In the last couple of weeks I've mad a lot of decisions that are going to give me a better future. Yes, I know, experts say you shouldn't make major life decisions when you are seriously depressed. Having done things my own way all of my life I'll do depression and decisions my own way too.
Lol, that's one of the two or three songs I want played at my funeral or memorial service. "My Way" by Frank Sinatra. I've been successful at many different things and I've done them the way I wanted, not the way the experts said but MY WAY. Just as I will do them for the rest of my life.
It's possible that I may be deluding myself about my depression getting better but I don't think so and the bottom line is that's all that matters. Remember, it's my reality and it's my mind and I can do with it whatever I think it's capable of. What my mind believes is all that counts. What you believe of me does not matter. What you expect of me does not matter. What I expect of myself is what matters.
Now I don't know which decision was the biggest or the best as I made a lot of them. I decided to move from an area I'd lived in for the last 12 years. I decided to end my relationships with the girls I was dating because I was letting them influence me in a negative way. I decided to stop dating girl like them and start attracting a different type of person into my life. I changed the direction of my business. I decided on a purpose for the rest of my life. I decided to be more friendly and understanding of people. I also decided one other important thing. I'm going to have everything in my life that will make me happy.
One other little thing, I decided that I'm going to have plenty of money to be able to do what I want and a percentage of that money is going to go to help people who want to help themselves. No, not as charity. I don't really believe in charity as helping, except in emergencies. What I do believe is people take advantage of charity and get lazy about their own lives and want someone to take care of them.
I don't believe in taking care of people but I do believe in helping to teach them to take care of themselves. Like the old saying goes, give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. There are people who feel as hopeless and as helpless as I did as a kid and those are the people I want to help.
It's really that simple. No one was there for me and I want to be there to help whoever I can help with what I know. IOW I want to be a teacher. Not your conventional teacher like you have in school of college because the things I know, you don't learn there. Nor will I be teaching conventional students but in general teaching people who know all about the school of hard knocks.
As a general rule these are hard people to reach and to deal with. They know of you are full of crap, if you've been where they are, if you are all flash no cash and if you talk the talk or walk the walk. They immediately know if you understand and know or if you just understand. A psychologist understands but doesn't know. Understanding without knowing isn't really understanding.
I had a shrink once, yep court appointed, who tried to explain life to me, who told me how I should live, what decisions I should have made in certain situations and in general why my life was all messed up. He didn't know one damn thing about me or the situations. He'd never been in a life or death situation, he'd never been hungry, he'd never lacked anything, he'd never been homeless, he'd never been anything at all but a college educated idiot.
Everything he thought he knew about life he'd learned from a book and he wanted to apply what he'd learned from the book to everyone, in the same way. This man who people looked up to had never lived a life yet he wanted to tell me how to live mine. He may have understood but he sure didn't have a clue. Of course what would you expect from someone 55 years old who still lived with his mother and had all of his life. He lived with her even while he went to college.
There was no way he could help me because I knew he didn't know what he was talking about. If you haven't been there then it's all abstract and you don't understand the problems in most cases. The people I want to help feel like no one else understands. Well I do because I've been there, done that.
Why have I decided to do the things I've decided to do? Because they will make me feel good and feeling good will make my life better. Helping others will help me be happier and that will be a good thing.
So what made me change my life so radically in the depths of a depression? Just one thing and it came at exactly the right time. I'd been trying to explain what I believe, to one person, for as long as I've know her. Particularly in the area of making ones own reality and what and who you allow into that reality. We've had many a fight over this and we aren't speaking now. I have refused to speak with her until she meets my standards for being in my reality. I love her but I don't much like her because she is so damn unreliable and manipulative and full of drama.
When I watched the videos for "The Secret" I had at last found something she would be able to understand. All the things I believe possible, all the things I've believed for a long time and could never explain adequately. All the things I wanted her to understand about life. So I sent her the url to the videos and the lessons and told her when she finished them whether she understood them or not I would speak with her again.
She's a smart girl and she will understand. Lol, I took out insurance tho and told her she had to answer questions for me to prove she'd read the lessons and watched the videos. I know she has them on her computer as I had uploaded them to my own server and she was the only one with the url. Checking server stats I now who visited, what time, where they came from and a lot of other things. So I know she has them.
The things she will learn will change her life just as applying what I know has changed mine. What influenced me so much? You can check out the secret by clicking here I hope you read it, understand it and apply it to your own life. Hopefully you will have some of the same revelations I did.
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Funny, after I posted the blog I went and looked at stats again just out of curiousity. She'd been looking at her page again about an hour before I checked stats.
She's good at games so she could be playing. Lol, I also know she's saving my emails because she gets to the page from a link in email. I guess time will tell what we are going to be to each other, if anything.
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