Monday, February 4, 2008

I hit my mother.

I think hitting your mother is a bad thing in most cases. However in my case I considered it justifiable and have never considered that I was wrong to do it. Lol, hey, you can justify anything if you think about it long enough.

Anyway I have never felt bad about it and at this late date I doubt I ever will. On the other hand it's not something I'm proud of either. I wasn't raised to not beat women but I really hate people who do it.

As a general rule for the population there is a scientifically proven fact that approximately 90% of the people will raise their children the same way they were raised. Same for being molested and being a molester. I'm thankful that I'm neither as there was a 90% chance I could have been either or both. Heh, when I discovered that fact I decided I wasn't going to have kids. Made it a condition of my first marriage.

Anyway, back to my mother. If you've read any of the rest of these posts you know she didn't want me, beat me daily or close to it and belittled me every chance she got.

We were standing in the center of the room arguing about something and it had been going on for more than a few minutes. As usual she was working herself into a rage before the beating was to come. Nothing new there at all.

However this time I couldn't keep my smart mouth shut. Don't remember what I said but I have no doubt it was bad and that I thought, and still think, whatever I said was right. Evidently she didn't like it because she slapped me. Without even thinking about it my hand slapped her back.

It wasn't something I planned or intended but more like my hand acted on it's own. Nope, not putting it off on anyone else or anything else, I'm just telling you what it seemed like at the time. I did it and I'm the one responsible for doing it. No dodging that. However I do know one thing my mother taught me to do very well. Disassociate. ;)

When I felt my hand slap her I was both horrified and thrilled at the same time. While she was screaming for my step father I said, 'If you ever lay another hand on me I'll kill you.' About as flat, emotionless and quiet as I could get.

Then my step father arrived and proceeded to beat the hell out of me. With his fists and feet as usual. This time was a little different tho. I fought back for the first time. I didn't win. I did get a moral victory out of it tho.

When he picked me up off the floor and then threw me against the wall it happened to be right next to the front door. He was far enough away that I got out the door before he could stop me. I was quick as a kid. ;)

He was yelling at me thru the door and trying to get it open so I hit him right through the plate glass window in the door. Then I turned around and walked off. As I was walking I noticed something dripping off of my fingers. Heh, seems I cut myself quite badly on 4 of my finger joints and it was bleeding pretty good.

I headed for the truckstop where a friend of mine worked nights and I could see what damage I'd done to myself this time. To further complicate matters my step father was driving around looking for me so everytime a car came I had to hide.

Took me awhile to make it to the truckstop but I got my fingers cleaned up, band aids on and the blood stopped. No big deal. Could have used a couple of stitches in each and I still have the scars but I got it handled.

Small problem tho as the cut on the first jopint up from the knuckle of my finger next to my pinkie finger wouldn't heal. It had something white sticking out of it and it was about as big around or a little smaller as a piece of lead from a fine lead pencil. Had a small chip of bone on it.

I didn't know what it was but my fingers seemd to work fine so I had a friend of mine go with me into the backroom at the gas station I hung out at. I used a pliers to grab the piece and stretch it out and my friend used my pocket knife to cut it off as close to the finger as he could.

Years later I founbd out from my doctor it was probably a tendon. Lol, that would explain why it doesn't straighten out to good and why I can only make the Star Trek Vulcan sign with my left hand.

Oh, yeah, my stepfather finally found me and asked me to come home about 5 days later. So there you have it, I hit my mother and I don't feel bad about it at all.

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

dont wory about it friend.....i did it too.....yesterday my mother was yelling at me...i dont kow what just hapend and i slapped her...ilove her very much, know she loves me too......we were fighting because of my uncle and aunty.....i am not talking to them
because they are so selfish..always yell at me and gossip about me at my back,i hate both of them and i dont want to talk about it any more...my mother was fighting and yelling at me to talk to them......i loose my control and in anger i slapped her in her face...GOD PLEASE FORGIVE MEE...

Anonymous said...

Don't worry about it. It was absolutely human. It doesn't look like your mother and stepfather have treated you well at all and they should be ashamed of themselves for it.

Have you considered taking it to someone who can hold them accountable for it?

They really should understand that they have been extremely unfair.

Anonymous said...

Some kind of family you have. When you beat your kid all the time you have to expect him to fight back when he's big enough to do so. Hope you'll keep out of trouble in the future. If you don't feel bad then you probably have no reason to. As always in these matters, you know better what is right and wrong. I hope you'll stay out of trouble.

Anonymous said...

