a car, beaten by groups and had my ass kicked by people one at a time, some things multiple times but I've only been shot once. I stopped counting concussions at 8.

I learned early on that the way to keep violence from happening to you was to be even more violent than the people who would do you violence. If not more violent then more insane or at least appearing more insane. It worked well as most people thought I was totally crazy and pretty much left me alone for fear of what would happen to them if they messed with me.

I walked around like I was 6 feet 2 and 225 pounds and the baddest person around, I seldom lost a fight and it was very seldom I fought someone smaller than I was. It was very hard to hurt me and damn near impossible to make me stop once the fight started. Worse yet, not only did I walk around as if I were that big and bad, I believed it in my own mind.

People were afraid of me, people were afraid of what I might do and I loved it. I've been called intimidating all of my life and I could never quite figure out why. Whether it's the way I carry myself and my body language I don't know. I hear it before I ever open my mouth. After I open my mouth I hear it even more.

The last 18 months worth of chicks I've dated about 75% have said their first thought when they saw me for the first time was, "damn, there's trouble, this guy is dangerous" and I laughed at them. Of course the girls I was dating at the time came from area's where recognizing potential danger or trouble was a survival mechanism.

A long time ago I read this "Yea tho I walk thru the valley of death I shall fear nothing because I'm the meanest SOB in the valley" and I believed it to be true of me. Still do for that matter but we aren't talking Marquis of Queensbury rules here.

So I walked around like I was 6' 2" and 225 pounds, I was crazy and I intimidated the hell out of people without opening my mouth. As I said, I never really understood this because, are you ready for this, I've never been more than 5 feet 6 and 1/2 inches tall and my best fighting weight was around 155 pounds. Real scary huh? ;)

I've always been more comfortable in bad ass places than boring middle and upper class bars. Still am for that matter as I know what to expect and I know how to act. I haven't been in a situation where I was really afraid for so long that I don't remember the last time.

I've always gone where I wanted no matter how dangerous the place was supposed to be. You see, the old thing about it "It's not the size of the man in the fight but the size of the fight in the man" was very true in my case. I had one other advantage and that was the fact that I just didn't care what happened to me. To my discredit I still don't much care.

Alas, I got old and one day one of the girls I was dating remarked on how really small I was. It was all she could talk about for weeks was how small I was and how much I got away with being as small as I was. Finally one day I took a really good look in the mirror and realized she was right. I am pretty damn small. Of course I'd lost 55 pounds in the previous 18 months also but still didn't consider myself small even tho I only weighed in at 107.

I can no longer fight, at least not for more than 30 seconds. Chronic bronchitis and emphysema have pretty much made it impossible yet I haven't changed my attitude or the way I carry myself. I haven't changed where I go nor am I afraid to go there. Lol, no one knows it's the biggest bluff in the world. Someday someone will call me on it and they will get hurt.

Yet I no longer believe violence is the solution to much of anything and for sure the last option, not the first. I used to use violence as a sledge hammer because it was an easy solution but now I believe it should only be used in extreme cases and with surgical precision. It's much more fun to win with your intelligence and to get others to solve the problem for you.

When my ex wife and I were still married my youngest stepson was being picked on in school and as hard as it was for me I never, ever, told him to punch them in the nose and the BS would stop. Instead I taught him things that might stop his being picked on in a non violent way. Talking to the person, telling the teacher, walking away, etc. I tried to teach him to use his mind to solve the situations.

I wanted him to be a better person than I ever was, I wanted him to learn to live a normal life and become somebody he could be proud of. I wanted him to learn to be a peaceful person and to be at peace with himself.

Finally 5 years later, after my wife and I got divorced, I decided the advice I gave him might work for me. It does but I don't always like it and I know violence would stop whatever it is much faster in a lot of cases but I still refrain.

My biggest rule. Do the right thing at all times at all costs. Lol, you can see how that might cause some conflict with both groups. Notice the rule doesn't say anything about the legality of the right thing. What's right isn't always legal and what's wrong isn't always illegal.

Because I lived my life by certain rules I was always considered "to bad" by the good people and "to good" by the bad people I hung around with. Lol, both groups had one thing in common tho, they both believed I was crazy and that was to my advantage.

Bottom line is violence creates as many or more problems than it solves, most of the time. There are people who only understand violence so it's necessary but should still be the last resort.

BTW, I still do what I believe to be right, no matter what.