One thing more terrifying than having something bad happen

I just finished a book called Fire by Sebastian Junger. Good book and somewhat enlightening but one chapter in particular I found interesting. Yep, it's been out awhile but it's never been at the dollar store for a buck before. It's worth more than I paid for it and it's a hardcover book I'll keep for awhile.

It's got a chapter in in called Colter's Way and it's about John Colter who was a mountain man, trapper and a hunter for the Lewis and Clark expedition.

It goes on to tell about his going trapping in the Blackfeet Native American territory in Montana. How he got shot while there and went back to recuperate and as soon as he was well he went back with a partner.

More problems with the Blackfeet and he was lucky to escape with his life. Once again he went back and yet again had problems with the Blackfeet and a few men were killed at a new fort.

Finally he decided he had enough of living in the wild and headed back to the East. Got married and then died two years later. What the wild country and the Native Americans couldn't do, civilization did.

According to the book evidently the danger of being in the wild was what he thrived on. It was how he tested himself. Danger just for the sake of seeing if one can survive.

I doubt many of you have been shot at but being shot at and missed is the most exhilarating feeling in the world. Heh, so is throwing a car into a 30 mph curve at 75. So is continually driving thru the most violence prone areas of Milwaukee at 1:30 AM.

Different times and mostly different dangers but the mindset is the same. Am I good enough to survive even if everything is not in my control. Totally and absolutely dependent on ones self for ones survival. In the position where things are happening so fast yet to your mind it seems like it takes forever.

Where one little bit of unfocused attention will get you dead quick. Most of you will never experience that and I don't know whether to be glad for you or sad for you. It makes you feel truly alive and that shouldn't be missed but it's also damn foolishness.

OTOH I've been involved in a lot of damn foolishness in my life and still am occasionally. Can't seem to go for to long a time without that adrenaline rush. I have no doubt about my ability to win or control every situation I get into. Heh, I'm sure some day it will get me killed but I'm also sure that if or when it happens I'll be dying happy and full of adrenaline.

I'm going to end this with a long quote from the book that will explain it all better than I ever could. MOF it kinda reminds me of a child seeking attention. If they can't get positive attention for doing good things they'll do some bad things because even negative attention is better than no attention at all.

Funny but a 23 month old reminded me of that the other day. I wasn't paying attention to her at all nor was she successful at getting my attention in a nice way. So she went right to something she knew would get her in trouble. Then she got some attention. Now I try to give her positive attention every time I see her, daily.

Here's the quote.

"None of these men had become trappers against his will; to one degree or another they'd all volunteered for the job. However rough it was, it must gave looked better than the alternative which was-in one form or another-an uneventful life passed in society's embrace. For people like Colter, the one thing more terrifying than having something bad happen must have been to have nothing happen at all."

I can relate to that in a big way. I learned something about myself reading that and it explains totally why I kept, and still keep, putting myself in situations where something bad is pretty sure to happen. Sheesh, I go out of my way to do it.

I'm old enough to know it's foolish and, evidently, to bored to care. Better something bad than nothing at all.

Simple.