Friday, August 17, 2007

Surreal life to some but it's all true and depressing

Lol, it wasn't surreal to me, it was just life. Daily life at that. I couldn't begin to put down everything that happened or that was done to me or the times I was left alone with a baby I wasn't capable of caring for at the age of 3 or 4. So many oddities and weird things have happened to me that I coined a word for them . Weirdities.

By the time of the bus depot in Fairmont I'd been molested over 100 times. Boring to put it all down over and over and over again. The physical beatings didn't bother me after the belt incident. The emotional abandonment and the damage that caused was worse. Still messes up my relationships.

What really pisses me off about that is I know it and yet I keep doing the same things. Many times. Over and over. Fits the definition of insane. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

I have a huge fear of abandonment and I deal with it by not letting anyone get close to me or not letting myself get emotionally involved. If they get to close I do something to push them away. Considering I date chicks with the same problems it makes for some intense but stormy relationships that don't last long.

Just this last two weeks I was dating two different women. Both older than my usual 20 somethings as I wanted to see if it was me or the younger chicks I was dating. One was 40 and one was 54. Liz, 54, was so emotionally needy and clingy that I couldn't deal with it at all. She tried to give me several things the very first meeting. A blanket, a CD and a picture. I saw her twice just to make sure it wasn't first time jitters. The second time she tried to give me more stuff and just wouldn't let go off me or stay off of me.

Liz is a nice lady, just so desperate for someone, anyone, to care about her that she pushes everyone away with her neediness. I can't do needy at all. Feels like I'm being bought with gifts.

Actually reminds me of my mother and what she used to try to do after she'd beat me so badly. Then she hold me and ask me if I wanted to go to a movie, get some Coke or Pepsi, get some candy, go to the lake, etc. IOW trying to buy me off for beating me. You just can't buy me with anything. Not even sex.

The second chick is Char. Greedy, grasping and manipulative. Naturally Char attracted me more because she didn't need me. However she didn't last long. 4 dates and 3 times hanging out at my place. Char wanted all of the perks of being a girlfriend or wife without giving anything back.

One of those people who think that everything they have is theirs and everything you have is theirs too. Plus those types of people have the audacity to get pissed when you assert yourself and let them know that what's mine is going to stay mine unless we are boyfriend and girlfriend.


When you are at my place I'll share almost anything I have with you. However I won't give you things to take with you to share with and impress your friends. Bummer, she didn't like that. Char thought because I'm older and nice I was also stupid and weak. She also thinks she's a great scammer.

She was wrong on all counts. I can predict her behavior with 100% accuracy. So I played with her for a week until I got bored and tired of it. Lol, she actually tried to teach me a lesson by staying out all night and when she called the next morning I told her all of her stuff was in my backseat and to come and get it. Checkmate, you lose. Bummer. Bye.

Funny thing is for as smart as Char is about manipulating people I told her exactly what she needed to do if she wanted me to get attached to her and emotionally involved. She couldn't do it, not even to get the things she wanted.

It's a long story but I've only met one female who was smart enough to play me, get everything she wanted and yet never ask for a thing. She was so good at it that it took me a couple of months to figure it out. Even then it would have never come together but she asked me a question one day.

She always shut her phone off when she was with me. Always. Naturally I noticed that she wasn't always on the phone but I thought it was just a coincidence or she had told her friends not to call. I never mentioned it so one day she asked me if I'd noticed she never got calls.

Told her yes and then she explained that she knew it made me feel good to be the complete focus of her attention. That she had learned from another chick that it drives me crazy to be with someone and have them be on the phone constantly with someone else. She had also learned that asking me for things wasn't likely to get her those things.

Guess what. Now when I want a chick I make a big show of turning off my phone so we aren't interrupted. Funny but I don't get enough calls anymore to worry about it but it makes them feel really important and chicks like that. I never, ever mention it but I make sure she sees me shut it off.

So she paid lots of attention to me, held my hand driving, in stores, out her arm around me and walked, etc. Would cuddle with me watching TV and in bed. When she saw something she wanted when we were shopping she'd casually mention that she liked it or wished she could afford it, etc. She spent her own money on necessities for herself and never asked me to pay for any of it.

Can you believe that when I knew she liked something I'd wait a few days and then get it for her and give it to her. Lol, got lots of hugs and affection for that. Even after I knew what she was doing I didn't stop. She was just that good and I craved the attention and the praise. She made me feel like she really cared about me and maybe she did. I don't know.

I still like her, she still likes me but she's not in my call list and she doesn't have my number. Haven't talked to her since February. I miss her but she's dangerous to my emotions so I don't want to get any closer to her than I was. Besides, I'm waiting patiently for Trish to come to her senses. Playing with others but still waiting.

Freaking Trish made me vulnerable again, made me want to live, made me want to have a future with her and made me have emotions again. Given our history I know exactly what will happen. Given the rules I live by I know exactly what I'll do.

Trish will eventually decide she can't dominate me and will eventually contact me and be very reliable. However she will wait to long and I'll be emotionally involved with someone else and I won't drop the one I'm with and go to her. No matter how much I want her and want to be with her it wouldn't be the right thing to do.

Then Trish will try even harder and eventually it will cause me problems with whoever I'm involved with and I'll end up leaving her. Then Trish and I will get together for a while until she decides shes the dominate one, again, and we'll end up back where we are now. Emotionally stupidity at it's finest.

I really dislike emotions because they make me indecisive, foolish, angry, needy and I act just like normal people because of them. They make me stupid and out of control. I hate that.

Anyway, my life doesn't seem surreal to me, it's just how it was. Weird things have happened in my life and yet I've never seen them as weird. Everyone else does but I see them as absolutely normal. Now when I get involved with someone I warn them upfront that weird stuff happens when I'm around.

Lol, keep reading this and you'll eventually see what I mean.

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