Personal stories of attempted suicide

Personal stories of attempted suicide are usually very sad but for some I just don't get the reason for the attempt. I've read lots of stories where people attempted suicide for various reasons but the one that struck me the most was about a girl who tried to kill herself because her boyfriend didn't like her new, pink, athletic shoes.

To me that's no reason to commit suicide and that's pretty much all the story said. No back story about what else had gone on before, no other explanations, just that her BF didn't like her shoes. There must have been lots and lots of low self esteem involved and someone should have seen it coming.

I've got my own stories of attempted suicide but for much better reasons than a pair of shoes. Heh, if I tried to kill myself everytime someone didn't like my shoes, my clothes or my haircut I'd have died long ago.

The first time was when I was 4, being beaten, physically, mentally and sexually abused, having to be responsible for my 15 month old sister and having a mother who didn't want me. A far cry from dying over a pair of damn shoes.

Some shrinks have told me that the way I've lived my life, the chances I take and the things I did for an adrenaline rush lead them to believe that I just plain didn't want to live. I think they were/are wrong because it's just never really mattered to me if I lived or died.

Nor am I afraid of death. Never have been and as a MOF I'm kinda looking forward to it. If what I believe is true the only thing that's going to cease to function is my body. The energy in and from my body will live on, forever.

Dr. Kevorkian has the right idea. When people are old or not going to have any kind of life or are sick with absolutely no chance of recovery why isn't suicide a legal option. I can tell you honestly I expect that's how I'll die.

I'm not going to live in a nursing home with someone changing my diapers. I'm not going to be bed bound, even at home. If I can't be mostly independent and take care of myself I'm going to die. It's that simple.

For me it's not a life issue, it's a quality of life issue. My independence is more important to me than any other issue. My being able to earn money to feed myself, keep myself clothed and housed is more important to me than life. Perhaps I'm way to independent but I have great difficulty asking for help, with anything. I take care of it, always have and when I can't that will be the end.

I've thought, many times, while driving down the road how simple it would be to just run into a bridge. Somedays I have to fight the urge really hard and other days it's just a passing thought. I've sat with a gun to my head and my finger on the trigger and at least twice I've had to throw all of my prescription drugs away because I was within seconds of taking them.

What with the economy going to hell, people not being able to afford food or gas and having to radically change their lifestyles I think many people are going to feel like failures and will see now way out other than dying. I expect the worse the economy gets the higher the suicide rate is going to rise. I won't even bother to talk about how high the crime rate is going to get.

One of the things my Dr. told me was that very few people have thoughts of killing themselves. I don't believe that, I think they are just afraid of what would happen to them if they did admit to having those thoughts. Me? It's not something I'm afraid to talk about.

At the moment I'm pretty depressed again. My emphysema is really bad this summer and I can hardly get around. I can't afford the drugs I need so that I can breathe better. I guess I've reached the point in my life where I can buy food and live or buy the prescription drugs I need and starve.

That's a pathetic choice. Particularly when the drugs I need run about $350.00 per month. Of course with my income that's more than 25% of it and I can't afford it. Rent, utilities, gas and food pretty much take my whole income. I'm not frivolous with money. My only unnecessary expenditures are for cable TV and an Internet connection yet I can't afford the drugs I need.

So, the way things are going in this country and the world, I expect we'll be reading lots more personal stories of suicide. Hopefully one of them isn't mine or yours.