Depression and ways I've recovered from it

Considering I've come to believe the doctor who told me I've probably been depressed all of my life how can I still be depressed and talk about recovering?

What I'm talking about recovering from is the severe and suicidal depressions I sometimes fall into. I'm not the greatest writer in the world so stick with me while I try to explain.

Being moderately depressed has been a constant for me for almost 60 years and I consider that a normal state as it's all I've known, being severely depressed to the point where I would require hospitalization is something totally different and is what I'm talking about when I say recovered from. Perhaps some day I'll be able to recover totally and not have any kind of depression at all.

I've never cared whether I lived or died and am not afraid of dying. I never have been and for me that's normal. Occasional thoughts of suicide cross my mind in my normal state but nothing to serious and not something I would do in my normal state. To damn stubborn to give up.

When I get severely depressed every day is a struggle to find a reason to stay alive. I can tell when I'm getting more depressed than usual and most times take steps to prevent it from getting worse. Sometimes I don't do anything and I get worse.

The severe depressions started in 1995 and I lost 30 pounds, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat and wanted to cry all the time. I never cryed but the fact I wanted to is one of the criteria I use to monitor how depressed I am. My business was doing very well but my ex wife was causing more problems, both professionally and personally, that I could handle.

I finally left her and gave her the business. There came a last straw one day and I climbed in my truck and drove off. Never saw her or spoke to her again and I never took anything but what I had in my truck and the 1200 dollars I had in my pocket.

My cousin made me go to he doctor and he wanted to put me into the hospital because I really looked bad and my health was very bad. I didn't care. I wouldn't go to the hospital so he prescribed some mood elevators for me and I knew I was so bad off that I took them. Reality was they didn't help much.

I went and found a job that was far beneath what I was capable off but didn't cause any stress. Now at least I could feed and house myself. For the next 10 months I seldom went out of the house. Watched a lot of TV and started writing the story of my life, all of the good and the bad and unfortunately, 100% truthful.

After writing for that long I finally started getting better and better. Yes I was still taking the drugs but I didn't like them. When I finally recovered from that one I attributed it to all of the writing I'd been doing. Again, when I say recovered I mean got back to my normal depressed state and not the severe suicidal depression I had been in. So I wrote my way out of it.

The next time I got severely depressed I spend 18 months living alone and seldom going out of the apt. I actually had to force myself to go buy food. I read everything on the net I could find and I tried a few different things. Then one day I read about kids in Serbia or Croatia who failed to thrive because they were never touched.

At that point I decided to give massage a try. After I made that decision it was another 6 months before I scheduled an appointment with a spa. Just didn't seem manly to me. Sissy stuff and didn't fit my image of myself at all. Besides, I hated having people touch me. I hated to cuddle, I hated to hold hands, I hated to have someone sleeping next to me and touching me.

The first few massage appointments were a complete ordeal and Jessie, the girl who worked on me most of the time, told me I was the tensest person she had ever met. Lol, I told her I slept tense and was seldom relaxed. Probably because of the way I was raised and the way I continued to live my life after I left home. Always on high alert and my back to the wall.

Eventually I started to semi enjoy the massages and started getting better. Then Jessie and the other girl who was massaging me talked me into just doing nothing. I had never been able to just do nothing and still have problems with it but at least I can do it. They talked me into going out to the lake and laying in the sun.

At first I took work along because it was a waste of time just sitting at the lake. Then I graduated to bringing a book but no work. Finally after about 15-20 times at the lake I got brave and left everything home. I learned to like just laying in the sun and doing nothing but letting my mind float and go where it wanted to.

I got better and better and finally felt back to my normal state of depression. I kept getting massages and laying in the sun but I discovered I liked being touched, at least by females. Lol, no way in hell will I ever go to a male massage therapist.

I did have to take up tanning in the winter months though but massage and doing nothing in the sun pretty much solved that one.

Those two severe depressions were about 5 years apart. This one one happened about two years later and here I am now struggling to get out of this one. As I said on an earlier page I finally got so bad I knew I had to go to the doctor again. I was severely depressed and I knew if but I was so depressed I didn't care. Over all I'd lost 50 pounds and went from 165 down to 112 pounds. She prescribed Zoloft and I knew I had to take it, like it or not. Interestingly enough Zoloft doesn't cause sexual problems or side affects for me.

Then between the Zoloft and the Xanax I felt mildly better but still not good as I was still fighting off thoughts of suicide and it was hard to fight off. I made a decision to pack up what I needed to survive, clothes, important papers and a few other things and made it all fit into the back of my Aztek. I left all furniture and everything else.

I started traveling to places I'd never been before and am continuing to do so. I work on my computer, I lay in the sun and I go to new places. Trying to find a motel is a challenge, trying to find decent places to eat is a challenge. Then I decided to start this blog instead of writing in notebooks. It's all helping. Each part of it helps a bit and I can tell I'm better because I don't have to fight to stay alive until tomorrow. I'm now automatically assuming there will be a tomorrow instead of fighting to be here for the next 5 minutes.

I'm learning to replace negative thoughts with positive ones and using my subconscious mind to help with this. I'm getting work done and making a bit of money so things are better. Not great but better. For some reason writing seems to help me more than anything. Even when I tend to babble. Some days remembering and telling it is all a bit much but I think positive thoughts and I get better.

Will I get suicidally depressed again. History says I probably will and I don't know that I have the strength and stubbornness to survive another severe deep depression. Oh well, I'm better now and that's the point. I'll keep doing the things I'm doing and keep thinking positive thoughts, keep laying in the sun and keep this blog going and I should keep getting better.