I hit my mother before also out of anger because I felt like she didn't want to talk to me about how I felt inside but I love my mother and I would never hit her anymore. when ever you get angry or upset just relax and think about the good things that god has given you a life, a loving mother, a roof over your head, food to eat etc. and stop negitive thoughts because you will only end up doing something that you regrat like hitting the one you love trust me

Anonymous said...

Well, today I almost slapped the shït of my mother.. Wasn't the first "almost" time either. I sort of don't remember what happened the last time but my mother ended up staying in bed for the entire day, I suppose she cried during the night, maybe I was just hallucinating. Anyway, today I had verbal fight with her, and she picked up a pair of scissors, usually she hits me with blunt objects, though once with a bicycle chain, luckily I ran away.
Seems as if I been getting angry real easy for the past year or so... The last few years of primary school were bad, I mean, my dad was always shouting my mom, he even hit her a few times and finally, when I was about to start high school, my parents got divorced. I ended up with my dad. I don't think he knows the kind love sort of thing. Whenever I used to mess up he used to beat the crap out of me, and that's one of the reasons I started training. My dad's busted me open a few times, but after a while I enjoyed it. I felt supreme, being able to tolerate the pain and all. Side note: as a kid I was kind and compassionate, I lived for life, lived for joy, I was a people person. For the past 2 or 3 years, however, things have changed. I get super angry for no apparent reason, and when people do annoy me, I explode. last year was my final year of high school, and more than one thing changed. For the first time, I fought back when my dad hit me, still was weak though. Early this year, my dad and I had an argument, he wants me to focus on my studies instead of going over and "wasting" my time at a friend's house. So our argument turned into a fight and although I didn't throw any punched or kicks, I did lift my dad and shove him against the wall. I knew something changed then, because he just stopped pounding at me and left walked away. Ever since then, he hasn't laid a hand on me, even when he gets into a demonic rage. I started staying with my mother now and then since May 2011, a little near permanent now. Well, we don't agree on much, she doesn't like it when I annoy her but she things it's okay if she annoyes me or does stuff that I don't like even after I tell her over and over that I wish she'd stop. Sometimes I think she's crazy, but then again, I may as well be the nut in this scene. On more than one occasion I've felt this intense urge to just lift my hand and slap the shït out of her, but I know that it'll just make things worse, and instead I just throw a few curses her way and walk away, she'll throw a shoe at me or whip a belt my way, so what? I'm used to all that shït now.

IMDepressed said...

I can sympathize with you because I know how it makes you feel when your parents do things to you they shouldn't be doing.

With the amount of anger you have it seems to me it would be a great idea for you to find someone to talk to about everything that's bothering you.

I can pretty much guarantee that if you don't talk to someone you'll probably have problems with anger and relationships for the rest of your life.

My anger lead to jail many times and finally to prison. Basically it messed up my life for a very long time. I was a drunk and used a few illegal drugs and lots of marijuana to self medicate.

Then I discovered personal responsibility for ones actions and it helped a lot as it meant I wasn't responsible for what happened to me as a kid. I always thought, because my mother beat me so often and my father and stepfather also beat me now and then, that I was one of the worst people on earth. After all, if I was good they wouldn't have beat me and hurt me, would they?

Anyway, if you have time go here http://www.mentalpowerandthemind.com/mindpower/personal-responsibility/ and read that page and it will help you understand that a lot of what happened is not your fault.

However, there is seldom a good excuse for hitting anyone, particularly your parents but sometimes it's all you can do to put an end to the abuse.

anyway, read that page and find someone to talk to so you can have a lot better life.

Anonymous said...

So today I sorta hit my mom, she was just insulting me as usual and I ignored it as usual.Now take in mind I'm a 16 year old straight A girl who does everything humanly possible for her parents and gets insulted at for no reason. I started to get really angry and she was getting annoyed because I wasn't saying anything , so then she came at me to hit me and my first reaction was ti grab her hand , I was so angry I didn't realize I was digging into her skin , she told me to let go and i wouldn't because I was afraid she was going to hit me. I finally let go and she scrached me and pulled my hair, but It didn't hurt. After that I laughed and left , made a joke out of it. I never ment to hurt her and didn't she just go scratches but I feel like I did the worst thing a person can do .She hasn't talked to me .I don't know what to do , am I a horrable person?

q said...

It wasmt your fault. You are not a bad person at all.

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't worry because you were getting rage out. I would do the same to my mom as she yelled at me but i'm too chicken XD

Anonymous said...

