Suicide and my depression today

Perhaps my depression isn't getting better as fast as I thought it was. Thoughts of suicide entered my head again today, much to my surprise. That hasn't happened for a couple of weeks. Today really wasn't any different than any other day. Oh, a couple of little things but nothing to cause thoughts of dying and nothing I couldn't handle.

As usual I got up, worked on the net for a bit, watched the news, went over to have coffee with mom and baby T. So far so good and the usual routine. Today it just happened to be raining but so far that was the only difference. Coffee with mom and baby T went well, as usual.

Went to Wal-mart to get gas, lol, now the price of gas is depressing but hey, gas prices have been depressing since hurricane Katrina or even long before that. I'm old so I remember CHEAP gas. I once paid 11 cents a gallon in Omaha during a gas war however gas was only 17 cents a gallon when there was no gas war.

I filled my car up and went to leave and the car started and then died like it was flooded. I tried to start it for about 5 minutes and then pushed it away from the pump. Considering Wal-mart has a car repair I wasn't to worried about it and the plan was if it didn't start to walk the 50 yards and have them fix it. Not a real problem and I had a solution so I wasn't worried about it/

Finally the car started and I drove off in the rain. I was headed in search of some good cheeseburgers and had heard of a cafe in a town 10 miles away that supposedly had great cheeseburgers. I headed off to find the place and when I got there I'd forgotten the address. No big deal as I could get it and go tomorrow.

Drove back to town and stopped at DQ for hot dogs and a banana split and headed back to my room at the motel. So far a average day and nothing had even really irritated me. Went back into my room, straightened out where the PC and stuff goes as the maid had cleaned and then sat down on the bed. When I sat down the thought that I'd be glad when I died popped into my head.

Then the thoughts got worse instead of better and I decided I'd better take a Xanax and get my mind to shut up. In an odd way I suppose that's progress. I recognized the problem and took something to correct it or at least help with it. I didn't wallow in it as I sometimes do.

I ate and then took a nap. Now that I'm awake again I'm trying to figure out why the suicidal thought popped into my head. I still don't know why the thoughts happened but I did some meditation on things I'm grateful for and did more stress reduction things. Weird but I have very little stress.

Things are going quite well, I'm happier than I've been in quite some time and I thought I was getting better. Now I have to wonder if it was all an illusion or if this is a temporary setback. I don't know and only time will tell. I do know I'm well enough now not to like those thoughts of suicide popping up. I suppose that's progress.

I have a purpose in life now that I didn't have a few months ago. I have a plan about 3/4ths formulated to reach my goals and in fact have already started working on it. I have some nice friends that I didn't have before and I'm happier so where the hell did the thought come from and why?

Perhaps I'm over reacting to the thought of suicide that I had but it did come as a surprise. I'll continue what I'm doing, take my anti depressants and be grateful that I am a lot better than I was a month ago and one hell of a lot better than I was at the end of February. Still, the thought of being better off dead, again, doesn't make me very happy. At least now I'm strong enough to resist the thought and work on fixing it.