Saturday, September 8, 2007

Boring, boring, boring and a few insights

No sidetrips today. Heh, if there are they will be short ones. Writing this stuff about my life is one of the most boring things I've ever done. It's also given me lots more insights as to why I make the decisions I do about almost everything.

Which leads to the natural question, if I know why I have always done something how do I change it so it quits hurting me now? Hmmm, wonder what my highest priority should be? Which makes the next question.

Will I live long enough to make the hardness of making, or attempting to make, major changes in how I do things even be worth the effort? You see, I'm a dumbass of the highest order so I'm going to have a shortened life span.

I've got fairly severe COPD and a spinal problem at C6. I've smoked for 52 years. I'm trying to quit but I doubt quitting is going to help much. Heh, I found out exactly how much I can do today. Not to bad or at least not as bad as I thought.

I can carry 7 gallons of milk on two 50 foot trips. IOW 14 gals total, we were unloading the truck. I was coughing a little and breathing was hard but if I'd had to I could have made one more trip before I collapsed. I made the lady I was helping, mad. Hey, she's 6.5 months pregnant and having problems. Let her get mad at me. ;)

C6 happened when I fractured a vertebrae in my neck. Duh, that's why they call it C6. Anyway, I carried concrete blocks one day and it turned out my muscles were stronger than the bone. Lol, just the usual case of stubbornness. Even after I couldn't use my left arm I still carried them, just one at a time instead of two.

Hmmm, I've had 4 Dr. diagnosed concussions, 1 severe and probably 5-7 more that I didn't bother with going to the doctor for. Currently, most of my left forearm is numb, all fingers too but thumb and first two fingers are the worst. I learned not to check hot tub temperatures with that hand. Oh well, enough with the body damage.

I should probably warn you that my life was moments to months of high adrenaline and long boring periods in between. More boring moments than you can really imagine. More boring than I imagined. Then again I was a huge drunk so I bored easily and didn't get adrenalized very easy.

So while things you might want to read more about, beatings, mental abuse, sexual abuse and all of it happening on a regular ongoing basis I don't write all of it. As I said before, just imagine it happening on almost a daily basis with the beatings. I'm not going to describe all of them in great detail.

Mostly my life was as boring as everyone Else's and filled with just a bit more drama. I ate, slept, fished, read, got beat, stole, teased girls and everything else an almost normal teenager does. Lol, except for the abuse and the alcoholic parents I pretty much had the same life as everyone else. BORING.

At least it was to me. Heh, I first learned that you could go outside your body and watch what was happening, when I was 8. The western belt buckle and not crying incident. I can do it intentionally now and then. Some days it's easy and some days I can't do it at all. Heh, one of the maids at the motel caught me the other day when I wasn't where I really was. Immediately recognized it too. Weird. Have to ask her about it.

Both of my parents worked. Had to so they could pay for all of the beer. Costs a lot of money to be a drunk who wants to put on airs. Usually had decent jobs and was ambitious too. Heh, I became the drunk and my sister took on airs. My sister and I were left alone, a lot. No daycare back then.

Evidently I have quite diverse interests too. I'm watching NASCAR on one channel and the women's finals at the US Open on the other channel. Irritates me my remote doesn't have a recall button. Oh well, I remember before remotes.

That's my biggest problem. I remember.


Anonymous said...

There's plenty of people out there that were born on third base and strut around thinking they hit a triple.

At least you bother to look for insights and try to make changes, do the right thing.

It's not where you end up. It's how far you traveled in the right direction to get there.

IMDepressed said...

I can't NOT look for insights. I'm like a two yr old in lots of respects. Why,...why,...why? Somedays I really don't like the answers I uncover.

I can accept the responsibilty for my actions because I made the decisions but it really irritates me that I make the decisions subconciously based on how I was raised and what fears that upbringing caused and how I've let them mess up my life.

There's still a big difference in knowing and fixing the problem tho. The only thing I can't control near as well as I'd like is the irritation in my voice and my anger.

However I use my anger as a way to make me stronger in some area's.

Heh, at least I'm not a perfectionist anymore.