Me and my mother just never seem to get along. I don't remember a time when me and her ever could have a simple conversation without it ending in a huge argument. It's been getting worse lately. I'm now entering into my teenage years and my tolerance level is low. She doesn't ever want to admit to the things she does but will jump at every chance to point out my flaws. So it was a normal week.me and my mother just made up from an intense argument about a week ago. She comes home and as usual starts complaining about things I did and didn't do. Which the only thing she was really yelling about was how the dishes were dirty. I don't have a problem doing the dishes but if you don't ask me I won't do them. I won't just do the dishes just because, you want me to do them then you ask me. So she keeps going on and on about two simple fucking pots and cup in the sink. And I'm silent the whole time because I know if I say something I'll get pissed and start yelling. So she starts getting angrier and then branches out to just insulting me about everything from my appearance, to how I'm a slob. I'm still silent through all of this. Then she comes into your the living room and pulls me by hair and threatens to kick me out. I see her go to punch me in the stomach so I stop her fist. By now I'm pissed off so I start to pull her hair to get her off of me. She yanks my hair pushes me in the door so I go to punch her in the stomach but I miss. Finally she got off of me and calls my step dad into the room because I tried to punch her. The whole time I'm standing there she lies and makes it seem like I just tried to hit her without reason. So I'll admit I had an adrenaline rush and I punch her dead in the face. She walks away talking about how she hates me. So my stepfather starts talking to me like I just am such a bad person. So he punches me hard in my arm. Who punches a 13 year old girl like that? So I punch him back. Obviously I'm no match for him so he punches me again in the same spot we continue punching each others arms until he finally punches me really hard in the same fucking spot. So yeah that happened. I kind of feel bad for punching my mom in the face. But I definitely hate my stepfather now and I'm planning to get rid of him.

Anonymous said...

Call me firecracker. Because I swear Thats what I am. I grew up in a broken home and mom used alot of drugs. I got hurt alot and so did my brother. I've always had the worst temper and I can't control my anger. I live with my mom and grandma plus my two kids. I can't stand my mother but at the same time I love her because she would give me the world. She says yes all the time but also drives me extremely nuts. She has these bad habits that really get under my skin. I have to constantly remind her to do things for my grandma. My grandmother has cancer and she is very old and fragile. I was mad at my mom for not being more attentive and my grandmother fell down a couple of times. I've hit my mother before. She likes to make me mad on purpose by making sny comments and pushing my buttons when I'm already upset. She knows I'm crazy because of the stuff I've been through and she knows I have the worst temper that prayer hasn't even fixed. She is constantly in my business and she is rude and loud. She lies and makes things up plus she says the wrong thing when giving advice and blurts shit out that has nothing to do with her. There is alot more I hate about her like the fact that she doesn't know how to use the timer on the stove or do simple tasks that only takes common senseto do. I get so fed up I say hurtful brutal things. She says I'm evil and after tonight I am starting to believe her. I feel horrible for wanting to hurt her. I hit her earlier and I Don't know why I couldn't walk away. Her health is failing now too and I Don't want to take care of her because of the resentment I have for her. I'm afraid one day I will really hurt her worse if I Don't get out of here. It makes me sick to know I have a mother who will give me the world but does so many irritating things to cover up the good she does. I need help. I can't talk about it with my boyfriend or my girls and I'm poor white trash so paying for counceling is not an option. Lord forgive me for wanting to hurt her so bad. Only god knows the evil in my head and I cry for thinking them. Maybe its from the way my life was. I was her favorite and she mostly beat my brother. He hated me for it but it wasn't my fault she loved me more. He hurt me because of it but he's only 1year older then me so I couldn't blame him. Her boyfriends use to hit me alot. I was abused and unprotected. My mommy never came to my rescue when they all hurt me and called me names that wiped the sweet little dreams out of my head. A little girl should be told good things. I became angry and rebellious. Smoked alot of weed and drank alot of alcohol. Screwed alot of guys. I was 14years old when I lost my cherry and I loved grown men. I didn't know that I would like to be fucked so much by grown men.they should be in jail those sick fucks. I worry for my kids. One things for sure getting raped and molested didn't turn me into a sick fuck like them but I Don't trust anybody with my kids and I get real bad flashbacks. I think of the murders I would committ if someone ever hurt my babies. They're the reason I'm still here on this fucked up planet. I hit my mom and I'm not proud of it. I would give the world back to her just to be able to get along with her and not have to battle so many demons.

Anonymous said...

