Wandering around in my head gets depressing, it's not fair.

I remember to much and I think to much. I've started trying to keep track of the time I spend, just thinking. Sometimes I think about weird things like the power of your mind or cosmic consciousness.

Sometimes I think about my past life and what I'm going to write in here. That helps me to remember incidents that have happened. Sometimes I think about how am I going to open the boxes in my mind that I have kept sealed shut for years. Opening some will be scary and depressing and possibly dangerous. They've been hidden away that long for a reason.

Most times tho I'm either trying to teach my self a new way to think via 'The Secret" which advocates how to get what you want by stating things in a positive fashion. For instance, 'I want to have a safe driving record' as opposed to 'I don't want to get a ticket'. Changing my thought process from the negative, 'I don't want' to the positive 'I do want' is working.

Most of my thinking is about what I do want to do with my life in the future. Yes, I want a pretty, skinny, intelligent woman for a great relationship and I will get that. However that's just a very small part of what I want.

Lol, I know life is not fair. Trish, the love of my life, got angry at me because she wasn't allowed to talk to me about guys she went out with but I talked to her about chicks I went out with. Sent me an angry email about how it wasn't fair. She's right, it wasn't. However it did hurt me a lot to hear about her boyfriends.

My reply to her email was as angry as hers was. Who the hell said life was fair? Who the hell said I was fair? etc. Which made her even madder so we fought more. Besides, I was getting even for her cheating on me and having someone else's baby that she told everyone was mine all thru the pregnancy. Talk about not fair.

About an hour after we finished arguing I was reading something and found an interesting quote. 'Not being able to make everything perfectly fair is no reason not to make things more fair. ' and realized I was wrong. It's one of the reasons I went on permanent vacation.

I've always tried to be fair and for me to have gone that far off from what I believed to be right was an indication of how depressed I really was and how hurt and angry at her I was. Not just at her tho.

At other chicks too. Trish has a lot of spirit and coincidentally is black, lol, and 32 years younger than me. So to get over the hurt of us breaking up, it was vicious, both times, I started going out with other black chicks. Trish wasn't from the 'hood' or the ghetto but the girls I dated after her were.

Some from Minneapolis and Atlanta but mostly from Milwaukee. Now here too. The people up north live in better houses but that's about the only difference I can see. The problems are the same, the lack of opportunity is the same, the hopelessness and despair is the same.

Even tho these girls were 30 yrs younger than me, I still met most of their parents, brothers, sisters, etc. Lol, feels a little weird being one of two white guys at a family reunion of 300. I don't know how I got talked into that.

So what's any of this got do do with my thinking to much and what I want to do in the future? Simple, I have set a goal of making 5 million dollars in the next two years. What do I want to do with the money?

Why, play the game of course. What game? The getting people to do what I want and donate money game. Right or wrong, here's the plan. If you've got a better idea tell me about it. However I know I can do this and that it's the right thing to do.

When I make enough money so I can drive fancy cars, have a fancy house and girlfriend I want to start a foundation that works exclusively with girls trying to get out of the ghetto and helps them learn to have a better life.

With the intro to rich people that I will have due to the money I have I will be able to raise a lot more money and help a lot more people. It's where most of my money will also go. I have a lot of ideas that can help. Lol, my girlfriend or wife is going to be the one out in front, not me. Semi anonymous at least or at least not the one doing the talking to the big shots and media.

I not only want to change a little corner of my world I want to change a big corner of it for other people. Some just need an emergency taken care of, some just need a ride to work, some need counseling, most need a job that pays enough to live on.

BTW, I give people here rides to work when they need them, rides to the doctor or hospital and small loans now and then. Everyone appreciates it and I even get paid back by 95%. I don't ask for gas money but every now and then someone will offer so I take it. If I refused it would hurt their dignity.

While I don't have to work, I'm not rich either. Like most people I'm on a budget and I can only do so much. However I am doing what I can do to make my little corner of the world more fair and a little nicer for me and for the people I am able to help.

That, at least, makes me feel good. Do what you can to make your part of the world more fair. It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be more fair. I know you can't help everyone but you can certainly help a friend or a neighbor who needs it. Do your part to make it more fair.