Saturday, May 24, 2008

Holidays are Depressing

It's the Memorial Day weekend holiday and as usual it's just another weekend to me. I have absolutely no good memories of any holidays as a kid. All the things that happened to me as a kid, during any holidays, still causes me problems today.

I don't like crowds, I don't like drunks, I don't like loud people and that's what it always was when I was a kid. With about 100% more chance that I was going to get beat or molested by someone.

People want me to come to their places for holidays and tell me to come, I'll have fun. Now and then I'm dumb enough to go but I seldom, if ever, have fun. Mostly I can't wait until I can go home and get comfortable.

Because of my sever chronic bronchitis and my even worse emphysema I now have a good excuse not to go to those kinds of things. Where I live now it's going to be 93 degrees today and the humidity, right now, is 95%. No way I'm going to leave the comfort of my air conditioned apt. to go sit outside at a BBQ and sit around drinking beer.

It's sad that I have no good memories of any holidays. It's sadder that it's affected me for this long and it's even sadder still that I still let it keep affecting me. One of the few things I like to do is go out in the boat but I cn no longer launch it or retrive it by myself so I sold it.

Had a pontoon for awhile and summer holidays I'd take a few friends out to the lake and we'd have a nice time but I chose those friends very carefully and sometimes they wouldn't be invited again the next year. Got to drunk or to loud or wanted to fight or argue while drunk. Sorry, nope.

So I'll pretty much be alone this weekend. The weather forecast is for the same weather for the next 5 days so I won't be going out at all. My fault for being stupid and smoking for 53 years. My GF understands but the places we would go together, those people don't understand. Nor will they ever.

Another part of my childhood. Never allow anyone to see a weakness. If they saw what kind of shape I'm really in and how bad I breathe and how much trouble it is for me to brethe they'd find a way to tke advantage of it. Doubt that's true but in my mind it sure is.

All part of the legacy of my childhood and the tons of unhappy holidays.

I've been watching the polygamous sect in Texas where they took the children away and this guy seems to have a good take on the realities of the law. Texas Polygamist Cult Wind in Court I think what happened to those kids is a disaster but I think what the law tried to do is even worse.

I wonder what legacy those children will have?


Clueless said...

I just discovered your site. I agree with you about the Texas case. It is so sad.

But, about the holidays. You wrote "I don't like crowds, I don't like drunks, I don't like loud people and that's what it always was when I was a kid." That is how I feel, but I had to be 100% of the time, but even more so on the holidays because that would be a time where I might get hit or sexually abused. Reading what you wrote made my stomach drop...I guess I identified and it triggered me. I just want to say thank you for writing your blog. It is nice to read about someone with similar issues.

IMDepressed said...

It's been over 45 years since I put a stop to all that was happening to me but it's just been in the last couple of years that I've been able to talk about it.

I promised a couple of my cousins that someday I'd write my life story and this is it. The good, the bad and the ugly.

Most people were jealous of my lifestyle because I prety much did what I pleased but they have no clue as to why I lived the way I did.

Hopefully this story will help some people do the talking they need to do and resolve the issue they need to resolve.

Being abused in any form is a hard thing for people to talk about or tell anyone about but I think it's necessary to have any kind of happy life.

Find someone you can trust, a professional, preferably, because the fear that a friend will use it against you one day makes it hard to trust them and tell them the truth.

Everyone who was abused needs to understand IT WAS NOT THEIR FAULT. The sooner they can figure that out the better life they will have.

Thanks for your comment, I really do appreciate it. Good luck in the future.