Monday, March 19, 2007

Schools, intelligence and depression

While I was beaten and molsted all of the summer before I stared school so I couldn't wait to start school. If nothing else it was going to get me out of the house and to a place where I wouldn't be hurt. Life was going to be better going to school than it was going to be at home.

Guess what? School had a major problem with me. The way I'd been raised and was being raised none of their rules scared me. Besides, it was kindergarten so what could go wrong. Lol, everything could go wrong. While I wasn't truly disruptive I was the toughest kid in my grade and also one of the smallest.

Then they discovered another bad thing. Not only was I the toughest, I was also the smartest. To be honest with you I don't believe being labeled smart is a good thing. My brain never quite worked the way other peoples did and I didn't see things the same way other kids did. To put it simply, I didn't quite fit the mold the school had nor was I like the other kids.

Don't get me wrong, I liked going to school but I was radically different. I spent 58 years wondering what made me so different from other people. Why I could see things they couldn't and why I couldn't make them understand.

To digress a bit here, I finally found out last year why I was different, why I had/have no patience with people. I've had a lot of court ordered personality tests and when the net came along I took a few on the net too. One day I stumbled across this place and they have a test which will tell you what type of temperment or persnality you have.

"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away. " —Henry David Thoreau

Not only don't I hear the same drummer as everyone else I don't even come close to hearing the same band and very, very few hear the drummer I hear. I discovered that being intelligent wasn't my only problem but this explained it to me. Unfortunately for me less han 1 in 100 people have these same traits.

I can not only see plan A in it's entirety, at the same time I can also see most of the permutations of plan A and at the same time see plan B, C and D. Some of this is done with intuition and some of it is done with knowledge. To put it simply I an see a master plan and all the backup plans and possibilities very easily. I almost always have a plan and a backup and a bckup for the backup. They just spring full blown, into my mind.

The problem with that is it's very difficult for me to explain to other people how I arrive at the conclusions I do or to even justify, in a way they can understand, what I do. People almost always laugh at me because I'm different but what they don't realize is I'm laughing at them because they are all the same.

Once again, a shrink told me I was on the outside looking in and wanting in and I took exception to that. To me the people on the inside were/are locked in and behind walls and I was outside of their walls and free to go in any direction I wanted to go. They were in societies version of prison because they all conformed. Sheep!

Anyway, school discovered that I was very smart. with all of heir stupid tests they determined that I had an IQ of 140. Argh, now they had high expectations because I was 5 points over genius level on their charts. I suspect I'd be much happier if I was less smart and my brain couldn't do the things it can do in problem solving or seeing solutions or being able to make decisions.

That was also very depressing and I suspect is part of what causes my depression now. Still no one understands me and I seldom take the time to explain anymore.

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