Monday, March 12, 2007

Did my parents cause my life long depression?

I guess I'll start at the very beginning of my life or even a bit prior to that while I explore the reasons I'm so depressed and have been most of my life. Being depressed seems to be my normal state and I have no clue what happiness or being happy is all about.

My mother was divorced from her first husband before I was born. Actually I seldom call her my mother but more likel;y the bitch who gave birth to me. Anyway, during her first marriage in the early 1940's she had two sons.

If I remember right their names were Sammy and Gary or something like that, last name McDonald I believe and they lived in Eastern South Dakota. Hard to remember because the last time I saw them or heard about them I was nine years old. I do remember them visiting my maternal grandmothers house in Minnesota once while I was there. Other than that I've never had any contact with them.

What I do know is when she got divorced in the mid 1940's she did not get custody of her kids or she flat out didn't want it. Either way, doesn't matter as in the 1940s you had to be a really bad, bad mother to lose custody of your kids in a divorce or a very uncaring mother.
Back then the woman always, well, 99% of the time, got custody of the kids. For a woman not to get custody she had to have done something really bad. Heh, I can definitely believe that she did something really bad.

The fact that she had two boys previously is important because when I was born, guess what, I was another boy. She didn't want boys, she wanted a girl and that was all she wanted. What that comes down to is she didn't want me either.

My grandmother told me lots of stories about my early life and some were so unbelievable and she would be in jail if she did those things now. I was frequently left alone starting when I was 3 weeks old. She would put beer in my baby bottle so I'd fall asleep and then her and my father could go to he bar and party.

So I started life as an unwanted child, even tho my mother was married to my father at the time. From there it went downhill totally. How far downhill did it go. Well, the first time I tried to kill myself I was 4 years old if that gives you some kind of clue. Thinking about what the doctor told me about being depressed all my life and starting to try and kill myself at the age of 4 says she was right.

If my life was a book it would probably be called something like 'How to raise a child the wrong way' or 'How to raise your child to be barely functional'.

You see, the problem is both of my parents were raving alcoholics and the alcohol was more important to them than their child was. Not much different than being rasied by a crack, meth or heroin addict now days.

Now days you go to jail if you do to a dog what she and my father did to me. Essentially I wasn't raised by parents but kept alive by them until I could take care of myself. I was all of 3 when I learned that.

Are their people that had worse lives than I did? I'm pretty sure there are but I wonder how many are still alive. Worse yet, I didn't know any better, it's just how my life was and I accepted that as normal for a lot of years. Almost 40 years to be exact. What can I say, I'm a slow learner, evidently.

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