Thursday, March 20, 2008

Molestation survivor stories and molested as I slept

Molestation survivor stories like mine have always made me wonder why do people molest children. I was molested sleeping by men and, much to my surprise, molested by women while awake. Of course I never considered that molestation.

Being molested as I slept, by the worst of the bunch, my second youngest uncle, made me not want to sleep while I was at my grandmothers, if he was there. I'd stay out all night, stay awake and whatever it took to keep him away from me.

The same year I hit my mother back I put an end to being molested by my uncle. It wasn't even all that hard.

I was sleeping one night and he had come over to my bed and crawled in with me. When I woke up he was touching me. When he realized I was awake he increased his efforts and started whispering in my ear.

While he was touching me and jerking me off he took my hand and put it on his crotch. I knew I was angry about what he was doing and I'd been with a girl that night before I came home. Man, girls were my salvation. Because my body and mind responded to what my uncle did I always thought I was gay.

I didn't know, at the time, that your body would respond even if you didn't want it too. Girls just made me feel good and it was a huge relief to discover I liked them touching me and I hated men touching me.

Anyway, I was laying there, very angry, and he tried to push my head down. I pretended I was going to and slid my hand down to his crotch. Then came the major surprise, for him, not me. I grabbed his balls and squeezed them as hard as I could and put my other hand around his throat and squeezed it too. As hard as I could.

He started to try to get away and I told him if he moved I'd kill him right then and there. I also told him if he ever touched me again, came anywhere near my bed or even woke me up by sitting on the edge of my bed I'd kill him.

Now when someone has you by the balls and the throat you tend to cooperate, a lot. I was no longer going to be molested as I slept and I'm still here to tell my molestation survivor stories. He wasn't the only one but he was the worst one.

I don't know how much his balls swelled up but there were bruises on his throat when he came down for breakfast the next morning and he was a little hoarse.

Naturally he was stupid enough to get drunk one night and try again. I hit him in the face three times before he even knew what happened. He told everyone the next morning he got drunk the night before and fell down. I laughed out loud when he told that lie.

So not only did I put an end to my mother beating me I put an end to my uncle molesting me. What pissed me off most, and still does, is other adults knew he was a child molester and didn't do a damn thing about it.

As us kids got older and started talking about it a little bit we discovered he'd molested almost every kid on his side of the family and his wife's side. One of my cousins had his head lined up in the crosshairs of his .270 one day and didn't pull the trigger. He doesn't know how close he came to dying, not just then but from me too.

Most of the people in my family who didn't stop him are now dead. The vast majority I didn't talk to for most of my life. I suspect all the abuse is what made me so damn independent and so determined to not need anyone for anything because no one was there for me when I needed them.

It's not even something I talked about very much until I was damn near 50. Being molested just messes up your whole life. They didn't have therapy back then like they do now. Perhaps if someone had helped me I wouldn't have lead the life I lead.

What my childhood taught me was if you are tough, hard and mean no one will mess with you. By the time I was 18 most people considered me crazy or insane. They weren't wrong. I didn't care what I did if someone pissed me off and I didn't care what kind of damage my body had to take to make them stop messing with me.

Didn't make any difference if it was verbally or physically. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! Now I'm old, can't fight, can't run but I still want to be left alone. I'm not friendly and I have no friends and it doesn't bother me to much, most of the time.

If I never learned anything else from my childhood I did learn that you couldn't trust those who said they loved you and those who were supposed to protect you. If you know a kid who is being molested help them. If you were a victim of molestation then help others who were.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank You for sharing your story!
It really helps me feel more normal.

meg said...

"I suspect all the abuse is what made me so damn independent and so determined to not need anyone for anything because no one was there for me when I needed them."

This sums up my stage as of now.. I'm only 18 but I feel the urge to not to talk to my family members very often..

Thanks for sharing. I hope I can get help soon.

IMDepressed said...

Meg

Find someone to talk to. Minister, school counselor, therapist or anyone else who can help.

Keeping the feelings bottled up inside will ruin your life. It pretty much ruined mine so don't do what I did. That's no way to live.

People are responsible for their own actions so IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. You didn't do anything wrong, The adults did. Don't ask why, molestors are sick people and the reason they molest children is because they can. It is not your fault.

If you ever need to talk I'll do what I can to help you. Just make another post on here and I'll get it and respond quickly.

Please find someone to talk to so you can have a better life than mine.

Meg said...

I have tried to get counseling/ talk to people about it, its just no one really takes it seriously or understands.

