Sunday, May 6, 2007

Back on track with depression

As I said I ran wild in Sioux City. There was a Sunshine store across the street, it's a grocery store, that had the first donut making machine I'd ever seen. It would drop them into the hot grease and they inner part would turn. When they were half way around the machine would flip them over and when they came to the exit it would flip them out and then start another one. It cooked 10 at a time or at least there were always 10 going around.

That machine just fascinated the hell out of me. The clerks were mostly female and the first few times I was watching they ran me off but after that they let me watch as long as I wanted. Lol, I was so fascinated they probably thought I was retarded or something.

Every now and then they would give me a broken donut and I really loved those things. Every penny I could get went towards donuts. Plain were two for a nickle and chocolate iced were each a nickle. Naturally I liked the chocolate iced the best. 50 years later and I can still get hungry for those donuts and if the machine was anywhere around I expect I'd go watch it.

There was a creek behind the store and it went underground in some large cement tubes. It was about 20 feet down from street level and the city had a ladder that went straight up and down the wall to get down to the creek bed. Us kids weren't supposed to play there but we always did. I was the first one to go a long ways down the concrete tunnels. It was cool in there when it was hot outside.

When ever we got caught down there we would get in trouble but none of us really cared. It was probably dangerous but that made it more attractive and exciting instead of scary. Lol, it only scared our parents. After we moved it flooded and came up the stairs about 8 feet toward my grandparents apt.

There was also a red shield boys club a few blocks away. I had quite a few fights there because I was the new kid but after another new kid moved in that stopped. It was farther than I was allowed to go but I didn't care, I went anyway. Heh, I went miles away and my mother and grandparents never knew it.

I've been a wanderer since the first time I ran away from home at age 4. I'd seen more place by the time I was 16 than most people would see in their lifetimes but people also didn't travel much back then. More about that later tho as that's a bit in the future.

Sioux City, IA and Fairmont, MN are probably the two places I was happiest in as a kid. I was pretty much left alone to do my own thing in both places.

I think my love of wandering is why I like to go for walks with baby T because it's so cool to watch her discover new things and places. She finds something new even tho we walk the same area all the time. Now I'm trying to teach her the names of things.

Anyway, I like to think I felt like she does when I was wandering and discovering new things. I came from a small town with nothing much happening except trains so the world was a marvelous place to me. Particularly when I could get away from adults at the same time.

I was independent as hell and more self reliant than a lot of adults I knew and I could take better care of myself than some of them. More than one shrink has told me people would like me a lot better if I wasn't so damned independent and self reliant.

The unfortunate thing is I had to learn to be that way as a kid or die. I'm to damn stubborn to die til I get ready to and I've seldom asked anyone for help with anything. When I did ask I paid them for helping. I did what I had to do to keep my sister and me as good as I could. Adults never helped or seldom helped so who was I going to ask. So, like the song says "I learned to depend on me."

Even tho I know I should ask it's really hard for me to do. Even with the chick I love so much. Damn I hate her. ;) You'd think I'd do it so people would like me better but that never made any difference to me. Could be it's a part of my fear of rejection or abandonment too. Lol, there's another thing damn few people know about me and would be astonished to find out.

Heh, I once told my ex wife, when she told me I needed her, that I didn't NEED her and we were together because I wanted her but I didn't NEED her. Got a call from her shrink to explain that one so she could explain it to my ex. The shrink got it right away but it took two weeks to get my ex to understand it. Perhaps that's why we're divorced.

I don't remember having any depression while I lived in Sioux City and that's probably why I have good memories of the place.

No comments: