Saturday, June 23, 2007

Pain, stress, depression and the mind

For some reason I've been in more than the usual amount of pain for the last few days. It hurts my legs to walk and they hurt just sitting still. No comfortable position at all. Elbows, forearms and hands are the same way.

No clue what's causing it, well, a couple of medical problems, but the pain is beyond the usual scope of increase. Hopefully it's the weather. I've had arthritis for years but have been able to mostly ignore it or get by with ibuprofen.

I've got a very high pain threshold, lol, perhaps that's why, even at my size, I won so many fights with people bigger than me. I could ignore more damage than most people. Point is I'm up to Tylenol 3s and most people would be getting some really heavy duty pain killers. So why don't I?

Because then I can't function as I want to. Short term, no problem, long term, big problem. If you can't function as you want to what is the point of being alive. Then again, a permanently altered reality might be very interesting.

Then maybe I wouldn't have feelings and memories. Particularly ones I can't seem to suppress anymore. Now there's a whole nother subject. Suppressed memories almost always filter thru the subconscious first.

Anyway, the pain interferes with suppression of feelings and memories. Now I'm learning to replace the bad memories with good memories. Which in theory won't cause as much stress which equals less pain which equals less concentration required to control the rest.

Lol, I know I'm not going crazy because I question the sanity of it but now I'm substituting made up memories and making them real enough so my subconscious will believe them and act on them rather than the true memories.

IOW I'm building a new reality, small memory by small memory. I wonder if it will become real enough that I actually believe it. Denial is a very strong fault that could be put to good use. Now there's a subject I'm going to have to look up. Something I know absolutely nothing about. Actual memory replacement.

Funny that writing all of this depressing stuff is actually helping me. Oh well, it gets less depressing, to me at least because in a couple of weeks I'll have chronologically aged to where things get to be fun. Lol, I turned 13 in 1960. Sex, drugs and rock and roll. Ban the bomb, burn your bra and free love.

I had a wild time.

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