It has been 8 years and I still can't get over the way it made me feel. I can see how this issue is affecting my life now in relationships and I wish it didn't. My boyfriend has just broken up with me and I am deathly afraid of being alone. Do you know of a way that I can just move on from what happened as a child without legal pursuit?

Why was your life so bad? How did being molested ruin everything?


Thanks,
Meg

IMDepressed said...

How long ago it was doesn't really matter. You still see it in your head and you still feel the feelings it caused. Every freaking day. You still wonder why no one has helped or believed you. You still wonder what you did that made it happen. Most days it seems like it was just yesterday.

My life? Lol, read the rest of my posts. I've got an IQ of 141 and I've spent more time in jail or prison than most carrer criminals. I was a drunk for 35 years and would fight at the drop of a hat.

Ran with the worst crowds I could find. I could have been a Dr. Lawyer, Psychologist or about anything else I wanted to be but I wanted nothing but to forget the things that were done to me. Alcohol and drugs helped me to relieve the pain but in the end caused more pain rather than saving me pain.

I really fit in nowhere and still don't. I've been a loner all of my life. Thank god I'm not afarid of being alone. Heh, one thing about being alone is you don't get hurt. Of course, as your finding, it makes relationships a little tougher than they have to be.

I dislike most of the remaining members of my family. Lol, most of them don't even know where I live or what I do. When my mother died I celebrated for a week. Haven't spoken to my sister for 20 years and don't miss her a damn bit. I seem not to have the feelings that normal people have.

You really need to find someone to talk to who will take you seriously. It wasn't your fault! It was the fault of whoever molested you. You did nothing wrong. Children have few if any defenses against adults who hurt or molest them. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!

As I said before, I never really got over it until I understood that it wasn't my fault any of it happened. There is this thing called personal responsibility for ones actions. When I finally understood that people are solely responsible for their own ations did I start to get better. Nothing I did made those people physically, mentally or sexually molest me or abuse me. The decisions those sick bastards made were not caused by me and truly are their own responsibility.

Bottom line is if I'm not responsible for what was done to me then it wasn't my fault, anymore than it was your fault. It was the fault of the people who molested me. Personal responsibility for ones actions is what I believe in and no actions of yours or mine caused us to be molested.

pinkstar1616 said...

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm 36 and i have just finished writing a book called Bad To The Bone. It's about the incest and molestation that ran wild in my family. It tells my story of how I was molested by my uncle and step dad from the age of 4 to 9 years old. I have been through years of councelling and felt I was ready to write my story. I was fine until I was asked to proof read my book, I had to proof read 3 times. And for me to keep reading that story over and over, made me feel dirty all over again. Now here I am about to share my story with the world and I feel nasty and gross like I did when I was young. I'm trying to snap out of it. but I'm finding it hard. and I don't know why.
Thanks for your story.
Renee' womenaflow@att.net

IMDepressed said...

I'm glad to hear you got counseling as it's something I never did. I decided to be a bad ass instaed of the nerd I would have been. Yes, it was a bad decision but I doubt I would have survived if I had made a different decision. The nerd part of me wasn't strong enough to deal with what happened but the bad ass part could, and still does, deal with any problem that comes up.

I don't like the death penalty for many reasons but I strongly believe it should apply to pedophiles who have been convicted by irrefutable evidence.

If not killed then we ought to have an area where these people are put, to live, like a reservation or something and they should not be allowed off of their reservation. If they are off they could be killed on sight.

Letting these people run loose is the most dangerous thing we do in this country. I understand I'm not to rational about the subject but anyone who molests a child should be killed.

Good luck with your book. Lol, mine is here on this blog and someday I'll start adding to it again. I understand how you feel as it's why I quit writing and updating the blog. The next parts I have to write are when the real craziness starts and I don't really wnat to go there.

You might want to consider some short tern counseling to get past this latest set of flashbacks and bad feelings.

meg said...

Did you happen to watch the Oprah episode on molestation last week?

It was really powerful and insightful.

Made me feel a bit better about what happened to me.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing your story. I am also a child molestation vicitm. If any of you is same as me, maybe can find a therepist, well versed in EFT, Emotional Free Techic, which will help to release the negative emotions from the trauma. I also cannot hold jobs for long, and have problems with relationships and hate man for years.. After doing EFT, and therephy, I become more normal. I hope that you will recover one day. For those out there, no matter how hard your life is, or how much you suffer, please try to find help in the right person... and believe in yourself. Seek help to let go of the incidents and get heal and live a happy normal life. Take care. I am still different from the others, but one day, hope to be healed completely... and i hope that anyone who come across this website, will protect children so that no children will suffer like us again.