Sunday, March 18, 2007

molested more, beaten more and even more depresed

After my uncle found out I told and my mother didn't believe me it got even worse. He would be after me 3 or 4 times a week. Problem was he was showing me the affection I craved and I liked that part of it.

Funy but to this day I still crave affection. I've very sensitive to voice tone, the way females look at me, body language and I pick up instantly on anything at all that feels remotely like rejection. It's messed up a lot of relationships and probably will continue to do so.

The fact that I know this and my big mouth automatically responds instead of my brain being even remotely involved is depressing in itself. I've treid everything I can to control this but so far nothing has worked. Count to 10, yeah right, my mouth goes before I can even begin to think of counting. It seems the only emotion I can't control very well is my verbal anger and I try. Dear god, I try so hard.

Anyway, life continued on, I was still responsible for my sister, I was still getting beaten regularly and I was getting molested regularly. Nothing much else happened besides the usual until I started school. Then once again it gets worse as they discovered something that I didn't view as a good thing.

My sister on the other hand had a much better life than I did. Normal as she was the favorite, besides, I was taking care of her. I had 3 pair of pants, 3 shirts and 3 sets of socks and underwear. She had tons of clothes and even more toys. Heh, most of my toys were homemade and hers came from the store. If I was lucky, on my birthday and at Christmas my grandmothers would buy me a toy to play with.

The one thing that I loved at my grandma's place was all the books she had. She was the one responsible for teaching me to read easy books before I ever went to school. My youngest uncle was a comic book fanatic and I loved to read them also. I could sit and read them for hours. Reading was something I could go hide and do. If I was out of sight no one could beat me or molest me. So I learned to spend a lot of time alone and be quite comfortable with it.

I still require a lot of time alone and this really irritates some of the girls or women I go out with. However it's the only way I know to keep from being hurt. Not that any of them ever hurt me on purpose but remember I'm very sensitive to any kind of perceived rejection. I've thought for most of my life I should have been a hermit. Still feel that way most of the time and if I could ever get over the craving affection I would be just that, a happy old hermit who doesn't need anyone for a thing.

Lol, Dr. Phil would have a lifelong project with me. For some people there is a quick fix, I fear for me there is no fix at all. I can help other people with their problems, find solutions that will work for them and help them to have better lives but I sure as hell can't do the same thing for me. I don't know why that is but that's how it is.

Here's another song I love. It's by Whitney Houston and one part of it describes me exactly. I'll give you the url in a second at youtube. the part I love about this stars with "everyone is searching for a hero" and ends with "no matter what they take from me they can't take away my diginity"

I stated before that I am not a leader nor do I want to be but I did learn one thing and that was to never walk in anyones shadow. To be me, whether that me was a good me or a bad me. I am the absolutely most independent person I know. I don't need anyone to do anything for me and never have. Something I also learned the summer I was 4.

Shrinks tried to tell me if I would let people do things for me like small favors or ask for help now and then people would like me better. They never seemed to get it that my whole personality was/is designed to keep people away from me as all people ever did to me was hurt me. Why would I want more people around to do that?

If I had to guess I'd say I'm only about 80% domesticated. The other 20% is more like taking in a wolf pup. You might be able to train it somewhat but it's still going to bite and be a bit mean now and then. It's a wild animal that has a bit of domestication but can revert to what it was at any time and for what seems like no reason.

Oh well, I keep trying to be better. I even tried once to be normal for about 12 years but in the end failed miserably at that too. Lol, one thing I'll never be is normal. That might be depressing but it's also the way it is.

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