Friday, March 16, 2007

Molested, threatened, unbelieved and beaten

I really don't want to write this but it's neccessary if I'm going to be truthful about my life. A little self medication helps tho so I will get throught it but I expect I'll be getting very drunk tonight as I hate these memories as they are depressing as hell. At least it's only 100 yards to the bar and back so I won't be driving.

I told you on a previous page that I ran away when I was 4 years old. I didn't tell you why. It wasn't the physical or mental abuse or even the horrendous responsibility of being totally responsible for my baby sister. Nope, I'd learned to live with that.

So what happened? Well, my paternal grandmother lived in front of our house, which didn't make a good garage a few years later but that's another story. Her house was about 100 feet in front of ours. She was the only person in my life who cared about me and what happened to me and actually seemd like she liked me.

My grandmothers house was a safe place for me because she didn't allow anyone to physically abuse me there. However.....I was at her house because my parents had taken the princess somewhere and left me home alone. I wasn't supposed to leave the house but whenever I got the chance I would sneak up to my grandmas and just be relaxed.

She saw that I was very sleepy and told me to go upstairs and take a nap. So I did. After a few minutes my uncle came up to check on me and asked if he could take a nap with me. Like a trusting dumbass I said sure. He took off all his clothes until he was naked and then got into bed with me. I remember asking him if he always went to bed that way and he said yes, it was more comfortable and told me I should try it.

I said okay so he undressed me and we both laid back down and I tried to fall asleep. After a bit my uncle pulled me over closer to him and held me. To me it felt great to have an adult want to hold me and it felt good. When no one cares about you anything remotely caring feels good and you don't object to it at all.

He laid there for a while and I coould feel something hot on my leg. I didn't know what it was but was warm and hard and hadn't been there before. I could also feel him rocking me a little bit and that felt good too. When I asked him what the hard warm thing was he told me to turn over and look so I did and I couldn't believe it.

I'd never seen a hard penis before and asked him what happened. So he told me some BS and then told me when I got bigger mine would do that too. Then he asked if I wanted him to see if he could make mine hard too and I said sure. So he started touching me and playing with my little balls and that felt really good but it didn't make me hard.

Then he told me if he kissed it a little it might make it hard so he started kissing my penis and then licking me and then sucking me. After a little when it didn't get hard he turned and laid on his back and asked me if I wanted to touch his to see what it felt like. So I reached over and toouched it with one finger and he said no, use my whole hand and touch him everywhere he had touched me. So I did.

Eventually he took my hand and wrapped it around his penis and started moving it up and down and a few minutes later this white stuff shot out and scared me. I had no clue what it was and he started laughing and told me it was okay and it was what was supposed to happen.

Then he lost interest in me and told me to go to sleep and to keep what we had just done our secret and if I kept it a secret we could do it again. I sked why it had to be a secret and he got mad at me and told me just because it was between him and me. When I asked if it was a bad thing he said no but if I told anyone he'd hurt my mom and dad. Told him go ahead, hurt them real bad because I'd like to see them hurt the way they hurt me.

Obviously he knew that one wasn't going to work so he told me if I told he'd hurt my grandmother. That one I didn't want to happen so I finally said okay I'd keep it a secret. The way he'd acted tho I knew it was a bad thing. He left and I went to sleep.

When I woke up I remembered everything and didn't know what to do next so when my parents got home I did the stupdist thing I could. I told my mother what had happened. She called me a lying little bastard who was nothing but a troublemaker who should have never been born. Then she beat me until she got tired. Later when I said something she beat me again and called me names. Nothing major tho because I was used to it.

I seldom got spanked when I was a kid. Spankings would have been a welcome thing. I got beat and I don't mean with an open hand, belts, fists, feet, peices of wood, tree branches or whatever else was handy. I mean beaten until I was almost close to being out and I'm not sure that I wasn't unconcious more than once but I have no memory of that. Just of being severely beaten on an almost daily basis and some times more often each day.

So at four I ran away and when brought back and beaten, tried to commit suicide. Wouldn't you have done the same thing? This stuff gets so really boring, the beatings happened so frequently I'm not going to tell you about everyone of them or this would take more years than I have left and they just all sort of run together anyway. Suffice it to say that the mildest beating my mother ever game me, if done today, would cause her to be stripped of any parental rights and she'd be in jail for at least 10 years. the worst one she'd have probably gotten a lot more time for.

Yeah, I guess I'm depressed. I know I'm going to the bar and tomorrow I'll be even more depressed but at least I finally talked about it so that's progress.

BTW, I hate child abusers with a passion. Big deal on tv about two of them who have been killed recently because they had been forced to register. Register my ass, if I had my way the first time anone abused a child they should just plain be shot. Children are the most important thing we can have and if they aren't treated that way then something really needs to be done and not the bullshit social services system we have now that causes more probems than it solves, for the most part. Time to end this as I'm getting really pissed.

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