I've never been on this website before, and I wouldn't normally do this, but I REALLY need to vent right now and this seems like a good place.
So my grandma has lived with my family for all my life and everything has been going fine up til recently. As the years go by, I notice she's gotten grumpier and gets angry extremely easily. So, my grandma and I are the only ones who have rooms in my basement and everyone else lives upstairs. Our rooms are separated by a long hallway. Now, I'm not a messy person. Actually, I struggle a bit with being too OCD occasionally... But I'll admit, sometimes I leave stuff laying around my room from time to time like if it's a busy week and I honestly don't have time to clean. But my grandma is absolutely OBSESSED with my room being 100% clean all the time (even if hers isn't) I have NO idea why, but every time my rooms gets out of order, she'll come in and rearrange EVERYTHING. Even the stuff that's already put away. She also doesn't hesitate to go through my personal stuff. When I come home from school, my entire room is different and I can't find anything. AND IT DRIVES ME ABSOLUTELY INSANE. like it takes me hours to organize and she just comes in and scrambles it just because "it's not to her satisfaction." Like it's not even her room. It's mine. She doesn't have to live in it. I do. Every time I tell my parents, they just say, "She just doesn't like when your room is a pig sty sweetie :))" BUT SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO GO IN THERE IF SHE DOESN'T WANT TO?!?!? It doesn't make sense. My room is where I go to be alone with myself. It's the one place I feel safe.

Anonymous said...

It's where I cry and vent and where I do most of my recovery. Anyway, one day after school, I had a rough day so I was laying on my bed just trying to gather myself, and she burst through the door and demanded I get my "lazy ass out of bed and do something." I said no and to leave me alone. I don't known what snapped in her, but she lost it. She started hitting me and kicking me with everything she had as if I had murdered someone she loved. I dodged her kicks and held onto her wrists. I told her she needed to calm down. She jerked free, pulled over an entire bookshelf, and began hitting me with books. Then my parents heard and came and pulled her away from my room. My parents had to lock her in her room for like ten minutes so she could calm down, but the next day, they acted like nothing happened. Except it did. I had the bruises to prove it. Anyway, two weeks later I came home after a horrible day at school, and my entire room was completely rearranged again. I was pissed. I was so sick of her. I stormed over to her room, walked in, and slapped her on the shoulder. Then I called her a jerk, and walked out, slamming the door behind me. The next thing I knew, I heard her run up the stairs to my mom in the kitchen. I could hear her scream how I "punched and beat" her and "called her foul names" to my mom. And my mom believed every word. So now I lost my phone for a month, am grounded from going to ballet (I had a performance coming up with me as one of the LEADING roles), and I'm grounded until further notice. Don't get me wrong, part of the reason I'm venting is because I hit my grandma and I feel really bad. But I'm also venting because I'm pissed. I'm pissed at everyone. They say I'm a slobby hormonal teen who's obsessed with her friends, dancing, and boys. That's how I might have been once, but I've changed. Not in a good way. I haven't been myself for months and they haven't noticed or cared. I stay up til 3 AM most nights crying because I can't stand the thought of having to get up the next day. I hide from my friends in the bathroom at school because I feel like I don't belong. I have to bite my tongue as hard as I can to stop myself from crying in class. Whenever I leave my house, I always get scared I'm gonna have a panic attack or a complete meltdown. Now I have to worry about it at home too.
Rant over.

Unknown said...

I am so much depressed today and guilty coz i yelled at my mom n hit her.. I love her very much. But she keeps on fighting with my grandma... And i cant tolerate that.. Coz i love both of them equally.. She was nt listening to me as i was tryn to sort out the issue between them..my mom was yelling at my grandma.. I told my mom to keep peace wid my grandma.. As she is old n mom have to compromise n adjust... But she kept on yellinh at my grandma.. To shut her mouth i hit her but slowly... N i told her to leave the house..everytn was unintentional.. I am so guilty i am cryn continuiosly.. This feeling of guilt has trapped me... I am prayh to god to forgv me.

Slice of life said...

i did more worse i slap my Grandma

Anonymous said...

it's nice to relate with people... i guess when you're depressed and stressed, it could be the worst combination ever... and basically, compared to all the stories, i can relate to the most with the grandma and ocd cleanliness, and the author's story as well. see what happened for me today, basically i was so pissed i've had it, insects were flying and coming on the food, had to change plates like three times, my mom is just standing there and not doing anything telling me to just change the plates, so i get raid which is shit btw and i spray around the insects, my mom tells me the chemicals came on the food and i cant eat it no more, so i'm so frustrated at this point after changing the plates three times already, i just spray raid on the bottom of her shirt, not a crazy amount and i spray raid on my drink because the food is already ruined, i wash the stupid dishes and tell her she sucks as a mother, and yeah i can relate too with the firecracker mom.... my mom could give me the world but she still irritates me for some reason.... she called me a failure and said id never succeed in life, had domestic violence at home because she married a sick psychopath, yeah story of my life... i hope to get help and run away with freedom. and for the raid thing, i apologized about it but she's still pissy about it, oh well i dont care enough to get on my knees and beg anymore, im tired of her bull shit

Unknown said...

