Depression, Anger and Girlfriends

I don't know if it's depression but my girlfriends made me very angry. At least this time I finally got to the end of why it makes me angry. Once again, it's one of those things I think I should have figured out years ago.

We get along pretty good as a couple despite the problems she has and our other differences. We decided to move in together last Sept for money saving reasons. We'd know and liked each other since March 2007. Two of her grandchildren live with us so it was kind of a shock to my system as I much prefer to be alone.

Gradually we fell in love and most of the time I know she loves me. There are a few things that will turn that knowing off almost instantly. She takes good care of me, cooks for me, washes clothes for me and keeps the house looking nice. Lol, she even irons my pants and my pullover knit shits.

When we first met she was a yeller. She yelled at everyone about everything they did wrong. She yelled at me once and we had a three day fight during which I left and wouldn't answer my phone. I won't tolerate being yelled at as it reminds me of my mother and I also think it's very childish and out of control.

I don't like noise and her grandchildren were quite loud and so was she. Banging cupboard doors, slamming doors, dishes and anything else that can make loud noise. We talked that one out and she stopped it.

The other day she called me at 12:50 PM and said she was at her brothers after work and that she had called for her ride and would be home in 30-40 minutes. When 1:30 PM came and she wasn't home I decided to take a nap. At 3:40 the phone rang and woke me up but they hung up before I answered. Didn't recognize the number.

Now I'm really pissed because she isn't home and hasn't called. IMO she should have called at 1:30 when she KNEW she wasn't going to be home when she said. However when her granddaughter got home from school she called. Then she wanted to know if I wanted anything from Subway. My reply. NO!

I felt she was trying to buy me off because she knew she messed up and I was pissed. I was right too. She admitted it. You can't buy me. My mother used to do that and to this day it pisses me off when people try. You can't repair emotional pain by bringing me food or gifts. MOF I'm as likely to throw it in the garbage right in front of you as anything else.

Anyway, she tells me she loves me but her friends and her beer were more important to her than calling me to let me know she wasn't going to be home on time. To me that's not love, that means, to me that when I'm not around you forget about me and don't care what I feel or how worried I might be.

If you don't care about me enough to call me and let me know you are going to be late then it makes me feel like I'm being played and used rather than loved. If you don't call it makes me feel as if everything else you did was just so you could get something from me. It invalidates everything you have ever told me or shown me about loving me and makes it all a lie just to get what you want.

When she or anyone else hurts me I withdraw from them totally. I become very cold and hard hearted and do things to hurt them back. After all, if you don't care enough to call me you must not love me so I'm not going to show you I love you either. You hurt me so I'm going to hurt you back.

Leftovers from the way my mother used to treat me and the things she did. I believe in what peoples actions show and not what their words say. I learned that before I was 5.

I never followed that line of reasoning to the end before. I always told the other chicks it was just total disrespect and I wouldn't put up with it. It is and I feel you don't do that to someone you love. No more than you would cheat on someone you say you love.

Of course when you've never let your feelings exist it's hard to explain why you feel the way you do and what reasonable or unreasonable thing caused it. When everything in a relationship is invalidated it hurts to think you've been played.

Problem is now I don't know how to react to something like that. It makes me feel hurt and angry and I want to hurt back. If she doesn't love me then why shouldn't I hurt back. Actions speak louder than words. At least now I understand why it makes me so angry. I don;t know how to stop it tho.