The story of my depression continues.

Lol, no, I won't get sidetracked today.

When we moved from behind my grandmothers house to a bigger place the only thing that changed was I didn't get sexually molested as often. The physical and mental abuse continued at the same rate. Not to belabor the pint but it continued pretty much at the same rate until I got big enough and scary enough to make it stop but that's still a few years in the future.

I did forget one thing tho. My great grandmother lived next to my grandmother. Nice lady but older than dirt. She did have this huge asparagus patch about 20 feet by 20 feet that I could hide in. Lots of bugs in the center of it but I stomped out an area I could sit in and I would take books in there to read while I hid from the adults. While the bugs bit a lot they weren't near as hard to take as the adults abusing me were. Funny, no one ever knew I used that as a hiding spot.

After we moved I had even more hiding spots I found in that area of town. I liked being alone then and I still require large amounts of time alone but I don't like being alone as much now. Being alone was purely a defense mechanism as it still is.

Until T came along I had been quite successful at not having emotions or letting them come to the surface. She brought things out in me I never knew existed anymore and as usual they caused pain. However in the beginning they caused more happiness and joy than they caused pain. For that reason I'm trying to learn to accept them and manage them now.

Lol, back to the topic. One day my dad talked to me and told me he thought my mother was going to runaway and take my sister and I with her. He told me to resist her and to runaway from her if I had to but not to go with her.

Now being a kid I knew they had problems, I knew my dad beat her and I knew she wasn't doing what she was supposed to be doing. What I couldn't figure out was, why, if she was going to run away, why she going to make me go along. She didn't want me so why force me to go. I know the reason now but I didn't then.

Eventually what my dad had told me, happened. I did my best to get away from her, I ran away from her, I hid and I fought against her when she put me in the car. I tried to jump out while it was moving but in the end she won. She was still to big for me to have any chance of dealing with her.

So we moved to Sioux City, Iowa. Into one of the poorest parts of town. I never saw my grandmother again for 4 or 5 years and I did see my father once in that time. A lot of things happened in Sioux City and those are stories for another day. Writing this stuff brings up a lot of bad memories and I don't want to deal with them today so I'm stopping here.

I'm in a good mood, I'm sorta happy and life is looking pretty fair for a change. It would look a lot better if I could find a chick I was interested in who was available. Heh, could be that I'm just to picky in that area but after rediscovering I still have emotions I don't want to waste them on someone who is going to cause nothing but pain.

While I'd be quite happy to have a loving caring relationship it's not my highest priority nor am I desperate to have one. My peace, calmness and tranquility still come first.