I also hit my mom by mistake & I feel so bad

Unknown said...

I also hit my mom by mistake & I feel so bad

TheObserver said...

Ok so I'm 19 years old, a girl , and I've hit my mother 5 times before because she use her manipulating behavior to make me a ticking time bomb. She hit me and brother one or two times when we were children but it's still not ok for me to hit her...

Today on the other hand I hit my father in the face and spit out my sandwich on his face, he wants me to be angry and we got in an argument and I just had enough today (1 hour ago) so I did that too him. I reallly love my family and they love me but my depression and anger has gotten out of hand and now I'm in no control of my anger anymore. Imma talk to my psychiatrist and I'll get meds for my ADHD disorder so I hope it'll get better. I just hate this whole situation of them mindfucking me and me being psychical. :/

Anonymous said...

It's surprising to see so many people going through basically the same situations with their parents. I didn't hit my mom but I shoved her a few times. It's like when you have an altercation with your parents and you retaliate you give up all your rights...people over look everything and focus on your retaliation. My house is divided into 2 parts with 2 separate electricity meters. I live on the smaller side with my bro and my mom, sis, cuz & grandma lives on the bigger side. So me and my younger brother been having disagreements over the electricity usage where he plays video games all day and all night. I lost my job in august 2016 so I was no longer able to keep up with these exorbitant electricity bills my bro was racking up. I spoke with him about however 0 fucks were given about what I had to say so I decided fine when it cuts off that will be that. February 2017 light has been disconnected due to non payment. Bro is pissed. I could not care less. So I made up my mind to live without electricity as I hadn't had much options (no job) however I had to have my phones charged as my only source of technology. No laptop, vid games, no tv, no fan & no light...this has been my life since then until this day... So this is where the problem with my mom starts. She keeps unplugging my phone charger. I think it's just to annoy me. When I ask why she says "it's running up the electricity bill" and you don't contribute to electricity. Wow! My phone charger...is running up the electricity bill. I've never heard that before. Maybe because it's a lie. After doing some calculations I was able to prove to her with mathematical calculations that my charger running would cost less than $3.00 for the entire year. She dismissed that so I dismissed her and plugged my charger back in, she then came and unplugged it. I promptly plugged it back in and warned her do not touch my stuff. Just then she attempts to unplug again and that's when I snapped! I shoved her back so hard she fell then she started coming at me with punches and I shoved her again. My grandma was really disappointed in me with that...I was so frustrated it just happened. I been living without electricity for month and all I ask is to charge my phone but she wants to spite me by unplugging my stuff. Am I a bad person? I feel bad and I hope GOD will forgive me. If she doesn't forgive me that's ok, GOD's forgiveness is what matters.

anonymous said...

To be more specific about my situation I am a African American women. At the time when me and my mother had our incident I was around 14 or 15. I was the only child up until I was 6. We had a great relationship then, my mom was a single parent hard worker, never smoked, or drinked. For the most part my mom really did invest in me in the beginning. She never abused me or called me out of my name until later in life. Our relationship took a turn when my mom got married to my stepdad and she had my sister. I love all of my siblings and my stepdad to death. It’s crazy because I can’t remember the things I would do as a kid but I remember my stepdad holding my mom back from attacking me a lot of times. And I remember my mom would have rage, and hate in her eyes. Now sometimes I would get into things like lipstick or give the whole neighborhood all of my snacks. But other things I can’t recall. I do know that my mom started to resent me and I would be treated diffirently. All of my siblings have different fathers except two. I felt the siblings with different fathers were treated different. It was only four of us. I voiced my opinion a lot when I would see my mom treat any of us wrong. And talking back period was a big no no. I would eat dinner after everyone else would. I remember when my siblings would ask my mom why can’t she eat with us. I mean it was bad. I would have to walk home from places, where she would refuse to pick me up. Sometimes my bestfriend mom would come and get me. She even offered her home to stay. But I declined I knew something mentally had changed with my mom and I didn’t want to leave my siblings alone with her. I just knew she did not like me. So long story short one day we had a heated agrgument. She was divorcing my stepdad and dating someone and pretty much forgot about the kids. I voiced my opinion and the things she said about me was sooo hateful! I jumped on top of her and just started punching her. I feel horrible about that. Our relationship has been different it will never be the same. I prayed for forgiveness. But I am honestly afraid to have kids and get married because I do not want to have hate in my heart at all! Seeing all of these articles made me feel like I am not alone. This isn’t a conversation I would tell no one I am too embrassed. Honestly I feel cursed because I put my hands on my mother. I am now asking for her forgiveness to move forward with my life.