Thursday, March 15, 2007

The need for adrenaline and depression

I need to take a break from writing about my childhood. It's to damn depressing. ;) For most of my life, at least since I coould read and I could read at 5, I've been reading books about what makes me the way I am, how did I get this eay and every self help book you can imagine. Plus psychology books and books about social problems.

I've prety much been a thrill seeker all my life and I never ever was worried about what might happen. I was the first in my crowd to hop a moving train, I was the first to climb the water tower, I was the first to smoke and the first to get drunk. The more of an adrenaline rush I could get the happier I was.

I raced cars for two years at small tracks and actually got bored with it. I've been shot, stabbed and cut because of my huge need for the adrenaline rush. I spent a lot of time in places most people wouldn't go into voluntarily. Actually I was still doing that until last month when someone asked me to stop.

She argued with me for hours about driving thru the worst areas of Milwaukee to get to my girlfriends place which isn't in a very good area anyway but it's not the worst. I went into a house, in the worst area of the hood, with my girlfriend, 10 guys, 3 chicks and me. Oh I forget to mention my girlfriend is a black chick and I'm an old white guy. It was quite interesting but no adrenaline rush.

Anyway M finally asked me what I was trying to prove or who I was trying to prove it to. I did it because I was looking for a rush, to prove to myself that I still had the nads to do it and because I didn't give a damn if anything happened. No adrenaline rush driving thru the "hood" at 1:20 in the morning either. It's no shorter to go that way nor is it longer, it's just one way to get to her house from where I stay. So now I take the safer way 4 out of 5 times. Made my girlfriend happier too.

Wow, imagine this, I developed an alcohol problem. Sheesh, I wonder how that happened. Most people ended up in treatment back in 1980 for 30-60 days. I was there for nine freaking months before they finally let me out. Naturally I had a drink with my steak at the first steakhouse I came to the day they let me out.

A shrink told me once I was the kind of person who jumped off cliffs without a parchute because I had the confidence I'd be able to build one on the way down. Another shrink told me I was born about 150 years to late. Court ordered shrinks are mostly full of crap. For years I never made a plan of any kind. Whatever happened, happened. It was live from moment to moment and hunt the ever increasing need for adrenaline.

I was the kid your mother told you to stay away from. I had no friends, still don't, and didn't need any. I was always accused of being a ringleader or the leader and I never was. I was on my own path and if people followed me that was their choice and I didn't care. I did what I wanted, when I wanted and where I wanted and defied anyone to stop me. Despite that I was never a leader, I was just out in front. The rest followed like sheep and I seldom noticed.

Leadership implies caring about your followers and no one in authority ever got it that I didn't give a damn about anyone behind me. I ran around with an older crowd because the kids my age seemed so childish yet they almost always followed along behind me. Even the older guys I hung around with.

Y'all won't believe this but I was the first kid in town to wear blue jeans and I was the first kid in town to wear boots all the time. Back then wearing jeansmenat you were a bad person or a troublemaker or juvenile delinquent. Everyone wore slacks or khaki pants and no one wore jeans, but me. Heh, two years later every kid in town was wearing jeans. Believe it or not I started wearing them because back then you could get Levi's 3 pairs for 5 bucks. I had to buy my own clothes so I bought cheap, not popular. Funny, now slacks are cheaper than Levi's are.

The one thing I always had was plenty of girlfriends tho. Still do when I want to have. At this moment I'm not particularly interested in anyone but one girl and she isn't interested in me. Oh, forgot, broke up with the Milwaukee chick a couple of weeks ago. Didn't even care when it happened. I just got tired of her I guess.

Just like I'm tired of life. I might as well have written the next day in my life as remembering this stuff is as depressing as what I don't want to talk about or even remember. That's life, no matter how depressing it is or how bad it gets. Unfortunately, at least in my point of view, I'll get thru this too as I'm to damn stubborn to just freaking give up without a fight. Lol, even more depressing is when I get thru this it will just happen again as it has in the past. Now there's a lovely future.

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